Adultery Effects

[cooper]

Please help me consider my circumstances:

· Married for 16 years;
· Marriage was a shotgun wedding (i.e., pregnant);
· Relationship never based on love;
· Spouse entered into adulterous relationship months after marriage; relationship lasted for two years thereafter;
· Relationship was discovered rather than willingly disclosed;
· Adultery further severed trust and fostered irreparable deceit and betrayal (as this also occurred prior to our marriage);
· We are both Christians;
· In my ignorance, I granted forgiveness for the unfaithfulness; but not for the subsequent consequences;
· I have been counseled that I lost the “window of opportunity” to divorce;
· It has been suggested to me that the persistent subsequent consequences offer a persistent “window of opportunity” to see divorce;
· Reconciliation seems untrue to me as I don’t know what we would be reconciling back to;
· “Rekindling” romance has been suggested --- but there’s no “re” and why would I want to kindle romance with someone I don’t love?
· We have children;
· Am I stuck in a bedraggled marriage?
· Am I free to pursue divorce based on the consequence of adultery?
· Am I wrong for believing that I could better serve God as a single parent?
· Am I wrong for trusting God’s word that adultery is cause for divorce and that perhaps He would have further opportunity to bring glory to Him beyond divorce?
Please pray for wisdom for me. In Christ……………..

 

[Mr.Cheese]

It takes two people to make it work and it sounds like you're the only one trying.
Adultery is destructive beyond imagination.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Under authority of the bible, it's my opinion that you do have grounds for divorce. Is the other person willing to try to make it work? Do they show any possibilities? 16 years is a long time with no spark.. How old is the oldest?

 

[cooper]

My spouse is trying; I'm not; I have no will to try any longer. I've tried that route only to be frustrated for reasons too numerous to address.........my spirit is wounded and broken.

My oldest is 15; youngest is 2. They need me but I am not as effective a parent because of the turmoil and tension I feel with my spouse.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

It is your choice cooper, you do have the option either way considering her history. Having a little one of 2 makes it a bit hard I am sure. I have a feeling you were venting when you said no feelings. If there are any feelings, do you stay together and try to make it work for the kids? Maybe, in the hopes it can work perhaps. If there aren't any feelings and/or this person is going to continue with this behavior, I would think it learns toward the "D" word. Perhaps counseling is the best option at this point either way so you have no regrets. You can always call it quits if nothing works. Wouldn't it be nice if it somehow worked out and she never did that again and became a better person because of you. Anyone else around with experience dealing with a cheating spouse?

 

[seebs]

Is the behavior continuing now, or is it over? It sounds like it's over, and other spouse is now trying to work on the relationship. If nothing else, I'd suggest trying counseling. It's hard for me to imagine getting kids and having no feelings at all for each other. More common would be conflicted feelings - anger and betrayal, as well as friendship. That's the kind of thing that you might well be able to work through.

 

[cooper]

Fortunately this has not happened since; and yes, through our attempts to stay together for the kids' sake we have, through God's providence and perfect plan, been blessed with additional children. But, it is apparent to me that is the wrong reason to continue in the mire of that recurring pain and betrayal --- even though it occurred so long ago. To me it was only yesterday.

We are undergoing counselling but it seems to have gotten to the point of just spinning wheels. The love is one-sided (from my spouse to me) and I am being told that I should just get over my "conflicted" feelings (which is a good phrase to describe me) --- I am made to feel guilty that I have not been able to do that yet. I am trying to at least build and sustain a friendship as I know that regardless of what the future brings, we'll need that foundation. I am utterly torn as to the potential impacts to my children.

 

[mamaneenie]

It sounds as though you are thinking of your kids first. They need you to have your head together, and if that means separating for a while, then maybe that is what needs to happen. You have had your trust betrayed, of course that is going to take time to develop again. Do you want to trust this guy again?

 

[desi]

Please help me consider my circumstances:

· Married for 16 years;
· Marriage was a shotgun wedding (i.e., pregnant);
· Relationship never based on love;
· Spouse entered into adulterous relationship months after marriage; relationship lasted for two years thereafter;
· Relationship was discovered rather than willingly disclosed;
· Adultery further severed trust and fostered irreparable deceit and betrayal (as this also occurred prior to our marriage);
· We are both Christians;
· In my ignorance, I granted forgiveness for the unfaithfulness; but not for the subsequent consequences;
· I have been counseled that I lost the “window of opportunity” to divorce;
· It has been suggested to me that the persistent subsequent consequences offer a persistent “window of opportunity” to see divorce;
· Reconciliation seems untrue to me as I don’t know what we would be reconciling back to;
· “Rekindling” romance has been suggested --- but there’s no “re” and why would I want to kindle romance with someone I don’t love?
· We have children;
· Am I stuck in a bedraggled marriage?
· Am I free to pursue divorce based on the consequence of adultery?
· Am I wrong for believing that I could better serve God as a single parent?
· Am I wrong for trusting God’s word that adultery is cause for divorce and that perhaps He would have further opportunity to bring glory to Him beyond divorce?
Please pray for wisdom for me. In Christ……………..

It sounds like you are not receptive to working on your marriage yet you value how God stringently discourages divorce. If you are a man and your wife cheated on you Jesus said you can divorce her, according to my Bible translation. Jesus did not condone divorce for any other reason, again according to my Bible. I feel bad for you being so disheartened. Many marriages are less than ideal, some are down right tough places to commit yourself to yet that is what we do when we say 'I do'. We know God values the commitment of marriage and society has gotten lax on it. If we look at the consequences of divorce on the children the data seems to side with God, divorce usually screws up children more than staying together even in most crummy marriages. This may not be fair to those of us in ungodly marriages but it is nonetheless.

 

[sioleabha]

It sounds like what you really need is to start over. You may ask why you should, when you have no feelings for her. Because you have children, and because God can grant you that feeling of love.

Perhaps you should seperate, but for the purpose of starting a new romance with eachother, not to start new and seperate romances.

And, yes, you have legitimate grounds for divorce. But divorce is not better. Sometimes it's just the only recourse.

 

[marshava]

Good counsel desi & siolebha!!!

Everyone seems to think that because they don't "FEEL" the love that it's an added reason to move on.

The word says that we are to LOVE our enemies, this was not a command based on our feelings, this was based on the choice we make to OBEY GOD.

If she is willing to try and work things out, then is it not your commitment to God and HIM alone to forgive her, and choose to make it work , but not in your own strength, but the strength of the Lord. It sounds like you are filled with allot of bitterness, anger, and UNFORGIVENESS.
aybe it is time to give it to God so that your heart will be cleansed and open to see your wife as the person that you once loved and married. PRAY for her. Pray for strength. Ask the Lord to help you see her as HE sees her. Nothing is impossible with God. Seek the Lord.

 

[cooper]

marshava, desi, siolebha;

I understand the need to forgive out of obedience and I have done my best to seek God's strength in this. I just cannot forget the very real "feelings" of anger, mistrust, betrayal and deceit --- feelings which God has allowed us to experience. Perhaps I do have "unforgiveness" wrt these consequences of adultery.

Nevertheless, you reference love (another God-ordained feeling) which never existed in our marriage. It is hard for me to imagine creating a loving, intimate marriage relationship with someone you don't love. Yes, we are called to love one another --- but shouldn't marriage be a step beyond that? I believe that is where God calls us to be in a marriage and I cannot seem to get beyond that with the aforementioned baggage.

The Bible (and my Pastor's counsel) talks about returning to the "wife of my youth" --- implying that we married because we loved each other, not because we happened to have been partying and fornicating together. We made a mistake. I am wrestling with whether God has given me the requisite life experiences since to recognize that and move beyond my mistakes and determine to serve Him in a place without resentment and bitterness.......

suggestions???????? thank you all so much for your input and may God bless you richly as we begin this new year!

 

[JillLars]

I think that despite the life experiences we have, all of us struggle with resentment and bitterness at one point or another, young and old, mature and immature, those are some of the hardest things to overcome in life. I think the first step to overcoming resentment and bitterness is to realize that eventually the only person it will hurt is you, and in order to take care of yourself, both physically, mentally, and spiritually you will need to let go of these feelings. I know that seems easier said than done, but many of us harbour those feelings because we feel we are entitled to them, and we feel that those feelings will help us through our troubles, when in fact they do the exact opposite. So the first step would be to look into your future and commit yourself to overcoming these feelings. I have struggled with these feelings and I find it helps to pray for the strength to overcome the feelings, and if you can't, let God know that you're having a hard time and you need him to continue looking out for you and helping with the struggle. Recognizing, through prayer, that you are making an effort to free yourself from these feelings will help you carry on day after day. I don't know if that helps at all, I struggle with bitterness and resentment often, so I know what its like. I'll pray for you!

 

[cooper]

thanks for your prayers jillLars

 

[desi]

You sound like me five years ago. I married my gf when she was 9 months pregnant. I can't speak for anyone else but my marriage has had its share of problems from both me and her. At times we have behaved as enemies toward one another, either one of us could have quit and our friends would have said it was for the best. It was at a time like this where I was thinking about how God shorted me on my spouse and how I could have chosen any number of women who would have made a better wife for me than the one I had that something came to me, I wasn't showing her love. I was thinking about how she should treat me instead of how I should treat her, I should have been minding my own business instead of hers. It was from that moment things started to change for the better. I began to show love for her and put her needs above mine, as the Bible suggests men should. After I did that she started respecting and honoring me. While things are not perfect they are much better. You say there was never love in your marriage, maybe you should put some there and see what happens.

 

[cooper]

convicted............thanks.

I do feel that I have done all that I could to demonstrate love over the years with little more than criticism and dishonor shown in return. I just have no will anymore...........reciprocal love just seems to be too little too late.

 

[ceres]

wow desi good one

 

[desi]

convicted............thanks.

I do feel that I have done all that I could to demonstrate love over the years with little more than criticism and dishonor shown in return. I just have no will anymore...........reciprocal love just seems to be too little too late.

Don't give reciprocal love, give unconditional love instead. Reciprocal love is like reciprocal trade policy in that everyone's tallying up who's cheating who to keep it fair, this is a waste of energy in a marriage. As a guy you have to be strong and kind in the marriage. Proverbs does a good job explaining how men should act. For instance in one chapter it discourages adultery becase the woman's husband will come after you with a vengeance. This is a direct reference to how men should be passionate about their marriage to the point of rage if their wife cheats on them. The Christian men I've seen around here lack that passion which women both fear and are turned on by.

 

[Svt4Him]

What are you looking for here? What do you want to hear?

Having been through this, and almost ending up divorced, and seeing my sister go through it and in the latter stages of divorce, let me say you will find many people's opinions on this matter. It is my opinion that unless someone knows what it's like, they should keep their opinions to themselves. I've studies this topic endlessly, been to Christian's, been to the pastor, and few actually know what this is like, and none will ever say divorce. One pastor even said she couldn't recommend divorce, even if it was best. My feeling is if you can say it's not based on hurts, and you've thought through the consequences, and there is no futher hope, nor true repentance, then leave him. But realize this will affect more than just you, it will affect your children. I could say don't stay for your children, but that's a lie. If you stay only for your children, it will be better for them. But if you are in a relationship that you are always fighting, or unfaithful, then it's best to leave. And you have every right to leave.

 

[cooper]

I guess I'm looking for courage and the ability to trust in God that He will sustain me and my children beyond divorce. I believe I have cause to remedy my situation via divorce. However, as a father, I must account for my children's well-being and ensure I provide the spritual stewardship for them during the short time that God entrusts me with them. However, I do not believe that they are the reason to stay together --- I've seen too many people burnt by believing that and become destined to continue in a less-than glorifying relationship. I would rather my children witness their parents either in a loving relationship with someone else (if God so ordained) or able to offer mutual parenting even if just as friends. But, I do not see staying where there is a constant reminder of the hurts, betrayal, and suffering resultant of my wife's adultery and my inability to trust her. But, all the same, I wrestle with so many folks believing that this is a selfish desire --- I do not believe that.