Adultery Effects

[desi]

I guess I'm looking for courage and the ability to trust in God that He will sustain me and my children beyond divorce. I believe I have cause to remedy my situation via divorce. However, as a father, I must account for my children's well-being and ensure I provide the spritual stewardship for them during the short time that God entrusts me with them. However, I do not believe that they are the reason to stay together --- I've seen too many people burnt by believing that and become destined to continue in a less-than glorifying relationship. I would rather my children witness their parents either in a loving relationship with someone else (if God so ordained) or able to offer mutual parenting even if just as friends. But, I do not see staying where there is a constant reminder of the hurts, betrayal, and suffering resultant of my wife's adultery and my inability to trust her. But, all the same, I wrestle with so many folks believing that this is a selfish desire --- I do not believe that.

Staying married for the children is probably the most noble thing you can do in this situation. If you get divorced I can't begin to tell you how many facets of your children's lives will likely be damaged, despite your visions of happy step-families where children don't resent the nonbiological parent and mom's new squeeze treats your children as his own when they are under his roof. Getting divorced and praying for God to pick up the pieces of your, and your children's lives, is like taking your children in your arms and jumping in front of a bus while praying for God to physically protect you. It could happen but don't be surprised or blame God if things turn out bad.

Example... My cousin married the only man she had ever been with and they had a beautiful daughter. Their young family was one of the one's my wife periodically used to point out to me everything I do wrong. My cousin was beautiful and sweet, her husband was handsome, they both had good jobs and were financially stable, they were both Christians, and their daughter was smart and pretty. My cousin divorced her husband because he was "controlling" because she was cheating on him and he didn't like it. He moved on to remarry a woman older than him who already had several children. When their daughter was with her dad and his new wife she died and they found high doses of pseudoephedrine and diphenhydramine in her blood. We later found out step mom is an OR nurse. Step mom is pregnant and under investigation for the murder of my niece. Father can't believe his new wife would kill his daughter and won't talk to his exwife because his new wife does not like her. Mom is beside herself for initiating the divorce. This is an extreme example of what can and has happened. Usually the abuse is not fatal but in this case it was.

 

[DaveKerwin]

you really need to get into counceling and pray about this. God is able to do all things, including heal your broken heart and restore your love. Consider that. I think your prayer time with God will do a lot, and counceling will do a lot.

 

[Svt4Him]

I guess I'm looking for courage and the ability to trust in God that He will sustain me and my children beyond divorce. I believe I have cause to remedy my situation via divorce. However, as a father, I must account for my children's well-being and ensure I provide the spritual stewardship for them during the short time that God entrusts me with them. However, I do not believe that they are the reason to stay together --- I've seen too many people burnt by believing that and become destined to continue in a less-than glorifying relationship. I would rather my children witness their parents either in a loving relationship with someone else (if God so ordained) or able to offer mutual parenting even if just as friends. But, I do not see staying where there is a constant reminder of the hurts, betrayal, and suffering resultant of my wife's adultery and my inability to trust her. But, all the same, I wrestle with so many folks believing that this is a selfish desire --- I do not believe that.

Statistics prove you wrong in that children are better in a two family home, but again, that is something you have to weigh out, as it's not always the case. Trust is something that's earned when lost. I too never pictured myself trusting my wife, nor she me. My situation is a bit different in that I found out my wife had an affair six months prior to me having one, and I only found out when I told her right away about mine. Sometimes I never think trust will come back, but as forgiveness grows, and love replaces hurt, it does. Love always makes one vulnerable, and when it's crushed, it's a killer. I believe the decision to leave shouldn't be based on emotions. If you are hurting, deal with it first. There is a reason why second marriages fail and it's my belief that it's because there are things that should be dealt with and aren't. Finally, whatever road you choose, if you stay humble before God, I believe He will always watch over you. It will be hard, but He won't leave you, and there is a reason why God allows divorce in this case. For a guy, it's a difficult thing to get through. Can't say for a woman, as I'm not one.


As for if you are right or not, the decision you make will be the right one, as it will be the one God honours. I believe that with all my heart.

 

[kua2u]

You are in my prayers. I hope there is a place you can request prayer in these forums.

You are the only one who can answer this question, but you know that.

Divorce is a big word. A big step. I can see you are not stepping into it easily or quickly.

I have read many say that staying together FOR the children is the right thing to do. I have a different take. I grew up in many homes, most of them unloving. The "marriages" I saw convinced me at an early age that love didn't exist. I didn't SEE it in the couples I was living with. I vowed never to marry.

Lucky for me, God had another plan and through some Godly people who loved me in spite of myself I eventually chose and married a wonderful man. It wasn't a quick thing. I knew I had work to do on myself before I could join with another. But my point is--all those people who stayed married and hated each other [or acted like they did] almost scared me away from marriage. It could have been a terrible consequence of living in broken marriges.

My only cautioary word would be to move slowly and turn over every single rock to keep your marriage together before divorcing. Then one day you will be able to say to your children that in truth you tried everything. And then perhaps if they are ever involved in a bad marriage they will know they can seek you out.

My prayers are with you. Let us know what you decide.

 

[E-beth]

Blehhh...

I have sooo been there. I was also cheated on, and my ex-husband actually tried to make me feel guilty that I would not forgive him. Never mind that he was teh one that broke the marriage covenant. Never mind that he completely broke my heart. And never mind that he made me feel undesireable, unloveable, ugly, stupid, unworthy and ANGRY.

Unless you have been there, you cannot understand the depth of sorrow and anger that an unfaithful spouse can cause. When both parties are Christians, it is worse cause then you have well-meaning Christians telling you that "God hates divorce!" and "God can heal your relationship."

True, he can. But only if both partners are willing to work hard to save it. In my first marriage, once I knew of the infidelity, the light went out and no amount of praying would have gotten it back. You can't break a glass window and glue it back together.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is just as wrong as getting married because you have them. Marriage is about two people, and family is about all others. A family can exist even if a marriage cannot. Would you rather raise kids who watch a loveless sham of a marriage, or one in which you depend on God to provide your needs. Your kids will still have two parents, even if they habe two homes also.

And yeah, it most definitely gets better. After I finally had enough and moved out, my life improved by three thousand percent. It got even better after I got divorced and found someone who taught me what love, trust, and a Godly marriage is like.

I am praying for you. Please PM me if you need to vent or talk to someone who understands. May God grant you peace in whatever decision you choose to make!

 

[Svt4Him]

Blehhh...

I have sooo been there. I was also cheated on, and my ex-husband actually tried to make me feel guilty that I would not forgive him. Never mind that he was teh one that broke the marriage covenant. Never mind that he completely broke my heart. And never mind that he made me feel undesireable, unloveable, ugly, stupid, unworthy and ANGRY.

Unless you have been there, you cannot understand the depth of sorrow and anger that an unfaithful spouse can cause. When both parties are Christians, it is worse cause then you have well-meaning Christians telling you that "God hates divorce!" and "God can heal your relationship."

True, he can. But only if both partners are willing to work hard to save it. In my first marriage, once I knew of the infidelity, the light went out and no amount of praying would have gotten it back. You can't break a glass window and glue it back together.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is just as wrong as getting married because you have them. Marriage is about two people, and family is about all others. A family can exist even if a marriage cannot. Would you rather raise kids who watch a loveless sham of a marriage, or one in which you depend on God to provide your needs. Your kids will still have two parents, even if they habe two homes also.

And yeah, it most definitely gets better. After I finally had enough and moved out, my life improved by three thousand percent. It got even better after I got divorced and found someone who taught me what love, trust, and a Godly marriage is like.

I am praying for you. Please PM me if you need to vent or talk to someone who understands. May God grant you peace in whatever decision you choose to make!

I agree with everything except the children. Again, statistics from Focus on the Family show that children are better when two parents are in the house, except in abusive situation. And having personal experience, and using the same arguments here doesn't negate the fact that children are better in a two family loveless home than a single parent home. The problem with saying that, is that single parent families then feel guilty, and that is not my purpose. I grew up in a single parent family where abuse was involved, and all in all I think I turned out well. God will not leave anyone alone, but the road is harder, I guarantee it.

The rest is too true, sadly enough. There are many well meaning people who do a lot of damage with their advice. Two great things that happened to me were:
1. When my pastor stood with me, told me he believed I shouldn't leave my wife, but said whatever I did, he's stand by me.
2. When a friend took me golfing. We left the driving range, he said he knew I was going through a hard time, and if I needed someone to talk to he was there.

Neither made up my mind for me.

 

[desi]

Blehhh...
Staying together for the sake of the kids is just as wrong as getting married because you have them. Marriage is about two people, and family is about all others.

Actually marriage is about two people consentually binded together via God. Man cannot unmake what God has made. People are deluded to think so.

 

[cooper]

To All That Have Posted Since Friday, January 02.............

Many, many thanks for taking the time to provide insightful, Godly counsel that unabashedly confronts various perspectives. It is clearly evident that God's word is true and He is faithful always. I take great comfort and peace in knowing that He has laid a path before me and knows the direction I will choose --- and, He will still be there next to me! Wow, what a mighty God we serve!

Through your words I have come to validate that:

God loves me and has forgiven my wife, despite my inability to do so;
There are consequences to sin, even if it is someone else's sin, and He has offered relief from adultery and the effects thereof;
God hates divorce;
God wants us to live in peace;
God will always stand by us if we are trusting in Him and seeking His guidance;
I have victory over the consequences of sin;
He can heal a defeated, defiled, and shamed man;
He has provided ample guidance in His word and thru my Christian brothers and sisters from which to make my own determinations;
He has, through His providence, used even a distrustful, betrayed, and decietful marriage to expand His kingdom; and,
We can find refuge "...under the shadow of the almighty". Blessings to all of you. I will try and post in the future on this topic to keep you all apprised of His continued grace and mercy...........

 

[P3nguin1]

Actually marriage is about two people consentually binded together via God. Man cannot unmake what God has made. People are deluded to think so.

The idea of marriage being "consentual" is a relatively new one, for most of history people had no choice (and still dont in some parts of the world).


“Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matthew 19:6

As far as man's ability to unmake what God made: I assume you are reffering to : I was told that the original verb used in this passage does not mean "can not" but rather means "should not". It is a command not to, rather than a statement of impossiblilty. This is evidenced by the fact that Jesus Himself said that some divorces were justified.