Before I delve into the individual posts and prayers each of you so kindly bestowed upon me, I would just like to thank you for your time and immense altruism. Without your aid these last days, I don't know what would have become of me. I really don't.
Just a week ago I found myself weeping uncontrollably one late night. Completely without forewarning, I had been instantaneously thrust into an emotional state I've never encountered in the past. Everything just blurred into a thick haze and I proceeded to descend into an even more profusely tragic depression. Deep-seated emotions (traumae even) from my childhood began to resurface. Days of agony spent nursing an ill parent, a career-driven, absent father, my best friend's untimely death, feelings of guilt, bad choices followed by a bad conscience -- all compounded together to form an overwhelming feeling of utter, debilitating shame.
But, surprisinly enough, after some minutes had passed, after reliving those very memories that comprise my present identity, an unspoken reality dawned on me. Something that had been persistently supressed, forgotten, was suddenly illuminated. All in an instant! In my entire life I've thought of myself as a subject of circumstance, for better or worse. I've regarded myself as the quintessential victim -- consigned to a life of passivity and idleness. But that's not how life works! That's what this epiphany instilled in me! A sense of strength -- if ever so minute - that enabled me to pick up the slack reins that had been lying before me my entire life.
No longer will I point the finger and shift the blame. The blame lies solely in myself, my naive belief in an arbitrary existence, and the meaninglessness inherent in this worldview. See, without the presence of some sort of Divine Being, some sort of moral compass, this mortal life we lead is essentially a void. We're mere vacuous shells; faceless hulks, travelling through a lonely, desolate universe. That's where my despair stemmed from: the disbelief -- as opposed to the genuine belief - in a benign God and the love with which he created us.
It all makes sense now. I have been put on this Earth for a definite purpose. What that purpose is, I don't know. I can only hope that through a dialogue with God and His people, it might materialize gradually, revealing a fragment of celestial bliss. Trust me, I've never felt so optimistic in my life.
Allunderheaven:
I've struggled with the same problem. Ever since I was young, I've been bullied by peers. Till this day, i don't know why they hated me so much. I thought that it was because of me. So i changed and became ignorant, selfish. I became not so good of a person. Then people still treated me poorly. So I hid my true self completely and wore a mask...
As much as people want to deny it, there's evil abroad. It lurks in every corner, it manifests itself in the strangest ways. Many call bullies lost souls, they gloss their behaviour over as a byproduct of poor choices and equally poor upbringing. But I'm not so sure. Not after having experienced my share of it at least.
Because they are so predatory in their ways, so ruthless and indifferent to the individual they hurt, they embody a set of traits we don't otherwise associate with the God-fearing individuals. Call it evil, call it malplaced love, there's no denying the fact that what they're doing; what they're exacting unto us passive victims, is evil and utterly reprehensible. We can only distance ourselves from them and reclaim what they've so egregiously stolen from us: our confidence in a world devoid of predators and evil. Otherwise, their value-system prevails and this world turns into a dark, God-less universe.
Irenemcg:
Turn to the Lord Jesus today. He is crying out for you.
For once in my life, I can call myself a repentant soul. I can recognize my moral transgressions and, in so doing, plead their forgiveness for the wrongs I've imparted unto them. That's where Jesus comes into the picture for me -- notwithstanding any question as to wheter he's real or not. Jesus is the embodiment of all paragons, he's the Ideal to which we all ought to aspire. And with that respect his testament elicits, comes bouts of contrition and shame for our own inadequacies and our own faults.
That's why I cherish each and every tear he sheds for us. For in his rectitude and goodness, I can conceptualize my own reflection and thereby indulge the thought that maybe, just maybe, we humans have the potential to live up to his name.
heron:
Some people are lonely simply because they see that those around them are self-serving. We all are in one way or another. We pray that in the move, you will find a nice group of friends with similar interests and motivations.
In this day in age, we often speak about self-actualization without actually questioning the aspect of what enables one to actualize oneself. Many might for instance claim wealth and success is conducive to realizing ones identity. Others might counterclaim that and say that in order for a person to find his true self, he must render his services wholly to his community. I'm personally a favourite of the latter. And why? Because I know that for every grain of output you yield out of sheer good-will, another seed of good-will is planted.
Hopefully, by engaging in an environment that's open to giving, not taking, my self-actualization can be complete and, finally, I can find my true identity.
Supernova:
I'd like to say one thing. In order to find the identity that the Lord Jesus has for you, you must first accept him as your Lord and savior, asking him for forgiveness of sins and inviting him into your life. This is, by far, the largest part of the identity he has for everyone. It is the missing part out of everyone's identity that must be replaced before you can move forward to find out his purpose for your life. Remember also that he made you just so he could love you. And that is the most awesome purpose you could have. By doing as I said above you allow the fullness of his love upon you. You find out who were made to be when you and Christ have that loving relationship together.
I'll be the first one to admit that in the past, I've been very sceptical of Christianity. To a certain extent, I still am. I still have my doubts, my questions, but at this present moment I've made a choice: to temporarily reject my scepticism and place faith in a system that has rendered unto me a whole new perspective on Earth.
I mean, without embracing or even indulging the premise that there is a God, and that Jesus was his earthly manifestation, I can't claim to live a meaningful existence. In fact, without a Creator and without the belief in a purposeful existence, this whole life of ours implodes. It crumbles, shatters. And everything turns black. Forever. That's why I embrace the idea of a moral universe -- a world governed by the testament of God.
So now I walk on knowing that God loves me and that he will never stop protecting me. 
