Abuse in a Christian relationship

[Glass*Soul]

"Following Christ" doesn't mean you never mess up. The characteristic of a "true Christian" should be that they are NEVER okay or comfortable with their sin, and they are constantly striving to turn away from it and overcome it. When a person is carrying on in sin, and justifying it and refusing to acknowledge it (ie, a porn user), that's when you can say that person is not following Christ.

An interesting idea to look at here is that of one's besetting sin. By definition a besetting sin is one that someone is so prone to that it is actually characteristic of them. I once took a course from Catholic Sister who was also a Jungian analyst. She suggested that the thing about one's besetting sin that makes it so hard to overcome is that one tends to think of it as a strength. One's closest companions tend to realize it is not but generally can find no way to effectively communicate this fact.

The things that we tend to think of when we think of sins are things that are destructive outward actions. One has to do a certain amount of mental gymnastics to deny that they are harmful. But besetting sins are deeply ingrained mindsets. It can take a lifetime to suss them out and maybe never...

 

[Glass*Soul]

Be perfect like Christ.

What does that entail?

 

[PreachersWife2004]

What does that entail?

Keeping and obeying all of the laws.

 

[Smidlee]

"It seems he abused her, or at least the claim has been made.

This would be a really really far fetched way to get out of a marriage."

Not really. It happens more often than you think. She couldn't find anything Biblical reason to divorce her husband so she found a consular who told her what she wanted to hear. (My pastor told me of a preacher friend who did the exact same thing. He want my pastor approval to leave his wife but he refused.)
I actually know of a woman who left a good christian man and got hook up with a man who physically beat her. A know of another woman (my wife babysit her child years ago) who left her husband (not a christian) who were good to her. She found her a consular who told her she need more time for herself. When she told me this I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying no you need to spend more time with your child. 3 months later she left her husband to harlot around with a butch of men.

I had my wife to read the OP and see what she thought. She came to the same conclusion. She was looking for an excuse to leave her husband. More likely the only abuse the husband is guilty of was not giving her a good reason to leave him.

 

[KitKatMatt]

I'd encourage people to read more about this woman before claiming she was not abused. I have read many things about her life that make my heart ache.

Abuse is also not always physical. It can be mental and emotional. Using Bible verses (or anything, really) to constantly invalidate someone's feelings or opinions in a relationship in an attempt to keep them subservient to you is abuse. This is but one thing this woman had to go through.

 

[Hetta]

Escape from Duggarville: How playing the good Christian housewife almost killed me

Woah, wait. The whole quiverful movement is based upon " “Blessed is the MAN who has his quiver full of them”? Srsly? I never knew that. So she has to have multiple pregnancies so that HE is blessed?

I'll continue reading now.

 

[Smidlee]

I'd encourage people to read more about this woman before claiming she was not abused. I have read many things about her life that make my heart ache.

Abuse is also not always physical. It can be mental and emotional. Using Bible verses (or anything, really) to constantly invalidate someone's feelings or opinions in a relationship in an attempt to keep them subservient to you is abuse. This is but one thing this woman had to go through.

The one case I know about the woman also to claimed to be abused.(of course mentally abuse since no one has ever witness any physical abuse) It hard to really prove mental and emotional abuse since it can be pretty much anything.

 

[Hetta]

I know a woman IRL who went through something quite similar. She's still married though. She has I think 7 kids, all grown up, and she is the same age as me or maybe 2 years older at the most. She had baby after baby while her husband moved her all over the place, always hunting for where he thought "God" was sending him. In the meantime, there was never any money, she was scrimping and saving, he wouldn't allow her to use BC, and she couldn't hold down a job because she was pregnant/nursing/homeschooling. In the meantime, he was cheating - on a very, very regular basis. When she found out he was cheating, he threatened her with biblical passages about God hating divorce. I don't want to make her sound a victim - she's not. She's very tough and she's still married to him, and now that the kids are older, she is a lot more independent but she had to put her foot down about no more babies, and no more moving house, and you must get a proper job. She has her own career now - she went back to school - but what her husband did was abusive. She was literally kept pregnant, barefoot in the kitchen.

 

[KitKatMatt]

The one case I know about the woman also to claimed to abused. It hard to really prove mental and emotional abuse since it can be pretty much anything.

That does not make it any less real or harmful.

 

[Smidlee]

That does not make it any less real or harmful.

I love my mother and don't want to say anything bad but I have to admit she even accused my dad of mental abuse a few times. She didn't go too far with it though.

 

[Hetta]

I love my mother and don't want to say anything bad but I have to admit she even accused my dad of mental abuse a few times.

Well maybe he was mentally abusing her.

Kids know very little about what goes on between their parents when they aren't around, or what has gone on in their younger childhood. Just because the dad isn't beating the mom in front of them doesn't mean there is no abuse.

 

[Smidlee]

Well maybe he was mentally abusing her.

Kids know very little about what goes on between their parents when they aren't around, or what has gone on in their younger childhood. Just because the dad isn't beating the mom in front of them doesn't mean there is no abuse.

I'm not a child , I know better now.
Again mental abuse can be pretty much anything. I remember a man at my dad age told me he was mental abused as a child because he had to pick cotton.

 

[KitKatMatt]

Well maybe he was mentally abusing her.

Kids know very little about what goes on between their parents when they aren't around, or what has gone on in their younger childhood. Just because the dad isn't beating the mom in front of them doesn't mean there is no abuse.

Very true. And often people who do know others well have no idea that the person is abusive towards others because they behave complety different around them.

"What are you talking about? That guy is so nice to me." "That person always smiles at me and asks me about my day, how can they do what you're saying they do?" and other expressions are common in these situations.

Abusive people tend to be very good at hiding abuse, sometimes even from the one they are abusing (by convincing them otherwise and manipulating them).

 

[Smidlee]

Oh boy. Now we are getting into abuse conspiracy theories.

 

[Hetta]

I didn't realize they prevent their daughters from being formally educated, nor did I realize that they select their husbands for them.

Also, no dancing allowed because sex. No current music because sex. Little television allowed because sex. Their first kiss must look something like this.

Uncomfortable Double Virgin Wedding Kiss.Diaries..so, WHO's into it more? HE or SHE?? DUH - YouTube

 

[Hetta]

I'm not a child , I know better now.
Again mental abuse can be pretty much anything. I remember a man at my dad age told me he was mental abused as a child because he had to pick cotton.

Actually, you don't know your parents' marriage at all. Any more than my kids know the entirety of my marriage. Not because there is anything to hide, but because there is much that is kept private from children. You will understand that when/if you marry.

How do you know that man - for whose story you should have respect - wasn't mentally abused? Unless you lived in his shoes, you do not know.

 

[Hetta]

Very true. And often people who do know others well have no idea that the person is abusive towards others because they behave complety different around them.

"What are you talking about? That guy is so nice to me." "That person always smiles at me and asks me about my day, how can they do what you're saying they do?" and other expressions are common in these situations.

Abusive people tend to be very good at hiding abuse, sometimes even from the one they are abusing (by convincing them otherwise and manipulating them).

Yes, it's perfectly true. I have known both men and women who I thought were great people to be around, and found out later that they were abusing their partner. These people are skilled at hiding their behavior from others. They must be, otherwise that other person would never have married them.

This is why you see some appalling story about a man or a woman going crazy and killing all of their neighbors say "but they were such a nice family" or "s/he was such a nice person." Well, yes. People thought that John Wayne Gacy was a pillar of the community, that Ted Bundy was a charmer, etc etc. Name your own serial killer.

 

[KitKatMatt]

"Abuse conspiracy theories", I really hope you are able to learn more about this topic, because what is being talked about is hardly a conspiracy theory.

 

[Smidlee]

Actually, you don't know your parents' marriage at all. Any more than my kids know the entirety of my marriage. Not because there is anything to hide, but because there is much that is kept private from children. You will understand that when/if you marry.

How do you know that man - for whose story you should have respect - wasn't mentally abused? Unless you lived in his shoes, you do not know.

If I can't tell if my parents are mental abuse or not when I live with them for years then you prove my point; it hard to prove mental abuse because it can be pretty much anything.

 

[Hetta]

If I can't tell if my parents are mental abuse or not when I live with them for years then you prove my point; it hard to prove mental abuse because it can be pretty much anything.

Your mother is the only one who knows whether it was mental abuse. You would not know as you are not in their private life. My kids would be surprised by some things I could tell them about their dad, and things he could tell them about me. Not that we ever will, because it's private.