abuse and the process of healing

[Colleen1]

Here's some healing music. Sorry folks, pasting the youtube player hasn't been working lately. Take care. You continue to be in my prayers.

Broken Girl by Matthew West - YouTube

Only Grace - Matthew West - YouTube

Times - Tenth Avenue North - YouTube

 

[Colleen1]

Well, lots has been going on and I wouldn't even know where to start. In living a healthier life and not having certain unhealthy distractions around, I'm able to more clearly see the root cause of what I'm wanting to numb myself from. The affects of abuse go deep and take time to come to terms with. What we were taught is love and therefore now equate as love, is not love. I now realize this is an area I need more work in. I need to, in some ways, expect more from others and not still cling to false ideas of what love is. It's a good thing we grow in spurts; it's much easier to handle this way.

Find you Waiting By DecembeRadio - YouTube

DecembeRadio - Be Strong [New Song 2011] - YouTube
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[Colleen1]

I'm finding this song extremely helpful during this time. I hope it comforts, encourages and uplifts your weary heart. Again, you are very welcome to send me a pm if you prefer. Take care.

Audrey Assad - Show Me (Slideshow With Lyrics) - YouTube
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[Colleen1]

There are good days and bad days. I'm never comfortable with those times of uncertainty and being at a loss. Yuck!!! I'm not having fun. Feels like I'm in one big hiatus.

 

[Colleen1]

Can't help but feel sad today.

Switchfoot - Daisy - YouTube

I think it is not referring to a person, but Daisy as in the flower - it seems to fit with the other references to the rain and the sunshine. The daisy/rain/sunshine seems to be an analogy for God and us. We are the Daisies, rooted in the ground (the world) but longing to "let go" and fly away, knowing that the ground "doesnt hold your interest, doesnt hold your soul..."
(OnDistantShores 12-18-2005)

I agree with the above statement. Although, I believe the song may refer to both daisy as a flower and a person. (Colleen1)

It seems like another beautiful Switchfoot reminder to stay strong, weather the storms of life, put your hope where it belongs, and dont hold on too tight to this fallen world in which we live. (unknown)

Daisy
Daisy, give yourself away,
Look up at the rain
The beautiful display,
of power and surrender
Giving us today,
when she gives herself away

Rain, another rainy day,
It comes up from the ocean
To give herself away,
She comes down easy
Oh rich and debt, the same,
When she gives herself away,

Let it go,
Daisy let it go
Open up your fists
This fallen world,
Doesn't hold your interest,
Doesn't hold your soul,
Daisy let it go

Pain, give yourself a name,
Call yourself contrition,
Avarice or blame
Giving isn't easy,
And neither is the rain,
when she gives herself away

Daisy, why another day?
Why another sunrise?
Who's will take the blame,
For all redemptive motion?
And every rainy day,
when he gives himself away

Let it go,
Daisy let it go,
Open your fists
This fallen world,
Doesn't hold your interest,
Doesn't doesn't hold your soul,
Daisy let it go

Let it go (ooh...)

Let it go.
Let it go.
And you let it (Go, go!)
Let it go (Go! Let it go! Let it go! Go!)
(Let it go!)
(Let it go,)

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[LovedSparrow]

Thanks for your constant honesty of how you are doing. I had abuse in my life too and its helpful to know others have good and bad days too. One day I feel stronger and things are going okay, and the next day I feel like I've taken 10 steps back. I was highly triggered at work last night, people were acting strangely. I am a cashier and so I deal with the public all day. Most days I feel God but sometimes I have someone who triggers me (impatient people, angry men, and being stared at to 'go faster,' which oddly enough, makes me self conscious and makes me go slower. I tried to keep reminding me God is keeping me safe. I tried to keep my thoughts under control as I fear the worst, and picture someone yelling at me or getting angry. I need to stop that.

Keep up the good work. I love reading your posts.
God bless,
LovedSparrow

 

[Colleen1]

Thanks for your constant honesty of how you are doing. I had abuse in my life too and its helpful to know others have good and bad days too. One day I feel stronger and things are going okay, and the next day I feel like I've taken 10 steps back. I was highly triggered at work last night, people were acting strangely. I am a cashier and so I deal with the public all day. Most days I feel God but sometimes I have someone who triggers me (impatient people, angry men, and being stared at to 'go faster,' which oddly enough, makes me self conscious and makes me go slower. I tried to keep reminding me God is keeping me safe. I tried to keep my thoughts under control as I fear the worst, and picture someone yelling at me or getting angry. I need to stop that.

Keep up the good work. I love reading your posts.
God bless,
LovedSparrow

Thank you for your very kind, generous and heart-felt comments. They mean a whole lot to me, especially at this point in time when I have been questioning my place and purpose in life. At times God asks me to do things and I can say, "Yes, okay God. I'll do it." But then, in the middle of the struggle to do God's will and do good, I can start wondering if what I'm doing is for a greater purpose or if I'm caught in some sick game 'spinning my wheels' as life slips by. It's wonderful, when after my cries to God and after all the tears have fallen while pleading with God for some answers, to receive such a beautiful one from Him through you. You and your words are beautiful and God thinks so too. He loves us and this is just another display of how wonderful a Father we truly have. God bless! Please know you are in my prayers.

 

[Colleen1]

Golden - Switchfoot - YouTube

Golden
She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now,

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts
You're far from home, it's a perfect place to start

(Yeah!)
(Burn)
(Burn, Burn!)

So this final verse is a contradiction
And the more we learn the less we know

We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are)
Every breath is a fading crown we wear (Golden, Child, you are)
Like some debilitated king (Golden, don't let go)
Don't let go tonight

The Earth spins and the moon goes round (Golden, you are)
The green comes from the frozen ground (Golden, Child, you are)
And everything will be made new again (Golden)
(Like freedom in spring) (Golden, Golden)

Hey, like freedom in spring, (Golden, you are, hey)
Like freedom in spring (Golden, Child, you are)
(Gold...)
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[LovedSparrow]

It is a great song, Colleen!

I am feeling okay today. There are days where I feel strong and being in public is ok, and some days where being out is scary. My PTSD has me afraid of situations around me, and my autism makes it hard with all the sensory around me. My mentor told me to not think about myself all the time in public but I find it hard. She doesn't know abuse or autism. I felt invalidated. I wish it was something I could help more. I don't mean for it to be selfish, do you think I am? I don't know if I have more control than I think. I do pray.

Have a blessed day.
LovedSparrow

 

[LovedSparrow]

On a lighter note, I found this Tutu smiley that I found hilarious!

 

[Colleen1]

On a lighter note, I found this Tutu smiley that I found hilarious!

Ah yes! I like the cute pink bobbing head....sweet! I love graphics and expressing myself this way. A good way to cheer someone's day too.

Hope things are going well for you.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Thanks!

 

[Colleen1]

Thanks!

Oh, you're very welcome! Take care and God bless!

​

 

[Colleen1]

I think at this point in my life and healing, deciding what boundaries are healthy and right for me is the area I need to focus on. Obviously this can be different with every person I have relationship with. Much of how I set my boundaries will be based on how much I trust the other person. That's the crux of the problem. It's not always easy knowing who is and how much they are trustworthy. This is a difficult thing to decide many times. Despite recognizing various traits or patterns of behavior, the fact is that no one is perfect so how much do I allow in my life / near me. In order to decide who is trustworthy, I need to realize what is important to me in relationship and what is something I really shouldn't have in my life and be exposed to. This is tricky because many times I need to involve myself and emotionally invest in a relationship before I can figure some of these things out. Considering all the issues one has to deal with when they've been abuse, this whole topic can be a real risk and a mine field even when one has healed significantly. Even with healing I can still be confused with this issue at times because I draw on my past / memories when making decisions and protecting myself. At these times, when something comes up, I'm left needing to determine how much of my emotions are relevant to my current relationship and how much of my emotions are relevant to the person / people who are part of my past / memories. Expressing unproportionate feelings, e.g. frustration, pain, anger, etc. toward the other person in my current relationships would be wrong on my part. I think once we're ready to experience deeper relationship after healing, this issue will inevitably come up. This is another area of healing that will take time, effort, thought, processing of emotion, prayer, honesty with myself and others to sort out. Reminds me that God wants me to learn and grow until the day I die. Is this a depressing thought? No, because I know I am never starting from square one. Each step brings me closer to a deeper health and relationship with God and others.

Ephesians 3:16-19
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 

[cweinstein]

It's been a while since I've posted here. Didn't mean to be gone so long.
I continue to have ups and downs. Today has been a mixed day, and I can feel myself going down. It would be a good night for someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on

 

[LovedSparrow]

Having a hard week, a hard day. Aaaaaggghh! Ahh just seems like I can't figure anything out today.

(Had to vent).

 

[Colleen1]

It's been a while since I've posted here. Didn't mean to be gone so long.
I continue to have ups and downs. Today has been a mixed day, and I can feel myself going down. It would be a good night for someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on

It's not easy to, in a sense, feel like a yo yo. I can get so tired dealing with illness and then having stressful things come along. It's a wonder we can think straight at all some days. It seems when issues come along and feelings are intense it can feel so very confusing. If you're like me then that feeling of confusion is so very disconcerting. When I understand I feel I'm better able to take care of myself and life doesn't feel so chaotic. The feeling of chaos and uncertainty just plain stinks! Same feelings I have in an abusive environment. Nice to take a step back and sort out our thoughts and feelings but it's so very helpful to have a trustworthy person to help us through these times. Just so lonely otherwise. I will pray for you and don't mind listening. Take care of yourself; you're valuable.

 

[Colleen1]

Having a hard week, a hard day. Aaaaaggghh! Ahh just seems like I can't figure anything out today.

(Had to vent).

Well, you're welcome to vent. We need that some days. Nice to have trustworthy people and a safe place we can go to to express what we are feeling. Something freeing about saying things 'out loud'. It loses a lot of it's hold on us. Much better than suffering in silence. Not much fun feeling uncertain. A rather uncomfortable place. I empathize. I will pray for you and don't mind listening. Take care; you're valuable. So good to know God loves us.

 

[Colleen1]

I'm listening to this music this morning and thought I'd share.


Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North (with lyrics) - YouTube
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[LovedSparrow]

Thanks Colleen. Normally I can hold it together okay, but just struggling this week. The hardest is talking. My husband has been around me the last couple of days but I just don't have words.

In a nutshell, I have PTSD, abuse issues, autism, depression, high anxiety. I have no direction in my life, stuck in a dead-end job. I want to go back to college as I am almost 30, but we don't have the funds, and I don't know what to go for. I have lost my motivation just these last couple days so I don't do much during the day, then I feel worse. I got triggered really badly this week and went and hid by the closet and took a nap there because it was safe. (Hubby isn't abusive, just abuse from the past of an old bf). I just feel stuck. I feel so numb, and I'm just dissociating.

I am not isolating, we went to church today. I go to work just fine, have 2 bible studies, and I go to a counselor. I feel good about that. Life is just so heavy right now. It's really hard to talk about this because of my autism, it is hard to formulate words and speak them. I've taken up knitting which helps me talk, my fingers are distracted and I talk better somehow.

I know it will be better in a day or so, but right now I'm just feeling blah. I don't like talking about my emotions so this is hard
Thanks, Colleen.