abuse and the process of healing

[Colleen1]

Thankyou, Johnz and Colleen. Your words are words I can relate to. Thankyou for your own honesty, both of you.

I want to reply more fully to what you have both said, but at this moment do not have the time, but I just wanted you both to know I am grateful to you -SO grateful. I could share this with no-one else at all. The keeping it in was killing me. No-one truly understands these things unless they have been through them themselves.

Today is a bit better day, but I know that issues will continue to raise their ugly heads very often now, for a while.

My lovely Uncle, who just died, did not know about my mother. He had no idea of what she was doing to me. Neither did his wife, and they cared about my mother - the same goes for all of my relatives. My mother is a different person to them, to what she is to me, and in her own home. She can act so loving, and laugh and joke and call people "Luvvy" as if she is like them. But she is not - not towards me, her daughter. She is not Christian. I became Christian when I was 13, but got a lot of aggro about it. My mother has never understood it.

I would like to write more later, but have to go now. Thankyou again, to both of you. Thankyou also for your prayers.

God bless you both.

I can really relate to what you have said here. The manipulation of it all and her attitude toward others in comparsion to her attitude toward me has made my stomach turn. She got so bad she would out right berate me in front of others and when a few others noticed this was wrong she'd resort to lying about me (among other things) to make them lose their respect for me. What bothered me on top of this all was that other people were so ignorant and gullible despite my relationship with them etc. It felt like victimization on top of victimization. Abusers try to isolate us using all sorts of tactics including shame and we can suffer in silence. I'm glad you feel comfortable here and feel supported.

 

[PeaceRose]

Feeling SO bad today. Due to contact with my mother, and there are some other issues but that is the main one. I know I will never be free of her. I am torn in two. Why oh why is she like this? What makes her like this? Why did I have to suffer so, and not only then, but now as well. Why????? I don't understand her.

Abuse is terrible. It opens you up to further abuse. You seek help and then the person you seek help from uses your vulnerability and abuses you as well. YOu don't even see it - not for a very very long time. Then it is too late, and you are damaged once again.

Why do some of us have parents like this?

 

[PeaceRose]

Can we ever heal from parental abuse? It is like brainwashing. It goes in so deep, and nothing that anyone tells us truly rings true. Only the words of the abuser ring true. Oh yes, you work on the positives, and try to make yourself TRULY believe other stuff about yourself. You make a go of your life (well, somewhat), but then it comes back to bite you. It never leaves you. I HATE trying to be a survivor to please other people, so that they can't say I am not trying, or that I am all wrong somehow and it is my fault somehow cos I am not dealing with it in the proper way. Oh yes, I survived - got married, did two degrees and almost got a Ph.D. So in the world's terms I did well (oh but in later life and not when I left school). I never worked - couldn't hold a job down cos I was too afraid and thought I was no good. I was stupid. But I did work from home - tutoring and became and examiner too. But it wasn't a REAL job. Not a proper job. Never did much with my life really - nothing that counts. Too scared to live, really. Not at ease with people, but put on a show of being so. Sometimes people notice and say I am like a startled rabbit. I had no idea I looked like that. I thought I was doing well. Stood at the front in Church doing things - leading worship. Thought I was doing O.K. But no, I looked like a startled rabbit.

So, you think you are doing O.K. but you're not really. So how do you do it REALLY? And so you don't look like a startled rabbit. I am lost.

 

[Colleen1]

Feeling SO bad today. Due to contact with my mother, and there are some other issues but that is the main one. I know I will never be free of her. I am torn in two. Why oh why is she like this? What makes her like this? Why did I have to suffer so, and not only then, but now as well. Why????? I don't understand her.

Abuse is terrible. It opens you up to further abuse. You seek help and then the person you seek help from uses your vulnerability and abuses you as well. YOu don't even see it - not for a very very long time. Then it is too late, and you are damaged once again.

Why do some of us have parents like this?

I hear you. I call this revictimization. It when you feel abused all over again. Not a good feeling. Years ago I had a lady tell me that it was possible part of the problem with my mother could be that she is jealous. I found this to be true in part but I think in many ways I reminded her of things she didn't want to think about and deal with. Things like abuse or what abuse I was going through that she didn't have the courage to stop. I think people who hate themselves show hate to others. Whether it be in big obvious ways like what our mothers do or other subtle hurtful things like gossip, etc. I think along with human nature and a fallen world these people stick it to others many times because they want distraction from their own pain. This isn't right or fair but I think it's part of the fallen world we live in. That's why I'm glad we have a good Father God whose motives are pure. Therefore, I can trust Him.

 

[Colleen1]

Can we ever heal from parental abuse? It is like brainwashing. It goes in so deep, and nothing that anyone tells us truly rings true. Only the words of the abuser ring true. Oh yes, you work on the positives, and try to make yourself TRULY believe other stuff about yourself. You make a go of your life (well, somewhat), but then it comes back to bite you. It never leaves you. I HATE trying to be a survivor to please other people, so that they can't say I am not trying, or that I am all wrong somehow and it is my fault somehow cos I am not dealing with it in the proper way. Oh yes, I survived - got married, did two degrees and almost got a Ph.D. So in the world's terms I did well (oh but in later life and not when I left school). I never worked - couldn't hold a job down cos I was too afraid and thought I was no good. I was stupid. But I did work from home - tutoring and became and examiner too. But it wasn't a REAL job. Not a proper job. Never did much with my life really - nothing that counts. Too scared to live, really. Not at ease with people, but put on a show of being so. Sometimes people notice and say I am like a startled rabbit. I had no idea I looked like that. I thought I was doing well. Stood at the front in Church doing things - leading worship. Thought I was doing O.K. But no, I looked like a startled rabbit.

So, you think you are doing O.K. but you're not really. So how do you do it REALLY? And so you don't look like a startled rabbit. I am lost.

Lots of what you say I can relate to. I think we all have our insecurities and at one time or another we've felt in essence like we weren't living to the fullest or pretending to have it together. The good news is it doesn't really matter what other people say or think. If we are okay with ourselves and God that is what matters. It took me years to sort through issues with my mother. I ended up cutting all ties with my family because they're so toxic to me. Even after my mother's death some of the things she did lingered and I found myself having to process them. This isn't easy. The other good thing is that you aren't alone. There are others that understand and God does as well. The are passages in the Bible that remind us of this and there are many stories in the Bible of heroes who have had flawed lives and flawed families and these stories are the most inspiring. One passage that comes to mind is:
Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

 

[PeaceRose]

Thanks Colleen. You are right in what you say. I know that I remind my mother of how she never wanted children and of how she wanted to, and tried to abort me - but I do not know really, why she felt like that - probably because of her own mother and her own mother's beliefs. So it made my mother hit me when I thought I was pregnant (and not even because I wasn't married - I had been married for two years). She had abortions lined up for me for if I ever did get pregnant, but when she hit me I wasn't pregnant in the end as she made me take some pills. I was much younger then. I couldn't fight her. I never did manage to win that one - went through hell wanting to be pregnant but not being able to dare do it.

So now, I will be alone in the end. No family, nothing. I wonder what my life has been worth. Oh yes, I did things - used my talents, so to speak, and to some extend, but not fully. Worked in domestic violence and helped set up a Women's Refuge. Did all sorts. But nothing of note, like others have done. Not like the rest of my family who have all achieved something. Nothing that my mother could ever think was worthwhile. Not like my brother, or my sister, whom she did NOT abuse. So why me?

And why the startled rabbit? You know what - I always thought I was confident. Always thought I was doing O.K. but then I knew I wasn't really cos I was like a startled rabbit. I don't understand that. Maybe I speak quickly - think maybe I do. Was it that? Oh well.............not that it matters now. I am 62 now, and will soon be totally alone in life. No friends, no family. I will probably die alone. All because of abuse. All because of what my mother did. All because I was not allowed to have friends as a child and did not know how to have friends as an adult. I did not have the skills. Tried to, but was not like other people. How could I have been so wrong, and yet thought I was doing O.K.?

 

[Colleen1]

I hope you don't mind me saying, both our mother had / have a lot to learn about mothering. Sounds like your mother, like mine, is so stuck in her pain (self absorbed) that they go around creating pain for others. e.g. like running for the door in a fire and crushing a mouse on the way out. This is no excuse. We need to be mindful of the things we're doing. Some times understanding the dynamics behind things (all be it they're wrong) helps us resolve those difficult emotions we're feeling.

As far as success... society's view of success can be off. What society thinks doesn't really matter. As long as we aren't damaging to ourselves and others. God and the life he gave us to take care of matter. God's opinion above all else counts. I have had my struggles with this. I'm chronically ill and my level of functioning has dropped significantly but I still contribute in ways that matter. e.g. the work you do for abused women saves lives. Many times we don't always see the extent to what our help in these areas has impacted peoples lives but the truth is this work saves lives. A simple smile, a pat on the shoulder, can save a life. Doctors aren't the only ones saving lives. Society's views as opposed to God's can be very narrow and limiting. Just like we should view God in a box we shouldn't view our lives this way either. One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Rooseevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Some times we just have to say no to the pressure and nonsense that comes our way and say no longer will I let you bend my confidence and value. I have to purposefully tell myself I will not allow people to make me feel this way. Call it affirmation. I've had to commit myself to this and continually make this decision even now. Think about the years we've experienced junk and how we learn as children. Now we need to give ourselves the same time to relearn better things. One thing I need to keep in mind is that making a mistake or letting myself down in this area doesn't mean I'm a failure nor does other peoples ignorant thoughts / comments. There's another quote that has helped me a lot and that is: "With faith and the understanding that failure is not the end but common to all good people you too can get up and rise to the height that God desires for you" (Dr. Henry Cloud & John Towsend). This reminds me even though I let people get me down and I feel like I've failed myself or when I make mistakes or feel deluged by my environment and react badly, I am truly loved and valued by God and with the help of His grace I can pick myself up and hold my head high regardless of the junk thrown my way. Take care of yourself and remember you're loved.

 

[Colleen1]

Many days this is how I feel:

But if my bike doesn't work I can always pick myself up and 'walk'....'dance'

 

[PeaceRose]

Thanks Colleen. It just feels all so bad right now. So much family stuff going on. Disabled husband who is sick and who is difficult to deal with much of the time, however much I love him. Not well myself either, like you Colleen. Some days it seems all too much effort and just getting up out of bed is terrible. Then when I do get up, I can't get going (have rheumatoid arthritis). So my life now, is so different to what it used to be. Struggling just to survive. This funeral has brought everything out and up again. Of course, what you say is true Colleen, and in the past I learnt somewhat to live my life in those beliefs. It's hard. But I did it. After a fashion I suppose.

But now, the truth is coming to hit me on the head. The truth of what my life has been. The truth of what its end will be.

I think if you are abused and you do truly come to know that God loves you, and if you can truly believe and trust in God, you are so blessed and lucky. It has not been that way for me. Belief does not come to me very easily, and I question all of the time. I do not just take what people say, and believe it. I can't. I can't afford to.

Oh, I've had moments of faith. Moments when I risked all for faith. Not just moments sometimes actually. Put my whole life and security on the line. But now.......well, it's all different. It does all come back to bite you in the end. And usually when you don't have much strength left. Usually when you are fighting for everything that you have - just to keep it - or when you are fighting simply to live. So much bad has happened to us since two years ago. And we have gone through hell. And my mother? Well, she just rubs it all in. I try to stay away from her. Cut all ties. What a struggle. Never know if I'm doing right or wrong. She is 85 now and has emphysema and spondylitis which hurts her like hell, and chronic kidney failure. She is not dying. Not yet. She is strong. So so so strong. She has an iron will. Total determination.

Like I said. I am sick of being a survivor - that's what I am meant to be - but truly I am sick of it. Wearing it like a badge - like I'm meant to. I'm tired. So so tired.

When is healing REALLY healing? And when is it just nothing?

 

[PeaceRose]

I'm tired. That's all.

 

[Colleen1]

Boy do I relate to what you are saying. Illness can really get us down. Especially if we are in pain; it's down right tiring and our emotional strength wanes. Sounds like you have a lot coming at you. I can relate to soooo much of what you've said.

"Like I said. I am sick of being a survivor - that's what I am meant to be - but truly I am sick of it. Wearing it like a badge - like I'm meant to. I'm tired. So so tired.
When is healing REALLY healing? And when is it just nothing?"

I get what you're saying and I wonder the same things at times. I think it's never nothing. It's always something. We are healing. The truth is we're humans and when something hurtful happens we hurt but it doesn't mean we're starting from scratch. I compare it to an old wound being picked at. That's why space from the source of the 'picking' can be a good thing. It gives the wound time to heal.

 

[Colleen1]

Something that can help me resolve intense emotional feelings is music. One of the cds that helped along the way is, "Fireflies and Songs" by Sara Groves. Actually, much of her music helped me. I've been doing a lot of thinking. ...I'm always thinking hence my mood is always at brooding (in thought). These songs have helped me express and process a lot of what I was feeling and needing. My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. When I found out my mother was ill, who has now passed away, I started looking at how to resolve certain issues so the both of us could have peace. The same thing came up that did years ago. That's honesty but when someone isn't wanting to be in this place it can seem impossible. So I was honest in the best way I could be and like many times before I then looked for a way we could connect on common ground. I feel truly blessed there was that common honest connect before she died but this is never an easy process and I didn't know if I would ever get it. But this song helped me express my desire for 'fireflies and songs' with my mother.
Fireflies & Songs. - YouTube

 

[Colleen1]

Another song helped me when I had to process feelings I had when going to one of the family homes where I was abused and always brought up lots of intense feelings. My family were still living there and returning was never easy. This song helped me express a lot of what I was feeling and let me know I wasn't alone and reminded me of how God used broken things in my life to draw me near to Him.
Sara Groves "This House" Music Video - YouTube

 

[Colleen1]

On the album sleeve she relates one of the following songs to friendship. Now I find a whole lot of comfort in the depth and honesty I can have with God and others as we share many of the same thoughts and emotions. I thank God for the lessons I've learned and that His motives are pure. I thank Him that He's taken things that were meant for evil and turned them into good. He's the best Father in the world. Thanks for listening and God bless!!!!
Sara Groves Different Kinds of Happy - YouTube

Sara Groves: Twice As Good w/ lyrics - YouTube

It's about friends sharing things in life.​

 

[PeaceRose]

Colleen, thankyou so much for posting these vids up. I really appreciate that. I read your postings a day or two ago, but so much was happening in my life that I did not get chance to reply to thank you.

I absolutely LOVE those songs. I agree with you about music - it helps me so much as well. It is very healing.

I was going to start a new thread just now about what is happening with me and my mother who is so abusive. Wasn't sure whether to do that, or to put some further things on this one. This thread is about the process of healing, so not sure about what to put where, as what I have to say is about continued abuse and a crisis going on at the moment due to all kinds of events within my family. So, maybe it would be best to start another thread, so as to keep to the subject of this one. Again though, thanks Colleen for these lovely vids. xx

 

[Colleen1]

Colleen, thankyou so much for posting these vids up. I really appreciate that. I read your postings a day or two ago, but so much was happening in my life that I did not get chance to reply to thank you.

I absolutely LOVE those songs. I agree with you about music - it helps me so much as well. It is very healing.

I was going to start a new thread just now about what is happening with me and my mother who is so abusive. Wasn't sure whether to do that, or to put some further things on this one. This thread is about the process of healing, so not sure about what to put where, as what I have to say is about continued abuse and a crisis going on at the moment due to all kinds of events within my family. So, maybe it would be best to start another thread, so as to keep to the subject of this one. Again though, thanks Colleen for these lovely vids. xx

You're very welcome. I'm glad the posts were helpful. I'm glad we can connect and support one another. I understand it's difficult to keep up with things. I'm having the same problem. It's tough when we feel bombarded with junk. It's like so much can be happening at once it's hard just to keep thoughts straight. I don't mind you making posts on this thread. I started the thread so we'd have a place to process the things we're struggling with. Coming together and connecting with one another is a good way to feel supported. There's something helpful in saying things 'out loud'; it helps us gain objectivity. I will continue to pray for you and your situation. It's not easy dealing with so many family dynamics. Take care.

 

[Colleen1]

I was just thinking this is the way I feel today.

It Might Be Hope - YouTube

Take care, you're in my prayers!

​

 

[Colleen1]

During the times when things are grim and the road seems crooked and rocky, it's nice to have people remind us that God can make the way straight even when we can't see how this can be possible. Right now I'm finding those biblical truths of God's true character and music to be helpful. It's so good to have art in our lives. .... and just as I type this I'm reminded that it helps me to celebrate even the little things in my life. After all it's the little things that can make the biggest difference. Which brings me to my story... I had a difficult time this past couple of weeks and asked a friend for prayer. Still feeling rather discouraged the one night, I went to get some ice and bottled water in the hotel where I was staying and there was a hotel worker next to me in the elevator. He was a young man that had obviously had various life experiences. I turned to greet him with a "hello" and in so doing glanced at his name tag. It said Jesus. Immediately I knew God was asking me to pay attention. It reminded me of passages like Psalm 139 and how God is there with us wherever we go regardless of the highs and lows. I guess you could say I met 'Jesus' that day in the elevator.

Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin - YouTube
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[Colleen1]

The Broken Pieces lyrics - Matthew West - YouTube​

 

[cweinstein]

Beautiful song, thanks for sharing it