abuse and the process of healing

[justageek]

I have struggled with years of emotional abuse. Eventually I just moved on, and the pain went away. You'll get through this, I promise. <3

If you need to talk, PM me, okay? =)

 

[Colleen1]

I have struggled with years of emotional abuse. Eventually I just moved on, and the pain went away. You'll get through this, I promise. <3

If you need to talk, PM me, okay? =)

Thanks for your kindness and understanding. I'm going through processes to create awareness and proper treatment of the abused (and chronically ill.. that's another story) in my community, church, etc. while being chronically ill. It's not easy and some days it's incredibly invalidating and difficult and brings up a lot of those old difficult feelings. On a day like today I try to keep in mind the the times I've seen God move mountains concerning some of these seemingly impossible things in my life. ...but yeah...

 

[cweinstein]

I'm glad you had a good day. I'm sorry for replying late. I'm not getting my email notices. Any way. It feels great to be able to say I'm having a good day. I'm happy for you. I'm feeling the strain but holding up.

I was NOT having a good day, but when I do it is great.

 

[Colleen1]

That's a good idea, I may try that today. I am not having a good day.

Sorry about the misunderstanding. Wasn't meaning to be invalidating. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome etc. some times mind registers numbers back ward and I have some cognitive issues. But all excuses aside, last thing I wanted to do was be insensitive. Thanks for pointing it out. I appreciate it. Good communication make good relationships. Take care.

 

[633woman]

My heart aches for all who have been through abuse. I've been there and by God's grace I have found healing.

As many have mentioned, the process takes time and there isn't a fix-it answer ... but if you haven't read these books, they were instrumental in my healing process.

Books: The Wounded Heart, Victory Over Darkness, Search for Significance, and Telling Yourself the Truth (sorry I didn't hyperlink the books, but I haven't made 50 posts yet).


God Bless!

 

[Colleen1]

My heart aches for all who have been through abuse. I've been there and by God's grace I have found healing.

As many have mentioned, the process takes time and there isn't a fix-it answer ... but if you haven't read these books, they were instrumental in my healing process.

Books: The Wounded Heart, Victory Over Darkness, Search for Significance, and Telling Yourself the Truth (sorry I didn't hyperlink the books, but I haven't made 50 posts yet).

God Bless!

Welcome and thanks for your kindness. Right now I'm needing to deal with a few situations where the 'band aid' gets ripped off at times. I think you know what I mean. When those issues are done with it'll be easier. No problem about the links. Take care and thanks for sharing.

 

[Colleen1]

I know a lot of the frustration, anger and discouragement is because I'm not taking care of myself so I get rather annoyed cleaning up other people's messes when I should be focusing on my health. I've been spending too much time and energy trying to live up to others unrealistic expectations of myself. Others who are dealing with the issues of the abuse I reported being handled badly, etc. I have a whole lot of rather serious stuff on my plate and it's all important. ...but I can't keep up physically with illness and it's taking it's toll emotionally as well. So I'm having to set some better limitations and let's just say, it isn't going very smoothly in some regard. Not having reliable medical help right now seems to be making the situation impossible. (my doctor moved away) ... I'm trying to do practicle things to deal with all the situations but it's not easy and I'm rather stumped in some regards. I can only do what I can do and whether or not these other people accept this I need to still be confident in myself despite their resistance to my new more limited boundaries. Thanks for listening. Take care and I'm praying for you all.

 

[cweinstein]

Sorry about the misunderstanding. Wasn't meaning to be invalidating. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome etc. some times mind registers numbers back ward and I have some cognitive issues. But all excuses aside, last thing I wanted to do was be insensitive. Thanks for pointing it out. I appreciate it. Good communication make good relationships. Take care.

No need to apologize. I understand.
Communication with my ex eroded over time, his idea of communication was he was right and I was always wrong, or at fault. If I tried to speak my mind I was getting defensive, according to him.
Take care

 

[cweinstein]

I know a lot of the frustration, anger and discouragement is because I'm not taking care of myself so I get rather annoyed cleaning up other people's messes when I should be focusing on my health. I've been spending too much time and energy trying to live up to others unrealistic expectations of myself. Others who are dealing with the issues of the abuse I reported being handled badly, etc. I have a whole lot of rather serious stuff on my plate and it's all important. ...but I can't keep up physically with illness and it's taking it's toll emotionally as well. So I'm having to set some better limitations and let's just say, it isn't going very smoothly in some regard. Not having reliable medical help right now seems to be making the situation impossible. (my doctor moved away) ... I'm trying to do practicle things to deal with all the situations but it's not easy and I'm rather stumped in some regards. I can only do what I can do and whether or not these other people accept this I need to still be confident in myself despite their resistance to my new more limited boundaries. Thanks for listening. Take care and I'm praying for you all.

I completely understand, and relate to that. I am going through something similar. Frustration, discouragement, anxiety, stress, they all take their toll emotionally, and physically. My physical health has vastly improved in the 2 yrs since I left my abuser (I was weeks away from dying when I left). He was denying me access to medical and dental care. Once I left and sought medical care I ended up needing 2 surgeries just 7 months apart, plus extensive emergency dental treatment before I could have surgery, etc.

Now my physical health is much improved, but the divorce left me without health insurance, which was not supposed to happen. Also, I fix computers for a living and when I am not working on a computer for a client I seem to be working on computers for friends and family. That's one area where I need to set new boundaries.

I am here any time you need someone to talk to. I am praying for you too

 

[Colleen1]

No need to apologize. I understand.
Communication with my ex eroded over time, his idea of communication was he was right and I was always wrong, or at fault. If I tried to speak my mind I was getting defensive, according to him.
Take care

Yeah, I hear you. You are not alone. So many of us have had these struggles and I don't mind praying.

 

[Colleen1]

I completely understand, and relate to that. I am going through something similar. Frustration, discouragement, anxiety, stress, they all take their toll emotionally, and physically. My physical health has vastly improved in the 2 yrs since I left my abuser (I was weeks away from dying when I left). He was denying me access to medical and dental care. Once I left and sought medical care I ended up needing 2 surgeries just 7 months apart, plus extensive emergency dental treatment before I could have surgery, etc.

Now my physical health is much improved, but the divorce left me without health insurance, which was not supposed to happen. Also, I fix computers for a living and when I am not working on a computer for a client I seem to be working on computers for friends and family. That's one area where I need to set new boundaries.

I am here any time you need someone to talk to. I am praying for you too

Yes, some of those who are suppose to love us, those who we have loved and have committed to, whether it be a spouse, boyfriend or family, have shown us a real lack of love and care. I'm very grateful God's motives are pure and this is my anchor. He is one I can truly trust. Today, I'm so tired and this morning I've already been pulled in five different directions. I can barely manage to just let myself release my feelings to God without words. I'm very grateful the Holy Spirit can groan on our behalf. I'm glad I don't even need word with God, just authenticity. God bless.

 

[Colleen1]

Dealing with some unpleasant stuff and every now and then I feel rather hurt because of some of the unfair nasty stuff that I've experienced. There's been a lot of it and it can seem overwhelming. But I'm doing okay for one of those moments and the music I'm listening to helps; it's great.

Have you ever been told something so much that it seems you've become what the others in your life have said to you. I mean you're told you're worthless so you feel worthless or you're told your a bad person (even though you're not) but you start feeling you're one and make bad decisions. This irritates me greatly. I'm not saying I'm a bad person but the hurt has left me deeply wounded and I don't want to be vulnerable with lots of the people here so I'm stern and tired of giving them 20 or more chances. I don't want to be swayed in this way by these people and their ignorance becoming something I'm not. This issue irritates me. It's been one of the annoying things about abuse and my situation. Last night I saw a movie I wouldn't have seen before I was with my ex, years ago, and it's nothing I enjoyed last night. I didn't remember all the nasty parts and it was nothing I would approve of now. It reminded me of this issue and hurt came up because there's been new stuff and this whole issue of not being myself because of exposure to stuff and not recognizing some of this early on. I know we have choices and I'm responsible for my stuff but I think you know what I mean.This is an aspect of abuse that annoys me greatly.

 

[Colleen1]

This is a song I read out loud when I got baptized and it really hits home when I feel this way.
When The Tears Fall by Newsboys - YouTube​

 

[PeaceRose]

I am feeling like absolute **** I am, believe it or not, 63 years old. My Uncle just died, and his funeral was yesterday. So much dirt has been brought up by this event - he was a good and kind man but he was my mother's brother, and my mother has abused me all of my life, but terribly so when I was younger. This death and funeral and various other family crises have brought it all up and back again. My mother is still a very very abusive person. I am in terrible pain right now.

I have done what I can with my life - achieved some really good and worthwhile things - but also suffered so much that words could not describe it. I have survived in spite of her. But to this day, she would push me down again if she could. To this day, she hates me.

Some daysI cannot bear the pain. Today is one of them. My future is going to be total aloneness, and a horrible end.

Sometimes, however much you strive and however hard you try, and whatever you achieve and overcome in life, when you have been badly abused, you just cannot go on overcoming. It overcomes you. I am there now.

 

[Johnnz]

Life can be so tough and painful. Something that can help is our hope, that one day Jesus will return and usher in a new life beyond our wildest dreams where we will all become fully the persons we were ever meant to be. That's not 'pie in the sky' stuff, but something that can be a a real source for us as this verse tells us:

Heb 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.NIV

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Life can be so tough and painful. Something that can help is our hope, that one day Jesus will return and usher in a new life beyond our wildest dreams where we will all become fully the persons we were ever meant to be. That's not 'pie in the sky' stuff, but something that can be a a real source for us as this verse tells us:

Heb 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.NIV

John
NZ

Thanks John

 

[Colleen1]

I am feeling like absolute **** I am, believe it or not, 63 years old. My Uncle just died, and his funeral was yesterday. So much dirt has been brought up by this event - he was a good and kind man but he was my mother's brother, and my mother has abused me all of my life, but terribly so when I was younger. This death and funeral and various other family crises have brought it all up and back again. My mother is still a very very abusive person. I am in terrible pain right now.

I have done what I can with my life - achieved some really good and worthwhile things - but also suffered so much that words could not describe it. I have survived in spite of her. But to this day, she would push me down again if she could. To this day, she hates me.

Some daysI cannot bear the pain. Today is one of them. My future is going to be total aloneness, and a horrible end.

Sometimes, however much you strive and however hard you try, and whatever you achieve and overcome in life, when you have been badly abused, you just cannot go on overcoming. It overcomes you. I am there now.

Believe it or not, I hear you and I have felt this way before. If I told people a fraction of the stuff I've experienced they would not believe it. There's a saying that fact is stranger than fiction. Real life can be mind blowingly absurd at times. ...not to mention incredibly painful. During these extremely painful times all I can do is just sit down with God and let my heart feel what it needs to feel. The Holy Spirit groans on my behalf. I find God is a good listener and I know His motives are pure and He cares. Before I really understood this, these times were especially hard because trust is a huge issue and now many times in my life God is the only one I can trust who truly understands. ...and gets all the junk we've been through that others haven't seen / don't understand ... like those demeaning manipulative ways we've been treated that are hard to explain but we know them to be the junk they are. e.g. like you my mother treated me horribly badly in very many ways and through out my life I've had to hear how she was such a godly woman and thought of as such a martyr. I was being treated abusively by her and she was also enabling others to abuse me and during my childhood I use to have to hear stuff like, "your mother is going through a difficult time you should treat her better" ... and much more. The truth is, is that she wanted to be so emeshed with me and controlling that any time I dared to disagree with her or defend myself / feel confidence she would drag all sorts of other people into it and pour on the guilt and try to suck me back into the dysfunctional sick mess of these relationships. (my whole family is like this) not to mention others in my environment. Most of those who aren't like this fall for the nonsense of the lies / manipulation by these people. So yes, I can empathize with loneliness. And death can intensify some of these issues because feelings are high, family dynamics (behavior) are staring us in the face and we're dealing with grief and vulnerability. Not easy. I very rarely talk about specifics but in this situation I want you to understand my saying I hear you isn't a simple pat on the back. I really do feel for you and you continue to be in my prayers. I recognize the importance of speaking about these things out loud. Suffering in silence can be a killer and can hold us to shame that isn't ours to carry. Saying things out loud takes the control away from the abusers and helps us help ourselves. If you're able to you're welcome to pm me, whichever you feel most comfortable doing or if your account will let you. Either way I don't mind listening. Remember you're not alone.

p.s. It's more than okay if you take care of yourself especially during these times. e.g. good music, bubble bath, poetry, journal, good movie, reassuring affirmations, etc. It's okay to feel comfortable with no guilt attached to it. Take care.

 

[Johnnz]

John and Paula Sanford, wonderfully spiritual and insightful people, coined a word - shrike - to describe a person who was always right, who controlled and manipulated, who rewrote events to suit their own story, who recruited others to support their own account. A shrike is a bird that impales its prey on a cactus thorn and then proceeds to eat it. And, they can never see/admit they are wrong.

I had a mother like that. I was wrong to be a Christian, to attend university, to marry the woman I wanted to wed, how we raised our children, our lifestyle, our commitment to her, were amongst her pet attacks on me and later our family. We were the ones in the wrong, not her, so any meaningful reconciliation was virtually impossible. Extremely painful, often difficult or all but impossible. Nevertheless, those experiences formed something within my own heart that has allowed me into places in others' lives that I may never have learned about and shared with them. And it caused a search for reality in my Christian life, for my own pains and those of others.

"In all things God works together for good...."

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

John and Paula Sanford, wonderfully spiritual and insightful people, coined a word - shrike - to describe a person who was always right, who controlled and manipulated, who rewrote events to suit their own story, who recruited others to support their own account. A shrike is a bird that impales its prey on a cactus thorn and then proceeds to eat it. And, they can never see/admit they are wrong.

I had a mother like that. I was wrong to be a Christian, to attend university, to marry the woman I wanted to wed, how we raised our children, our lifestyle, our commitment to her, were amongst her pet attacks on me and later our family. We were the ones in the wrong, not her, so any meaningful reconciliation was virtually impossible. Extremely painful, often difficult or all but impossible. Nevertheless, those experiences formed something within my own heart that has allowed me into places in others' lives that I may never have learned about and shared with them. And it caused a search for reality in my Christian life, for my own pains and those of others.

"In all things God works together for good...."

John
NZ

Wow! I can relate (except my parents were christians) so this was rather disillusioning. But yes, I can really relate to what you have shared. This bird sounds very familiar. ...and yes, communicating and sharing any type of truth with these people is next to impossible. That's why I've been clear in communicating I have no desire to live a life of lies and pretense. I can really relate to you saying, "it caused a search for reality in my Christian life". This is something that has and continues to be very important to me. Thanks for sharing. You and your family are in my prayers. Take care.

 

[PeaceRose]

Thankyou, Johnz and Colleen. Your words are words I can relate to. Thankyou for your own honesty, both of you.

I want to reply more fully to what you have both said, but at this moment do not have the time, but I just wanted you both to know I am grateful to you -SO grateful. I could share this with no-one else at all. The keeping it in was killing me. No-one truly understands these things unless they have been through them themselves.

Today is a bit better day, but I know that issues will continue to raise their ugly heads very often now, for a while.

My lovely Uncle, who just died, did not know about my mother. He had no idea of what she was doing to me. Neither did his wife, and they cared about my mother - the same goes for all of my relatives. My mother is a different person to them, to what she is to me, and in her own home. She can act so loving, and laugh and joke and call people "Luvvy" as if she is like them. But she is not - not towards me, her daughter. She is not Christian. I became Christian when I was 13, but got a lot of aggro about it. My mother has never understood it.

I would like to write more later, but have to go now. Thankyou again, to both of you. Thankyou also for your prayers.

God bless you both.