A Suggestion for the Sake of Harmony

[Paulie079]

So this is something that I have only recently begun to notice is an issue with the way that I go about interacting with others here on CF, and I have noticed that it seems to be a trend among a lot of other members as well.

Oftentimes in a thread, someone will post their thoughts or their reply, and instead of responding to the OP, another user will respond to that member in a critical way instead. I see it often in threads where the OP asks for advice or thoughts from the other members. Someone will share a piece of advice and then another member will come along and criticize them, which starts a heated rabbit trail and leaves the OP with little to no help and a bunch of bickering people lol.

I am public enemy #1 when it comes to this, so this is not me calling out other members. It is something that I am working on personally as well. But this is a suggestion for all of us to interact with each other in a way that is respectful and allows everyone to participate meaningfully:
In a thread, respond to the OP with your thoughts or advice. Do not criticize another person's thoughts or advice. Simply share your own based on your own wisdom and experience and then move forward, regardless of how bad the advice is. If you are truly worried that someone will be led astray by poor advice, message them about it directly rather than starting a public debate. If you want to respond to someone other than the OP with encouragement or to further discussion, that is one thing, but jumping on them for what they said makes for a not-so-fun place to interact. Everyone should be able to share their thoughts/feelings without being ridiculed.
The one exception I would make is if someone is being blatantly rude or unkind. But even then I think we have to watch how far we go as it doesn't take much to derail a thread.

If you think I made this thread passive aggressively about you, the truth is that I didn't. We have all done this at one point or another. But if you think that, it probably means you are one of the culprits lol. And I hope you take this to heart. Let's all be a little bit more respectful of each other.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

I totally agree and I've made similar threads in the past about this very thing or very similar issues when it comes to people and their threads. It's always about respect. And with this area of the forum I noticed that this issue goes in waves. Sometimes things are really great, people respect the threads they wander into and all that jazz but then it's like it takes one person to go against the grain and get disrespectful or moody and then boom everyone seems to follow suit.

And trust me, I've been at fault for this too. I come into a thread and I really just try my best to do the "Blind post" kind of situation where I just read the OP and reply based on what they've said and not get distracted with other replies and opinions. But sometimes I just can't help myself. So we're not all perfect and stuff happens, but it's good just to be mindful and realize that maybe the OP's thread is more important than possibly saying something to a replying person that could potentially send the thread into orbit.


And now that I've basically just said everything you've just said....

 

[drjean]

It's good advice and not only that it's one of the CF guidelines:

 

[Noxot]

I have a big problem with people who think they can make rules to make people righteous. righteousness is a spiritual quality and it comes by faith in God.

I don't believe in whitewashed harmonies. I don't understand all the rules people make up and try to get everyone to conform to. I only want to follow rules that live in the spirit of goodness and I want to exist in the reality that I exist in - one where many imperfections exist.

I prefer realness and the free interaction of others because it might create genuine change. I do not believe in abiding by rules that people can then use to attempt to control others nor do I think that making rules up for the sake of social politeness will lead someone to deeply change how they are.

order and chaos both have a place. I prefer humans be human with one another because it is closer to a "living" societal rule than mere pen and paper rules are. being human with one another means we have to deal with one another rather than hide behind a billion rules. why should only certain personality traits have dominance?

but I think it's good to point out things that happen.

 

[Servant68]

I prefer realness and the free interaction of others because it might create genuine change. I do not believe in abiding by rules that people can then use to attempt to control others nor do I think that making rules up for the sake of social politeness will lead someone to deeply change how they are.

My internet forum experience has been almost exclusively firearms forums. I have been on one site for nearly 20 years with over 30k posts. I have never been banned and only gotten a couple of warnings years ago when things got heated.

Those sites are populated by 98% men, most of which are either veterans, law enforcement, or both. They are also mostly conservative. In fact, there is probably less than half a dozen liberals on a site with over 80k forum members.

So, being used to a site with conservative, manly men for 20 years and being able to converse openly, honestly, and constructively has made this site quite a difficult adjustment.

Most people on the sites I'm used to have lived life. They have served in the military, they have bought homes, they have built businesses. They have raised kids, been married a couple of times and have been there and done that.

If they think what you said or did was dumb, they will tell you. They don't care about your feelings or getting a warning. They care about being honest and truthful and preventing you from making another dumb decision and harming yourself or others around you.

Of course there are a bunch of jerks and blow-hards mixed in with that group who just enjoy insulting and tearing others down. They get reprimanded pretty quickly. There are a surprisingly high number of atheists and non-believers among conservatives now. That has changed dramatically since I first joined conservative gun sites; more and more conservatives are turning from God.

Which is why I sought out this site. I wanted to talk about life and hobbies and faith with other Believers.

I didn't anticipate an atmosphere of not saying anything when observing some pretty horrifically unhealthy and stupid behavior and thought processes.

Christians today are facing some real enemies that want to not only ban us from worshiping Christ, but want to take our lives and the lives of our families. Many here seem unwilling to face that reality and in fact actually support those individuals and belief systems that hate God and Christ.

That has been the hardest thing for me to accept here. To see Believers so willing to support and defend Satan and his followers has been mind-blowing.

But anyway, yeah, I'll try and keep my mouth shut and not offend anyone here anymore...

 

[PeachieKeen]

Well... The What's on your mind thread just got a whole lot less interesting...

(I'm teasing, I respect this view and I will try to be better about it also)

 

[Miss Spaulding]

So this is something that I have only recently begun to notice is an issue with the way that I go about interacting with others here on CF, and I have noticed that it seems to be a trend among a lot of other members as well.

Oftentimes in a thread, someone will post their thoughts or their reply, and instead of responding to the OP, another user will respond to that member in a critical way instead. I see it often in threads where the OP asks for advice or thoughts from the other members. Someone will share a piece of advice and then another member will come along and criticize them, which starts a heated rabbit trail and leaves the OP with little to no help and a bunch of bickering people lol.

I am public enemy #1 when it comes to this, so this is not me calling out other members. It is something that I am working on personally as well. But this is a suggestion for all of us to interact with each other in a way that is respectful and allows everyone to participate meaningfully:
In a thread, respond to the OP with your thoughts or advice. Do not criticize another person's thoughts or advice. Simply share your own based on your own wisdom and experience and then move forward, regardless of how bad the advice is. If you are truly worried that someone will be led astray by poor advice, message them about it directly rather than starting a public debate. If you want to respond to someone other than the OP with encouragement or to further discussion, that is one thing, but jumping on them for what they said makes for a not-so-fun place to interact. Everyone should be able to share their thoughts/feelings without being ridiculed.
The one exception I would make is if someone is being blatantly rude or unkind. But even then I think we have to watch how far we go as it doesn't take much to derail a thread.

If you think I made this thread passive aggressively about you, the truth is that I didn't. We have all done this at one point or another. But if you think that, it probably means you are one of the culprits lol. And I hope you take this to heart. Let's all be a little bit more respectful of each other.

The only real issue I have is with one person on here, and it's only when this person responds in their usual rude, tactless, insensitive, and oftentimes incoherent sounding manner.

Anyhoo, I think it's a good plan, I just don't know how realistic it is. I will say, I don't think it's unrealistic to ask and expect members to, when responding for the first time to a new thread, direct that first post towards the OP instead of immediately jumping into a thread and criticising someone else's contribution to the discussion.

And again, old advice but still good advice is, there is an option to Block/Ignore certain members. For the sake of harmony, use it if you must.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I think the biggest problem is when the group of 7-8 members who think they run the forum have one of their members posts disagreed with and they swarm in to defend that person as if people on here aren't grown and can't handle situations themselves. Theres a group here who feel the need to defend each other, especially a group of men who see a woman in a disagreement with a man and immediately jump in to save the woman and it happens every day on here. Thats the problem with this forum.

 

[Paulie079]

I should clarify that I did not mean that no one was allowed to disagree with others. I think there should always be a place for discussion and that people should not view another person disagreeing with them as a personal attack. This is the kind of scenario I was talking about with this thread:

Person A makes a thread asking for people's thoughts on German polka history.
Person B shares their thoughts about German polka history.
Person C, rather than sharing their own thoughts, quotes Person B's post and criticizes what they have to say.
Person B responds defensively to the criticism.
Person D jumps in to either to attack or defend Person B.
Thread derails, people are fighting, and there is no productive discussion.

It happens pretty frequently actually, and like I said, I have been the worst offender.

This is no attempt to control anyone, nor is it about righteousness or political correctness. I am obviously not a mod and don't have the ability to control or manipulate anyone's behavior. I have just noticed that the general feelings about the Singles forum are that it is much more enjoyable for the majority when everyone is getting along and things are relatively harmonious, and I think this is one of the primary threats to that harmony. Obviously there will still be heated discussions and arguments at times. I just think this would create an environment where people can interact freely and people aren't always in either offensive or defensive mode.

But hey, I might just be an idealist.

 

[Paulie079]

My internet forum experience has been almost exclusively firearms forums. I have been on one site for nearly 20 years with over 30k posts. I have never been banned and only gotten a couple of warnings years ago when things got heated.

Those sites are populated by 98% men, most of which are either veterans, law enforcement, or both. They are also mostly conservative. In fact, there is probably less than half a dozen liberals on a site with over 80k forum members.

So, being used to a site with conservative, manly men for 20 years and being able to converse openly, honestly, and constructively has made this site quite a difficult adjustment.

Most people on the sites I'm used to have lived life. They have served in the military, they have bought homes, they have built businesses. They have raised kids, been married a couple of times and have been there and done that.

If they think what you said or did was dumb, they will tell you. They don't care about your feelings or getting a warning. They care about being honest and truthful and preventing you from making another dumb decision and harming yourself or others around you.

Of course there are a bunch of jerks and blow-hards mixed in with that group who just enjoy insulting and tearing others down. They get reprimanded pretty quickly. There are a surprisingly high number of atheists and non-believers among conservatives now. That has changed dramatically since I first joined conservative gun sites; more and more conservatives are turning from God.

Which is why I sought out this site. I wanted to talk about life and hobbies and faith with other Believers.

I didn't anticipate an atmosphere of not saying anything when observing some pretty horrifically unhealthy and stupid behavior and thought processes.

Christians today are facing some real enemies that want to not only ban us from worshiping Christ, but want to take our lives and the lives of our families. Many here seem unwilling to face that reality and in fact actually support those individuals and belief systems that hate God and Christ.

That has been the hardest thing for me to accept here. To see Believers so willing to support and defend Satan and his followers has been mind-blowing.

But anyway, yeah, I'll try and keep my mouth shut and not offend anyone here anymore...

I can definitely see how going from a site like you described to CF would be a bit of a "culture shock" in a sense. And as a fellow man, I think when it's just a bunch of guys chatting that is much more the nature of how things are. I get dinner with another single guy from church every week, and we will bicker about things on a regular basis lol. We have no problem disagreeing on things and being honest with each other. But when you have interaction between men and women from different walks of life and a greater variance of political/social viewpoints, the dynamic is going to be a lot different.

Also, I did not suggest that people not say anything. What I said was that rather than jumping down another person's throat, it would be more constructive to just share your own thoughts on the matter and most definitely let them be in direct opposition to what other people have said.

I personally have not had any experience with people who are trying to ban me from worshiping Christ or threaten me. That hasn't been part of my reality that I have needed to face. And I know a lot of believers across the county who have not expressed this being a part of their reality either, so I am not entirely sure how that applies to this discussion, but I am open to hearing your explanation.

By the way, you have never seemed like someone who was unreasonable or offensive in the thoughts that you have offered on various topics. I would caution against labeling people you disagree with as being supporters/defenders of Satan, but my intention was not that anyone would 'keep their mouth shut.' In fact, I encouraged people to share their thoughts, but to share their thoughts rather than jumping down other people's throats.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I think adults should be able to have discussions even if they are on opposite sides without it becoming nasty and someone ending up getting hurt. There is probably one member I can think of who really crosses the line in a lot of threads, but for the most part people seem to be able to agree to disagree.

 

[leothelioness]

And again, old advice but still good advice is, there is an option to Block/Ignore certain members. For the sake of harmony, use it if you must.

I have had to use the ignore function more in the past year than I have in my entire almost 12 years of posting here.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I have had to use the ignore function more in the past year than I have in my entire almost 12 years of posting here.

Unfortunate. But yeah, in all my years being a part of Singles I've never actually felt the need to Ignore someone until now. Oh well. 'Twas a good run while it lasted I guess.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

Okay. So...

Observation #1: I keep reading the thread title 'Sake' as...

Observation #2: Do Germans actually do the polka? Like, I don't even know.

 

[RayofSun]

I have had to use the ignore function more in the past year than I have in my entire almost 12 years of posting here.

It blows me away. I have been here for years and even when users would annoy me, it wasn't to the level of needing to "ignore" them.
That has changed as of this year and my CF experience has become much more pleasant.

Observation #2: Do Germans actually do the polka? Like, I don't even know.

My mom and her family are German and they get down to a good polka. The again my mom did cultural dance in competitions... but still I think you'd find a few polka peeps in Germany.

 

[Servant68]

I personally have not had any experience with people who are trying to ban me from worshiping Christ or threaten me. That hasn't been part of my reality that I have needed to face. And I know a lot of believers across the county who have not expressed this being a part of their reality either, so I am not entirely sure how that applies to this discussion, but I am open to hearing your explanation.

I was referencing other forums on this site that involve political discussions and was not referencing the Singles forum in any way.

Not too much in the Singles forum causes me any consternation, other than the lack of females over 30...

 

[CodyFaith]

Maybe the ignore button is best. I'm guilty of what's being said for sure.

Not worth the effort, especially around Christmas.

 

[leothelioness]

It blows me away. I have been here for years and even when users would annoy me, it wasn't to the level of needing to "ignore" them.
That has changed as of this year and my CF experience has become much more pleasant.

Yep, it has been far more pleasant for me as well. It didn't used to be this bad a long time ago.

 

[leothelioness]

Unfortunate. But yeah, in all my years being a part of Singles I've never actually felt the need to Ignore someone until now. Oh well. 'Twas a good run while it lasted I guess.

Yeah, I don't know why it's so bad now. It didn't used to be to this level.

 

[High Fidelity]

I'm honestly far too tired to read all of that, but I am pretty sure I'd agree