A suggestion for all churches/parishes

[tampasteve]

It is no secret that over the last 25 years I have journeyed between a few denominations and different churches. Sometimes I had to change due to moving, other times due to changing beliefs. These are all churches that I was a dues paying member at, some pretty involved in on different groups, sometimes being a weekly (or more) attending member for several years or longer.

Out of the 7 churches that I was a member at during that time exactly 0 reached out when I stopped attending or donating. No phone calls, no letters, not even an email to check in. I am not saying that these actions would have brought me back, but at bare minimum churches really ought to reach out in some way to see if members are OK, or at least to see if they should be removed from the membership rolls. There was a time in my life that I was really struggling with faith, a simple hand and reaching out would have gone a very long way.

So churches, task someone at your organization with reaching out in some way, even an email, to members that have not been to church in a few weeks or a month.

 

[The Liturgist]

It is no secret that over the last 25 years I have journeyed between a few denominations and different churches. Sometimes I had to change due to moving, other times due to changing beliefs. These are all churches that I was a dues paying member at, some pretty involved in on different groups, sometimes being a weekly (or more) attending member for several years or longer.

Out of the 7 churches that I was a member at during that time exactly 0 reached out when I stopped attending or donating. No phone calls, no letters, not even an email to check in. I am not saying that these actions would have brought me back, but at bare minimum churches really ought to reach out in some way to see if members are OK, or at least to see if they should be removed from the membership rolls. There was a time in my life that I was really struggling with faith, a simple hand and reaching out would have gone a very long way.

So churches, task someone at your organization with reaching out in some way, even an email, to members that have not been to church in a few weeks or a month.

It should be noted furthermore that false religions we don’t want people joining like Scientology do follow up with people. In fact its rumored that once you get on their mailing list, you can’t get off. Obviously I am not suggesting we adapt their tactics but rather agreeing with @tampasteve and @Paidiske that following up with people in a low key, friendly family sort of way is a good idea. But this can also be overdone, and I know of a case study I can expound on regarding a liturgical church whose leader inadvertantly overdid this just slightly.

 

[tampasteve]

It should be noted furthermore that false religions we don’t want people joining like Scientology do follow up with people. In fact its rumored that once you get on their mailing list, you can’t get off. Obviously I am not suggesting we adapt their tactics but rather agreeing with @tampasteve and @Paidiske that following up with people in a low key, friendly family sort of way is a good idea. But this can also be overdone, and I know of a case study I can expound on regarding a liturgical church whose leader inadvertantly overdid this just slightly.

Yeah, it can certainly be over done or abused. I would say a contact at 1 month, 6 months, 11 months, then remove from the rolls. I think something as simple as an email or text would be fine and un-obtrusive. If they responded back then great, if not that's OK. But just letting people go without any contact is remiss.

 

[LesSme]

I agree with you OP and believe Scripture does as well. The shepherds aka pastors should pursue the sheep.

 

[lismore]

So churches, task someone at your organization with reaching out in some way, even an email, to members that have not been to church in a few weeks or a month.

That's a good idea! When I left Assemblies of God in 2007 it was quite a small church, no-one got in touch. The church I'm in now, is larger, they try to follow up on people who have been missing. Sometimes it can be a challenge to keep track of everyone but you're right, believers are family and should care for one another.

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I attended a church that had a weekly "communication card." It was one of those multipurpose cards that could be used to give the church your information, indicate a response to the sermon, ask for a prayer, etc. We were encouraged to fill them out and then leave them in a box at the back or a church. While I see nothing wrong with that, I never filled them out. If I had a prayer request I would but otherwise felt no need. When I first stopped filling them out, after 3 Sundays, I received a letter in the mail asking me if everything was ok and that they had "missed me at church." I doubt they missed me as it was a big church and I wasn't particularly well known. It was only the fact that I did not turn in a card for three consecutive weeks that I was "missed."

The options they gave me in response did not include an "other" choice and I really did not want to get labeled a troublemaker by responding that I felt no need to turn in a card each week. I didn't respond and never got another letter. I was not a member of the church although at that church being a member was not something that was emphasized. Attending without membership had little impact on your experience at the church. I admit that without the cards it would have been impossible for a large church to know if anyone was missing. My not turning in a card was my way of saying I did not want to be tracked. Some Sundays I listened to the sermon online so was present in a sense but not physically present to turn in a card.

 

[throughfiierytrial]

It is no secret that over the last 25 years I have journeyed between a few denominations and different churches. Sometimes I had to change due to moving, other times due to changing beliefs. These are all churches that I was a dues paying member at, some pretty involved in on different groups, sometimes being a weekly (or more) attending member for several years or longer.

Out of the 7 churches that I was a member at during that time exactly 0 reached out when I stopped attending or donating. No phone calls, no letters, not even an email to check in. I am not saying that these actions would have brought me back, but at bare minimum churches really ought to reach out in some way to see if members are OK, or at least to see if they should be removed from the membership rolls. There was a time in my life that I was really struggling with faith, a simple hand and reaching out would have gone a very long way.

So churches, task someone at your organization with reaching out in some way, even an email, to members that have not been to church in a few weeks or a month.

I very much agree and am in fact shocked to hear of your experience. The practice of my denomination...WELS Lutheran (a conservative Lutheran denomination) we either pass mem

 

[throughfiierytrial]

(my post was interrupted...I'll continue here).
We either change the individual's That's the end of the matter...it's left to the excommunicated member. Generally it would be a year or even longer before a decision is reached to take the individual off the rolls... membership to their new church and announce it to the congregation via the bulletin or after attempting contact with no positive response we excommunicate members with a letter urging them to return to the Truth.

 

[throughfiierytrial]

(my post was interrupted...I'll continue here).
We either change the individual's That's the end of the matter...it's left to the excommunicated member. Generally it would be a year or even longer before a decision is reached to take the individual off the rolls... membership to their new church and announce it to the congregation via the bulletin or after attempting contact with no positive response we excommunicate members with a letter urging them to return to the Truth.

That message of mine is garbled I see...do to my messenger interrupting me.
Suffice it to say you should have, in my view, been pursued and asked for explanation. One should have a dialogue over conflicting doctrinal views before parting ways. Where's the concern for the soul otherwise??

 

[linux.poet]

As far as I know, my main church will do this for members who disappear, or they say that they will do it on paper. What you're supposed to do is tell the elders that you're leaving if you're leaving the church and the reason for leaving. This is supposed to be announced to the whole church.

However, there seems to be some favoritism in how this is applied. For example, when my parents followed procedure, their announcement that they were leaving was never done by the elders. I still have people from that church asking me about my mom almost every Sunday. She was well-liked. My dad, not so much. He never really helped out with any ministries and pretty much was the Invisible Man - except to talk about his work or complain about me, that is.

Basically, at that church, if you do work in ministry and cozy up to the pastor, you're on the "in group" and get special treatment, and all the less capable sheep who suffer from mental illness or don't do enough ministry work to be famous get ghosted.

My second church, the one me and my boyfriend go to, has actually done this, but it takes them a few weeks to do it. Though they usually tell my boyfriend to tell me that I was missed. That's also common practice around here: if you miss a Bible study for an unannounced reason, leaders of the study will walk up to you and ask what happened.

So if you want this treatment, move to California, I guess.

 

[tampasteve]

As far as I know, my main church will do this for members who disappear, or they say that they will do it on paper. What you're supposed to do is tell the elders that you're leaving if you're leaving the church and the reason for leaving. This is supposed to be announced to the whole church.

However, there seems to be some favoritism in how this is applied. For example, when my parents followed procedure, their announcement that they were leaving was never done by the elders. I still have people from that church asking me about my mom almost every Sunday. She was well-liked. My dad, not so much. He never really helped out with any ministries and pretty much was the Invisible Man - except to talk about his work or complain about me, that is.

Basically, at that church, if you do work in ministry and cozy up to the pastor, you're on the "in group" and get special treatment, and all the less capable sheep who suffer from mental illness or don't do enough ministry work to be famous get ghosted.

My second church, the one me and my boyfriend go to, has actually done this, but it takes them a few weeks to do it. Though they usually tell my boyfriend to tell me that I was missed. That's also common practice around here: if you miss a Bible study for an unannounced reason, leaders of the study will walk up to you and ask what happened.

So if you want this treatment, move to California, I guess.

What would happen if you did not follow the "procedure"? I have never been to a church where they had a set procedure to leave, you just left. You could of course decide to let someone know I guess, but they would not be making an announcement out of it.

 

[linux.poet]

What would happen if you did not follow the "procedure"?

My understanding is that the pastor will be emailing you and calling your phone number on file in a few weeks of absence to find out what is going on. If you're no longer on the church membership list, it affects your status in the church computer system, so they want to know. The pastor may also spiritually rebuke you for vanishing without a trace.

When my parents left, they contacted me to ask what to do with my parents' membership profile. We degraded them from "member" to "regular attender" status in the system, because they still go that church when they visit us, and my mom still wants to receive the prayer request emails from them.

 

[tampasteve]

My understanding is that the pastor will be emailing you and calling your phone number on file in a few weeks of absence to find out what is going on. If you're no longer on the church membership list, it affects your status in the church computer system, so they want to know. The pastor may also spiritually rebuke you for vanishing without a trace.

When my parents left, they contacted me to ask what to do with my parents' membership profile. We degraded them from "member" to "regular attender" status in the system, because they still go that church when they visit us, and my mom still wants to receive the prayer request emails from them.

Interesting, the ELCA church I was a member at just removed people from the rolls if they did not attend in a year or if they had not tithed in a year. You did not have to tithe, but they did request that you sign the membership attendance sheet weekly.

A call and/or email is great.

The pastor may also spiritually rebuke you for vanishing without a trace.

Honestly that is pretty off putting, it seems a bit harsh to "spiritually rebuke" someone for this. People leave for all sorts of reasons, I could definitely see people leaving without letting someone know if they didn't want to be publicly announced as you previously mentioned.

 

[linux.poet]

Honestly that is pretty off putting, it seems a bit harsh to "spiritually rebuke" someone for this. People leave for all sorts of reasons, I could definitely see people leaving without letting someone know if they didn't want to be publicly announced as you previously mentioned.

The idea is more this passage of Scripture:

23 Let’s hold firmly to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; 24 and let’s consider how to encourage one another in love and good deeds, 25 not abandoning our own meeting together, as is the habit of some people, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

They make an inquiry first to find out why you left. If you left to move out of state or join another church, they will let you go. But if you leave because you were engrossed in World of Warcraft and couldn't pull yourself away for 2 hours to attend church, they will rebuke you for your misdeeds.

 

[tampasteve]

The idea is more this passage of Scripture:



They make an inquiry first to find out why you left. If you left to move out of state or join another church, they will let you go. But if you leave because you were engrossed in World of Warcraft and couldn't pull yourself away for 2 hours to attend church, they will rebuke you for your misdeeds.

Ah, ok, thanks for clearing that up, that is fair enough then. I have only ever left a church to join another for various reasons.

 

[Shane R]

I read a book called Exit Interviews sometime back. It's 90s material but the central point was that a church leadership team could learn a lot about how their church is really perceived if they took the time to listen to people who have left. Not get defensive and argumentative, but listen. I make a point to attempt this but more often than not the departed person or family does not care to discuss it. They'll leave their complaints on a Google review though!

 

[Bobber]

Out of the 7 churches that I was a member at during that time exactly 0 reached out when I stopped attending or donating. No phone calls, no letters, not even an email to check in.

Yeah. Not too good. I think there's a lot of different dynamics that can be going on to. Some might feel by contacting you they might be putting pressure on someone who might like to just leave. I agree though.....one should be contacted. Other possibilities too. Some might leave in the summer months and it's always thought well they probably went away on holidays......and

then there's the Christmas season in so many churches people are taking time off....not that they should for too long of time but they do. Then after a few months go by people begin to remember and wonder what ever did happen to so and so. I thought they had just gone away but here it is................oh well.....I guess they just decided to go to another church. They might even feel they're bothering you by the call.

 

[Bobber]

I make a point to attempt this but more often than not the departed person or family does not care to discuss it.

Very true. I said something similar in my post as well. And other church members might miss that person but feel they'd be bothering them by calling them. It is a strange way of thinking but I do think this can tend to go on in all of our minds.

 

[Bobber]

That's also common practice around here: if you miss a Bible study for an unannounced reason, leaders of the study will walk up to you and ask what happened.

That wouldn't bother me but it would all depend on what they're purpose for doing so is. If they said hey we missed you at the meeting the other day, when you were always accustomed to attend.....that can be an act of caring. If it's rather trying to play a heavy on you that you have to give account to me.....well of course that's out of line.

 

[Bobber]

But just letting people go without any contact is remiss.

You make some good points. Perhaps if you go to another chruch you can be on a committee which seeks to oversee this area. To do this thing right you do need it set up and be overseen by some.

I don't mean this as don't complain and be a part of the solution but fact is sometimes if one does have a passion for a certain thing it could be a ministry for them they maybe should consider doing. You goal could be not to see others experience the same thing you did, and you're perfecting this weakness in the body.