Hey everyone.
I haven't been here in a long time. I haven't been "here" in a long time.
Let me explain.
I used to use this nickname a while ago on this website. I guess it was a year or two... not that long, but still, more time than I can remember. I was a very devoted Christian, was even thinking about joining a monastery or becoming a preacher.
But to preface that, I had been an atheist for the first 15 years of my life. I live in an atheist house and was never encouraged to read the Bible. My father is a professor and has always given me a very literal, sometimes cynical account of religion and the world--though he always said that he believed what mattered most was to be a good person, which I still believe.
Well, one day I (almost out of the blue) decided to read the Bible. I suppose I was just curious. I started on Genesis, then went to Exodus, then Psalms. It was interesting but I was still taking it as history.
It wasn't until I decided to read the Gospel of Matthew from the New Testament that the words began to come off the page and into my life. The words of Jesus Christ, written down some 2,000 years ago, seemed to still apply quite strongly to the multifaceted dance of life, and I was amazed at this.
All my life I had carried a strong sense of duty and morality. I always felt that someone was watching me, and for the first time, I felt like I knew who. I gave myself to God entirely, and the joy I felt was unlike any other I've known before. I read everything I could find on Christianity and Jesus Christ.
Well, after a while, my questioning, rational mind started to pick at little things I had problems with. For instance, I began to doubt heaven as hell as actual places--they became (and remain) states of being in my mind. I started to wonder why the entire world wasn't Christian, so I started looking into other religions.
I've now studied Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, ancient Greek, Egyptian, and Norse religions, Islam, Sant Mat, Sihkism... the list goes on. I found myself running from belief to belief trying to find which one was the most suitable for me.
But in all of them, I would find a good portion of truth, but still something that felt wrong. None of them felt as "right" as Christianity had, even if they seemed more sensible upon certain subjects at times.
For the last year or so, I don't even know what I've been. I've been slipping away from God and from my sense of morality; I've come to lying and using anger to fuel my actions. But recently (again out of the blue), I've strived for and achieved a change.
I've shifted the focus of my life to what I feel will flourish with peace and the love of God. And in this shift I find myself pining for the simple worship I engaged in every moment I was a practicing Christian.
But I've seen so much of the world and its beliefs now, and I know in my heart I can't come to believe that Christianity is the only right religion. I found so many connecting strands, so many paths leading to the same monotheistic worship. I can only hope God understands, that I was only worshipping him in different ways.
I want God and Jesus in my life again, I need them to make me whole. I am tired of living in the raging shadow of a certain tragedy in my life which I don't care to elaborate on.
I want to know, am I acceptable? I have cursed the name of Christ and even delved, somewhat, into Satanism and the basis of ideas behind necromancy. I can't take this darkness anymore. I want peace, strength, and a simple life.
I know I will never been as feverishly devoted as I was in my younger, more naive days, but now that I know what else there is, I can see that truly, Christianity is where I belong. It is what saturates my culture and my first taste of God.
I suppose in the end I am only asking for help from my fellow Christians. Might the stray sheep return to the flock?
I haven't been here in a long time. I haven't been "here" in a long time.
Let me explain.
I used to use this nickname a while ago on this website. I guess it was a year or two... not that long, but still, more time than I can remember. I was a very devoted Christian, was even thinking about joining a monastery or becoming a preacher.
But to preface that, I had been an atheist for the first 15 years of my life. I live in an atheist house and was never encouraged to read the Bible. My father is a professor and has always given me a very literal, sometimes cynical account of religion and the world--though he always said that he believed what mattered most was to be a good person, which I still believe.
Well, one day I (almost out of the blue) decided to read the Bible. I suppose I was just curious. I started on Genesis, then went to Exodus, then Psalms. It was interesting but I was still taking it as history.
It wasn't until I decided to read the Gospel of Matthew from the New Testament that the words began to come off the page and into my life. The words of Jesus Christ, written down some 2,000 years ago, seemed to still apply quite strongly to the multifaceted dance of life, and I was amazed at this.
All my life I had carried a strong sense of duty and morality. I always felt that someone was watching me, and for the first time, I felt like I knew who. I gave myself to God entirely, and the joy I felt was unlike any other I've known before. I read everything I could find on Christianity and Jesus Christ.
Well, after a while, my questioning, rational mind started to pick at little things I had problems with. For instance, I began to doubt heaven as hell as actual places--they became (and remain) states of being in my mind. I started to wonder why the entire world wasn't Christian, so I started looking into other religions.
I've now studied Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, ancient Greek, Egyptian, and Norse religions, Islam, Sant Mat, Sihkism... the list goes on. I found myself running from belief to belief trying to find which one was the most suitable for me.
But in all of them, I would find a good portion of truth, but still something that felt wrong. None of them felt as "right" as Christianity had, even if they seemed more sensible upon certain subjects at times.
For the last year or so, I don't even know what I've been. I've been slipping away from God and from my sense of morality; I've come to lying and using anger to fuel my actions. But recently (again out of the blue), I've strived for and achieved a change.
I've shifted the focus of my life to what I feel will flourish with peace and the love of God. And in this shift I find myself pining for the simple worship I engaged in every moment I was a practicing Christian.
But I've seen so much of the world and its beliefs now, and I know in my heart I can't come to believe that Christianity is the only right religion. I found so many connecting strands, so many paths leading to the same monotheistic worship. I can only hope God understands, that I was only worshipping him in different ways.
I want God and Jesus in my life again, I need them to make me whole. I am tired of living in the raging shadow of a certain tragedy in my life which I don't care to elaborate on.
I want to know, am I acceptable? I have cursed the name of Christ and even delved, somewhat, into Satanism and the basis of ideas behind necromancy. I can't take this darkness anymore. I want peace, strength, and a simple life.
I know I will never been as feverishly devoted as I was in my younger, more naive days, but now that I know what else there is, I can see that truly, Christianity is where I belong. It is what saturates my culture and my first taste of God.
I suppose in the end I am only asking for help from my fellow Christians. Might the stray sheep return to the flock?
