A Quick Question

[Katie12]

Ok as some of yall know i was raped at 14 had a kid at 15,ok well my sons daddy(his realy da)came by.Andrew(my son)saw him and said "mommy who is that man?".Im still trying to figure what to say,i mean hes only 5,is he going to understand oh thats my rapest and your a result of that.Or im i suppost to tell him thats a sales man or somthing?Just wondering what yall think.





Blessed be,
Katie

 

[Yasha]

That's a very tough one.

Unless you are reconciled with this man and have created a relationship since then, I say, "Daddy hurt Mommy very badly and we can't see him anymore." is enough for now. That's just my gut talking. Have you ever asked this of anyone else who is in similar circumstances?

I know my sister's oldest, my godson, is not the child of the man he believes to be his father. I think that he should have been made aware of this at a young age. My sister thinks differently and has never told him the truth. He is 28 now, with two children of his own from different mothers. If he ever finds out that we all lied to him we will deserve what we get i suppose. I always wanted to tell him, but have respected my sister's wishes. One day this could backfire and we will all have hell to pay.

In light of that note, I believe that there may be a proper time in the future to tell your son the truth when he can grasp it. For now, I would stick with things like above, that are true, but do no try to reveal more than he can handle too soon. Lying will haunt you both one day. I believe everyone has a right to their truths as they get older. That's just me, though.

On the opposite note, I have a friend who is an adopte child of a pastor's family. She is one of nine adopted children. All know they are adopted, none know their true parents, unless they pursue that information on their own. Some have chosen to and been greatly pleased with the people they find. Some chose to and are horribly disappointed. My friend has decided never to pursue her real parent's identities. She says she is afraid of who she will find. The point is, she was raised with the truth. The pastor's family chose to make that truth partial. the pursuit of further understanding is up to the now adult children.

Maybe one of those stories helps a little. I don't know. God Bless you as you hope to do right by your son. amen

 

[Pilgrim1951]

I don't believe it is ever a good thing to lie to children. That being said, it is also important to use wisdom (the Word of God says if we ask for wisdom, God will give it to us). The child's age and personality and level of maturity need to be taken into consideration as well. Sometimes we have a tendency to give too much information because we misunderstand the child's question. A simple answer many times will suffice, and if it isn't enough information for the child, he/she will probably ask another question. In this case with your 5 year old son, I would probably start out with, "He is a man who Mommy used to know." This is the truth, but doesn't go into the entire scenario. If he needs to know more, he will ask.

I hope this helps a little.

 

[Yasha]

We basically said the same thing, me and Pilgrim1951, but I kind of lost sight of your actual question. My answer more addresses the questions of "Where is my Daddy?" or "Why don't I ever see my Daddy?"

As your son may be picking up on tensions he perceives in you when you do run across your rapist/his father....some explanation like Pilgrim1951's might be necessary.

Less is more, as long as you stear clear of lying. I agree on that, too.

 

[Katie12]

Ok ive tried what yall,said now hes asking the other questions,basically the 20 questions game,but hes like how did he hurt you and why does that mean i cant see him,thanks guys,ill find somthing.





Blessed be to yall,
Katie

 

[Yasha]

You don't have to explain. You are his Mom and protecting him and yourself is all he needs to know, right now. When he is older and does learn the truth he will remember your honesty and your protection of him from harsh facts.

This is NOT going to be an easy truth for him to learn, even when he is older. Little bits of the story through many years, as he grows, will prepare him with mercy to hear the harshness that is true of his only father.

Being a Mom is never easy. Remembering that you are raising a furture adult, groundng yourself with that barometer for respect, will help you make the choices.

I agree that he is too young for all this now. Protect him by not giving him more information than you have to, as we both said. Jesus is on your side, too. He also KNOWS that this is ahead of your son. The pain is partly behind you, and can give you sensitivity toward his precious little heart. Let it bear that fruit.

Blessings, Sha

 

[Katie12]

Yes i get it,i just told him it was hard for mommy to explain and he just hurt mommy in a bad way.Hes still asking questions but i will wait until hes older to tell him anything much differnt,yes i know the facts will be really hard for him to understand.Thanks for yalls help 's to all.




Blessed be,
Katie

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Katie, I greatly admire your willingness and maturity in dealing with all that has happened to you in your young life. I'll be praying for you that the Lord give you wisdom for answering Andrew's questions and healing for your wounded spirit.



God bless you sister,
Pilgrim

 

[Linnis]

Why is your Rapist coming around? I ask because is your safety an issue? Is the safety of your child a question? If he raped once, what makes you feel safe enough that he's coming around?

I don't know if he's old enough to understand all that. He's still too young to understand how babies are mad etc.


Are you going to allow this rapist to see his child? Wow, that worries me a lot. I'll pray you take special care and that you stay safe from that man.

 

[Katie12]

No,no no,i didnt expect him to come around he knows it confuses andrew to much,but he showed up and before i could close the door.I wouldnt want andrew or kat to see him,im not that crazy.Andrews kinda stoped though ,thought yall should know,but i didnt know he was going to come by,he knows hes not suppost to but i would never let him,he doesnt have a right to come and doesnt have a reason,so no i wouldnt want him to,just to make that clear. hope ya get it now. 's.




Blessed be,
Katie