A question to all husbands - please help!

[draugr]

Dear husbands,

I am struggling with a decision to make and I thought maybe if you could share your experience that might be helpful. Here's the story:

I am 33 years old and I am thinking of starting dating and then maybe marrying a girl I know. We like each other and there is a good intellectual and spiritual connection between us. However, I have a "physical" dilemma. As I decided to wait with having sex till marriage (and so far managed to), I am very excited by the fact that when I marry, I could finally start my sexual life and I am really looking forward to the pleasures it offers. Though I sticked to Christian life since my childhood, having grown up in a world that made sexual activity a god, I kind of soaked up with all this sexual hype. And thus I have really big expectations, perhaps too big... So here's my dilemma: the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body. Men are known to stay sexually fit at least till their 50-60's and so I am afraid that after a few years I would not find her physically attractive and it will be difficult for me to have sex with her. I am just worrying, that I end up as a frustrated husband which wouldn’t be good for her and for me.

So my questions to all you husbands are: how important for you, men, is sex in marriage? Is it of key importance? Has it the ‘power’ to outweigh the other aspects of marriage? What is your experience? Maybe I am just exaggerating the importance of it and/or having too big expectations?

I know all this may seem funny for you, but for me it's important, before I make a decision to start serious dating. Otherwise maybe I'll just look for a younger wife...

I would appreciate honest replies.
Thank you.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

It could very well be that your future wife will have a higher sex dive, especially in the 30-40 range. Partly because for many women the emotional bond drives desire as much as physical.

Regarding your question, it's hard to say how important. That is something that varies by individual and is something you probably will not know about yourself until a few months later.

That said, a lack of sex (work schedules, injuries, etc) can also be stressful too. But a marriage is more than just sex.

Lastly, if you do actually love her I wouldn't worry too much about looks later on. The emotional bonds make it a non issue. The best way I can explain it is that you will notice other women are cute but you will not have much interest in them. If that makes any sense.

 

[Hotinco]

HerCrazierHalf made all the good point. Most women (not all but most) have a much higher sex drive in their 30's & 40's - Most mens sex drive drops off after their 20's - So who know she could have a higher drive then you....

Marriage is SO much more than sex. The physical act of sex is pleasurable - yes, but it is also a manifestation of your love. I would be more worried about your compatibility from a personality stand point then a sexual one. Looks are also not an important factor, sure that maybe what attracted us to a person to begin with but it certainly not a reason to get married or not get married. If that were the case most of us men would be in trouble, most men gain weight after marriage.

Good luck it is a wonderful journey and life is so much more enjoyable with a partner to journey with.

 

[Dave-W]

If/when you get serious about wanting to marry her (or someone else) then you NEED to find a good christian counselor for pre-marital couples counseling. IF the counselor is worth their salt, they will delve deeply into these areas and give you the necessary tools to be able to connect on more than just a sexual level.

 

[Neostarwcc]

First of all, I'd like to say Kudos for being able to wait that long to have sex, I didn't nor did anyone else I know really. So, to resist that temptation is... impressive. At least I waited until I was engaged.

I wouldn't be worried about sex at this point, especially when you've never had it before. The scenario that you mentioned is extremely unlikely to happen. Sex is about love, not looks. If you two love each other then, your sex will be fine. All of us lose our looks over time, I don't care if you're the most attractive person on the planet, eventually you will lose your looks so, don't worry about that.

Looks definitely do not matter in a marriage. I did not marry my wife for looks, and she definitely didn't marry me for looks (I'm below average in the looks department.) What matters in a marriage is compatibility, communication, and most of all love.

As for sex being important, I'd say it is. Is it everything in a marriage? No, not really. But, I know that if my wife and I stopped having sex with my wife I would probably feel unloved and unappreciated. It would definitely be an issue worth bringing up and discussing as husband and wife.

So, if both of you love each other, are dedicated to each other in the long haul (Because, your marriage is going to have a LOT of problems. All marriages do. What's important is to have the drive to keep moving forward despite the problems.), and if you want to spend the rest of your lives together, I say go for it. Good luck.

 

[kmrichard7]

Im a woman and as such i guess it is obvious i would find your post offensive to women in general. I understand you have a real concern. A delima of sorts. But your ideas are exactly of this world and not of God.
What happens when this "younger" woman ages? There is no escaping aging. Its up to you to MAKE your wife your standard of beauty. Its up to YOU to find something you adore about your spouse every day instead of finding worries further down the road.
If looks were as big of a deal as you are making them to be, not one attractive person would be able to maintain a marriage. You have a very superficial idea of love.
Pray, read the bible, love as God loves, not the world.
The world will love you only until it is through using you and ready to trade you in for new and better. God says through Him you are good enough for eternal love.
Love like God, not like the world.

 

[Locum7]

Ok, firstly, chill, at the end of the day, you may change yourself, physically, so be careful. How woupd you feel if your body changed? how would you feel if she was asking the same questions? We all change, and we can never how or when that could happen. The question you need to ask.is do you love who she is? Its who she is and who you are that will make or break your marriage. But i would suggest remove all thoughts about what you learn about sex drives and ages. Sex becomes more a relational act than just sexual, expectations are one of the biggest challenges to Christian couples who have waited. Dont have expectations, just love each other, keep communicating and go with the flow.

 

[Murby]

Let me first say I'm not the least bit religious so my advice may not apply to you.. But I'll chime in anyhow.

Remember, this is my perspective so don't get offended...
If you two don't have a very strong intellectual interest then you marriage is bound to be either agonizingly mundane or end up in divorce. All the "god" in the world won't make either of you happy. It really is that simple.

You can marry the most beautiful woman on the planet but if she can't hold her end of a good conversation then you're going to get really bored of her..

On the other hand, you can marry a geeky looking weirdo, but if she's an intellectual monster you'll stay with her forever and you'll be quite happy.

There's no upper limits to acceptable beauty, but there are lower limits to acceptable attractiveness. If you marry a woman who is extremely ugly or unattractive, all the intellectual stimulation won't make up for it.. Pretty much what this means is that on a scale of 1 (ugly) to 10 (really hot), anything above a 3 is going to make you a happy person so long as she can hold a conversation.

And when I say conversation, it means she can talk about something more than herself or your relationship with her or what's for dinner. Just because a woman can talk about relationships or movies does not make her intelligent. A woman should have a good understanding of world politics, science, art, culture, history etc etc.. and she should be able to discuss these things as they happen in the media. If she can't, I would get bored quick.

Sex is not that big of a deal.. some folks think it is, and that's fine.. but I don't.. Absolutely any normal human being can have sex with any other human, even animals do it repeatedly.. so how special could it be? When folks make it out to be something super special like that, it seems disappointing to others and when it comes crashing down. Oh sure, the first few times you have it are great, like anything else, its new and exciting.. But once you've had sex 50 or 100 times, its not that big of a deal anymore. Its loads of fun.. a lot of fun.. but then so are roller coasters and race cars... Sex is a normal biological human activity like eating, breathing and walking..

So you're worried she's not going to be as good looking in a few years eh? If that's really a consideration than you might want to find someone who you have an intellectual connection with that is so strong you don't even think about what she might look like in a few years.

One of the reasons the divorce rate is so high in the USA is because women are taught and trained to be pretty before smart.. From barbie dolls to artificial enhancements like makeup and jewelry, girls are taught from an early age that their appearance is important for men.. and that first lesson is what they carry with them.

Men, on the other hand, tend to be biologically programmed (or at least it seems that way), to go after the best looking girl with the brightest plumage. They're too stupid to realize that plumage is "all show and no go" on a long term basis. The hot chick is fine for a short term relationship. but not the least bit important for anything long term.

Good luck,

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well sex all depends on the person. Everyone is different. I'd say when your in your honeymoon phase (first year or so) often sex is all the time (at least for alot of people). But after that for some it becomes less often. Sex is important on many levels, its bonding. BUT... marriage as said is more then just sex. When I married sex was on my mind all the time. Now its not as much. Once life starts kicking in as a couple and you get into things like bills to pay, having a child...etc your mind tends to focus on other things first. It all will depend on the two of you. As for the age and looks depends on why your marrying. For looks or for heart. Because we all age and will look different when older, wrinkles, sags...etc. Also its better to marry someone around your own age. To old and they may have differing views since they were born long before you. And to young and they still be a bit immature (just as young men can be sometimes).

 

[Thunder Peel]

Sex is a wonderful blessing but it's just one component of a larger picture when it comes to marriage. Just like anything else in a relationship, you and your wife will be learning together and figuring out what works best for you. Some couples have low drives and may be intimate on occasion, whereas others may be be having sex several times a week. There's no right or wrong answer as long as the two of you stay on the same page. Individual drives can fluctuate depending on weather, health, stress and emotions. There's a spiritual component to sex that those who aren't saved can't understand, and it's difficult even for a Christian to describe, but once you're married it will become clearer. There's so much more to it than just the physical.

Bodies change over time but if you truly love your wife you won't be bothered by aging. You'll be aging yourself and she will also need to love you regardless of those changes. It's a hard concept to grasp when you're not in a relationship, but when you find the right person you'll be much less concerned with appearances because you love them for who God created them to be, not what the world says they should be.

Be excited about it because it's a great experience...just remember that it's one aspect and if you become too focused on it you'll lose sight of the other great benefits of marriage.

 

[draugr]

Thank you very much for your replies. I really appreciate it!

 

[akmom]

It doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage. Your one hang-up about dating this girl is that she might age too fast? Really? She's pretty much the same age as you! What if you age too fast?

Women have to worry about men aging too, you know. Men have shorter life expectancies in the first place, so if a woman marries an older man, she's running the risk of getting widowed even sooner. Plus most men start going bald by their 40s, so a younger woman might struggle with being attracted to you in a few years. It's best to stick with your own age group, if you're worried about mutual attraction.

The only practical reason to seek a younger wife is if you want a lot of children. Women have more risks in pregnancy past age 35 and most do not have children in their 40s.

 

[Dave-W]

It doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage. Your one hang-up about dating this girl is that she might age too fast? Really? She's pretty much the same age as you! What if you age too fast?

So what are you suggesting? Go away for 20 years until you grow up and then start looking for a wife?

 

[LinkH]

draugr,

I think everyone is different when it comes to these things you have asked. I'm fortunate. I married my wife when I was 27 and she was 24. When she hit 40, she still was thin and looked good. Now, she doesn't quite look like she did at 24, but she's still beautiful.

I think to some degree, men can be like frogs in boiling water. If you showed me a picture of a 65-year-old woman when I was 21 and asked me if I would find her attractive, I would say 'no.' But I'd imagine plenty of 65-year-old men still sleep with their wives. The thing is, skin ages slowly. If you put a front directly into a pot of boiling water, they say he'll jump all over the place to get away. But put him into a pot of cool water and slowly heat it up, they say he'll just stay there until it boils. Slowly, we get used to how our partners age, as they age. And you'll be sleeping with a woman you know and love who you've been with for years. It will be easy and comfortable, not like trying to get a 21 year old to marry and sleep with a 65-year-old.

What are your alternatives? You could just not get married and stay celibate. That's great if you are so inclined and so gifted. But if you would rather have a sex life, you can marry the woman you are interested in, possibly, and I'd imagine married life, sex, etc. with her would be more fun than celibacy if you are inclined to marry. I suppose a third alternative would be to marry an 18-year-old so that she'd look good longer. But do you really want to do that? If you love a woman enough to think about marrying her, would you really want to get another woman instead?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

As a woman, I find this statement VERY offensive:

So here's my dilemma: the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body.

I married for the first and only time at 34. I was about 60lbs lighter than I am now, almost 20 years later. Does it bother my husband? Nope. My husband has a scar on his body that goes from his breastbone down to his pubic bone. Does it bother me? Nope.

Over time, age and gravity gets us all. If you're so shallow that you're worried about physical attractiveness, I'd have to say that even at the age of 33 you're still way too immature to get into any sort of serious relationship. Your statement is something I'd expect to hear from my teenaged nephews, not a "grown man". Thank God I married a grown man.

 

[akmom]

So what are you suggesting? Go away for 20 years until you grow up and then start looking for a wife?

I suggest he waits until his heart is more suitable for marriage, whether that is one year or 20 years. Not everyone is mature enough for marriage. Just because he is approaching his mid-30s doesn't mean he should rush. Not ready is not ready! The fact that he is even concerned about her impending age (not current age, but future ageing) says volumes about how much he actually cares about her. I mean, who even thinks about those things when you love someone?

 

[Dave-W]

I suggest he waits until his heart is more suitable for marriage, whether that is one year or 20 years. Not everyone is mature enough for marriage. Just because he is approaching his mid-30s doesn't mean he should rush.

My best friend from grade/high school got married for the first time at 55. That means he will never have any children of his own.

Maybe this guy wants children. Getting married in his mid 50s (to someone of a similar age) will not accomplish that.

 

[kmrichard7]

My best friend from grade/high school got married for the first time at 55. That means he will never have any children of his own.

Maybe this guy wants children. Getting married in his mid 50s (to someone of a similar age) will not accomplish that.

A man who teaches his children that beauty is only captured in a short time, that its ok to dismiss someone because they arent 10 years younger. This is domething no child needs to grow up seeing. Id feel bad for any daughter or sons of his.
Being mentally mature for children is even more important than being ready for marriage.

 

[Dave-W]

I am saying that a woman in her mid 50s or 60s will not be able to carry a child.

 

[kmrichard7]

I am saying that a woman in her mid 50s or 60s will not be able to carry a child.

That's very true but perhaps if he hasn't found someone by that time frame God has different plans for him. Adoption agencies will adopt a child out to someone in their 50s or 60s, granted the child will likely be older or have a disability but aren't those the ones who need adoption the most?
People always say I have an answer for everything. Not what I'm trying to do, I just hate hate hate how emphasis is put on age especially when he's concerned about the age of a woman his own age and only in her 30s. Extremely sexist, agist, and does nothing positive for the already weakened image of women. It drives me crazy that as I approach 30 I feel young and confident in my age but society and men like the original poster want to create an image that 30 is old. 30 is perfect. Old enough to be taken seriously but still young. Women are already having enough trouble adapting to age, the last thing we need are people with mindsets like the above.