A poem for my Danny

[c1ners]

I hurt Danny. Oh my gosh, I hurt so bad right now.
I had chocolate cake for your birthday. It was the best chocolate cake I think I've ever had. lol! One more check mark for Greece. Not only was it beauitiful, the people friendly, the food awesome, but they had the best chocolate cake ever.

I finally broke down and told Katrina why I've always wanted to go to Greece. And why I wanted to be there for your birthday. It was one of the things we always dreamed about. It was my birthday present to you. I know you weren't there IRL, but you were there in my heart. And that's all that really matters.

Today is my dad's birthday. I keep remembering back to 21 years ago when you were in Boca Raton and calling me three times a day begging me to please come be with you. I'm sorry I was a bad wife and didn't come until the day after his birthday. I'm sorry for everything actually.

I'm sorry for taking you away from your family and moving us back here to Florida. I'm sorry for taking you to the beach and letting you fall asleep in the sun. I'm sorry for not answering your question about how you get to Heaven, and I'm sorry that I was driving the car that awful day, and wasn't able to save your life.

People tell me that I shouldn't go through this pain alone. But I think they're wrong. I think I should go through this pain and so much more. It was all my fault. You're dead because of me, and I deserve every ounce of pain that I get. I deserve a husband who doesn't really love me and verbally and emotionally abuses me. I deserve a daughter who would rather live with her sister in another state then to come home and live with me. I deserve all the unhappiness and pain this world wants to put on me. It hurts, but I deserve it. If it weren't for me you'd be alive today.

I deserve everything I get Danny, and so much more.

 

[c1ners]

OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH! I hate this day!

 

[c1ners]

We would have been packing up the car right about now Danny. I remember you come in from lunch around 11:20. I didn't have your pizza warmed up, and you were a little upset about that. You warmed it yourself and we all sat down to eat. Then we went out to pack up the car. I was going to take you back to school, and finish packing everything up. Then pick you up at five to head back home. We were going to church Sunday.

After packing up the car you decided to call your parents. You wanted desperately bad to tell them that you loved them, but we couldn't get hold of them. So you tried your brother at the restaurant, but he wasn't there either. You had me call me parents, but once again we couldn't get hold of them. I remember how very upset you were. I didn't understand it at the time. I didn't know that you wanted to tell them you loved them one last time. I didn't know we were about to lose you.

 

[c1ners]

It's over. The accident happened 12:47 21 years ago. Right about now is when the ambulane would have been bringing us into the hospital.

 

[c1ners]

Why'd you leave me Danny? What lesson am I learning in all this? I went from having a husband who loves me with all his heart and soul to one who doesn't give a lick. To one who thinks it's no big deal to look at porn once in awhile, or to check out other women on a personals site. He thinks it's no big deal that this woman also lives within 20 minutes of where he spends at least one week out of the month at. Not to mention at least one day out of the week.

Stupid me. I was wondering why he was spending so much time away from home. I guess now I know. It hurts. It hurts really really bad.

 

[c1ners]

I slept with your sweatshirt last night. I held it close to my heart all night long. No matter how much I tossed and turned it was always there. Just like you. Always here. Even when my heart is breaking, you're here.

Have I told you lately that I love you? I do you know. Very very much. Bunches and bunches and groups and groups.

 

[c1ners]

Happy Anniversary my love. Today we would have been married for 23 years.

 

[c1ners]

I slept with your sweatshirt on my pillow last night. I fell asleep holding onto the arm of the sleeve and remembering the first time we danced. The first time I knew that I was in love. I awoke and the arm of the sweatshirt was wrapped around me. Just as if you were there holding me.

Tonight as I'm home alone I'll close my eyes and hymn to our song. To the song we first danced to so many years ago on this date. And I know with all my heart and soul you'll be there. You'll be right there dancing with me. With your arms wrapped securely around me. Your eyes looking deep within mine, showing me the very depth of your love. I won't be able to see your eyes. Nor will I be able to feel your embrace. But I know you'll be there. And I'll feel you in my heart. In my heart where you'll live forever.

PS...Happy birthday Jess. You have a very special birthday. I know you're uncle Danny is up in Heaven celebrating with you today. He loved you. He loved all of us. So very much!

 

[c1ners]

Are you ready to dance my love?

 

[c1ners]

I love you!

11/26/08

Happy Thanksgiving my husband. I didn't want to bump this up, but I did want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving and let you know that I am thankful for all the years I was able to spend with you. You were my joy, my happiness, my peace, and now my sorrow. I love you more then words can say. I love you more with each passing day.

12/8/08

Psst.....I love you!

 

[c1ners]

Hello my love. Just wanted to let you know that I think of you still every hour of every day. My love for you is deeper than the sea, and higher than the highest mountain top. I will never stop loving you.

Feb. 5, 2009
I love you.

Feb. 16, 2009
I love you.

 

[c1ners]

I love you my Danny.
Today, tomorrow and always.

 

[c1ners]

I love you my Danny.
More than you'll ever know.

 

[c1ners]

I slept with your sweatshirt again last night. It's funny how well I sleep with your arms around me. I fall asleep with it beside my face. I wake up with the arms wrapped around me and the front to my back.

I love you.

 

[c1ners]

One more month until I have to suffer through the memories of that awful day. I've already started having the nightmares. Sigh. I wish we could just skip over the month of August.

 

[c1ners]

*scream* It's just started, and I already want it to be over. *cry*
No one will ever know the pain in my heart from losing you. You weren't just my husband. You were my bestfriend. My first love.

I found your old robe today. Yes, I went looking for it. That and your jacket from the airforce. I remember the day I bought you that robe. It was the day before your surgery. I was so mad at you. When you asked me to buy you a robe for the hospital, I bought the ugliest one I could find. I'm sorry Danny. I'm sorry I didn't make up with you that night before we went to bed like I normally did. I'm sorry I let that fight go on for three days. I'm sorry for making you think that I didn't love you. I'm sorry for asking you to move with me back home after the death of my brother. I'm sorry I took you to the beach and didn't realize that you had gotten so badly sunburned. I'm sorry I fought with you. And I'm sorry that I was driving that day.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. Not a single day. I will always love you Daniel Craig Yager. Always and forever. Your birthday is coming up. Last year I went to Greece because that's where we always wanted to go. This year I'll just stay home. But I will bake you a cake. It doesn't matter that it'll just get thrown away. I'll still make it. I'll still eat a piece and quietly sing happy birthday.

I still don't know why you had to die. When you left a part of me died too. The happy carefree child that I once was. What's left is an empty shell. A shell of who I once was.

I miss you Danny. I miss you so much. So very very much.

 

[c1ners]

I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave?
I'd be a fool 'cause I finally found someone who really cares

You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me "friend"

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

You needed me, you needed me

But most of all, I needed you. You were my bestfriend. My hero. The very breath I breathed. You are my hero Danny. You will always be my hero.

 

[c1ners]

"Everything I Own"

You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, Kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew,
We're all the years I had with you

And I will give everything I own,
I'll give my life, my heart, my home
I will give everything I own
Just to have you back again.

You taught me how to love,
What its all, all above
You never said too much
But still you showed the way
In my new, I'm watching you
Nobody else will ever know
The part of me that can't let go

I will give anything I own
I'll give up my life, my heart, my home
I will give everything I own
Just to have you back again

Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for-granted
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own,
I'll give up my life, my heart, my home,
I will give everthing I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again

 

[SeekingHopeInHim]

I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you.

God Bless.

 

[c1ners]

Happy Anniversary my love. Today would have been our 24th.
I love you and miss you more than anyone will ever know.