A poem for my Danny

[c1ners]

It's funny how God sometimes works. I've been feeling so angry and upset about all the invents in my life lately. I just don't understand how are why God keeps allowing these things to happen. Why my life gets turned back upside down everytime I just get it right side up.

I ordered several new books from my Kindle this weeks. Eleven in total. All free of course since I can't afford anything else. Normally I go from the top of the list down to the bottom, but this time I picked one from the middle.

It was about several different families. One Jewish man who lost his wife the previous year and his journey to find his son who was in Hungary during Hitlers rain. Then there was the Christian family who lived upstairs. The wife/mom had also died the previous year. She died along with the Jewish mans wife. Both men were understandably angry at God. When the young widowed father decided to join the service and go to war he asked a family friend to move in and watch his children. The book told of all the different hardships all three familes went through and their struggles to even believe that God cared. Much less loved them.

In the end they learned that even though they couldn't see him, God was there through their hardships. That they couldn't see him nor did they understand why they had to go through the things they had to endure, but God was there beside them to see them through it. And in the end, everything was okay.

God is here with me. I don't understand the things happening in my life. Nor have I understood why you, my Danny, had to die. But God knows. And he's here beside me helping me through everything now. I just need to keep strong and believe that everything will turn out the way he's planned.

"Thank you God for all the blessings in my life. I know I tend to look on the negative side of things sometimes and to close my eyes to your beauty. Forgive me for that Father. Help me to see the all the wonder this world has to offer. Help me to be patient and strong during these rough times. For you and you alone know my heart. And you and you alone know my future. I praise you Lord. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen."

 

[c1ners]

This song explains how I feel today. Enjoy!

Ray Boltz - Dare to Believe - YouTube

 

[c1ners]

I think I might get a dog. A really big dog. One that will bark and growl when there is someone outside my house. I'm just a little tired of the strange events that happen at night. No one believes me though, so it all must be in my head. But just in case, I'd like a dog.

 

[c1ners]

*Sigh* I've prayed unselfishly for the past ten months. Now that God has answered that prayer I can't stop crying. In my heart of hearts I always hoped that the answer to that prayer would be me. Not very unselfish after all was it?

 

[c1ners]

God Will Make a Way - YouTube

 

[c1ners]

Josh Wilson ~ Before the Morning - YouTube

 

[c1ners]

Reminds me of me and my younger sister when we were little

hmmmm, it appears they've edited my picture. Oh well. It was really nothing bad. *shrugs*

 

[c1ners]

.

 

[Psalm63]

Am I allowed to post here?

Press into the LORD. HE loves you and His tender embrace will bring healing to your heart.

 

[c1ners]

I miss you today Danny. It's been such a long time since I've felt your touch. I sure do wish I could feel it now. I love you my husband. Yesterday, today, tomorrow and always.

 

[c1ners]

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[c1ners]

I don't think I ever wrote about my illness here and what happened during that time. For the next several posts I'm going to copy and paste from another site explaining those details. I don't visit that site much, and I'd much rather have them here so I don't forget.

 

[c1ners]

5/18/2010

I haven't been here in an awfully long time. But I need to talk. Not necessarily to you Danny, but to just write out my fears. There's so much going on in my life right now. It's like a whirl wind of emotions. I just don't know what to do about it all and to tell the truth, it scares me.

I guess I should start from the beginning. Maybe not the beginning, but from when I asked him for a divorce. What was that three months now? I've been looking for a place of my own, but finances right now are making that impossible. Wish I had never bought my car. Now I have payments and insurance and all the other responsibilities and finances that go along with it. But that's besides the point. No sense in worrying about something that's already come and gone.

It's just that sometimes I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was ready. I was making progress. I had plans. And then it was all pulled out from under me again. And no one believes me! That's the thing that's making me so frustrated. No one believes me when I tell them what the doctor said

I've been told I'm manipulative and that I'm making too much of it, but really babe, the doctor told me that my thyroids could burst at any given moment and send me into thyroid storm. Thyroid storm is deadly. And if I can't get anyone to believe how serious this is how am I going to convince them if I actually go into it? Sometimes I feel like I can't win for losing and that only stresses me out more and makes the thyroids that much worse for wear.

So do I continue with the process of leaving and divorcing or do I stay? Making plans to leave puts me under a tremendous amount of stress, but staying puts me into a constant state of distress. I try to pray to God about it. I really do, but there seems never to be an answer and I need an answer!

No one understands how bad it is. Not even when I show them the test results. Or is it that no one cares. Sometimes I feel like the last is the case of my life. I go through the day to day process. I try to put a smile on my face. I'm nice to people and I care. But it seems like most of the time I'm invisible. I'm only here when someone needs me to be here. Otherwise, no one cares. It's a sad feeling.

Katrina cares. I know that my Katrina cares.

 

[c1ners]

5/28/10

Grrrr, my hands are swollen, but I set here and typed out all that had happened anyhow. But then I hit a wrong button and it was gone! I want to write it all down before I forget, but I'm too tired. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better. Right now (after my radiation) I'm keeping a close eye on my pulse and temp. Yep, it's all gone back up again. I guess I'm not as out of the woods as I hoped. My throat is starting to close up and I'm seriously thinking about calling 911. Sigh. I was so hoping I could get better.

 

[c1ners]

5/29/10

Once again I made it through the night. In totally isolation I lay there, listened to my heart pound and just stared into space. It's the oddest thing not being able to feel. All I want to do is stare. I know I should be feeling something, but it won't come. Katrina will be here in a couple hours and I'd love to be able to talk to her, but how can I when there's nothing inside of me right now?

Maybe this morning while my body (at least my body is functioning. My mind isn't, but my body is) is functioning I can get some of this down. I'm afraid if I don't I'm going to lose it all. What if my mind goes next? That should scare me. Heck, a lot should scare me right now, but I'm just blah. I'm just existing. I know who I am, and I know what I need to be doing, but there is no feeling attachted to any of it.

It all started out last week. I think it was either Tuesday or Wednesday when I started having that salty taste in my mouth. I just figured it was the medication. It was the medication, but I didn't think at the time anything was wrong.

Thursday night I went to bed early. I was so irritable and grumpy. All I wanted to do was to lash out at someone. Anyone. It was like there were monsters inside of me clawing to get out. That's the best I can explain it. I thought I was losing my mind.

Friday morning I woke up itching and even more irritable. I went ahead and got ready for work not really understanding what was going on. By noon my hands were swollen twice their size. I had welts on my back. And both my pulse and temp were elavated. (I'm fighting for words here. I'm sorry if I don't make sense)

I finally left work and headed to the walk in clinc. Once there I told them of my condition and what I thought might be happening. That doctor wouldn't even come close to me. I showed him my hands and he backed himself into a corner. It was the strangest thing.

Anyhow, he refused to treat me and told me to go straight to the ER. I did. They hooked me to monitors and gave me an IV with steriods. After an hour they sent me home.

Saturday morning I not only awoke still itching, but sick to my stomach. And the monsters were so over welming! I tried so hard to do things. But eventually to fight the monsters and the sick stomach, I just went back to bed. Sleep came in between the sickness. It finally came a time though when the sickness took totally over. All I could is throw up. For two hours all I did was throw up. There was no rest in between. It was sort of like being in full labor.

Finally I was able to drag myself into the living room. I had been tring to call out to my husband, but i was too weak for him to hear. I have no idea how I got into the living room. I don't have much memory of things that happened after that. I know I was there and I was telling him he needed to call 911. The next minute I was on the cold tile floor. How I got back to bed is a mystery.

I do remember the ambulance coming. Part of me was terrified. All i could remember was that awful day when one ambulance took me and Katrina, and the other took Danny. They never returned to me, and ambulances have scared me since.

The lady wasn't very nice. I do remember that. She kept screaming at me to breath. Not in a panicked concerned way, but in the way sometimes a child gets yelled at when the parent thinks they should be able to do something that they can't. I remember seeing my neighbor as the ambulance carried me out, but all i could do is stare.

At the hospital they took my vitals, and instantly set me up on things to save my life. Not sure how long I was in the ER. When they wheeled my bed out, my mom was there. But I didn't acknowledge her. I couldn't. My mind was there, and I knew what all was going on, but my body refused to cooperate.

It was a long night. My entire family was there (minus my girls). I knew they were all worried. I could hear them all crying, but there was nothing I could do. It was sort of like I was in my mind, but I wasn't in my body. I tried telling them that I was there, but it only made me sound crazy.

That night (as well as the days that followed) I was hooked up to a heart monitor. I had a constant IV drip. They wouldn't give me any food. I guess that's because I was still sick to my stomach.

I don't remember what day it was that they finally gave me my medication. As soon as that pill hit my stomach it all started over again. The swelling, the itching, the high temp and pulse. The sickness. It was confimed then that it was the medication I was allergic to.

It would have been okay (lol, sorry, but I just have to say this real quick. My mouse is moving on it's own again. I guess "those people" have woken up). Anyhow, it would have been okay if that medicine hadn't been my last hope.

I was told by my doctor a month before this happened that he didn't know why I was able to function on a daily basis with my numbers being as high as they were. He told me then that the only hope of surviving was being on that medicaiton long enough to get the numbers down and have the radiation.

And now I find out that the only thing I had to save my life was the one thing that was killing me at the moment. And the funny thing is is that I was totally blank. The doctor came in and told me (thank goodness my husband was there or I wouldn't have been able to believe it. That's how far gone my mind is at the moment) that there was nothing left for them to do. That they were just trying to keep me calm and comfortable. That without the medication I wouldn't make it through the week. And I just sat there. I remember starting to laugh as I stared at him. I think I may have started to laugh uncontrollable. The next thing I remember is a nurse putting something into my IV and me sinking off into sleep.

I'll never forget the look on my husbands face. There were so many emotions there before he shut it all down. Horror, anger, hate, sadness. I know a part of him didn't care if I lived or died, but then a part of him was also petrified that I would. I hate the fact that I put all this on him. I may not be able to feel right now, but i still don't like the fact that I've hurt him so much.

Everything happened so fast. One day I'm being told I'm dying and the next day the doctor rushes in telling me the levels are down and he's calling my doctor to set up the radiation treatment. I know I should have felt something, but right now there's just nothing inside.

There's nothing. It's like a blank page. I know who I am, and I know what I should be saying and doing, but there's no feeling attachted to it. It's the wierdest thing. My husband keeps telling me things. He's bore out his heart and soul to me these last few days, and all I can do is stare. I could sit here and stare all day and nothing would seem to matter. The world would gone on. It is going on. The world is going on. People are both happy for me, and hurt by me. But I can't feel it.

What I'm afriad of is that when it does come back I won't be able to handle it all. They're both still both still here. Both of them wanting to take care of me and make it better. Both of them and all the people that's attachted to them. And neither one is willing to give up. I know it's up to me to make this final decision, but I can't. I can't. And I'm afraid that my mind will never clear enough to handle it. And it's funny. i say I'm "afraid", but there really is no fear. There's just emptiness. I'm just an empty shell right now. I am in there some place, aren't I? Will I get me back? I don't know. All I really know is that the only constant i have in my life right now is God. I can feel his hand in mine. I know he's there even if there's no feeling attachted to it.

I know I sound crazy. But to tell the truth? i think right now I just might be

 

[c1ners]

5/29/2010 an hour later

Over at CF there was once this girl. She kept saying that her name was Amy, but that was all she knew. I didn't understand at the time, but I do now.

My name is Cindie. I know my life, but right now there's nothing attachted to it. That should scare me, but there is nothing in me to be afraid. There is nothing in me to be anything right now.........................

 

[c1ners]

5/31/2010

That was the worst pain I've ever experienced in my entire life. I do not ever want to go through this again. All night long the pain came. It would slow enough once in awhile for me to be able to move for a seond and hit me again. It felt like every bone in my body was breaking. The least little bit of movement had me screaming. And then it hit my chest. I literally thought I was about to die. With each breath it felt like my ribs were cracking. I tried my hardest to just lay still through it all, but sometimes it just got to be too much.

The pain started in my right knee the day before. It felt like there was a chip in the knee and made walking very difficult. The next morning it moved to my shoulder. That still wasn't too bad. I knew as long as it moved from spot to spot I'd be okay. But then it hit me all once. My knee, my right shoulder, my left arm, my head felt like it was exploding and I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head.

It was like a lightening storm within my body. Every place the radiation hit was like a seething pain within me. I tried hard to be still and breath through it, but at times I felt like a wild animal who had been shot and left to die on his own. And I was alone. Not totally alone. I could still feel the gentle touch of God. It was God and God alone that got me through the night.

My body still aches. It feels bruised. And it's hard to use my arms. But I have to get well. Tomorrow is Tuesday and I have to go back to work. I have to. I have to face what's before me. I'm not looking forward to it. I've made up my mind. Yes, I have my mind back. I just wish my heart would stop breaking and listen to reason.

I have so much love inside of me for this man. Giving him up is not going to be an easy chore. Not when I have to see him day after day after day. Not when I'll have to look into his eyes and still feel the deep love that we shared.

People can think what they want to think. I know in my heart that the love we shared wasn't wrong. The one time we slipped and shared more then that love was wrong. But the love itself was not. No one has made me that happy and content in over twenty three years. And now I have to give it up. Life right now really doesn't seem very fair.

But on a brighter note my husband is still being kind. He says that God opened his eyes and made him see the truth and God himself told him not to let me go. I just wish God would do the same with me. Open my heart God. Please open my heart and make me love my husband. If it's what you want, please make it happen.

 

[c1ners]

6/1/2010

I was finally able to get a couple hours sleep last night. It's funny how my body seems to need so much rest, but my mind just won't allow me to sleep. It's not even that I'm thinking. I just lay there. And it's also very strange to be woken up with my husband touching me.

For so long I've lived alone with him not caring. I'm not sure how I feel about this new found love of his. I guess I should be greatful, but it's just wierd. He just wants to sit next to me, touching me, and talk. This morning I told him that I'd like to go out today and buy me a new pair of shoes. I half expected to be scolded and told that I didn't need any shoes (I haven't bought me any shoes in years), but instead he got excited and asked if I would wait until he got home so he could go with. It's just wierd.

I know I hurt him yesterday. I still can't feel any emotions. He was trying to explain to me about the way he now feels. All the love inside of him for me. He was getting all tongue tied and I could tell that he didn't really know how to explain it. So I told him I knew how he felt. That I've experienced that same love this past couple months. I don't know why I said it. I could see that it hurt him, but I can't go on pretending that the past couple months never happened. I'm going to try to give this another go. I know God can work miracles. He's worked a miracle in my husband and I know he can work a miracle in me.

I'm glad I can't feel yet. I know if I could my heart would be breaking in two. I just hope that the emotions don't come back when I get back to work. I have a funny feeling that the minute I go back to work and look into "his" face, everything will come back. I guess that's why I'm prolonging this as long as I can.

Today I've got a few chores I want to try to get done. If I can do all I want to do I'll at least know I'll be physically strong enough to go back. First thing I need to do is to make me something to eat. I'm hungry.

__________________

 

[c1ners]

6/3/2010

So I've got a call in to the doctor's office. If they don't call by nine I'll call them again. This is ridulous! Yesterday I wasn't at work for even two hours when the veins in my wrists started bursting. Today it looks like I've been scratching myself all night long. My body aches. I've got a headache and I can barely see. Something is NOT right. But at least I was able to get a couple hours sleep last night. I think in total for the past two weeks I've gotten maybe twelve hours of sleep and most of that was due to the hospital giving me something in my IV. Two hours is the longest I've slept since I've been home.

haha, I'm irritable today! That means I'm finally getting some emotions back!

 

[c1ners]

6/14/2010

I think it's totally unfair that God made me live only to be held captive. I thought I was finally going to be free. I thought I was finally going to be happy. But no...............I either stay and try to learn to love him again, or I take the risk of WW3 breaking out and one of them getting hurt. I'm trapped and I hate it.

They took his manager title away from him last week.

Not sure how they found out, but they did. Was it really fair of them to punish him after the fact? I know that he took total blame and took all the punishment onto himself instead of me being fired. For that I'm grateful. But I am not happy about them taking his manager title away from him and sticking him in a department that I have absolutely no contact with. I can't even walk down the halls and see him because they've stuck him in a corner where another wall hides him.

Isn't it strange how one day a person can be on cloud nine, happier then they've ever been in their lives, and the next day the rug gets pulled out from under them and everything seems to fall apart?

Just for the record? I love that man. I love him with all my heart and all my soul. What's happening isn't fair, and I don't like it one little bit. But through it all I will hold my head up and I will take my obligations seriously. They can all take him away from me, but they will never be able to make me stop loving him. Not ever.