A poem for my Danny

[c1ners]

6/16/2010

It's not as easy as turning a switch and making myself feel happy. I wish it were. Stupid thyroids seem to control everything. My mind keeps telling my heart that love is a choice and we have chosen to do the right thing and love the right person. But the heart isn't listening. It either goes totally sad and empty or screams back that "No one can make me feel what I don't feel, and no one can take away the way I do feel!" And then I see him and the tears fill my eyes almost instantly. I turn and walk away. I try to hold my head down so that no one can see the tears, but by the time I get to the rest room they're pouring down my face and my body is shaking. I sit on the toilet and sob. Yep, someone needs to convince my heart to stop breaking. Or tell my thyroids that they need to start working right. I didn't go through all this for them to still not work right.

 

[c1ners]

6/17/2010

I got hardly any sleep last night, but I'm totally happy. I totally went against my husband orders (he's finally back to work and out of town) and allowed my kitty into the house. Poor thing was starving for some love. All night long he gave me kitty sugars. He slept by my feet, then on my head, then on my chest then sprawled over my face, and finally ended up in the crook of my neck. It was nice.

And I got donuts this morning! My co-worker had to take a detour because of a traffic accident and had to pass by a krispy kreme donut and he stopped and got me half a dozen, fresh off the press glazed donuts. Of course I shared the wealth. didn't really want to, but I did.

Today seems like it's going to be a good day. The tears still fall from my eyes once in-awhile, but I least today I can also smile through them. And I got to talk to Gary this morning. That man always seems to make me feel better. He's so strong and so determined to do whatever it takes to make me happy and well. And safe. Even if it means living with the fact that I've chosen to stay in my marriage. Again!

I love that man. I really do. But right now I see no other option but to stay. It breaks my heart, but sometimes you gotta do what you don't really want to do. But I will never stop loving him. The man is embedded into my heart forever. And if I have to live with him as just my friend, that's how I'll have to live. I accept my defeat. Like it or not, I accept it. Just someone please continue to give me donuts to help me deal with it.

 

[c1ners]

6/19/2010

Cancer may not be a four letter word, but it sure is the worst word in my vocabulary. I'm going to fight this. I refuse to let it have the upper hand. If in fact that I really do have it. Why should I worry just because the silly doctor said it's a big possibility? I'm not. I'm going to live my life to the fullest instead. Well, almost. I still can't have the one thing that I really want, but that's okay. I know the love in my heart, and I'll be forever grateful for the love that we shared.

My sister really shouldn't have told him. It's strange how I can feel his anguish. It makes me mad that he's having to go through this alone. I at least have my capture to help with my confusion. He has no one. And he shouldn't have been told.

Anyhow, we're going scalloping for my husbands birthday this weekend. I'm looking forward to being in the nice cool ocean waters. I love snorkeling. I love going under the water and seeing all the beauty that God created under there. I just hope that I'll be able to do it without having trouble with my breathing. Good thing is is that they gave me a breather while at the hospital yesterday and I'll make sure I put it on the boat where I can get to it easy. It'll be okay. God has a plan. I don't know his plan, but he's promised that it's a plan to bring me good and not bad. I'm holding onto that promise. With all my strength I'm holding onto that promise.

And if it is cancer I know that soon I'll be able to go home. I may have to put on a brave front first and show everyone that God can and does shine through even in death, but I'll still be home. I'm not afraid. I just want to show all my family and friends how much I love them all first. And I will.

If will be okay. I have God's promise.......................

 

[c1ners]

6/21/2010

I wish I would have thought to ask the doctor for my MRI report last Thursday while I was there. Now it's next to impossible. I did however, have them fax in the report to my primary who in turn is sending in a referral to the oncologist of my choice. They'll go ahead and set up the appointment for me, and fax the report on into the specialist.

I really wanted that report though. I wasn't paying much attention in the beginning and then when I realized that I needed to be paying attention my mind blanked out on me. Maybe I can leave half an hour early today and swing by and get it.

I feel a little calmer about it today. I had a wonderful weekend which calmed my nerves tremendously. Being out in the deep blue see always seems to make me feel better.

I got sunburnt, but I feel better.

 

[c1ners]

6/29/2010

This is so frustrating! How can the doctor tell me that he thinks I might have cancer and then refuse to send in a referral for an oncologist? You would think that if they even had an inkling that something might be cancer they'd send someone to a cancer specialist. Instead they want to send me back to the surgeon to have my gall bladder removed. HELLO! I can't have surgery for another five months. And if I don't have cancer why in the world would I take the chance of having my gall bladder removed when it might kill me? Do they NOT listen!!!!!!!

And then I have people telling me that it's only money and I need to go see an oncologist anyhow without the referral. Do they not understand that if I go without the referral and it does end up being cancer that my insurance won't cover it? Sometimes know it all people make me angry.

 

[c1ners]

7/1/2010

Doctor's office called last night and informed me that they were putting in my referral to the oncologist first thing this morning! YAY! I'm a little nervous though. I think a part of me just wanted to ignore it in hopes that it would go away. This sort of makes it real. But hopefully they can do the right kind of tests that will be safe with my thyroid condition and find out that it's not actually cancer. Then we can get my thyroid levels down enough to take both the thyroids and the gall bladder out. Maybe then I can get well.

 

[c1ners]

7/1/2010 7:07 pm

Shhhhhhh............just breath. Just breath. The blood work doesn't mean anything. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

The gastro doctor called this afternoon to tell me that my bloodwork came back and everything points to cancer. It's only blook work. They can't possibly know anything for sure from the blood work. The only thing it means is that levels are high.

It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. "God please help keep me strong. The only thing I'm doing in getting upset is making my pulse and temp go up. I can't get upset. I can't make myself go into thyroid storm. Please God. Please calm my nerves. Please calm my nerves".

I've been trying so hard to keep positive, but this last bit of news makes it too real. I don't want to do this anymore!!!!!!!!
__________________

 

[c1ners]

I'm not sure when all the test results came back. I didn't write that down. But everything eventually turned out ok. I don't have cancer, and my thyroid levels calmed down.

 

[c1ners]

9/13/2010

The abuser abuses his wife for years. Neglects the children and makes everyone miserable. One day he wakes up a changed man. He realizes that he's about to lose his wife. That she's fallen in love with another man and is happier than she's ever been. He stops the abuse and becomes the husband the wife has always prayed for.

The wife is filled with guilt and shame and does the only thing she can think of doing....she walks away from the one person who she loves. She puts a fake smile on her face and tries to be the best wife she can while on the inside her heart breaks. The abuser wins again..........

 

[c1ners]

That's it. That's all I have written down. But there is more, I just can't remember the dates.

My husband lost his job shortly after that last post. Instead of looking for a new job he decided to just collect unemployment and stay home to keep track of me. I felt like a prisioner. He watched every move I made. He bugged my laptop. He checked my cell phone. He listened to all my phone conversations and he probable even drove my work on a daily basis to make sure I was there.

At home he continued to build his weapon supply. It didn't matter that he didn't work. It didn't matter that we couldn't afford it. He constantly bought guns and made sure that I handled them all. I hate them! I hate the guns! I hate the fact that he's not only threatened me with them, but he's threatened him as well! I know Gary can take care of hisself, but I still can't take the chance.

I did eventually rent me an apartment. I never moved into it though. I had no reason to. And the threats of being found hanging from the ceiling and knowing that my protector walked away really scared me. I couldn't even get in touch with him. He quit working here, changed his cell phone number (so I thought) and bought a new car. I also heard that he had moved. But he didn't really. Yes, he got another job (very far away), and a new car, but he never changed his cell phone number. He was always there. All the little things that happened around the house that I htought were strange, all the no name, no number phone calls, those were all him. He never really left me. He's always been there, right on the other side of my cell phone.

Oh, the husband finally did go back to work. He got a job in TN last October working in the family business making 12 dollars an hour. He could have stayed here for that. Instead he moves over 600 miles away and leaves me here to deal with illing parents and a crazy brother. Not to mention all the bills and having to take care of everything else on my own.

And then there's Gary. Sigh. He's always there. Right on the other side of my phone. patient and strong. I don't know how this is going to play out. I pray for wisdom everyday. I try so hard to do what's right, but God does know where my heart is. Yes, he knows where my heart is, but he also knows that I won't be the one to walk away. I won't be the one to file for divorce. God will make a way. One way or the other, God will make a way.

Edited to add: Do you think he'll really hurt us if I leave? And how, with him ruining my credit and draining my bank account, will I ever be able to afford it? Maybe he'll just stay in TN.

 

[c1ners]

Grrrrr, stupid CF logged me out and I just lost the post that I've been writting for the past half hour. I've got to get some work done. Maybe I'll try again later this after noon. *sigh*

 

[c1ners]

....

 

[c1ners]

I really wish I could be brave and not worry, but it's in my genes to worry. It's just a little scarey when you know that you're deathly allergic to all the medicine that might could help, and therefore surgery is out of the question because you have to take the medicine for 30 days before you can have the surgery.

The only other option would be the little blue pill (radiation/iodine) and that almost killed me! So it looks like I have three options; do nothing and eventually allow this stupid disease to kill me, take the little blue pill and take the chance of it killing me or try not to worry and leave it in Gods hands. The third option seems the most legical, but I also know that I've left it in his hands for the past two years (almost) and instead of getting better it only seems to get worse.

Whatever, it's not like I matter much in this world anyhow. The only person who really truly honestly loves me is my Katrina. It's for her that I've tried to get better. It's thinking of leaving her that makes the tears fall. "Our" daughter, my heart. I love her so very much.............

 

[c1ners]

I don't know what to think about the events that happened over the weekend. I know I probably shouldn't write it down, but a part of me thinks I should keep a paper trail of things.

My oldest step daughters house burnt down Saturday night. They lost everything. Including their oldest sons medication for his cystic fybrosis. Hopefully they can get him more today. Thankfully no one was home, and everyone is safe and sound. Although very shaken and upset.

What I find strange about it though is the attitude of my husband prior to getting the phone call. I had a bad feeling when I woke up Saturday morning. It only worsened by the fact that my husband could barely look me in the eyes. While driving to the beach I tried making conversation with him about the book we're reading. He's been off all week while I've had to work, so his pretty far ahead of me. That's okay, I've read the books before, and pretty well know what's going on.

Anyhow, I asked him if the fire had happened yet. It's either in this book or the next book, I'm not sure. That's when he got really wierd and wouldn't look at me. His eyes darted all over the place, but never on me. While eating dinner I stared at him for the longest time just watching his eyes dart here and there, up and down. He never even noticed me staring at him. When we got home and took a shower he practically ran through it saying that his races were on. It was almost like he was afraid of me touching him. I didn't need to touch him to know that something was wrong. His actions and body langauge let me know that.

The call didn't come in until after I was already in bed. He acted surprised and concerned, but I have the feeling that he already knew about the fire. The sickness in my stomach didn't start though until I heard my bestfriends name mentioned. I'm hoping it was a different person they were discussing, but my instincts are telling me that my husband is trying to set him. To somehow blame him for this fire. I pray to God that I'm wrong, but in the meantime I seem to be walking around on eggshells not knowing what to do or say. I want to tell him, but at the same time I don't want to make waves if there is no storm. And if I tell him, there will be a storm. *sigh* I just don't know what to do right now.

 

[c1ners]

Death. It's such an awfully sad word. Sadder still to sit and watch as someone you love grieves. You know that there are no words to soothe the wounded heart. You know this because you've been through it yourself. So you just there. You sit there and you hold their hands while they cry.

Some people will bring up their own grief...."I remember when so and so died". They don't want nor care to hear about this. Nor do they want to hear "I'm sorry". For every "I'm sorry" they hear, they have to say "thank you", and they are not thankful. They are in mourning. And please don't belittle them by telling them that it's going to be okay. They know that life has to go on, but right now, it's NOT okay. Just let them grieve. Let them cry. And most of all, let them know that you there patiently waiting for their return.

Rest in peace Brandon O'Malley. My sister loved you like a son. You were her son. The son of her heart. Some people might say that you were only a foster son, but you were loved like a son and always will be. Your name is now written across the sky with all the other loved ones we have lost. God sped. You will be missed.

________________________________________________________________________

 

[c1ners]

Guess what Danny? Katrina is PREGNANT!!!!!
We're going to have a grandbaby!!!!!!
And guess what they're naming him if it's a boy? Yep....Daniel. After our beautiful, loving daughters daddy. YOU! She's naming him (if it's a boy) after YOU! I think I cried a million happy tears. I love you.....Papa!

 

[c1ners]

Hello my love. It's been awhile. I'm sure you probably already know, but our grandson was born Nov 17, 2014. Yes, he is named after his beloved PaPa. He sure doesn't have your temperment though. He screams non-stop. Hopefully soon he'll settle down and give his poor mom a break. She's a good mom Danny. Awfully tired, and concerned that the baby won't stop crying, but good. Awesome in fact.

I sing to him your song that you used to sing to Katrina. I touch his face like I touched yours right before the accident and I sing "You are my sunshine". It sometimes settles him and sometimes doesn't. And sometimes I have to stop mid-song because my emotions get the best of me.

He has your mouth, but not your ears lol. I sort of wanted him to have your ears. I know you didn't like them, but I loved them. I loved everything about you and wish you could be here to hold the little fella.

I miss you Danny and I always will.

 

[Charity78777]

Praying for you... Even as years pass, we never forget those dearest to us... I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[c1ners]

Baby Daniel! His granny loves him! <3

 

[brinny]

Precious (((hug)))