A must-have in your potential bf/gf

[SearcherKris]

2.At the same time being told that the children will always come first, reasonable or no. Would you like to be told that his children from a previous relationship will always trump your needs?

Do you feel it is acceptable for an adult's needs to be met when a child needs something he/she is not getting?

I'm not talking about designer jeans when the electric bill isn't paid or taking the kids to play when there has been no couple time. I'm talking needs.

 

[SearcherKris]

3.Being expected to pay for someone else's children on top of it all.

I should have said that I recieve child support and also am employed myself.

I see finances within a marriage a community property. Mine is his and his is mine.

When I talked about the needs being met, I meant that he would be ok with buy new shoes and school supplies and realizing my kids need to see a dr. from time to time.

Personally, I don't want to be financially dependant on a man. That may sound harsh, but I don't want to be a stay at home mom just trusting that his job will stay in tact and working with only one income. I want to live in such a way that our lives can be maintained on the lowest income in the house. That way if he dies, leaves me, or gets laid off, we will still have a house, food, and clothing.

I have already been down that road with a husband who decided if I would work or not, which job I could have, and if I could buy medcine or take the child to the Dr. I'm not living that way ever again.

 

[SearcherKris]

4.Allow you to give his money away whenever you feel like it.

It would be our money, and I was actually thinking of giving out of our excess, and not taking from what he and the children need.

You may feel that is too much to ask, but their are tons of people who are very generous and willing to give, and appreciate others who do the same. It is all a matter of compatibility in you values and way of living. I value charity. If a man doesn't, then he is not the guy for me.

 

[Ruckhard82]

It definitely takes a special man (or woman) to be a stepparent. If you're not that kind of man - no sweat, but don't assume that there aren't men out there willing to fill the position.

Of course there are, but so called "blended family marriages" end in divorce at much higher rates than even the already high average divorce rate. I don't think it is especially logical to believe that the attitude of "the kids come first" regardless of how unreasonable doesn't contribute to that. Most of what I've read on the subject also tends to indicate that mom starts out telling step-dad she doesn't expect money, but the long term realities are different and resentment is a natural by product of it. Nor do I think it's unreasonable to point out that single mom's often have very unrealistic expectations of the step-parent relationship, and tend to blame step-dad when that relationship isn't living up to expectations. But like P.T. Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute." Which is why we have large numbers of adults transitioning from one marriage to another, to another. At some point the cycle needs to be broken, and a big part of that is realizing there's simply more to life than what the kids want at any given moment.

 

[IDDQD]

Of course there are, but so called "blended family marriages" end in divorce at much higher rates than even the already high average divorce rate. I don't think it is especially logical to believe that the attitude of "the kids come first" regardless of how unreasonable doesn't contribute to that. Most of what I've read on the subject also tends to indicate that mom starts out telling step-dad she doesn't expect money, but the long term realities are different and resentment is a natural by product of it. Nor do I think it's unreasonable to point out that single mom's often have very unrealistic expectations of the step-parent relationship, and tend to blame step-dad when that relationship isn't living up to expectations. But like P.T. Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute." Which is why we have large numbers of adults transitioning from one marriage to another, to another. At some point the cycle needs to be broken, and a big part of that is realizing there's simply more to life than what the kids want at any given moment.

This.

I've run into this issue in a few of my sociology courses (namely Marriage & Family and Human Sexuality) and yes, while there are exceptions to the rule, the general trend in blended families is that it ends in yet another divorce. They're very unstable to begin with, and when you throw in the fact that many kids in a blended family resent the step-parent, that's more stress added to the equation. A lot of patience and counseling is needed to make sure a blended family can be sustained and with the kind of instant gratification society we have in the U.S., that's very difficult to pull off.

 

[Riddik7]

Honesty

 

[ido]

Of course there are, but so called "blended family marriages" end in divorce at much higher rates than even the already high average divorce rate. I don't think it is especially logical to believe that the attitude of "the kids come first" regardless of how unreasonable doesn't contribute to that. Most of what I've read on the subject also tends to indicate that mom starts out telling step-dad she doesn't expect money, but the long term realities are different and resentment is a natural by product of it. Nor do I think it's unreasonable to point out that single mom's often have very unrealistic expectations of the step-parent relationship, and tend to blame step-dad when that relationship isn't living up to expectations. But like P.T. Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute." Which is why we have large numbers of adults transitioning from one marriage to another, to another. At some point the cycle needs to be broken, and a big part of that is realizing there's simply more to life than what the kids want at any given moment.

The part in red is not a problem specific to divorced or blended families. There are plenty of nuclear families that spoil their children by giving them what they want at any given moment.

That, however, is NOT what I am referring to when I say the kids come first. I'm talking about their basic needs - social, emotional, physical, spiritual. I'm talking about making sure that my children don't become the statistical "norm" for divorced or blended families.

As parents, in general, it is our God-given responsibility to meet the basic needs for our children. They have the right to feel loved, secure, and provided for. EVERY child deserves that - regardless of their family situation.

For a single parent, we are the only ones that are there day in and day out providing those basic needs. If we begin to neglect them b/c we're too busy trying to find a husband - or fill the empty void of relationship in any other way (partying every weekend, being involved in too many extracurricular activities, etc.) they are the ones that suffer the consequences. They have suffered enough loss and deserve better than that.

If I were dating a man that couldn't accept that I need to continue to be there for my children to meet those basic needs - and that our relationship would come with boundaries in order for me to do so - then I would be dating the wrong man.

 

[SportsJunkie25]

This thread has kind of gotten off topic but I just wanted to add more about my original post. I expected everyone to give one thing they notice in the opposite sex when they first meet, and one thing (out of alll the things) that's a must-have. Well, it turned into a list of must-haves so I guess I'll add my list, too, b/c being a Christian and how tall he is not the only requirement for my future mate. So, I'm jumping on the list-bandwagon:

What I first notice besides height...this is in order:
1) What he's wearing. As long as he's nicely dressed, I'll continue looking...
2) His shoulders and how he carries himself
3) His eyes/how he's looking at me
4) His facial features. Gotta love chiseled facial features...and nice lips.
5) If he's smiling, has a pleasant look on his face or seems happy

Must-haves:
1) A practicing Christian (where it shows in his daily life...not just calling himself a Christian w/ no fruit/works...those are easy to spot) so he can he the head of household like he's supposed to be.
2) Someone who is taller than me...of course. Lol. (<--I got hit on by another short guy yesterday. What gives? Why do short guys love tall girls? )
3) Someone who has great sense of humor and can roll w/ my jokes
4) Some who's always up for a random adventure
5) Someone who is in-shape/active. No couch-potatoes!
6) Someone who is intelligent and has goals for his life
7) Last but not least, the obvious stuff like loving, kind, blah blah blah...we all want that.

 

[ido]

I hear ya about the height thing. I don't know how tall you are, but I'm around 5'8" or 5'9" and had a pretty hard and fast rule that I only dated guys that were 6'2" and taller. So, who did I fall in love with? A guy who is maybe 5'11". lol It's all good, though - he loves when I wear heels, even if it means I'm as tall or taller than he is. So, I've learned that it's not their height that matters as much as it is that they're OK with the fact that the woman they're dating is tall.

 

[white dove]

Are you serious, flnative!?! We're almost the same height, too!

 

[white dove]

Whoopsies.

 

[CoachR64]

Just thought that I would point out that I am 6'4"

*puffs out chest and flexes muscles*

Coach

 

[SportsJunkie25]

I hear ya about the height thing. I don't know how tall you are, but I'm around 5'8" or 5'9" and had a pretty hard and fast rule that I only dated guys that were 6'2" and taller. So, who did I fall in love with? A guy who is maybe 5'11". lol It's all good, though - he loves when I wear heels, even if it means I'm as tall or taller than he is. So, I've learned that it's not their height that matters as much as it is that they're OK with the fact that the woman they're dating is tall.

I don't have a specific height they should be (well, 6ft+ would be nice but that's not a steadfast rule)...they just have to be taller than me...even if it's 1/2 an inch! I'm 5'10.5"...

There were a lot of guys that were taller than me when I was in college (but I played bball and all of the bball guys are tall) but now that I'm in the real world...I rarely meet guys who are taller than me. And, if they are, they're nowhere close to being a Christian so I'd never date them. For some reason, all of the tall guys I meet think they are God's gift to women and...well...let's just say...they don't "commit". I guess they don't commit b/c most girls go ga-ga over tall guys. I dunno...just my experience.

So, I'm just waiting for God to send me my miracle; a tall guy who doesn't think he's a pimp!
Edit: Well, not "send me" b/c he's not going to fall out of the sky or anything. I know I have to do my part but eh...you guys know what I mean.

Note: I know I'm making generalizations and I know there are tall guys out there that don't think they're pimps; I've just never come across one. I'm sure they are out there, though.

 

[SportsJunkie25]

Just thought that I would point out that I am 6'4"

*puffs out chest and flexes muscles*

Coach

Lol. Nice!

 

[ido]

Are you serious, flnative!?! We're almost the same height, too!

Tall girls rule!

Just thought that I would point out that I am 6'4"

*puffs out chest and flexes muscles*

Coach

Ohhhhhhhh brother!

I don't have a specific height they should be (well, 6ft+ would be nice but that's not a steadfast rule)...they just have to be taller than me...even if it's 1/2 an inch! I'm 5'10.5"...

There were a lot of guys that were taller than me when I was in college (but I played bball and all of the bball guys are tall) but now that I'm in the real world...I rarely meet guys who are taller than me. And, if they are, they're nowhere close to being a Christian so I'd never date them. For some reason, all of the tall guys I meet think they are God's gift to women and...well...let's just say...they don't "commit". I guess they don't commit b/c most girls go ga-ga over tall guys. I dunno...just my experience.

So, I'm just waiting for God to send me my miracle; a tall guy who doesn't think he's a pimp!
Edit: Well, not "send me" b/c I know I have to put in an effort but eh...you know what I mean.

Note: I know I'm making generalizations and I know there are tall guys out there that don't think they're pimps; I've just never come across one. I'm sure they are out there, though.

FOR REAL! I know what you mean. The guys that I dated that were in the 6'2" to 6'9" range were all pretty cocky. The taller they were, the cockier they were, too. LOL

Lol. Nice!

Oh, don't encourage him. His ego barely fits through the CF door as it is.

 

[SportsJunkie25]

FOR REAL! I know what you mean. The guys that I dated that were in the 6'2" to 6'9" range were all pretty cocky. The taller they were, the cockier they were, too. LOL

Exactly!

Oh, don't encourage him. His ego barely fits through the CF door as it is.

Haha. Well, I'm new to the singles forum so I don't really know you guys. In that case, Coach, enjoy your last "thumbsup"...you can thank flnativegrl.

 

[CoachR64]

Don't mind FNG, she is just jealous because she can't hang with me in the awesomeness category.

Or in WordTwist

I am pretty darn worthy of multiple thumbs ups.

Coach

 

[white dove]

Just thought that I would point out that I am 6'4"

*puffs out chest and flexes muscles*

Coach

FOR REAL! I know what you mean. The guys that I dated that were in the 6'2" to 6'9" range were all pretty cocky. The taller they were, the cockier they were, too. LOL

6'9"???????


Professional basketball player? Sooome... kind of professional athlete, I'm thinkin'.

 

[Niels]

So, I'm just waiting for God to send me my miracle; a tall guy who doesn't think he's a pimp!

*hides pimp hat and goldfish shoes under the desk*


But seriously... there are lots of tall guys who aren't full of themselves. I'm sure you'll find one.

 

[SportsJunkie25]

*hides pimp hat and goldfish shoes under the desk*


But seriously... there are lots of tall guys who aren't full of themselves. I'm sure you'll find one.

LOL!!! Choose Your Hat - PimpHats.com - PIMP Costume Suits Hats Bling Bling Canes Platform Shoes Iced Out Rings Coats Pants Shirts You have all of these, don't you?

Anyway, I'm sure I'll run into one...one of these days!