A good comeback when dealing with assumptions?

[LovebirdsFlying]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

 

[Inkfingers]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

Next time someone asks you, look confused but smiling and ask "why would you think I could not?".

 

[Halbhh]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

They aren't thinking bad thoughts, but trying to show they care and be connected. They really don't want you to be stranded, and make even be trying to spark conversation (everyone's different). Smile, and love them back.

 

[mkgal1]

Next time someone asks you, look confused but smiling and ask "why would you think I could not?".

This is exactly what came to my mind.

I think when we ask something like that, a person that makes a lot of assumptions is forced to think about what they're saying (which is always a good thing....isn't it?). It may just be the practice they need.

 

[mkgal1]

They aren't thinking bad thoughts, but trying to show they care and be connected. They really don't want you to be stranded, and make even be trying to spark conversation (everyone's different). Smile, and love them back.

....that's making a lot of assumptions there as well.

 

[Halbhh]

....that's making a lot of assumptions there as well.

True. But I notice that even when I'm not sure, and even if I wonder if someone may be assuming something slightly insulting to me, that if possible it helps to only return love and reframe the moment as a love moment.

(This is also good even in the different and actually hostile (not this case above!) situation of when someone really is trying to slight you, because then it's like Paul wrote that returning (sincere) good for bad, we are 'heaping burning coals of fire on their head' (hyperbolic for helping them feel the wrong of what they did).)

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

I wouldn't know but maybe, they're just being friendly and curious if you needed a ride home? Seems to be common with all of us humans, we're full of assumptions, and short on facts. I try to make a point of not making assumptions, but find myself making them nonetheless and quite often I am wrong when I do, which is why I try not to.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

"Do you drive?" That's a simple question. It wouldn't bother me, unless a "yes" then gets a reaction of surprise. Which it sometimes does. "Do you need a ride home?" Same thing, as long as "no, thank you, I drove," doesn't get that same surprised reaction.

What I repeatedly come up against is, "You don't drive, do you?" Or, "Oh. You drove here?" In the same tone of voice they'd use if I had flown there in a UFO. It's no big deal that others can drive. Why is it so shocking that I can?

This is just as offensive to me as it would be if people just naturally assumed I'm on disability and living in an adult group home. There is nothing *wrong* with that, if you need that assistance. But it isn't true for me, and if people kept thinking it was, I would want to know what signal I'm giving off that causes them to think it.

 

[Halbhh]

"Do you drive?" That's a simple question. It wouldn't bother me, unless a "yes" then gets a reaction of surprise. Which it sometimes does. "Do you need a ride home?" Same thing, as long as "no, thank you, I drove," doesn't get that same surprised reaction.

What I repeatedly come up against is, "You don't drive, do you?" Or, "Oh. You drove here?" In the same tone of voice they'd use if I had flown there in a UFO. It's no big deal that others can drive. Why is it so shocking that I can?

This is just as offensive to me as it would be if people just naturally assumed I'm on disability and living in an adult group home. There is nothing *wrong* with that, if you need that assistance. But it isn't true for me, and if people kept thinking it was, I would want to know what signal I'm giving off that causes them to think it.

I sometimes have for some reason perhaps in my demeanor at times have people assume I can't do skillful things with my hands which happens ironically to be the exact opposite of how it is, because of how my step father had us work on all manner of things with our hands, even engine repair, plumbing, you name it, so they are assuming the exact opposite of the real situation, which is typically I know a lot about the repair/maintenance thing compared to any other diy non professional, and probably can give them some really valuable pointers, but instead sometimes a person has somehow just looked at me and presumed I'd know nothing at all it seems, like zero, and are patronizing. lol. It get's really extreme that way with any kind of carpentry stuff, since I've done that for hundreds of hours. It's just a funny thing. So, now, older, I just smile and lay out a detailed way to do it, and they often do a double-take. Funny how people judge wrongly on appearances.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

"Do you drive?" That's a simple question. It wouldn't bother me, unless a "yes" then gets a reaction of surprise. Which it sometimes does. "Do you need a ride home?" Same thing, as long as "no, thank you, I drove," doesn't get that same surprised reaction.

What I repeatedly come up against is, "You don't drive, do you?" Or, "Oh. You drove here?" In the same tone of voice they'd use if I had flown there in a UFO. It's no big deal that others can drive. Why is it so shocking that I can?

This is just as offensive to me as it would be if people just naturally assumed I'm on disability and living in an adult group home. There is nothing *wrong* with that, if you need that assistance. But it isn't true for me, and if people kept thinking it was, I would want to know what signal I'm giving off that causes them to think it.

Again not knowing much of anything, older people can be silly sometimes, and some people like me, are not too keen at judging the age of other people. Maybe you appear younger than you are? I know in the past, I have fooled people with my "baby face". But the grey hairs I have now ruin the perception.

 

[mkgal1]

True. But I notice that even when I'm not sure, and even if I wonder if someone may be assuming something slightly insulting to me, that if possible it helps to only return love and reframe the moment as a love moment.

(This is also good even in the different and actually hostile (not this case above!) situation of when someone really is trying to slight you, because then it's like Paul wrote that returning (sincere) good for bad, we are 'heaping burning coals of fire on their head' (hyperbolic for helping them feel the wrong of what they did).)

I *used to* believe this is the best way to handle people that make assumptions (or...like you're bringing up....even the situation where people are trying to slight others)....but now I really believe it's best to - as gracefully as possible - try to only allow people around me to treat others in the best possible way they can (and that's not returning evil for evil). "Playing nice" is only going to enable people...and I don't see that as "loving" (but....like I said...."as gracefully as possible"). Being assertive isn't the opposite of "nice".

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Again not knowing much of anything, older people can be silly sometimes, and some people like me, are not too keen at judging the age of other people. Maybe you appear younger than you are? I know in the past, I have fooled people with my "baby face". But the grey hairs I have now ruin the perception.

*giggle* You hit on one thing. Most of the congregation is a good twenty or so years older than we are. Anybody under 60 is in the minority. Hubby is 55 and looks it. I'm 54 and look younger. But I seriously doubt that's the entire issue. I may look younger than 54, but I'm sure I don't look younger than 15. I don't think they're assuming I'm simply not old enough to drive. (And they do know that this man they see me with, who looks every bit of his 55, is my *husband*, not my *father.*)

 

[Jack Meredith]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

If you are quiet, people tend to assume you're stupid or something else. I have been told by friends that others thought me retarded, homosexual, or criminal simply because of my quietness. Such cannot be my friends, who make their judgments based on only appearances. They have shown their lack of judgment by their judgment.

 

[mkgal1]

That's why the question that Ink brought up is so good. You'll then get to hear their answer (if they're honest about it) and won't have to go on guessing why they assume it.

 

[mkgal1]

They have shown their lack of judgment by their judgment.

I love this line.

 

[Halbhh]

I *used to* believe this is the best way to handle people that make assumptions (or...like you're bringing up....even the situation where people are trying to slight others)....but now I really believe it's best to - as gracefully as possible - try to only allow people around me to treat others in the best possible way they can (and that's not returning evil for evil). "Playing nice" is only going to enable people...and I don't see that as "loving" (but....like I said...."as gracefully as possible"). Being assertive isn't the opposite of "nice".

Depending on the situation -- whether the person merely has a poor assumption about you vs the different situation of someone that is actually trying to do wrong to you. In the 2nd situation, an actual serious offense meant against you, then you can follow the instructions of Matthew chapter 18, starting at verse 15, which is for serious situations. But that's really a different situation than merely seeing you with bad assumptions, of course.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I have been wondering.... could my cane have anything to do with it? I need a little balance insurance when I'm doing things like stepping down off a curb or walking over uneven ground. Indoors, going from one room to the next on a level floor, I don't even use it most of the time. Merely using a cane, however, has nothing to do with the ability to operate a vehicle. I've seen lots of people who use canes and can drive. You'd think older people would know that.

 

[mkgal1]

Being assertive isn't the opposite of "nice".

I had second thoughts about this.

Being assertive IS the opposite of being "nice"...but it's NOT the opposite of being loving.

 

[mkgal1]

I have been wondering.... could my cane have anything to do with it? I need a little balance insurance when I'm doing things like stepping down off a curb or walking over uneven ground. Indoors, going from one room to the next on a level floor, I don't even use it most of the time. Merely using a cane, however, has nothing to do with the ability to operate a vehicle. I've seen lots of people who use canes and can drive. You'd think older people would know that.

Ask them, LBF. We can be guessing all day long and still never know why THEY make that assumption.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I was wondering if a random stranger on the street would make that assumption just by looking at me--but I suppose a forum wouldn't know, since you can't look at me.