A good comeback when dealing with assumptions?

[Hank77]

That's a fair question. It's a small church, 50 people or less every week, so I would think after five years everybody would know by now.

If it weren't for the other factors I mentioned a few posts back (people in general jumping in to do for me what I can do for myself, and/or assuming I'm going to fail before I've had a chance to succeed) this might not bother me so much. But it's only a part of the whole.

That must be very frustrating. I'd be tempted on Sunday to hang a big sign around my neck that says, "Yes, Really, I Drive. with a big, winking smiley face."

 

[drjean]

I liked the reply of asking a question back, and my response would be to the person(s) "Why would you think that?" "Or, yes I do drive, can I take you somewhere?" If it's an older person who just has it melded in their brain of previous inability to drive, that kind of response might help them remember next time?

While I wouldn't think it or post it, the word assume does confirm it. But we cannot know what another is thinking unless we ask them. If that is being assertive, so be it. And no, being assertive is totally different from not being nice: that's a different assumption.

Just know that whatever their problems are, they aren't yours personally. Nothing in their ignorance makes you less of a person (you look marv' a lus btw). Find a good reply and keep it as a mantra...maybe wink and when they assume you don't drive say, "Sure I do!"

 

[drjean]

That must be very frustrating. I'd be tempted on Sunday to hang a big sign around my neck that says, "Yes, Really, I Drive. with a big, winking smiley face."

WE posted at the same time!

OR get a magnetic sign for the side of the car " XXX's Car"

 

[SolomonVII]

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons.

There is your answer right there. People who know that you had complicated reasons for not driving until late in life likely do not know that your life is now simplified where you can drive.
We all assume life is on a straight line trajectory, unless we are aware of a change in the situation.

If people knew you well, they would know you now drive; if they knew you not at all, they would assume that you could drive-because most adults in North America do.
But if they are only casually acquainted, they operate on the basis of what they know, which likely is that there was a time when you were not licensed to drive.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

There is your answer right there. People who know that you had complicated reasons for not driving until late in life likely do not know that your life is now simplified where you can drive.
We all assume life is on a straight line trajectory, unless we are aware of a change in the situation.

Thank you. This is helpful.

If people knew you well, they would know you now drive; if they knew you not at all, they would assume that you could drive-because most adults in North America do.
But if they are only casually acquainted, they operate on the basis of what they know, which likely is that there was a time when you were not licensed to drive.

I suppose the puzzling part is, haven't I been going to this rather small church for long enough, that people would know me better than this? (About 11 years, to be specific.) If after all this time I'm still a stranger, and they're this far behind on what's going on, then maybe there is a bigger problem.

 

[Sam91]

Oh wow. I now feel like a second class citizen for not being able to drive lol. I haven't learned because I had dizziness most days and didn't feel safe on the road. However, since being on thyroid meds the last 3 years I no longer get dizzy. 15years of dizziness gone...

Anyway, do people really think bad of someone who doesn't drive? Maybe they are just trying to love you. Maybe they like you and want to serve you?

I know you feel angry now but if you search for the reason behind it, maybe it is a hidden source of pride that needs dealt with. It is okay to let people help you. Refusing is blocking a way in which they can serve the Lord. I know you don't need a lift but if there wasn't this well hidden pride that you might not have known was there you might feel grateful that people thought to offer.

By the way I suffer from this kind of pride. I am quite self sufficient (except financially) and am awful at accepting help. Maybe that is why I think that you might have a little of it.

At the same time I could really do with help but no one offers. Well, rarely. But when they do offer me a lift, invite me to a dinner, or coffee I instinctively say no.

EDIT: I should have read further. I see that you mention a cane? Maybe people see it as a prompt to take extra care of you. That could be why you get more assistance, not because you are seen as incapable but in case you do need it and are soldiering on.

 

[Jack Meredith]

The possibility has been raised that some people automatically assume cane/walker = pain meds, and of course pain meds would stop a person from driving.

I take pain meds to relieve intolerable pain, not for complete pain relief. I have only once been completely pain free by using meds in 5 years, and that was from accidentally taking an extra pill. Still, it did not make me goofy or unsafe to drive. I am a minimalist regarding any drugs. I drive normally and daily.

I cannot start a thread, as I am new here. But I would like to start a thread on autoimmune disorders. Anybody?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh, I don't at all think badly of someone who doesn't drive. A lot of people at our church don't, including some of the same ones who have assumed I don't. That doesn't mean they're less than I am. I just wonder why, after five years, I'm still giving off the "I don't drive" vibe. I don't see them either directly or indirectly asking my husband if he needs assistance. They assume, rightly, that he can take care of himself.

 

[Sam91]

Oh, I don't at all think badly of someone who doesn't drive. A lot of people at our church don't, including some of the same ones who have assumed I don't. That doesn't mean they're less than I am. I just wonder why, after five years, I'm still giving off the "I don't drive" vibe. I don't see them either directly or indirectly asking my husband if he needs assistance. They assume, rightly, that he can take care of himself.

I suppose it would feel the same as if people kept reading things to me because they assumed I couldn't read. Why would they think that?

Get a big badge saying, "I am a safe driver- are you?" Wear it for church. The sheer fact that the question 'Are you?' might get it noticed and remembered. Hehe

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Continued from my last post, simulposted with the above.

"I suppose it would feel the same as if people kept reading things to me because they assumed I couldn't read. Why would they think that?"

PS: Which reminds me. Once I was flipping through the hymnal, looking for the song everybody was singing from the wall projector. The wall showed the lyrics but not the melody. I didn't know the melody, so I wanted to follow along in the hymnal because I can read music.

Someone near me saw me flipping through the pages, took the hymnal from my hands, and found the page for me. As if I didn't know my numbers. Why did they think that was necessary?

See? Just little repeated things like that. Not JUST the driving. All of it.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

That helps a lot.

And you know what? I don't even use handicapped parking spaces. My cane is more for balance than for mobility, so slopes and curbs and sudden dips and such don't catch me off guard. I park on the far end of the lot rather than trying for a space as close to the door as I can get. There are advantages. It's easier to get a space that way. It's less stressful than trying to look for a "good" space, and may even safe time. I'm not real good at parking, so if I miss, I have more room to back out and try again. I have less chance of dinging somebody's door, or having them ding mine. And it's good exercise to walk a little. All of this is why I won't get a handicapped permit. As long as I *can* walk across the parking lot, I want to save those spaces for somebody who can't.

I don’t use handicapped spots either, unless I’m having an emergency. I think that adds to the confusion. In my case, I’ve had people (friends, coming from a genuine place) ask why I use the chair but don’t park by the door and now I’m able to load it and go if I use it. I can only imagine for every one of my friends who comes to ask out of genuine curiosity with how my disease works that there are 5 more who just see woman in her mid 30s who sits in a wheel-walker, but is able to stow it in her own car and drive.

I know it’s easy for me to say since I’m not in your shoes, but is there a way to craft your mind take their offer to drive you home as a compliment of sorts? We live in a very self-centered world, so people noticing a peer who may need some help and asking if they can help without provocation can potentially show a group who’s observant to the needs of their own. Like, I’m not sure I’ve ever had somebody see me pop out my chair and offer to drive me, drive the kids, etc etc. While I wouldn’t take them up on it, there are times where it’s a little harder to function where I wish people would ask if they could help.

Again, I know it’s easier said than done... My personal trigger point is when people tell me I look good. I know it sounds so crazy, but if I’ve spent the day losing one of the battles that pop up with this disease I get really, really irked when people say I look good. How I look or not doesn’t matter, I feel like death. Sometimes you want to hear people say “you look awful, are you ok?” I know it seems counterintuitive, but they say “you look good!” and I hear “... So your illness can’t be that hard to manage or bad.” I had, and still do, have to do *serious* self-reflection before replying to that after a day of feeling like I’m going to die.

 

[Sam91]

Continued from my last post, simulposted with the above.

"I suppose it would feel the same as if people kept reading things to me because they assumed I couldn't read. Why would they think that?"

PS: Which reminds me. Once I was flipping through the hymnal, looking for the song everybody was singing from the wall projector. The wall showed the lyrics but not the melody. I didn't know the melody, so I wanted to follow along in the hymnal because I can read music.

Someone near me saw me flipping through the pages, took the hymnal from my hands, and found the page for me. As if I didn't know my numbers. Why did they think that was necessary?

See? Just little repeated things like that. Not JUST the driving. All of it.

Are you laid back and gentle in your approach? Or do you look flustered

I would love that btw. I would like some TLC. My partner died, then my gran, then my brother. All in the last 2.5 years. No extra visitors. Looking after 3 kids, quite pressured and flustered. Moved house, trying to decorate, take kids to clubs etc. On the go constantly, with no relatives of mine in the same country. I'm in Scotland, they are in England. My deceased partners relatives are here and help out when I have no option but get the kids watched for an appointment. But rarely even get a lift offered. I had one last Friday but it was months ago that I was offered one before that lol.

If only you could transfer these offers around the world! Lol

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Are you laid back and gentle in your approach? Or do you look flustered

I would love that btw. I would like some TLC. My partner died, then my gran, then my brother. All in the last 2.5 years. No extra visitors. Looking after 3 kids, quite pressured and flustered. Moved house, trying to decorate, take kids to clubs etc. On the go constantly, with no relatives of mine in the same country. I'm in Scotland, they are in England. My deceased partners relatives are here and help out when I have no option but get the kids watched for an appointment. But rarely even get a lift offered. I had one last Friday but it was months ago that I was offered one before that lol.

If only you could transfer these offers around the world! Lol

Yes, I'd love to share it with you. I'm very sorry for your losses.

 

[Sam91]

Yes, I'd love to share it with you. I'm very sorry for your losses.

Thanks. I have learned that there is nothing to fear when you Trust in Him. That He can bring peace even in the worst of times. That He sends comfort and prepares your paths so that you can cope. We have a Perfect Father.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh, on the "flustered" question.... if anything, maybe I move a little bit slowly. That doesn't mean I can't get there, though. The woman who yanked the hymnal out of my hand honestly thought she was doing me a favor.

 

[Sam91]

Oh, on the "flustered" question.... if anything, maybe I move a little bit slowly. That doesn't mean I can't get there, though. The woman who yanked the hymnal out of my hand honestly thought she was doing me a favor.

If only we could get together over a cup of tea so I could see why people are so kindly disposed to you. I suspect that the Lord has given you a gentle demeanour and a kind spirit.

Is there someone who knows you who could give you an honest opinion on what your body language portrays? If they are that observant, a lot of people aren't.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I think a lot of people might unconsciously think having one disability equals having every disability. If I need an assistive device when walking, then I need assistance with everything.

To be continued. Company coming.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If it makes you feel better, I’m 95% sure an incident with me on an airplane was used in a national news story as a example of mid-air miracles (the phenomenon where people board an airport with assistance while using a wheelchair, but when the plane lands are “healed” and walk out without assistance, the implication being they lied to get good plane seating).

People see what they want to see, regardless of the reality.

 

[Jack Meredith]

If it makes you feel better, I’m 95% sure an incident with me on an airplane was used in a national news story as a example of mid-air miracles (the phenomenon where people board an airport with assistance while using a wheelchair, but when the plane lands are “healed” and walk out without assistance, the implication being they lied to get good plane seating).

People see what they want to see, regardless of the reality.

The 1st adjective used to describe my disorder is "fluctuating." But many who see me walking relatively normally after seeing me walk with great difficulty, especially doctors, say I am faking it or it's all in my head.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

If it makes you feel better, I’m 95% sure an incident with me on an airplane was used in a national news story as a example of mid-air miracles (the phenomenon where people board an airport with assistance while using a wheelchair, but when the plane lands are “healed” and walk out without assistance, the implication being they lied to get good plane seating).

People see what they want to see, regardless of the reality.

Some people may not need wheelchairs *every minute of every day.* They just can't go very far at a time, or some days are better than others. You know that already. Just a public service announcement for those who don't. For example, my husband's former boss was recently medically retired due to ALS. He had been using a wheelchair at work, his final days on the job, but when we visited him at home, he was having a good day and was able to walk around. It was only his speech that was noticeably slurred. Next time we visit, he might not be having such a good day, and he might be in the chair. Some people think wheelchairs are only for people with total paralysis, and if you can move your legs, why do you need one? These people are poorly educated on the subject.

Similar misjudgments are made when a shopper using a motor scooter gets up out of it to reach something on a high shelf. Just because that person can momentarily stand, doesn't mean that person is able to walk around the entire store. And even if they *can* manage to push themselves to the very limit and walk around the entire store, maybe then they can't get out of bed for the next day or two afterward. So it's better to let them use the motor scooter, and quit judging.

When I was posting last time, I was interrupted when company arrived. They've left again. It's my husband's sister and her family. They've gone out hiking, but I couldn't join them. I'm recovering from a broken toe. Anyway, I started talking about people unconsciously thinking having one disability equals having all disabilities.

I'm thinking of the actress Marlee Matlin. She's deaf. She was on a plane once. They brought around the dinner menus. She started to sign to her interpreter what she wanted to order. The flight attendant noticed, grabbed the menu, ran off--and brought back one in braille.

Then there's Geri Jewell, the comedian. She has cerebral palsy. I've heard her discuss how people sometimes talk to her like she's five years old.

So I guess that's why you get people who think just because I use a cane, I can't turn the pages in a hymnal by myself?