A good comeback when dealing with assumptions?

[Jack Meredith]

I have been wondering.... could my cane have anything to do with it? I need a little balance insurance when I'm doing things like stepping down off a curb or walking over uneven ground. Indoors, going from one room to the next on a level floor, I don't even use it most of the time. Merely using a cane, however, has nothing to do with the ability to operate a vehicle. I've seen lots of people who use canes and can drive. You'd think older people would know that.

Oh, yes. How could I forget? I am often treated as if I was incompetent because I need to use a cane, walker, or electric grocery cart on occasion.

 

[Jack Meredith]

And if you ever confess to weakness in one area, you are presumed incompetent in everything. But I'm not bitter. Much.

 

[Jack Meredith]

And if you ever confess to weakness in one area, you are presumed incompetent in everything. But I'm not bitter. Much.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

And if you ever confess to weakness in one area, you are presumed incompetent in everything. But I'm not bitter. Much.

You and I are in very similar boats here. Having people assume out of nowhere that I can't drive is only the tip of the iceberg.

I am not mentally challenged.
I am not stupid.
I am not helpless.
I am not useless.
I am not incompetent.
I am not *that* disabled.

I have been treated for most of my life as if all of the above were true, and I'm sick of it.

 

[RaymondG]

couple questions:

1)Have you ever been shopping with these people and had your shopping cart hit theirs more than once in a single trip?
2)Have they ever witness you run into a bench in church on Sunday?....not including the times you were under the spirit.
3)Have you ever fallen asleep during the part of the message where the speaker is driving it home?

If you answered yes to any of these......This could be why they assume you dont drive...

But on a spiritual note......notice how like breeds like.......They assume something you feel is negative.....then you assume something about them that is negative......specifically that they are thinking negative thoughts.

I say try to opposite....Assume positive when others assume negative.......soon you wont be able to notice any negative....even when it is intentional presented...... Guarding your heart and mind through Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

None of the above.

The possibility has been raised that some people automatically assume cane/walker = pain meds, and of course pain meds would stop a person from driving. But I wouldn't know, without asking, if that's the assumption being made.

This isn't the only example of the issue. It's an ongoing, lifelong thing. I've been working on tasks and had people grab it right out of my hands and do it for me. (I didn't have to ask what they were thinking, in that case. I've actually heard them turn to another person right afterward and say, "She probably would have messed it up," or "I didn't want to wait all day.") I've had people repeat the same information several times (speaking in a clear, slow, high-pitched voice with short words and sentences) and then STILL write it down for me before I leave. This assumes not only that I would probably forget, but also that I couldn't write it down for myself if my memory were a problem. I've had people come looking for me just in case I got lost, when I'm not even due there yet. I've had people call to make sure I'm awake for an appointment, five minutes before my alarm clock would have gone off. "Oh. You set an alarm clock? Well, I didn't know...."

The common thread in all of this is presuming before I even have a chance to succeed that I would probably fail. Nothing makes me see red faster than that. I want to know what it is about me that makes people think I can't take care of myself, and need this much help.

 

[RaymondG]

Maybe you were a very helpful person when you were younger....you helped everyone every time you had the opportunity...... and now you are reaping the harvest.......and will therefore, never want for anything again. From now on, you will never need to ask for any help because it will always be there when you need it.....before you ask..... I understand the frustration......

 

[StillGods]

not sure but at least you have people around that are trying to help. it feels like to me i am left to do life by myself and wish people would help me sometimes. most of the time i can handle it but there are times i wish someone would see i need help.
God said it is not good to be alone He is right.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

not sure but at least you have people around that are trying to help. it feels like to me i am left to do life by myself and wish people would help me sometimes. most of the time i can handle it but there are times i wish someone would see i need help.
God said it is not good to be alone He is right.

It's a shame it has to be one or the other, isn't it? Some people don't get the help they need. Some people get flooded with way more help than they actually need. Feast or famine. Too bad it can't balance out.

 

[friend of]

When did you get your license? I'm almost 28 and still don't have mine haha

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

When did you get your license? I'm almost 28 and still don't have mine haha

Five years ago. And my 23-year-old nephew doesn't have his either.

 

[*LILAC]

I have been wondering.... could my cane have anything to do with it?

How good is your sense of humour?
Take the cane and shake it at them and say, "Yep! I can drive! This here is the stick shift!"
See if that'll shut them up.

 

[*LILAC]

Oh, and I hear you about "assumptions"! We have our special needs son and hadn't attended church regularly for like, a few weeks a while back. Word got around that we'd put him in a home and we were coping with that. Imagine when we came back (son in tow) and folks were asking if we were alright! Oh my goodness! Then we cleared up their little "assumptions". Man, people need to get their own lives in order before gossiping about others.

 

[Cheylynn]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

there is bigger fish to fry in the Kingdom of God....

 

[mkgal1]

 

[Hank77]

OK, this one is going to be tricky. Honestly, I don't expect anyone to have a good answer. The issue bugs the liver out of me, but I'll try to be light-hearted and positive about it.

It has come up three times now, within the past month. Maybe my husband and I have separate places to go after church, so we'll arrive in different vehicles. Last time that happened, two different people approached me after my husband left. "How are you getting home?" They were then surprised to find out that in fact, I drove myself there, and I can drive myself home too.

Then last Sunday, a lady was telling me about a ladies' event this upcoming Saturday, and then tossed in, "Oh, but you don't drive, do you?"

Grrrr.

Yes, it's true I came into driving later in life, for complicated reasons. But I have been licensed for five years now. I cleared that hurdle a long time ago. When people just assume without asking that I probably can't do this or that, it makes me wonder what other assumptions they're making about me. Is it my intelligence or my general competence that they're questioning? Why does it REMAIN a big fat hairy surprise to people that I can drive? Would they ask somebody else the same question? What signal am I sending off that makes them think I'm incapable?

Do I have to make an announcement in the church bulletin that yes, I can drive?

It sounds like you have been in this church since before you could drive. Even though you have been driving for five yrs. now that doesn't mean everyone knows that or if they did know that they always remember that you do.
Are you making assumptions by thinking that they think you are incapable?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

It sounds like you have been in this church since before you could drive. Even though you have been driving for five yrs. now that doesn't mean everyone knows that or if they did know that they always remember that you do.
Are you making assumptions by thinking that they think you are incapable?

That's a fair question. It's a small church, 50 people or less every week, so I would think after five years everybody would know by now.

If it weren't for the other factors I mentioned a few posts back (people in general jumping in to do for me what I can do for myself, and/or assuming I'm going to fail before I've had a chance to succeed) this might not bother me so much. But it's only a part of the whole.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Thanks to my disability, I use a chair walker... Not so much for mobility support (unless a wave hits while I’m walking) but because sometimes I need to sit down immediately. Not like “it would be great if I could find a place to sit soon” but “I NEED TO SIT NOW.”

I’ve gotten more than a few shocked looks and even some dirty looks when people see me pop in a car and drive off.

People can see certain people or their needs and arrive at various conclusions. I understand how that would hurt. If you have experience after experience like that, I can understand why it would hurt. I’m not sure there’s anything you could do differently, other than laugh off the assumptions (easier said than done I know) and try to understand people are limited by what they know. It has nothing to do with you and what you put out there, but what they know and understand. If everybody is significantly older, their reality may be that somebody with a mobility difference is of an age where they are at the end of their driving career. You get to be the spry young chicken who has the mobility difference that doesn’t limit them.

 

[Hank77]

Oh, and I hear you about "assumptions"! We have our special needs son and hadn't attended church regularly for like, a few weeks a while back. Word got around that we'd put him in a home and we were coping with that. Imagine when we came back (son in tow) and folks were asking if we were alright! Oh my goodness! Then we cleared up their little "assumptions". Man, people need to get their own lives in order before gossiping about others.

Here's one for you. Back in almost 20 yrs. ago I had cancer. I tried to keep it very quiet, just within immediate family and one close friend. After surgery a neighbor called. "Oh I'm so sorry, I heard you only have three weeks to live."

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thanks to my disability, I use a chair walker... Not so much for mobility support (unless a wave hits while I’m walking) but because sometimes I need to sit down immediately. Not like “it would be great if I could find a place to sit soon” but “I NEED TO SIT NOW.”

I’ve gotten more than a few shocked looks and even some dirty looks when people see me pop in a car and drive off.

People can see certain people or their needs and arrive at various conclusions. I understand how that would hurt. If you have experience after experience like that, I can understand why it would hurt. I’m not sure there’s anything you could do differently, other than laugh off the assumptions (easier said than done I know) and try to understand people are limited by what they know. It has nothing to do with you and what you put out there, but what they know and understand. If everybody is significantly older, their reality may be that somebody with a mobility difference is of an age where they are at the end of their driving career. You get to be the spry young chicken who has the mobility difference that doesn’t limit them.

That helps a lot.

And you know what? I don't even use handicapped parking spaces. My cane is more for balance than for mobility, so slopes and curbs and sudden dips and such don't catch me off guard. I park on the far end of the lot rather than trying for a space as close to the door as I can get. There are advantages. It's easier to get a space that way. It's less stressful than trying to look for a "good" space, and may even save time. I'm not real good at parking, so if I miss, I have more room to back out and try again. I have less chance of dinging somebody's door, or having them ding mine. And it's good exercise to walk a little. All of this is why I won't get a handicapped permit. As long as I *can* walk across the parking lot, I want to save those spaces for somebody who can't.