• Welcome to Christian Forums
  1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

  2. The forums in the Christian Congregations category are now open only to Christian members. Please review our current Faith Groups list for information on which faith groups are considered to be Christian faiths. Christian members please remember to read the Statement of Purpose threads for each forum within Christian Congregations before posting in the forum.

A cry for help

Discussion in 'Deeper Fellowship' started by razeontherock, Oct 11, 2010.

  1. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter

    I want to thank all of you for being children of our Father - it is family that I need right now.

    I have been raging at our Heavenly Father most of last evening and most of the night.

    I couldn't help myself - so much anger at Him - especially from when I was a small child and it seemed He didn't help me.

    I'm feeling sick and empty right now. Nauseated, tired but emotionally a lot calmer and in awe of God.

    For as I was raging He had made sure I got help. I knew He wasn't angry at me raging - though the dragon tried his lightening strikes - the love of God was upon me.

    It started of because my dogs run off - and the stress of them not coming back - triggered my rage.

    Oh brothers and sisters if only you you guys knew how much I have raised my voice on-high like so! In the past I've even cursed Him.

    It goes back to my early beginnings Jesus showed me at The End of the 'BOOM' coming out.

    My nightmare began at home when I was only 3 perhaps even younger. I had my bed all alone in the dark corner of the up-stair floor - a big open space where mum would hang the washing - especially the sheets freaked me - at night to dry! With two bedrooms at the front - far away it seemed from my bed.

    Satan would come with his mates and torture me.

    I wasn't allowed to come out of bed - for Jesus would protect me and I just had to have faith. I was scared of my dad - who didn't love me - and ruled like his dad had him - a tyrant - (though my Dad is a kind hearted man:hug: but we didn't know yet, neither did he, I don't think.)

    I didn't know I was a paranoid schizophrenic, neither did my parents, I was to scared to tell them how scared I was to go to bed at night and believed I just had to grow up and stop being scared of nothing.

    Yet Satan would come - just telling you guys this, remembering - puts my hairs straight up - I can never tell anyone how bad the fear got. So bad I couldn't scream and I used to hide under my sheets until I thought I die sweating so badly that I was soaking wet. Yet nothing helped.

    I remember laying in bed - to scared to make a sound for mum and dad had already gone to bed and I was still awake - all night long at times freaking - screaming my silent screams - hating myself for being so scared -not trusting Jesus for He never came to help - for bloody years this went on - and Jesus wouldn't come and help me - or so it seemed.

    That is why I am so angry - I was already then!

    and that bloody Witch - oh the agony she caused me with her deceitful tongue! Why? Why? She is so cruel so unbelievably cruel - she raped my life and cut me to bits and ate me alive - why did no-one stop them?

    Why are they there in the first place?

    This is where the split to my personality started. Me the paranoid schizo to scared to anything but still believing in God - to scared not to - and a me who turned into someone who got over his fear, done everything he was scared of doing - just to prove he would heed fear ever again - and therefore fears very little. I got huge big mouth and listens to no-one telling me what to do and just steams ahead regardless of - always getting into huge troubles for it of course.

    For In The Truth I'm often completely court-up with that rotten Witch playing games in my heart and mind prodding me to seek wrong and not be frightened of it - even going so far as to 'playing' god games with me. Though I'm only recently discovering what is in this part of me - for I kept myself out of my life for many years - for in my paranoid self I used to fear myself more than the devil.

    Any way that was my ramble for tonight.

    Thanks again to all of you!:hug::hug::hug:

  2. Michael Collum

    Michael Collum Everything began with a voice, use yours Supporter

    Christian Seeker
    :prayer: :hug: Jeshu :hug: :prayer:
  3. RevRo

    RevRo Newbie

    WOW! It's been so long since I have experienced 'night terror' I had forgotten what it was like but reading your post brought the memories back. Not the emotions, just the memories. How I praise God right now for the blood of Jesus Christ cleansing me from them! I was 3rd from the youngest of 11 children, with a co-dependant mother and a spiritualst, acoholic father who was an abuser. He used to beat my mother, therefor making me think she was no-good as he only beat us when we were 'bad', so therefore my mother had to be bad. To make a long story short, I walk in victory every day now because I have learned to completely trust the Lord and no longer even question why He allowed those things to take place in my life. I used to get angry when people said "God has a reason for everything." But one day the Holy Spirit showed me, in the word, that is true. And it's not to dstroy us, it's for our own good in the end!
    Ezekiel 14:23
    "You will be consoled when you see their conduct and their actions, for you will know that I have done nothing in it without cause, declares the Sovereign LORD."

    I, too, have cursed God in the past. When my son-in-law was killed in a horrible car accident at a very young age, I shook my fist at God and said "(wash my mouth) You, God!" But have since repented and been cleansd by the blood of Jesus Christ.

    Keep on keeping on, my Brother. You WILL see the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.
  4. Amylisa

    Amylisa Yeshua's love is my life

    Oh, Jeshu I am SO sorry for all that you endured.

    I suffered a lot as a young person too and don't understand why it had to happen. Other than people make their choices and often we suffer because of other people...whether they abuse us, and/or ignore our needs.

    But Jesus was with you then....it must have torn His Heart, all that you went through.
    I pray He gives you the ability to have peace and to trust and rest in Him ......we will understand when we get to the other side.

    You are Very brave to share this. God bless you, I will remember you in my prayers. I have tears in my throat thinking of what you shared. He loves you so much and He uses everything for good somehow. He loves you Jeshu.
  5. irenemcg

    irenemcg Senior Veteran

    Word of Faith
    In Jesus name I pray that every suicidaL thought will depart from Jeshu. Lord you transform and renew our minds, you breathe life I pray for freedom in Jesus Name for our brother. AMEN
  6. irenemcg

    irenemcg Senior Veteran

    Word of Faith
    You can be free of those deep seated hurts from childhood days,
    Lonely scarey moments when you felt so, all alone, ,
    But do you know at that moment God sent His guardian angels into your home ,
    Your Heavenly Father wants to wipe your tears totally away.

    He has watched you hurting there throughout the years,
    And He has longed to set you free, wiping away every tear,
    His love for you his child is love that goes beyond all measure,
    Right now he is beckoning you to come hither, come closer.

    You need to forgive your parents for lack of understanding and forgive them,
    Remember what we pray “Father forgive those who trespass against us,”
    He has forgiven us of so much, his commandments we have broken,
    The blood shed for you wiped away your sins, take all those hurts to Jesus.

    Oh dear one, can’t you see he felt every hurt, every bit of your pain?
    He has cried and travailed with you when you have shed those tears,
    Now he wants to take every one of those deep seated night fears,
    Giving you a precious new freedom and you will never be bound again.

    So take it all to Jesus, ask him to help you to let go of the past,
    It can’t be done on your own, you need to have his help on this,
    Remember his love and compassion goes well beyond compare,
    Give it all over to him today and he will help you gain real freedom at last.

    Remember you have been given a wonderful gift- his mind,
    He has blessed you indeed with a sound mind,
    Scripture proclaims it so take hold of that truth,
    Can you feelo his arms embracing and soothing?

    You are about to know what it is to be so totally free,
    For He will do for you what he has already done for me,
    Every chain , every shackle, He wants to break away,
    That you might know real joy and freedom in him today.
  7. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter

    Thank you:hug:

    Sad to hear you suffered fears as well. Much healing love in your heart dear.

    I know forgiving my parents is the way - and I try - but don't always succeed in doing this for my parents still often hurt me - showing no loving care for me and thinking horrible stuff about me - and feeling much more sorry for my family than for me ever.

    When I was suicidally depressed for ages they wouldn't even talk or comfort me at all - only Yvonne got that privileged - for as they pointed out to me time and again - she was so burdened down by me being like that - that they felt very sorry for her.

    Thank you for your loving comfort sister. God bless you for caring.:hug:


    I have settled down a lot right now - though still aggressive - my depression has weaned a little - and I slept reasonably well last night - getting about 6 hours - after hardly any the night before.

    Shaky but determined to face it all and drop this part of my life of to Jesus. I know He will heal me from my agony - for He is faithful and true.

    Thanking all of you for your support, sharing, help and prayers.

    i love you all:hug:
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2010
  8. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    Hmmm...While I am sure God is unphased by your rage, I am not sure your raging does you any actual good. Every time you rage at God, you further establish a habit of doing so - a habit that at some point you must break if you expect to be free of your rage. God calls us to self-control, and to peacefulness and gentleness.

    If you have the power of the Almighty Creator of the Universe dwelling within you as the Bible says each child of God does, and you are, in fact, a child of God, then you can help yourself. As I shared with you in my last post, "we have not been given the Spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." Experiencing this truth in your daily living begins by telling yourself that it is true - especially when you don't feel like it is. You may still continue to feel and behave as though it isn't true, but as you persist in telling yourself the truth, you will begin to be transformed by, and conformed to, it.

    Your anger is misplaced, I think: God didn't cause your terror; Satan did. If you want to rage at someone, perhaps it would be better to direct that rage against the devil, not God. Knowing God as I do, knowing what the Bible says of God's love and care of children, He was acting to help you in the midst of your terror - even if you didn't know it. Instead of reinforcing in your thinking the lie that God abandoned you to the evil torments of the demonic, maybe you should start to reinforce in your thinking the truth that God was acting on your behalf even when it seemed He wasn't.

    Has any good come out of believing that God abandoned you? What do you think the result will be if you choose to believe what the Bible says about God's constant presence with us and care and concern for us?

    You mean, nothing you did helped. I, too, had night terrors. I recall very vividly feeling an overpowering presence of evil approach me at night while I lay awake in my darkened bedroom. It was...terrifying. This happened many times that I can recall. And my whimpering response as I lay cowering under the bedcovers didn't do anything to alleviate my situation. If my parents had taught me something of spiritual warfare, if they had taught me to use prayer, and the Word of God as my spiritual sword, and the power of the name of Jesus, my experience would have been very different. But that they failed to equip me to battle spiritually isn't God's fault. Really, it may not even be my parents' fault; for they had little understanding of this whole area themselves at the time. I can't rail against God, however, for my own ignorance of how to fight spiritually. Its not His fault that my fearful cowering didn't relieve my distress.

    You know, I did survive my night terrors. Do you suppose if they could have, the demons that terrorized me would have destroyed me? Of course they would have! Why is it that they didn't, then? It seems to me God's intervention can be the only reason the demonic attacks of my childhood didn't get any worse than they did. I think the same is true of you, too.

    The more you replay your childhood terror in your mind, the greater it grows and the more force it has in shaping your present condition. If you want to be free of your past, you're going to have to let it go.

    Philippians 4:8-9
    8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
    9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

    I'm praying for you, brother.

  9. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter


    Thank you for your advise and your prayers such is much appreciated.
    Some of what you say is true but a lot is not really fully applicable to my situation, I don't think.

    See my problem is that I just don't have child fears - though such is bad enough - I'm mentally ill and have severe psychotic raging episodes - which after a sexual assault at the age of 11-12 years of age, in which I almost lost my life - turned my fears to raging madness - so much so that I'm classified as extremely danger when psychotic.

    My rage and suicidal tendencies as discussed here - all stem from this illness and from this crappy past. My childhood fears Jesus has pointed out to me - cause me to begin dividing my personalities and my psychosis and mood disorder did the rest. So from this perspective letting my rage come out - not suppressing my raging Alter personality - and exploring where the roots of my division as well as anger lays is what I have been doing.:)

    What is happening with me is that this here is my attempt to let these SUPPRESSED memories come out - so Jesus can heal them for me - and also my suppressed Alters - so I can be one whole once more.:cool:

    In much of my other Alters Jesus has already saved me and set me free from my psychosis and depression - though such will be with me as an illness till I die - a few of the hardest to deal with I left undone so far.

    My suicidal self, for example, I have fought and denied life in me for many years - for I get unbelievable depressive spells - and at times dwell in the nagging spirit of suicide for years within these depressive bouts - not because I agree with suicide - though I admit I have fallen at times - but because I'm basically rendered mad from my depression - my rage is very much like this as well. I have basically tried everything to find treatment.

    So going out in faith, against all odds is what I'm, doing here. It is not som much faith I need therefore - but guts to be my Alter selves and let Jesus heal me in them.:bow::bow::bow:

    The Peace of God fill your heart today and for aye:hug:
  10. Michael Collum

    Michael Collum Everything began with a voice, use yours Supporter

    Christian Seeker
    Yeah having multiple alters is like being drunk . it all makes sense at the time . in that way it's kinda like a dream . continuing to pray trinity for you Jeshu .

    :prayer: :hug: :) :hug: :prayer:
  11. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    Goodness! You've been through the wringer a bit, haven't you?! The devil has been giving you both barrels it seems. I read what you've written above and all the verses I know of in Scripture that speak of God's power, peace, and love being ours as His children come rushing to my mind. I can't help asking myself, "Can't the greatest Being in the universe, who has promised those who love Him peace, joy, and contentment, remedy your situation?" Well, obviously, the answer is "Yes."

    So, when you tell me you are "mentally ill" and have "psychotic rages" are you telling me that you are beyond God's healing power? Do you believe you are too far gone for the truth of God's Word and the power of God's Spirit to transform and conform you to the image of Christ?

    Please don't misunderstand me: Exploring who you are and why you do and feel the things you do and feel is important. It seems, though, that you have given a great deal of power to your past and to your illness in your thinking. I don't believe there is any value in suppressing or pretending that you don't think and feel as you do, that you haven't had the miserable experiences that you've had. However, it seems to me that you have gone rather too far in the other direction and have placed yourself under the control of your unhappy past. I think it is vital to acknowledge what has happened to you and the terrible fear and pain of it all, but, having done this, it is time to take Paul the apostle's advice:

    Philippians 3:13-14
    13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,
    14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

    The simple fact is, that God has made us to be conformed to that upon which we focus. Every advertising agency in the world knows this - and so does the devil. He will do all he can to divert your thoughts from God and His truth, or to diminish both in your thinking, so that he may work your destruction more easily. Don't let him do this to you!

    I think it is very necessary to face squarely who you have become and to understand why; and I think it is excellent that you are looking to Jesus to aid you in doing so. :thumbsup: Once the suppressed memories have surfaced do you revisit them again and again? Do you steep yourself in the pain of them? Or do you bring every thought - even the dark thoughts of your past - into obedience to Christ? God would have you to be free of these memories, not stuffing them down and pretending they aren't there.

    Well, either God is greater than your illness or He is not. I know in my case God used my "issues" to teach me much about myself, and about my relationship to my Maker, and how to battle spiritually. He didn't free me all at once from my fear and obsessiveness, but used my struggle with these things to mature me as His child. And what a terrible struggle it was! Nonetheless, I did ultimately find relief; God was as good as His promises to me of peace, self-control, and joy. What He has done for me and many others I am sure He can and will do for you. It begins by letting Him preoccupy your thoughts rather than the rage and pain of your past.

    2 Corinthians 3:18
    18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

    God has a replacement for all of your "alter selves": Jesus Christ. God wants you to be like him rather than all these personalities you've manufactured.

    Galatians 2:20
    20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

    I'm still praying for you! :prayer::prayer::prayer:

  12. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter

    A lot of good stuff in here and I want to thank you for this. :thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

    A few things I don't agree with or see different - I'm not sure if this matters a lot though.

    As to going over the past!

    I don't believe in digging up dead bodies and chewing on the remains - grave digging is not my style - neither am I into cannibalism - rather I follow the vultures and bury the dead bodies I find.

    About replacing my Alter selves

    I totally disagree with you on that. All my life this is what I wanted to get rid of my Alter selves - such genocide within - such cruel kings ruling.

    Jesus was furious with me about that aspect of my faith in Him and denied me who had been so legalistic the right to enter the promised land. Though the devil wasn't allowed to have me I perished in my ways. My ruler-ship ended miserably when I denied Christ entrance into my Alter selves - demanding these selves would die in me firstly - before God's Kingdom could came into me.

    I'm deeply ashamed that I didn't heed my Saviour in this part of my life for so long and have been so terribly hard and cruel to myself for so long and was very happy really to die to being like that.

    See when Christ took me before our Heavenly Father in my God/The Word loving Alter - I begged Him to heal me from my 'illness' - Dad simply said that I wasn't ill - but that He had made me to be this way for His glory - (very much like a Down Syndrome is not ill - or someone with out legs is saved without legs and doesn't get new ones at spiritual rebirth) - I know I was deeply disappointed at the time. Also that I had been given the gift of spiritual discernment and - sin - the sin of others - and my own - had stuffed my life up and not my 'illness' as such.

    Christ set me FREE to be -Isaiah 61 - who I was wrong and all - and invited me to follow Him in what ever Alter I was - and learn to serve Him.

    It is awesome to be loved by Jesus - without demand for change or sinlessness - but I do have to follow Him - and not my own understanding or others - He has made that abundantly clear. :amen:

    I'm not sure if I addressed everything but still thanks for your care.:wave:

    Have a blessed Sunday.
  13. lilmissmontana

    lilmissmontana singing my hallelujah song

    :bow: Father, this one cries out in anquish ... this one is in deep despair! Abba, Father! Abba Father! Abba Father! in Jesus Christ sweet and precious name I ask you to lift this one up and out ... this one who can no longer climb out of the pit ... this one who can no longer find their way out of the confusion ... Father, please pull Him up! pull him out of the muck and mire ... I pray You take the spirits not of the Lord from this person and deal with them that they may never lead this one anywhere you wouldn't have him ... place him on the Way safe and sound ... fill this one with the things You know he needs that we know not to ask for ... Father, I ask You help this one know your presence and peace and for sure to know You won't ever leave him nor forsake him ... that You are the one who keeps our foot from certain death ... Father, I pray You anchor him to the Rock ... You are the Wise and the One ... we trust You when You say He came to save souls such as this ... all I know to say is Abba, Father! as always all things in Your will.

    Jeshu ... my heart totally feels your heart :cry: :hug:
  14. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    Hah! That's a great word picture! :thumbsup: I am...relieved to know this is how you're approaching the whole business of your past. It just seemed to me as you described the pain of your personal history, that maybe you were "chewing on the remains" just a bit. I'm glad to know you're no cannibal; it can be tempting sometimes to dig up the "dead bodies" of the past now and then and have a nibble.;)

    I didn't mean to suggest otherwise. I'm sure you were/are eager to rid yourself of these "cruel kings."

    Jesus was furious with you? I don't understand. He knew as God all that you would do before you were ever born - even before the world existed. With this knowledge in hand, he went to the cross and delivered you from the penalty of all the wrong, sinful things you have, and will ever, do. Having obtained for you forgiveness from all that you would do that would be displeasing to God, why would he then be furious with you for doing them? He knew in eternity past that you would do what you have done and He still went ahead and made you.

    Was the shepherd in Jesus' parable furious with the sheep that left the ninety and nine and wandered off into the wilderness? No, the good shepherd was only concerned with the rescue of that lone sheep; and when he found it, he carried it home in his arms. The shepherd didn't scold and punish the sheep for its foolish wandering; he didn't make the sheep walk home; he wasn't angry with the sheep for being the foolish creature that it was. And this is the nature of "the Good Shepherd who gives his life for the sheep." He loved you enough to die for all your sin. In light of this it seems very odd to me that you would think he was furious with you.

    I see. I'm not sure what you mean by "perished in your ways."

    I think anyone who has walked with God for more than a short time can say something similar. :D

    Sort of like the apostle Paul's "thorn in the flesh"? I am kind of confused, though, about why God would give you an irremediable condition that provokes you to wrath and anger, to rage, and to depression and suicide - all of which He has condemned as sin. :confused:

    Well, I guess you would be! He has given you a "thorn" that doesn't just tempt you but forces you to sin! This isn't like the God I know at all...:confused:

    Yes, I've had spiritual "sin congestion" my self. I've found there's nothing like "blowing the nose of confession" to relieve the congestion, however.;)

    Hmmm...I wrote in my last post about God wanting you - and me - to be like Christ because this is what the Bible tells me is a fundamental goal in being a Christian. Check this out:

    "For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren." (Ro. 8:29)

    "For to me to live is Christ..." (Phil. 1:21)

    "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Gal. 2:20)

    I agree with you that God doesn't demand sinless perfection from us in order to walk with Him. And thank goodness for that! But as these verses above explain, being a Christian isn't about me being me, but about me recognizing that God wants to transform me into the image of his Son and submitting to His Spirit's work to this end.

    Thanks. I really do care. I'm not just talking with you 'cause I'm bored or want to have a doctrinal debate. I've had dark times in my life as well; my mind has, in the past, been a terrible battlefield. As a result, I have tremendous sympathy for you in your struggles. The things I've been sharing with you were vital for me in experiencing the promises of joy and peace God made to me in His Word. My desire is that you might be helped and blessed as I was by the truths I've been writing about to you. :)

    You have a blessed Sunday, too.

  15. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter

    Isaiah 63

    Who is this coming from Edom,
    from Bozrah, with his garments stained crimson?
    Who is this, robed in splendor,
    striding forward in the greatness of his strength?
    "It is I, speaking in righteousness,
    mighty to save."
    Why are your garments red,
    like those of one treading the winepress?

    "I have trodden the winepress alone;
    from the nations no one was with me.
    I trampled them in my anger
    and trod them down in my wrath;
    their blood spattered my garments,
    and I stained all my clothing.

    For the day of vengeance was in my heart,
    and the year of my redemption has come.

    I looked, but there was no one to help,
    I was appalled that no one gave support;
    so my own arm worked salvation for me,
    and my own wrath sustained me.

    I trampled the nations in my anger;
    in my wrath I made them drunk
    and poured their blood on the ground."

    It has been good talking with you my dear brother, I don't mind your questions such is helpful for me and opens me for the possibility to be corrected.

    When I said that Christ let me as was - this was in response to me ruling myself harshly and demanding I be different than I was before Christ would heed me.

    Rather Christ simply let me be in my Alters without demanding such things - so I would learn to love an serve Him with my legalistic tendencies determining what to do or not to do - as it had always been.

    You think Jesus can't get angry with us - or that He wouldn't be loving if He was?

    Think about the time He cleaned The Temple or consider the rider on His White Horse in Rev 19 - or ponder on the impact of Is 63

    And so love for God - instead of hate - could begin to grow in my Alter selves often in which I hated God and didn't want to serve Him - because I thought He wanted me dead and in Hell because of how I had turned out to be.
    I wrote a poem about it

    Zion Descending.

    At first I heard Dad say,
    "Son let us make tracks,
    Its near getting dark now,
    The Chosen are all asleep,
    now would be best,
    as darkness reigns its peak
    for arrogance has him blinded
    to what is really going on."

    My sun was darkened
    and the moon turned to blood
    the stars fell from Heaven
    everything shaking in its boots.
    wars and rumours of wars
    famine and drought
    living in wantonness
    rulers making a living out of sin
    Satan's forces installed everywhere
    loveless forces ruling untruthfully.

    I heard my inner world crying out in her dying pain,
    "What is going on?
    the Father is leaving us
    without the Son,
    this can only evil mean."

    I heard the angels blow the trumpets!
    "Woe to inhabitants of this world!"

    I heard the agonising cry
    coming from underneath the altar
    the dead in God's love, longingly
    awaiting newness of life!
    "Yes oh Lord pour out their blood as they did ours!",

    I heard the thunders rolling throughout my being,
    "Let evil brood fear The Truth of God Almighty!
    ....let judgement begin in The House of God!"

    I knew judgement had already began
    When I beheld those massive hails stones
    Tumbling down on the heads of the wicked.

    I watched my enemies flee in terror
    scorpion stings burning wrong
    horse hooves kicking up dirt
    truthfulness uncovering shame
    honesty baring nakedness
    the dung of the earth warring
    lies sores causing agony
    pestilence threatening
    as grasshoppers devoured
    my enemies food and good life!

    It was fascinating to see
    How weak those are...
    .....so strong in lies!

    Loving Truth is like that!
    The freedom to be
    true to yourself.
    Both in
    good and bad
    in His love to be.

    Oh the release of faith!
    Heart rendering awe!
    Shouts of glorious praise!
    Jumping joy - pure ecstasy!
    Glorying in God Almighty
    my life's tormentors died
    perishing one after the other.

    Seeing Jesus on His White Horse
    a blazing Sword
    coming out of His mouth
    His all conquering loving truth
    my inner world of being to reap.
    Casting dead in me
    what is so good to have gone
    raising alive that which I had lost
    bringing New Life at each dawn.
    His Kingdom ruling my world of being
    His presence bringing Rest and Peace.

    Time and again He comes past like this!
    (Terrorising the wicked agonising their mates demise)
    as all His Wheels turn into place
    The Word alive in Heavenly Love
    costly gifts descending from above
    beholding The Temple of The Most High
    The Truth of Love Himself my Zion.

    I don't think God gave me an irredeemable condition - but rather saves me the person having been shaped by that condition and setting me free from it. Jesus has been rebuilding me for years and has done an awesome job on me throughout this time.

    He set me free from those evil voices screaming all the time and from my life stuck in Hell - even when i'm rock bottom He is with me and loves me through even my worst times of depression - Indeed Jesus is the most glorious King within my inner world of being.

    It is for me to follow Him:amen:

    Thanks to those who have prayed and are praying for me to get through this:thumbsup:

    The Beggar Of My Existence

    Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
    Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
    bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
    Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
    the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
    helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.

    Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
    I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
    by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
    At first I was raped night after night for years,
    lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
    oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!

    Not often have peels been part of my diet,
    weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
    that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
    I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
    Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
    I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.

    Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
    a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
    he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
    I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
    I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
    normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!

    Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
    please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
    my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
    could you spare me some food or money,
    a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
    Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.

    Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
    the young wine had refreshed me completely
    where did all this come from I wonder?
    My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
    I couldn't believe what I was hearing
    I remember his lips pronounce the words;

    "Shalom... Beloved...

    ..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
    "Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
    your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
    At home I have some new clean garments your size,
    a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
    awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."

    That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
    Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
    gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
    carrying me along an all together different route,
    right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
    halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.

    A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
    ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
    a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
    Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
    heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
    when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?

    A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
    in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
    "You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
    I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
    how lovely he looked standing there,
    "and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."

    I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
    A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
    Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
    My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
    several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
    and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!

    Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
    never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
    I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
    saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
    restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
    deep down I knew Life had found me for good.
  16. RevRo

    RevRo Newbie

    AHA!! Now I see why the enemy wants to destroy you!
    Don't forget that even Elijah, the prophet, had his 'down time' but the Lord always rescued him.

    If you sign those beautiful, prophet poems, put them in an envelope and mail them to yourself (don't open it when it returns to you) you have a cheap copyright on them and you can sign your name at the end of each one one by putting a C in a circle along with your name, so no one can steal them. WHAT A TESTIMONY!!! God bless you!!!
  17. razeontherock

    razeontherock Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for ministering, and praying, and caring, and not judging! With all the love I see poured out here, more than anything else one thing REALLY resonates with me:

    Ask Jeshu how much I've said that ^_^ I kid him that I challenge his Faith, but I've seen him come a long way in a few months! While Jeshu will certainly challenge all of our theology, he also sees Truth at a level that is basically ... like no one else. When he humbly states he has the gift of discernment, he actually perceives the spiritual realm as being more real than the physical, at least sometimes. And his grip on G-d's Word is astounding! I guarantee you if you're ever given a word to share with this man, it'll "get in there" DIRECT.

    When G-d first filled me with the Holy Ghost, for a few weeks I had this gift and could sometimes literally see evil spirits. There were some intensely powerful times of ministry, but I simply couldn't take it and asked G-d to take that gift back, and in His Mercy He did. Apparently that's not an option Jeshu has been given ...

    please continue to lift him up in prayer and ministry. Through this recent turn towards difficulty, I KNOW our Lord is doing His Ancient work:

    Isa 51:9 Awake, awake, put on strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in the ancient days, in the generations of old"