- Mar 25, 2005
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I want to thank all of you for being children of our Father - it is family that I need right now.
I have been raging at our Heavenly Father most of last evening and most of the night.
I couldn't help myself - so much anger at Him - especially from when I was a small child and it seemed He didn't help me.
I'm feeling sick and empty right now. Nauseated, tired but emotionally a lot calmer and in awe of God.
For as I was raging He had made sure I got help. I knew He wasn't angry at me raging - though the dragon tried his lightening strikes - the love of God was upon me.
It started of because my dogs run off - and the stress of them not coming back - triggered my rage.
Oh brothers and sisters if only you you guys knew how much I have raised my voice on-high like so! In the past I've even cursed Him.
It goes back to my early beginnings Jesus showed me at The End of the 'BOOM' coming out.
My nightmare began at home when I was only 3 perhaps even younger. I had my bed all alone in the dark corner of the up-stair floor - a big open space where mum would hang the washing - especially the sheets freaked me - at night to dry! With two bedrooms at the front - far away it seemed from my bed.
Satan would come with his mates and torture me.
I wasn't allowed to come out of bed - for Jesus would protect me and I just had to have faith. I was scared of my dad - who didn't love me - and ruled like his dad had him - a tyrant - (though my Dad is a kind hearted man but we didn't know yet, neither did he, I don't think.)
I didn't know I was a paranoid schizophrenic, neither did my parents, I was to scared to tell them how scared I was to go to bed at night and believed I just had to grow up and stop being scared of nothing.
Yet Satan would come - just telling you guys this, remembering - puts my hairs straight up - I can never tell anyone how bad the fear got. So bad I couldn't scream and I used to hide under my sheets until I thought I die sweating so badly that I was soaking wet. Yet nothing helped.
I remember laying in bed - to scared to make a sound for mum and dad had already gone to bed and I was still awake - all night long at times freaking - screaming my silent screams - hating myself for being so scared -not trusting Jesus for He never came to help - for bloody years this went on - and Jesus wouldn't come and help me - or so it seemed.
That is why I am so angry - I was already then!
and that bloody Witch - oh the agony she caused me with her deceitful tongue! Why? Why? She is so cruel so unbelievably cruel - she raped my life and cut me to bits and ate me alive - why did no-one stop them?
Why are they there in the first place?
This is where the split to my personality started. Me the paranoid schizo to scared to anything but still believing in God - to scared not to - and a me who turned into someone who got over his fear, done everything he was scared of doing - just to prove he would heed fear ever again - and therefore fears very little. I got huge big mouth and listens to no-one telling me what to do and just steams ahead regardless of - always getting into huge troubles for it of course.
For In The Truth I'm often completely court-up with that rotten Witch playing games in my heart and mind prodding me to seek wrong and not be frightened of it - even going so far as to 'playing' god games with me. Though I'm only recently discovering what is in this part of me - for I kept myself out of my life for many years - for in my paranoid self I used to fear myself more than the devil.
Any way that was my ramble for tonight.
Thanks again to all of you!
Peace
I have been raging at our Heavenly Father most of last evening and most of the night.
I couldn't help myself - so much anger at Him - especially from when I was a small child and it seemed He didn't help me.
I'm feeling sick and empty right now. Nauseated, tired but emotionally a lot calmer and in awe of God.
For as I was raging He had made sure I got help. I knew He wasn't angry at me raging - though the dragon tried his lightening strikes - the love of God was upon me.
It started of because my dogs run off - and the stress of them not coming back - triggered my rage.
Oh brothers and sisters if only you you guys knew how much I have raised my voice on-high like so! In the past I've even cursed Him.
It goes back to my early beginnings Jesus showed me at The End of the 'BOOM' coming out.
My nightmare began at home when I was only 3 perhaps even younger. I had my bed all alone in the dark corner of the up-stair floor - a big open space where mum would hang the washing - especially the sheets freaked me - at night to dry! With two bedrooms at the front - far away it seemed from my bed.
Satan would come with his mates and torture me.
I wasn't allowed to come out of bed - for Jesus would protect me and I just had to have faith. I was scared of my dad - who didn't love me - and ruled like his dad had him - a tyrant - (though my Dad is a kind hearted man but we didn't know yet, neither did he, I don't think.)
I didn't know I was a paranoid schizophrenic, neither did my parents, I was to scared to tell them how scared I was to go to bed at night and believed I just had to grow up and stop being scared of nothing.
Yet Satan would come - just telling you guys this, remembering - puts my hairs straight up - I can never tell anyone how bad the fear got. So bad I couldn't scream and I used to hide under my sheets until I thought I die sweating so badly that I was soaking wet. Yet nothing helped.
I remember laying in bed - to scared to make a sound for mum and dad had already gone to bed and I was still awake - all night long at times freaking - screaming my silent screams - hating myself for being so scared -not trusting Jesus for He never came to help - for bloody years this went on - and Jesus wouldn't come and help me - or so it seemed.
That is why I am so angry - I was already then!
and that bloody Witch - oh the agony she caused me with her deceitful tongue! Why? Why? She is so cruel so unbelievably cruel - she raped my life and cut me to bits and ate me alive - why did no-one stop them?
Why are they there in the first place?
This is where the split to my personality started. Me the paranoid schizo to scared to anything but still believing in God - to scared not to - and a me who turned into someone who got over his fear, done everything he was scared of doing - just to prove he would heed fear ever again - and therefore fears very little. I got huge big mouth and listens to no-one telling me what to do and just steams ahead regardless of - always getting into huge troubles for it of course.
For In The Truth I'm often completely court-up with that rotten Witch playing games in my heart and mind prodding me to seek wrong and not be frightened of it - even going so far as to 'playing' god games with me. Though I'm only recently discovering what is in this part of me - for I kept myself out of my life for many years - for in my paranoid self I used to fear myself more than the devil.
Any way that was my ramble for tonight.
Thanks again to all of you!
Peace
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