I'm game. I noticed that from my poll, that the two people who voted both said that my story was "meh". I'd be curious to find out why, and what could be improved. Was it the writing style itself, or was it simply the storyline?
thanks! unfortunately, what i have posted is just part of a larger story... though i haven't exactly written any more to it. my original intent was just to leave it as it was but i got so many complaints from another place i've submitted it for review that i've thought about expanding it. right now i view it as a slice of life type story.
"meh" means unimpressive... not worthy of much interest, not great, but not horrible. Just meh.
The names being similar (almost the same) was intentional, to allow those very unfamiliar with the story to feel that the sort of think they know it (ie someone who has never read the Bible but has heard the Christmas story, would feel vaguely familiar with the story.) I also am not too much a fan of blatant allegory, but this seemed an opportunity to flex my "writing muscles" on a story that didn't require me to think up a completely new plot. I have too much of my novel series in my head to be trying to create another world, and I didn't want to rush any of the writing of that storyline, so... allegory seemed the best option. Thank you for the honest opinion and review. Even though you don't like allegory, did you have any suggestions in how to improve the writing style itself? Anything that annoyed you about the style?Ok. Well of the stories I've read I really liked Owl's Tangled & Fallen. It was highly readable, kept you interested, was easily understandable & had lots of action. The one drawback was it didn't seem finished & as such doesn't stand alone as a story.
FriarErasumus, I'm not sure if I should comment on yours or not as I dislike obvious & blatant allegories ~ just a personal preference & NOT a comment on the actual writing. I like to be surprized & feel the idea is quite workable but I would change names, (dead giveaway) & try to be a little more obscure to keep the reader guessing. But what do I know. I have enough trouble trying to do these things myself!
My earlier response:
Yeah it is a sequeal to another short story that I had written called Candles(it is in the creative writing section) The abrut ending was because had to go away for a few days over the closing date so I had to finish it very quickly. I plan to re write the ending of this one to my origanal plan as for the big picture he is not allowed to move. This and Candles may both be going towards a much larger story where it bit is two years apart and within each bit you get the year from 4 perspectives of Kate, Andy, Jutith and Margerate.My earlier response:
http://www.christianforums.com/showpost.php?p=34374921&postcount=30
I also wanted to say that the story felt like it really could go further. What happened at his new home? What was so important about the new jobs that constituted moving to England? What thoughts were going through his head while he was on the flight? It left me wanting a whole lot more. Sometimes that is a good thing, so maybe you should just ignore my comments
Anyways, loved it!
