I call myself a loner cause I can't make any friends so I tend to struggle of it. I have asperger syndrome and everytime when I get a chance to make friends I just stare in blank space.Like aniexty has hit me with full force. I wish I was good enough to make friends. God wants me to make friends but I don't think I can. I am a loner and I think its by choice or maybe cause I don't know. But I just don't know where to start. I know I won't be getting any messenge cause my letter might be too long or don't make any sense. I get nervous on talking to other people. Does anyone feel like a loner like I feel right now?
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A Aspie Loner
- Thread starter SerialSinner1984
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dayhiker
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Hi Serial, welcome to CF.
I had many of the feelings you voice when I was younger. Over the years I've learned to talk in a way that others find interesting. One of my 1st obsessions was watching people. Others were studying the Bible, how to fix up a home, history and how people think about things. Eventually, I came to know enough about these topics that I felt comfortable talking about them. But I would tell people facts and people find facts boring. So I had to lead to tell stories. People love a good story. I would use my one life and the facts I learned to tell story that conveyed the information I wanted them to learn. But some people get bored with the stories I tell. So I had to learn to read people's faces so I'd know when they were getting bored with my stories and then figure out a way to quickly conclude the story and end. That was like 45 years of work, but since I really enjoyed learning all those things it was fun.
I had many of the feelings you voice when I was younger. Over the years I've learned to talk in a way that others find interesting. One of my 1st obsessions was watching people. Others were studying the Bible, how to fix up a home, history and how people think about things. Eventually, I came to know enough about these topics that I felt comfortable talking about them. But I would tell people facts and people find facts boring. So I had to lead to tell stories. People love a good story. I would use my one life and the facts I learned to tell story that conveyed the information I wanted them to learn. But some people get bored with the stories I tell. So I had to learn to read people's faces so I'd know when they were getting bored with my stories and then figure out a way to quickly conclude the story and end. That was like 45 years of work, but since I really enjoyed learning all those things it was fun.
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LOL! You sound a lot like me. The story part didn't last too long with me and so I found that usually, the people that find what I have to say as interesting are very educated.
At least, I'm not talking over their heads. That was a real problem for me and I didn't realize that I was doing it until this one lady, she was a special ed teacher and was discussing with my AA Sponsor (a retired social worker) that she was having difficulty with a lot of the kids in class being put on drugs.
Well, I asked her what the problems were. Then I asked her what the kids had been like prior to the meds and I offered up an observation.
She latched onto it immediately because somewhere in that observation she found a thread of solution to her problems. The only problem was that I was talking over her head.
I don't know how long (I was totally worn out by the end of the conversation) but she just listened and when I was through she would say, "Okay, I'm getting there. Break it down for me."
About 5 or 6 times she did this and then the lightbulb went on. And for the first time in my entire life someone really wanted to hear what I had to say and pushed home that the problem wasn't that people didn't like me but that I was usually speaking above someone's head and a lot of times that intimidated them.
My husband teases me that I'm like Sheldon on Big Bang.
I'm not narcissistic like he is, but I've got "my space" and I have difficulty picking up on social cues. I like things a certain way, but not extremely so. And in some ways, I'm like his knocking on Penny's door. I have a certain way that things should be done and it disturbs me to no end if there is a break in the cycle.
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- Jul 25, 2005
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SS'84,
For me, it is very much like mic fright. Hobby groups are a little easier for me to connect in. I'm there doing my thing while the person next to me is doing their thing. They might take an interest in something I'm doing and I might do the same. As I begin to collaborate with them on projects, it becomes a backdoor into friendship.
For me, it is very much like mic fright. Hobby groups are a little easier for me to connect in. I'm there doing my thing while the person next to me is doing their thing. They might take an interest in something I'm doing and I might do the same. As I begin to collaborate with them on projects, it becomes a backdoor into friendship.
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MoeSzyslak
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I am right there with you. I am 44 years old and do not have a single friend outside of my family. Its been over 10 years since I have been out socially with a non-family member.
I have tried studying people, studying group dynamics, joining clubs based upon hobbies and counseling with doctors who specialize in the field. They have all amounted to nothing. It is all just beyond my doing and understanding.
I have tried studying people, studying group dynamics, joining clubs based upon hobbies and counseling with doctors who specialize in the field. They have all amounted to nothing. It is all just beyond my doing and understanding.
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MoeSzyslak
Regular Member
I mostly read. Quantum physics, neuroplasticity or religious in nature. Lately, I've been getting into geocaching.
99% of the time I am quite happy being alone. The other 1% can feel lonely. I find when I am socializing, say at work, I usually find myself trying to get away because I want to be alone to pursue my things.
My counselor says she thinks I like the concept of friends, but in real life doesn't think I actually desire the connections. She may be right.
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If you are interested in this topic, you might find this web site offers an interesting alternative to Quantum theory.
Common Sense Science
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Friendship is more of a spectrum with acquaintance on one end and someone for whom you would lay down you life at the other. Aspies tend to be more concrete and therefore less inclined towards the superficial so that acquaintances that most would consider "friends" are usually not so classified by aspies.
Beyond simple classification there are other difficulties. Those who have disposable money, tell a good story, or are ready with a joke often have many "friends" because they are able to provide the amusement that many seek. If circumstances change, the "fair weather" friends disappear. The aspie may focus more on subjects of substance rather than subjects of amusement and be seen as a "downer".
I think that one reason the Bible tells Christians to "love one another" so often is the we are so un-loveable. The natural state of the human heart is selfishness (the flesh). Often it is poverty, calamity, and war that bring people into close and deep friendship. Living in a world or relative prosperity and peace would seem to work against real friendships.
Even for Christians trying to live in the frantic and hectic world Satan has designed (for now and insofar as he is allowed by God) there is precious little time to allocate to being friends with others much less following the path of the deeper Christian life.
If you want to write, you can PM me.
Beyond simple classification there are other difficulties. Those who have disposable money, tell a good story, or are ready with a joke often have many "friends" because they are able to provide the amusement that many seek. If circumstances change, the "fair weather" friends disappear. The aspie may focus more on subjects of substance rather than subjects of amusement and be seen as a "downer".
I think that one reason the Bible tells Christians to "love one another" so often is the we are so un-loveable. The natural state of the human heart is selfishness (the flesh). Often it is poverty, calamity, and war that bring people into close and deep friendship. Living in a world or relative prosperity and peace would seem to work against real friendships.
Even for Christians trying to live in the frantic and hectic world Satan has designed (for now and insofar as he is allowed by God) there is precious little time to allocate to being friends with others much less following the path of the deeper Christian life.
If you want to write, you can PM me.
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