I need to know whether or not it is okay for a twenty-one year old to date a forty year old. Also, this forty year old man is the girl's former high school teacher. They have been good friends for six years and have established a true, honest relationship. Is this okay? I just want your thoughts on it.
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A 21 year old dates a 40 year old... okay or not?
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TheReasoner
Atheist. Former Christian.
- Mar 14, 2005
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I would fear that this relationship may be partly due to his age. Many men in their 40s go through a mid-life crisis. And I know that quite a few of them have 'lulled' women into places (relationship wise) they do not want to be. I.e. mistresses.
I would advice caution. Or simply advice against it.
I would advice caution. Or simply advice against it.
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Love is love, but I would, too, be cautious. My sister will be marrying her boyfriend who is 14 years older than her sometime this or next year, God willing--she's been dating him for about 12 years. So, it can work, but I would advise caution too.
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I'd be extra careful because of age difference. I know of several marriages with 20+ years age differences. But it is rare. Just think ahead twenty years and the age difference then a 41 year old with a 60 year old person!
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RescueAngel
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Quickly the 21 year old has to look at why they are attracted to the 40 year old man. Because if it is about an authority figure/father figure... it will feel like love probably more than ever depending on the relationship between daughter and father and what happened there and why she needs that figure now. This of course isn't healthy and will be doomed in the long run around the time she reaches 35-40.
My advice is only to speak with someone a therapists perhaps, make sure those issues aren't in play and if not and its purely love and he has not issues going on either, middle age crisis or other things, and its just two people in love in a mature healthy manor and someone who is a professional can say that to them both, go for it. But the chances of that are very slim, and that is the reality of that. But there is a chance, so if its worth it to these people...... they should take it.
My advice is only to speak with someone a therapists perhaps, make sure those issues aren't in play and if not and its purely love and he has not issues going on either, middle age crisis or other things, and its just two people in love in a mature healthy manor and someone who is a professional can say that to them both, go for it. But the chances of that are very slim, and that is the reality of that. But there is a chance, so if its worth it to these people...... they should take it.
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micbmac
Veteran
Twenty years difference is a lot. What do they really have in common? I'm afraid she may be looking for a father figure. It's kind of creepy that he was her highschool teacher in my opinion. Having said all that, it is possible that it could work out if they truly love each. Stranger things have happened right?
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micbmac
Veteran
Twenty years difference is a lot. What do they really have in common? I'm afraid she may be looking for a father figure. It's kind of creepy that he was her highschool teacher in my opinion. Having said all that, it is possible that it could work out if they truly love each. Stranger things have happened right?
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TexasGirl06
Senior Veteran
I will also offer caution.
Jump ahead a bunch of years.
At 51 (prime !), the wife will be caring for her elderly 70 yo husband.
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Even though the gap is broad, she's at the age where people start working with people all ages, and everything seems to blend more. Some 40-year olds look twenty (or act 20).
I think more of the concern might stem from him being her teacher, but even then it isn't necessarily a shady relationship. As HisArrow mentioned, there are a lot of marriages with almost as large gaps in age.
She's not a minor now, but it's okay to still be protective! Help them with some of the issues they might face -- her friends wanting to go out more, his friends wanting a respectable wife, both sets of friends adding conflict and judgment to the relationship.
She might have things she wants to accomplish in life and be setting them aside thinking they will return to her eventually... but does she know the reality of her options.
He might too. One might want kids and not the other... one might want to continue investing in school... another might want to travel. ... invest in life insurance.... or he might have to pay alimony and child support from a previous marriage. All these things can factor into any marriage, but should be looked at squarely when there's concern.
I think more of the concern might stem from him being her teacher, but even then it isn't necessarily a shady relationship. As HisArrow mentioned, there are a lot of marriages with almost as large gaps in age.
She's not a minor now, but it's okay to still be protective! Help them with some of the issues they might face -- her friends wanting to go out more, his friends wanting a respectable wife, both sets of friends adding conflict and judgment to the relationship.
She might have things she wants to accomplish in life and be setting them aside thinking they will return to her eventually... but does she know the reality of her options.
He might too. One might want kids and not the other... one might want to continue investing in school... another might want to travel. ... invest in life insurance.... or he might have to pay alimony and child support from a previous marriage. All these things can factor into any marriage, but should be looked at squarely when there's concern.
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Kaelestis721
Active Member
What society deems to be correct is not always so. Both persons are at an age where they should know themselves, and have known each other for an extended period of time...thus should know the situation better then anybody. So, I would say that they should proceed as they see fit...not as how others may see fit.
However, I will say that, while feelings are important, both should realize that extra work will be required in any sort of relationship. My cousin was married to a man who was actually older then her father. They eventually got divorced after differences in lifestyles became a very large issue. So they should follow their feelings but retain awareness that this relationship has a good chance be more difficult then most.
Edit: Just did some math and realize that a 34 year old maintained a 'good friendship' with a then 15 year old for 6 years. Hopefully I'm seeing something that isn't there, but that is a bit creepy >_>
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Yes, I was thinking about this in the car -- that if they were planning to get married (which is how I incorrectly remembered the thread), one would have to back up a few years to establish their interest in dating.
Even though you didn't mention marriage, it sounds like they are at a level of exclusive commitment. It takes time to get to a point where they wouldn't be afraid to mention that in public.
I hope this doesn't pop up on CNN.
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coffeeandmuffins
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I once had a relationship with a man 15 years older than me and in retrospect I can honestly say that I was subconsciously looking for a father/male authority figure and he seemed to fit that bill for me. Also, in retrospect, his deep fear of commitment was also a sign to me of emotional immaturity, so I guess I fit his bill as well in that sense.
It was a student/teacher relationship (not literally like your friends) where he had knowledge that impressed me and I had insights/optimism that excited him. Eventually those things worked against us, I wanted marriage and children and he seemed to be kicking and screaming the whole way, never wanting to settle down i.e. grow up. Not to mention completely different tastes in music, social and political views, fashion, you name it.
Now, I'm not saying it can't work out, but I will say it's likely that it won't and it's likely that this relationship is more about fulfilling subconscious psychological/emotional defecits. There's nothing a 40 year old man can give a 21 year old woman that a 21 year old man couldn't give her, and vice versa. Yes, men mature later and all that, but I don't think a woman at 21 has the capacity/life experience to give a 40 year old man what he needs, intellectually at least.
Ultimately it's all relative and dependent upon the level of maturity, experience, perspective, etc. but the likeliness of it being healthy and long-term IMO are not good. My grandparents are 15 years apart and have been married 50 years, but there were a lot of problems, a lot of infidelity (i.e. seeking fulfillment with people your own age) etc.
The fact that he was her teacher is really gross IMO, if he has romantic feelings for her now it means some seed was planted when she was a minor, and I find that sick. I think both of them should seek professional counseling to make sure they're not together because they have other subconscious issues.
The novelty of the age gap tends to wear off sooner than either person would like.
It was a student/teacher relationship (not literally like your friends) where he had knowledge that impressed me and I had insights/optimism that excited him. Eventually those things worked against us, I wanted marriage and children and he seemed to be kicking and screaming the whole way, never wanting to settle down i.e. grow up. Not to mention completely different tastes in music, social and political views, fashion, you name it.
Now, I'm not saying it can't work out, but I will say it's likely that it won't and it's likely that this relationship is more about fulfilling subconscious psychological/emotional defecits. There's nothing a 40 year old man can give a 21 year old woman that a 21 year old man couldn't give her, and vice versa. Yes, men mature later and all that, but I don't think a woman at 21 has the capacity/life experience to give a 40 year old man what he needs, intellectually at least.
Ultimately it's all relative and dependent upon the level of maturity, experience, perspective, etc. but the likeliness of it being healthy and long-term IMO are not good. My grandparents are 15 years apart and have been married 50 years, but there were a lot of problems, a lot of infidelity (i.e. seeking fulfillment with people your own age) etc.
The fact that he was her teacher is really gross IMO, if he has romantic feelings for her now it means some seed was planted when she was a minor, and I find that sick. I think both of them should seek professional counseling to make sure they're not together because they have other subconscious issues.
The novelty of the age gap tends to wear off sooner than either person would like.
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Romanseight2005
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My best friend married her 6th grade teacher! The age difference is about the same. They have been married now for I think about 12 years. However, they were both adults when they met again, and realized that he happened to be her teacher. Their relationship formed because they were both actors and were in a play together. If they had started a relationship while she was his student, or while she was still a teenager, it would not be good. In other words, the age difference isn't the only issue here.
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Kaelestis721
Active Member
Usually I'd agree with you...but the fact that this person posted on the forums asking for advice to the general population means that she didn't really enforce the fact that it is 'her business'.
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kevin36
Regular Member
I would be cautious, but I can't come up with a reason to say that it isn't okay.
Like has been said before, love doesn't see age; we can be attracted to and love any body.
My wife is 17 years older than I, and we haven't had a single legitimate issue in over ten years of marriage and 18 years of relationship that had anything to do with age.
You're fine.
God Bless
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x0xJesusIsLovex0x
God, is out there. Simply, need faith.
Yep, love is love, can't really do anything about it. If they love each other they love each other. The part where it freaks me out is he use to be the girl former high-school teacher? That is just plain creepy. But that's a really big gap, so I don't know.
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