I hardly know where or how to begin. I only know that last year, 2005, was the most unhappy year of my life. Some of the events actually started in 2003--they culminated in 2005. Others, well, who can say?
One might say that my own chickens are just coming home to roost--this lack of faith and lack of joy that I am experiencing. Maybe. I can recall seeing people at church who were going thru extreme difficulties, and being complimented with "Wow--they have such peace about it." Call me a cynic but, is it peace? or is it denial?
All I know is my mom died last year, after a horribly debilitating stroke. I had to have 2 operations on my neck which has left me with a horribly ugly scar and in severe pain. I had to give up nursing and my nursing license because I was slandered and falsely accused by my own doctor (!) of being a mentally unstable drug addict. Not his words, but definitely the intimation. Since I haven't been able to work for 3 years, I have used up nearly all my money--and the folks at Social Security, when I applied for disability (2x), all but told me to go out and get a job as a construction worker.
I was also accused of doing horrible things to my mother, after I had to bring her home from the nursing home (her Medicare benefits had run out--and it was bring her home or put her in a state-run home! ) Mom was at home for 2 weeks when I brought her to the hospital with severe diarrhea. To make a long story short, she died in the hospital 2 weeks after her admission. It was a complete surprise; totally unexpected.
A few days after her death, I went to the safety deposit box to get the papers I knew I would eventually need--her will, the house title, etc. Imagine my surprise when, of all things, I found formal and legal adoption papers on me. Please understand--I had never been told that I was adopted! It is not that I mind being adopted, but the shock of it was undeniable. After thinking of myself as a particular person, and finding out that I was someone and something else, I am still stunned by it today--and this was back in Nov. 2005.
So--I am/was the last surviving member of my family. A family that I am now feeling less and less a part of. I am feeling that my whole life was a fraud--that I was a fraud, that my parents did something horrible to me. the adoption papers were in the safety deposit box--nearly right on top. My mother knew that I had to find them. She had to have known that I would be shocked and hurt. That I was dealing with her loss as well as finding this out.
So--there it is. I feel as if I have lost so much; as I said in the beginning. I feel as if I have even lost myself. I could perhaps handle this better if I were younger, but I am 47 years old. The pain of losing a parent is worse too. Also, I never married nor had children--although I wanted both of them deeply. And prayed for years and years for them too.
I am just so sick of it all. So sick of crying, sick of being afraid and anxious, sick of worrying about money (I am not the best manager although I do try my best to be frugal). My health is not the best either, in addition to having severe chronic pain. I also have fibromyalgia which also contributes to the level of pain. I am sick of being in pain--both physical and emotional. I am so tired of grieving and these intense feelings of loss! And believe it or not, I am even (or shoudl I say, especially?) tired of thinking about it and saying it.
Well. Enough. You have had enough to read, and I am exhausted with typing. I have left a great deal out, although G-d knows, I am horribly unhappy over those as well. I just really need prayers; I have never felt more alone in my life, more in need of my mother, more in need of love. I am so sick of crying, feeling abandoned of G-d, sick of the physical pain, sick of the depression, you name it and I am sick of it. I just wish G-d would take me home or bring on the Rapture. I am so tired of being afraid and feeling alone and lonely.
Please help me. Thank you and G-d bless you.
I will pray that you get a lot of support during this difficult time.
