Ok... So this is kind of a long story and I'm not really even sure where to begin...
I'm 22 years-old and I grew up as a Christian. I love God and I have no doubts in my mind that He's real. He's been a major part of my life since I was twelve. Most of my family are strong Christians as well.
Anyway... Growing up, I've always had problems with making the right kind of friends. All I'd ever hoped and prayed for was to have a best friend. I thought I had one once but she ended up hurting me in the end.
Then I met this girl online. She's a Christian as well and we found out we had a lot in common with each other. Even though she lives across the country, we became best friends over months of talking to each other. My prayers were finally answered. We were addicted to each other. Even now, I can hardly go a day without talking to her...
Even though she's my best friend, I started feeling more for her, especially after we finally met. It confused me like crazy because I've always seen myself as 100% straight. I've always been guy crazy and just looking at an attractive guy turns me on. I've never even really looked at another female and been attracted to them, but yet, I was beginning to feel attraction for my best friend...
Every time she touched me or was near me, I got butterflies in my stomach and tingles shot throughout my body. I don't know if I'm just insanely hormonal or what... but I liked the feelings she was giving me and needed to be near her every chance I got.
I honestly don't know how she feels about me... Sometimes I get the feeling that she might feel the same way... Just by the way she'll look at me or touch me... -One morning, I was half asleep and I remember feeling her caressing my hair in a loving way. Normal friends don't do that... Do they?- And I sometimes get the feeling that she's more attracted to girls than guys. She'll be talking about a movie she just saw and instead of talking about the hot guy in it (like I usually do), she brings up the hot girl.
We've both talked about getting married to men in the future though and about sex, etc... And I know that two women can never actually become "One" in the intimate way that a man and woman can. The thought of doing anything sexual with another woman turns me off a bit... I do want to have sex one day with a MAN, my husband, and have kids. But then... I also want her...
To be honest, I've even struggled with pornography off and on ever since I was thirteen and over the past couple years, I've preferred watching gay MALE stuff than anything else. It's not that I enjoy seeing two men together (I don't), but I prefer just seeing men because seeing women act <staff edit> the way they do in those videos makes me sick. That's why I've also always thought I was 100% straight because I don't actually even like the female body that much. I get turned on seeing naked men way more than a naked woman.
But again... then why I do I feel this way for my female friend?
Also... I've always been against homosexual relationships, especially since it says in the Bible that they're wrong, but recently, I've begun to even question that... If God created love and is love, then how can two gay people love each other so unconditionally like some do?
Ugh. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I've tried to ignore these feelings but every time I do, they just get stronger. I even think about kissing her sometimes... and I just crave to be held by her.
Maybe it's the fact that I just want to be loved and she makes me feel that way...? I don't know.
I've never had much luck with guys. I had an incident with one when I was five that caused me to have trust issues with men. Plus most of the men in my life have been complete jerks and just gross me out or disgust me, so it's hard to even think about sharing my life with one someday...
I'm just really struggling with this. I'm afraid to tell anyone because my family might disown me or think I'm possessed... And I don't really have any other friends to talk about this with. The only friend I ever tell anything personal to is my best friend, whom I think I've fallen for...
I also get scared that she'll figure out my feelings... She's very perceptive and I'm horrible at hiding how I feel. I always have been. It's a curse. I sometimes catch myself complimenting her or flirting with her and I try to just make it off as a joke when I realize what I did or she reacts weirdly. It just really sucks.
I've even thought about moving to where she lives, just so I can be near her. It killed me the day that we had to say goodbye at the airport and I had to come back home without her. I miss her like crazy.
I might be seeing her again really soon and I'm kind of nervous about how I'll be around her... That is if I haven't figured out my messed up feelings by then... or accidentally blurted them out to her.
I just really, really need advice. I can't go on like this. It's making me literally sick feeling this way and not knowing what to do about it. I have been praying and talking to God and reading my Bible, but I still haven't really gotten an answer... Keeping something like this to myself is just really not healthy for me. I already have health problems as it is and stress is really bad for me...
I've never thought of myself as bi before but yet here I am attracted and maybe even "in love" with my best friend that's a girl. It's so messed up!
So yeah... If you have any kind of advice, other than just "Pray and read your Bible", I'd appreciate it very much. This is really hard for me to do.... But I guess I needed to get it off my chest somehow.
I'm 22 years-old and I grew up as a Christian. I love God and I have no doubts in my mind that He's real. He's been a major part of my life since I was twelve. Most of my family are strong Christians as well.
Anyway... Growing up, I've always had problems with making the right kind of friends. All I'd ever hoped and prayed for was to have a best friend. I thought I had one once but she ended up hurting me in the end.
Then I met this girl online. She's a Christian as well and we found out we had a lot in common with each other. Even though she lives across the country, we became best friends over months of talking to each other. My prayers were finally answered. We were addicted to each other. Even now, I can hardly go a day without talking to her...
Even though she's my best friend, I started feeling more for her, especially after we finally met. It confused me like crazy because I've always seen myself as 100% straight. I've always been guy crazy and just looking at an attractive guy turns me on. I've never even really looked at another female and been attracted to them, but yet, I was beginning to feel attraction for my best friend...
Every time she touched me or was near me, I got butterflies in my stomach and tingles shot throughout my body. I don't know if I'm just insanely hormonal or what... but I liked the feelings she was giving me and needed to be near her every chance I got.
I honestly don't know how she feels about me... Sometimes I get the feeling that she might feel the same way... Just by the way she'll look at me or touch me... -One morning, I was half asleep and I remember feeling her caressing my hair in a loving way. Normal friends don't do that... Do they?- And I sometimes get the feeling that she's more attracted to girls than guys. She'll be talking about a movie she just saw and instead of talking about the hot guy in it (like I usually do), she brings up the hot girl.
We've both talked about getting married to men in the future though and about sex, etc... And I know that two women can never actually become "One" in the intimate way that a man and woman can. The thought of doing anything sexual with another woman turns me off a bit... I do want to have sex one day with a MAN, my husband, and have kids. But then... I also want her...
To be honest, I've even struggled with pornography off and on ever since I was thirteen and over the past couple years, I've preferred watching gay MALE stuff than anything else. It's not that I enjoy seeing two men together (I don't), but I prefer just seeing men because seeing women act <staff edit> the way they do in those videos makes me sick. That's why I've also always thought I was 100% straight because I don't actually even like the female body that much. I get turned on seeing naked men way more than a naked woman.
But again... then why I do I feel this way for my female friend?
Also... I've always been against homosexual relationships, especially since it says in the Bible that they're wrong, but recently, I've begun to even question that... If God created love and is love, then how can two gay people love each other so unconditionally like some do?
Ugh. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I've tried to ignore these feelings but every time I do, they just get stronger. I even think about kissing her sometimes... and I just crave to be held by her.
Maybe it's the fact that I just want to be loved and she makes me feel that way...? I don't know.
I've never had much luck with guys. I had an incident with one when I was five that caused me to have trust issues with men. Plus most of the men in my life have been complete jerks and just gross me out or disgust me, so it's hard to even think about sharing my life with one someday...
I'm just really struggling with this. I'm afraid to tell anyone because my family might disown me or think I'm possessed... And I don't really have any other friends to talk about this with. The only friend I ever tell anything personal to is my best friend, whom I think I've fallen for...
I also get scared that she'll figure out my feelings... She's very perceptive and I'm horrible at hiding how I feel. I always have been. It's a curse. I sometimes catch myself complimenting her or flirting with her and I try to just make it off as a joke when I realize what I did or she reacts weirdly. It just really sucks.
I've even thought about moving to where she lives, just so I can be near her. It killed me the day that we had to say goodbye at the airport and I had to come back home without her. I miss her like crazy.
I might be seeing her again really soon and I'm kind of nervous about how I'll be around her... That is if I haven't figured out my messed up feelings by then... or accidentally blurted them out to her.
I just really, really need advice. I can't go on like this. It's making me literally sick feeling this way and not knowing what to do about it. I have been praying and talking to God and reading my Bible, but I still haven't really gotten an answer... Keeping something like this to myself is just really not healthy for me. I already have health problems as it is and stress is really bad for me...
I've never thought of myself as bi before but yet here I am attracted and maybe even "in love" with my best friend that's a girl. It's so messed up!
So yeah... If you have any kind of advice, other than just "Pray and read your Bible", I'd appreciate it very much. This is really hard for me to do.... But I guess I needed to get it off my chest somehow.
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