Ways to deal with being 31 and never having a relationship after improving

Blueskies94 · Oct 4, 2025

Hey everyone,

The topic of this thread is about putting my real self out there more often and trying to explain (if needed) the lack of dating experience. I’ll have to mention some background info.

I wasn’t raised in a Christian home. I came to Christ at 25 on a Thursday night after my sister had a tragic accident and I realized the corruption with bondage that held my family in disarray. Much of my young life was defined by low confidence and shyness. I didn’t play sports or was active in my school years. Wasn’t on the yearbook at all and picked up video games as escapism. I gained a lot of weight in college and was around 215 lbs. Most of my 20s I was obese, especially by body fat terms since I barely had muscle due to not working out. Due to being treated poorly and rarely being included in group settings and never being picked as a leader- in church, sports, or in other capacities- I never had a healthy life roadmap or experiences that I could feel good about or talk about w others.

Starting from 2 years ago, beginning of 2023, I started losing weight seriously and watching my diet, but during this time I started watching content like Wheat Waffles and FaceandLMS. These channels go into detail about what makes an attractive face and discuss how good looking men are treated by others. I don’t watch these videos anymore, but there’s a lot of truth there. Much of your confidence and self esteem stem from how people treat you going off of your looks.

I’ve attached two photos of myself (2 years ago and yesterday). I still have a little more to go in terms of losing fat. When you’ve been obese for years, you almost have to cut down to the bone to get rid of the facial bloat and abdominal fat, but I’m trying to go all in for a month and try walking 3 hours daily so I can close this season of waiting for my renewed self to end.

My only concern is how would I go about explaining- if asked, of course- why I’ve basically had no dating experience. I would not tell the story to a woman like I did here until I’m on a second or third date.

At the end of the day, my worth is based on how God sees me as His Child. I know that sounds a bit contradictory as what I said earlier (confidence based off of looks), but for my case, I need to shake off the negative experiences of being bullied, ostracized and disregarded in the past due to my obesity. The way people will treat me as a leaner and more attractive person are signs that I am truly valued and cherished by the One who made me from dust. Rinse and repeat from positive reinforcement and the low self esteem will vanish.

angelsaroundme · Oct 4, 2025

Congrats on losing so much weight. You've already done excellent!

JAM2b · Oct 4, 2025

Just tell the truth. You don't have to give all the details right away, but be authentic, genuine. Anyone worth being with will be understanding and won't see it as a reason to judge you.

Richard T · Oct 5, 2025

I too think what you have done is great. But I am going to challenge you further. To take the same "face like flint" Ezek 3:8, style that you used to lose weight and extend it to finding faith, and with that faith, a woman. See it too as a spiritual and fleshly battle. You just need to find the right woman, in the right spiritual state, at the right time. Why can so many marry but not you? Some do well beyond what we would expect too. For some unbelievers it is maybe just luck or a law of numbers. But for you? God is on your side, so again, why not you? Because I think he challenges born again men. The challenge is your faith, that you can trust God to bring you some possibilities. That you are ready for the right reasons and motivations too. How do I know, because that is working for me. So how to get that faith? Seek God, read the word, find his will and press in further and further. Perhaps too expand your borders to women that are not so local. Find God's will too. If you don't know you are to marry then what you do outside of faith is sin. Yes, it is God's will, though others will suggest otherwise. How do I know? because God said it is not good for man to be alone, that two can put more to flight, that he gives you the desires of your heart, that he is good God, that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Now if you do not desire or have need, or simply can't find the faith then maybe you are destined to be single. But I don't think so. Look at the promise to Abraham too. You and your future mate can join in on that promise. So to me this is all good news.
Some will say I am overly optimistic. Some thought Jesus too was overly optimistic in raising Lazarus. But you are not raising the dead, what you are doing what is quite common and natural but also still spiritually based as a Christian. All you need is more knowledge of God's will and a knowledge that you are in the right position with him.
may God fulfill the desires of your heart, and may the desires of your heart be in line with the will of God for the mate that is best for you. That you too would be the best for her. God bless.

jonojim1337 · Oct 5, 2025

Women are overrated. For the most part, they like to get drunk and meet whoever is the closest in their vicinity at the time.

But I understand you want a family. Maybe you can go to Russia, where the culture is different.

timewerx · Oct 7, 2025

Blueskies94 said:
I don’t watch these videos anymore, but there’s a lot of truth there. Much of your confidence and self esteem stem from how people treat you going off of your looks.

Congrats on your new look!

I can tell you why being physically fit is attractive and is not shallow - It tells other people that you don't mind working hard to achieve whatever goals you have which can include spiritual goals and being nice to other people.

Working hard towards physical fitness is more spiritual than working hard to get rich although both can communicate the idea that you work hard to achieve your goals. Money is inextricably linked with injustice that's why.

If exercise ever gets boring, starting to lose motivation, and tempted to get lazy at it, try doing another exercise. I personally went from cycling, then weight-lifting, and then running, and finally skating, running, and weight-lifting. Losing motivation a serious concern for people trying to stay fit. Switch it up and try other forms of exercise. The more fun, the better.

Trophonius · Oct 7, 2025

To be honest, I'm in the same boat at 33...

DragonFox91 · Oct 7, 2025

You look great. You looked great too back then. There's nothing there wrong then or now. You put in a lot of work & that's not easy.

My opinion is there is no guarantees in life. We can follow all the checkoff lists, do what the crowd is doing, seek out all the help we want, & we may still lose at what we want.

I always wanted to be married. It's been a struggle. Sometimes I hear people tell me 'you just got to accept it.' To me, that always sounded depressing. It also sounded like something someone who's ticked off at everything would say. It didn't sound 'right.' So it made me wonder what does the Bible say about when you 'lose' at something? It says God still has something for you & that's better for you. He sees things from his perspective, not the world's.

Anyways, most people do get married, someday you might, sometimes it just takes a ton of time. You seem very level-headed, you know the Bible, you like to exercise, you sound very articulate, you've come from a challenging background & know how to get thru adversity, those are all really good traits. But: it is also true those traits are valuable on their own, no woman is required for those things to be good.

timewerx · Oct 7, 2025

DragonFox91 said:
I always wanted to be married. It's been a struggle. Sometimes I hear people tell me 'you just got to accept it.' To me, that always sounded depressing. It also sounded like something someone who's ticked off at everything would say. It didn't sound 'right.' So it made me wonder what does the Bible say about when you 'lose' at something? It says God still has something for you & that's better for you. He sees things from his perspective, not the world's.

Marriage is often like a business transaction even from a Biblical perspective. Everyone's got a price and there's always something you can offer.

As cold as that sounds. Jesus discussed about it as little as possible and the most important part of marriage it seems is not breaking it just like a business contract. The presence of "romance" doesn't seem as important.

The modern world turns it into an overrated hype because a lot of money can be made from it.

What would be wrong in the concept of marriage is investing too much of your mind and heart in it. That would be idolatry.

If you struggle at being single, there's only two choices, either you wait for the Lord's return or get married. No need to overthink it. God only got involved in people's marriage that constituted the bloodline of Christ. After that, it's every man for himself. For you, that's entirely your decision to make with Godly wisdom ofc. If you're already financially stable, you've already done most of the work. The rest is how far you're willing to go to get married.

DragonFox91 · Oct 9, 2025

timewerx said:
Marriage is often like a business transaction even from a Biblical perspective. Everyone's got a price and there's always something you can offer.

As cold as that sounds. Jesus discussed about it as little as possible and the most important part of marriage it seems is not breaking it just like a business contract. The presence of "romance" doesn't seem as important.

It's often "sold" as fun & enjoyable, but I picture a lot of work going into it. What it really is is: you're signing up to take care of the other person & meet their needs.

Blueskies94 · Wednesday at 8:47 AM

timewerx said:
Marriage is often like a business transaction even from a Biblical perspective. Everyone's got a price and there's always something you can offer.

As cold as that sounds. Jesus discussed about it as little as possible and the most important part of marriage it seems is not breaking it just like a business contract. The presence of "romance" doesn't seem as important.

The modern world turns it into an overrated hype because a lot of money can be made from it.

What would be wrong in the concept of marriage is investing too much of your mind and heart in it. That would be idolatry.

If you struggle at being single, there's only two choices, either you wait for the Lord's return or get married. No need to overthink it. God only got involved in people's marriage that constituted the bloodline of Christ. After that, it's every man for himself. For you, that's entirely your decision to make with Godly wisdom ofc. If you're already financially stable, you've already done most of the work. The rest is how far you're willing to go to get married.

I’m actually very willing to find a spouse. I’ve been a believer for 6 years now and have grown significantly in both listening to God and comprehending the messages and patterns in my life. Applying the wisdom from sermons seems much more practical than before.

Regarding the post, I’m actually in the final stages of improving myself. I scheduled a process for jaw surgery that my dentist recommended in the beginning of last year. At the time I didn’t have a job, but now that I’m working, it’s the right time. We’re debating between whether to do the whole jaw (which is brutal and requires a year in braces) or just cut the chin bone to move forward. The latter accomplishes the same aesthetic result, which is ideal because I don’t have functional issues talking, breathing or eating. That process would finish what’s left of the underchin fat and I’d likely be very attractive and confident.

Fun facts: I used to like cars a lot as a kid and I have both wavy hair and a longer face shape like Paul Walker did. Maybe I could run with that once I’m done!!

bèlla · Wednesday at 1:33 PM

Blueskies94 said:
Regarding the post, I’m actually in the final stages of improving myself. I scheduled a process for jaw surgery that my dentist recommended in the beginning of last year. At the time I didn’t have a job, but now that I’m working, it’s the right time. We’re debating between whether to do the whole jaw (which is brutal and requires a year in braces) or just cut the chin bone to move forward. The latter accomplishes the same aesthetic result, which is ideal because I don’t have functional issues talking, breathing or eating. That process would finish what’s left of the underchin fat and I’d likely be very attractive and confident.

Why are you getting jaw surgery? Do you have a medical problem or is the procedure wholly aesthetic? You can have the excess fat removed without messing with the bone structure. Long term obesity often requires plastic surgery to deal with excess skin. But your post has undertones of looksmaxxing which is another matter entirely.

There are things you can do to improve your appearance naturally. Qoves covers this in their pieces or you can work with an image consultant. But your DNA is fixed and the face you see today will contribute to your children. Getting jaw surgery won’t necessarily improve your chances for finding a spouse or a girlfriend for that matter.

Most of the people in this forum are male. Some are six feet and some earn six figures and a few are both and they’re single. The majority have never dated or been alone for a while. Looks, height and resources aren’t the whole nor are they the qualities that will make anyone stay put long-term.

Funding a procedure out of pocket in the hope you’ll find someone is a recipe for disaster. If you were going to put money on anything it’s better spent on attire, communication and elocution. Women are typically drawn to a man’s presence more than his face and improvements in those areas will boost your confidence and aid your career.

There’s an inequitable price to plastic surgery and you have to know it before you begin. You can make alterations from the shoulders down that will remain in place if you maintain your weight and take care of yourself. But the face is different and every improvement has a cost you‘ll pay later on. That’s why no one ever has one procedure nor does it last as long. Altering one element brings others to the fore. You see the same with your weight loss. Your eyes and brows are more prominent now and will increase with age. You’d have to fill out the rest to be more symmetrical and maintain it.

Kim Kardashian is the perfect example of this principle. She was already attractive before the enhancements. In spite of her siblings attempts they don’t look the same. She looks like her mother and Kris Jenner’s recent facelift drove it home. She looks just like Kim. You can’t escape your DNA and the things that bother you today may be a godsend later on.

You weren’t single because of your obesity. Women date larger men all the time and men do the same.

~bella

Blueskies94 · Wednesday at 3:44 PM

bèlla said:
Why are you getting jaw surgery? Do you have a medical problem or is the procedure wholly aesthetic? You can have the excess fat removed without messing with the bone structure. Long term obesity often requires plastic surgery to deal with excess skin. But your post has undertones of looksmaxxing which is another matter entirely.

There are things you can do to improve your appearance naturally. Qoves covers this in their pieces or you can work with an image consultant. But your DNA is fixed and the face you see today will contribute to your children. Getting jaw surgery won’t necessarily improve your chances for finding a spouse or a girlfriend for that matter.

Most of the people in this forum are male. Some are six feet and some earn six figures and a few are both and they’re single. The majority have never dated or been alone for a while. Looks, height and resources aren’t the whole nor are they the qualities that will make anyone stay put long-term.

Funding a procedure out of pocket in the hope you’ll find someone is a recipe for disaster. If you were going to put money on anything it’s better spent on attire, communication and elocution. Women are typically drawn to a man’s presence more than his face and improvements in those areas will boost your confidence and aid your career.

There’s an inequitable price to plastic surgery and you have to know it before you begin. You can make alterations from the shoulders down that will remain in place if you maintain your weight and take care of yourself. But the face is different and every improvement has a cost you‘ll pay later on. That’s why no one ever has one procedure nor does it last as long. Altering one element brings others to the fore. You see the same with your weight loss. Your eyes and brows are more prominent now and will increase with age. You’d have to fill out the rest to be more symmetrical and maintain it.

Kim Kardashian is the perfect example of this principle. She was already attractive before the enhancements. In spite of her siblings attempts they don’t look the same. She looks like her mother and Kris Jenner’s recent facelift drove it home. She looks just like Kim. You can’t escape your DNA and the things that bother you today may be a godsend later on.

You weren’t single because of your obesity. Women date larger men all the time and men do the same.

~bella

Firstly, I do agree that most people who get plastic surgery end up looking worse, mainly because they miscalculate how the procedure affects their general proportions, or simply because they get too many procedures done and look unnatural. The difference in my case is that my dentist recommended this back in Jan 2024 for my lower jaw (picture attached) because the chin doesn’t align with my mouth. Everything on my face looks good except for that, so it’s just one feature that’s not in sync. You mentioned “looksmaxxing”. My dentist said the common cause of this was mouthbreathing and poor oral posture, the opposite of “mewing”. I don’t think it’s all genetic; I would’ve had good jaw development if I had better habits. Regrets…

Of course there are men who aren’t attractive that are in relationships, because they had a different roadmap than I did. They are likely less anxious or more extroverted or had a lot of life achievements early in life. That’s probably how they were able to have some success in dating.

This ties into the why part of improving myself physically. Generally, I base my confidence on how I look because I didn’t have the opportunity to develop skills over years due to being diagnosed with Asperger’s (which is doubtful because my parents used to fight and scream so the home trauma led to me acting out in school). Due to the diagnosis, I was put in remedial classrooms and subject to both bullying and sub-par academics. Students with an IEP had limited potential and unfortunately miss out on the pivotal elements of education and social life. I had to spend all my free time in college studying (memorizing instead of using tact) because I didn’t have the study skills that other students picked up in HS. After college due to mediocre grades, I worked a few customer service and driving roles (like Amazon) until I finally got a good role for my major in STEM 3 years ago.

I think special education in schools is despicable and it clips the wings of students that possess a lot of potential and brain power.

Sure, I have a few hobbies like running and traveled to a few states. I’ve learned Spanish to an intermediate level and have been invited to 3 weddings from the few good friendships in college (one was my roommate). That’s about it. I didn’t have the graduation-to-corporate America setting at age 22 like most of my peers did. They had good upbringings and academics which meant they had more free time to pursue traveling, hobbies, etc.

As an adult, I’m responsible for fixing myself, so I don’t blame myself for mistakes I did under 18. Most of the laziness and low self esteem in my school years were due to the bad family setting. It’s just hard to catch up in all aspects of life when you had a poor foundation. However, I believe that when I’m more attractive, I can feel good about myself the way God made me. People do treat you better when you’re lean and that confidence will become second nature.

DragonFox91 · Wednesday at 5:13 PM

Blueskies94 said:
I think special education in schools is despicable and it clips the wings of students that possess a lot of potential and brain power.

I wanted to respond to this b/c you had bolded it so it appears to be important to you & the sad reality is it's often a minority opinion:
I agree in many cases. I think it's ways to categorize people. God created individuals unique.

It sounds like despite the struggles you had, you're now doing really well, it's all working out. Keep doing what you're doing & keep those attitudes & beliefs you have. Also would you say your experiences helped you w/ God in ways they otherwise may not have?

bèlla · Wednesday at 8:34 PM

Do what seems right for you.

timewerx · Thursday at 6:42 PM

Blueskies94 said:
The latter accomplishes the same aesthetic result, which is ideal because I don’t have functional issues talking, breathing or eating. That process would finish what’s left of the underchin fat and I’d likely be very attractive and confident.

You'll probably get the remaining facial fat by combining exercise, diet, and intermittent fasting/calorie restriction with the fasting window covering your exercise session (exercising in fasted state)

It may sound hard at the beginning but the hardest part is actually the dieting part. Intermittent fasting becomes easy once adapted to it and with good timing. When you exercise, the body releases glucose into the bloodstream from the liver from "hepatic response". If you're feeling hungry before the exercise, that hunger will subside due to hepatic response increasing blood sugar levels. So combining the two is some of the easiest ways to achieve calorie restriction.

The best place to have your fasting window is naturally between dinner and breakfast and timing your exercise before breakfast accomplishes the combined intermittent fasting and exercise as long as you avoid eating nor drinking anything with calories before you exercise in the morning at the end of the fasting window. Ideally, you must do this everyday. Exercise can be light like walking but turn it up once in a while with jogging and once or twice a week, do some weight lifting.

I also had problems with stubborn facial fat. I had to do all three, exercise, diet, and intermittent fasting to get rid of it with long and intense exercise during the weekends like 3 hrs of tempo skating or cycling in the morning in fasted state and zero calorie intake during these workouts.

I don't think cosmetic surgery is an improvement unless it's really bad (not in your case) or due to an accident. I'm convinced you'll get better results just by doing more in terms of losing more weight and fat through diet, exercise, and intermittent fasting/calorie restriction, tweaking your posture. And if you can, behaving like a dad around women (not by acting like their daddy but simply behaving as good fathers do). Observe and study men who are good fathers, you'll learn a lot from them. Volunteer for good causes that involves human interaction.

It's not just the looks and sometimes, the effort to artificially tweak the looks might end up achieving the opposite, unwanted results. You're not just trying to attract women but also attracting the right ones. Women who are grounded in the truth, in reality and won't impose unrealistic demands upon you.

bèlla · Thursday at 10:07 PM

timewerx said:
It's not just the looks and sometimes, the effort to artificially tweak the looks might end up achieving the opposite, unwanted results. You're not just trying to attract women but also attracting the right ones. Women who are grounded in the truth, in reality and won't impose unrealistic demands upon you.

All relationships are the result of investment. That’s why people come together and their reasons for doing so differs. Women choose the men they’re willing to work for and that’s the why behind her yes. She knows the bulk of the cooking, domestic duties and childrearing fall on her in addition to employment. It takes more than looks to encourage someone to step into that role and remain in place.

Once upon a time that’s all she had. But we’ve been to the mountaintop and discovered other ways of being and doing things. I don’t mean that in a sinful context. The formula works for some and others need different ingredients and outcomes and that’s okay. Everyone doesn’t need to have a white picket fence in a cozy suburb to be content. It’s okay to prefer a condo in the city or something in the countryside or living as digital nomads and so on. That’s the beauty of this period.

I think we’ll see a shift in demands. Not their obliteration per se. But a collective response to things occurring in our country and the feedback we’re witnessing in this space. I expect a message to emerge that encourages greater financial autonomy and providing oneself the spoils instead of relying on another.

~bella

timewerx · 2025-10-24T06:40:51-0500

bèlla said:
All relationships are the result of investment. That’s why people come together and their reasons for doing so differs. Women choose the men they’re willing to work for and that’s the why behind her yes. She knows the bulk of the cooking, domestic duties and childrearing fall on her in addition to employment. It takes more than looks to encourage someone to step into that role and remain in place.

Once upon a time that’s all she had. But we’ve been to the mountaintop and discovered other ways of being and doing things. I don’t mean that in a sinful context. The formula works for some and others need different ingredients and outcomes and that’s okay. Everyone doesn’t need to have a white picket fence in a cozy suburb to be content. It’s okay to prefer a condo in the city or something in the countryside or living as digital nomads and so on. That’s the beauty of this period.

I think we’ll see a shift in demands. Not their obliteration per se. But a collective response to things occurring in our country and the feedback we’re witnessing in this space. I expect a message to emerge that encourages greater financial autonomy and providing oneself the spoils instead of relying on another.

~bella

Except for childbearing, I can see the dilemma. I'm living it like a single parent, doing domestic duties, caregiving, in addition to my day and night job.

I also don't think the gender roles are fixed / inflexible in the Bible. Needs to be understood in the right context.

Jesus often rebuked the Pharisees in their literal, fixed, and inflexible understanding of scriptures. There's no wiggle room for context.

I expect a message to emerge that encourages greater financial autonomy and providing oneself the spoils instead of relying on another.

I agree in both secular and Christian context. It's better to have options especially if you end up marrying a bad person or the unfortunate chance of the other dying.

There are conflicting messages but ultimately, we're not supposed to waste most of our life trying to influence just one person to become better.

bèlla · 2025-10-24T08:18:48-0500

timewerx said:
Except for childbearing, I can see the dilemma. I'm living it like a single parent, doing domestic duties, caregiving, in addition to my day and night job.

Your hands are full and it isn’t easy. But you’ve honored your parents and that’s admirable.

timewerx said:
I also don't think the gender roles are fixed / inflexible in the Bible. Needs to be understood in the right context.

That’s the formula I mentioned and there’s people who desire that on both sides. But I’ve reached a different conclusion for myself and what I want to put my time towards. I need margin in my day and don’t want a life filled with busyness or constant activity. I prefer men who do those things for themselves whether they’re single or not. If he outsources it that’s fine but he needs to know how.

There’s a couple I love on youtube. They have a homestead and they’re mormon but he isn’t the norm. He works of course and does the handiwork around the home and farm. But he also helps with the baby (and children), cooks, looks after the animals, helps with the garden and assists with the harvest and preserving too. They have one daughter and the rest are boys and they do the same. Their dynamic isn’t the norm but it’s balanced and I value that.

timewerx said:
I agree in both secular and Christian context. It's better to have options especially if you end up marrying a bad person or the unfortunate chance of the other dying.

There’s a lot of men mocking women for losing their jobs or suggesting the absence of government benefits will increase their appeal. That’s a level of callousness that’s hard to forget. We’re nearing the point where it‘s necessary to cross a threshold to reach a different pool or look beyond these shores. It’s time to shut the door on ‘pill ideologies’ and leave them to themselves.

timewerx said:
There are conflicting messages but ultimately, we're not supposed to waste most of our life trying to influence just one person to become better.

I don’t believe marriages were designed to be centered around one party. We’re too isolated now. But I remember the days when we were communal and spent time with others and gatherings were frequent. Now everyone’s an introvert and spends most of their time at home.

~bella

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