Keeping people down, who could climb up if you'd leave them alone

LovebirdsFlying · Friday at 11:51 PM

I'm sorry if this is a little too personal for The Kitchen Sink. I thought about putting it in My Two Cents, but there may be more traffic here, and I would really appreciate feedback. I originally posted this on my Facebook page. I'm transferring it here hoping for various individual views on drastic changes in a person's socioeconomic status. Specifically, apparent *resistance* to anyone making those changes, especially in an upward direction. I grew up on public assistance, raised my children on public assistance, and now realize I could have done SO much better in life if I hadn't listened to certain advice. If anyone needs any further information about my background and what led to my present feelings, you're welcome to ask.

Facebook post follows:

I am not going to share any more detail about our lifestyle and situation than (Hubby) himself is willing to share. I announce things when he announces them, not before.

But as he is showering and getting ready for work, I am thinking about how DIFFERENT things are now. Not that I am boasting. I am happy for the changes, and in a way, it makes me angry too. I want to address why the anger.

I resent that in my earlier life I had been led to believe, nay *brainwashed* to believe, that I didn’t qualify for the kind of life I have now. I was somehow not good enough. I’m not talking only about people close to me who wouldn’t teach me to drive, tried to convince me to stay with my abusive ex-husband, tried to get me to remarry him after we were divorced, were absolutely convinced that another ex-husband who was barely functional as an adult was “the perfect man” for me, and all that jazz. It’s also those social workers and program directors who didn’t want me to even try to look for a job, because they were afraid I might lose my disability benefits. If I’m doing well enough to no longer qualify for them, why do I need them? Why should I sit on my butt and do nothing just so I can qualify to keep a few paltry hundred dollars a month coming my way and live in cramped, run-down, noisy, unsafe housing, eating food that isn’t nearly as healthy as I can afford now, receiving medical care that’s barely worth mentioning? Why did so many people want to keep me at the bottom of the barrel, when I could have THIS? Why was I treated as downright delusional when I hinted that maybe I might have this one day? Just why?

Dare to dream, people. And don’t ever let ANYBODY tell you you’re not good enough to achieve it.

linux.poet · Saturday at 12:40 AM

Tell that to my dad.

Honestly, if I had no pressure at all, I would just sit around in front of my computer and do web content/online ministry all day and figure out how to get paid for it. But no, I have to find a job. Never mind the fact that I fought for 10 years to get my degrees so I could do this. Nope, nope, the Almighty Job is more important than whatever I want to do. He’s stuck in a tape loop. All the yelling and screaming and eviction cases and pressure on me really has been counterproductive. This whole process would have been a lot faster if I hadn’t had to deal with his behavior, the CPTSD, and then the complications coming from the CPTSD and the secular university and all the additional relationships with their own give and take required to navigate the illness because you can’t have a relationship that is all take and no give even though you have nothing to give. Never mind my other family members just dumping work onto me in my fallen quest to earn love. If my dad had just left me alone, my life would have been a lot better off.

I bought the domains for the websites I want to build this week. I’ve honestly had enough. It will take me forever to build them, but whatever. I know what I want this time.

————————————————————-

But that’s not really the point, and that’s not what happened to you. The social workers and program directors job is to take care of people on disability. If too many people get off disability, they lose their job. They were acting in their own best interest - their own job security - at your expense.

It’s just another form of the homeless industrial complex. Many homeless shelters and rehab programs don’t actually help people escape homelessness or get out of drug addiction because, well, their job is helping people who are homeless and suffering from drug addiction. If they fix the problem, actually, then they would be out of a job. So they offer just enough aid to keep people alive and stuck in whatever situation they are in with no hope of escape. They also give bad advice to try and keep them there.

As for why you listened to the social workers, it was probably just fear and trauma. Trauma really negatively impacts your ability to work, and your confidence in your workplace abilities. Also, you were taking care of your kids at the time, and they needed their mom. There’s an appeal in disability in the fact that it is guaranteed and you don’t have to take time away from the kids to get it, likely important when they were young. Not to mention that trauma healing takes time and effort too, and is a bear of a process on its’ own. Between trauma and kids, you already had your hands full. Working on top of that? I shudder to think of it. Not to mention that the kids have been abused too and need therapy, need Mom to be there. The social workers and program directors might also have been thinking of this too.

I mean, traumatized woman on disability with kids. She gets a job, loses the disability, loses the job, they are worse off financially, not to mention the fact that Mom needs to be there with the hurting children.

Mark Quayle · Saturday at 1:28 AM

It's not about you. Whether you cooperate or not, your life is about Christ. Just sayin'.

Robban · Saturday at 8:53 AM

LovebirdsFlying said:
I'm sorry if this is a little too personal for The Kitchen Sink. I thought about putting it in My Two Cents, but there may be more traffic here, and I would really appreciate feedback. I originally posted this on my Facebook page. I'm transferring it here hoping for various individual views on drastic changes in a person's socioeconomic status. Specifically, apparent *resistance* to anyone making those changes, especially in an upward direction. I grew up on public assistance, raised my children on public assistance, and now realize I could have done SO much better in life if I hadn't listened to certain advice. If anyone needs any further information about my background and what led to my present feelings, you're welcome to ask.

Facebook post follows:

I am not going to share any more detail about our lifestyle and situation than (Hubby) himself is willing to share. I announce things when he announces them, not before.

But as he is showering and getting ready for work, I am thinking about how DIFFERENT things are now. Not that I am boasting. I am happy for the changes, and in a way, it makes me angry too. I want to address why the anger.

I resent that in my earlier life I had been led to believe, nay *brainwashed* to believe, that I didn’t qualify for the kind of life I have now. I was somehow not good enough. I’m not talking only about people close to me who wouldn’t teach me to drive, tried to convince me to stay with my abusive ex-husband, tried to get me to remarry him after we were divorced, were absolutely convinced that another ex-husband who was barely functional as an adult was “the perfect man” for me, and all that jazz. It’s also those social workers and program directors who didn’t want me to even try to look for a job, because they were afraid I might lose my disability benefits. If I’m doing well enough to no longer qualify for them, why do I need them? Why should I sit on my butt and do nothing just so I can qualify to keep a few paltry hundred dollars a month coming my way and live in cramped, run-down, noisy, unsafe housing, eating food that isn’t nearly as healthy as I can afford now, receiving medical care that’s barely worth mentioning? Why did so many people want to keep me at the bottom of the barrel, when I could have THIS? Why was I treated as downright delusional when I hinted that maybe I might have this one day? Just why?

Dare to dream, people. And don’t ever let ANYBODY tell you you’re not good enough to achieve it.

Have you considered God`s provdence?

"Just through your belief in His providence you raise yourself to a level at which

G-d is intimately involved in your life,

in an open, beneficial way."

(from the freeman files)

LovebirdsFlying · Saturday at 10:56 AM

Robban said:
Have you considered God`s provdence?

"Just through your belief in His providence you raise yourself to a level at which

G-d is intimately involved in your life,

in an open, beneficial way."

(from the freeman files)

Of course it’s all God’s providence. He rescued me out of my previous situation. What puzzles me is why so many people wanted me to stay in it and not get out of it.

Larniavc · Saturday at 11:02 AM

LovebirdsFlying said:
Of course it’s all God’s providence. He rescued me out of my previous situation. What puzzles me is why so many people wanted me to stay in it and not get out of it.

What changed?

timf · Saturday at 12:08 PM

If you consider Indian reservations, the Roman bread and circuses, black ghettos, or Appalachia, one finds all sorts of examples of the corrosive effect of subsidization. Today there are people who make their living administering these programs and have a vested interest in their continuation and growth.

Consider that God cursed the ground for our benefit so that the selfishness of the flesh that carried us away from him would be hindered Even this was insufficient. As the imaginations of the heart were evil continually.

After the flood life became much more difficult. We now had winter and drought. We lived no more that 120 years, if that and had all sorts of diseases. These environmental and biological difficulties were sufficient to help us need each other to survive. Modern life has made it the role of government to care for us What a sad replacement for the family.

Robban · Saturday at 3:32 PM

LovebirdsFlying said:
Of course it’s all God’s providence. He rescued me out of my previous situation. What puzzles me is why so many people wanted me to stay in it and not get out of it.

I do not think it is anything new, look at a highwater mark, David ,King David.

The first 28 years of his life he was treated as an outcast by his own family.

His mother knowing why, kept silent until the prophet Samuel was sent to annoint him King.

Thereof the famous words when she broke the silence,

The stone the builders stumbled upon................

As in your case those who tried to discourage you have been proven wrong.

Why worry about it?

LovebirdsFlying · Saturday at 5:44 PM

Larniavc said:
What changed?

Please pardon the long post. This is exactly what changed.

Twenty years ago I drew a monthly disability check. I lived in slummy government housing, on EBT and Medicaid. I had to rely on public transportation, and I was washing my clothes in the bath tub. Now my husband and I are comfortably well off, not in the lap of luxury but better off than a whole lot of people. To me it *feels* luxurious, although my husband grew up this way.

The house we live in, plus three rentals and two cars, are all paid off. Hubby is 62 and says he could retire tomorrow if he chooses to, but he’s going to hang in there a little while longer. I, at 61, probably will retire, since my health won’t allow me to work steadily. In particular, I have diabetes and my eyesight is failing. I can no longer see well enough to drive. I’m visiting an ophthalmologist in November, the soonest I could get in.

Well, first of all, PRAISE ALMIGHTY GOD for sending me my husband. I should make it very clear. This is from Heaven above. I was delivered out of that situation! A lot of people aren’t.

Now I wonder why those who “knew me when,” didn’t seem to want me to leave that lifestyle. Shortly before I moved out of state to marry my husband, I was describing to my mother the kind of house I would like to own one day. I wasn’t describing some mansion. It was a modest 3 bedroom cottage-style house I wanted.

My mother shook her head sadly, looked at me with pity in her eyes, and told me with a heavy sigh in her voice that she hoped I didn’t end up like my aunt, her sister, who was “still talking about getting married one of these days.”

Please understand that my aunt, then in her late fifties, had severe intellectual disabilities and could never live independently. She functioned on about a second or third grade level. She did not have the mental capacity to get married, and she didn’t even understand that it wasn’t a possibility for her. My mother was placing my disability in the same category. To my mother, I was as stuck in my condition as my aunt was in hers. To my mother, I was as likely to own that house one of these days as my aunt was to get married one of these days.

Over her loud protests, I soon moved away to join my husband, almost 3,000 miles away from where I grew up. We waited long enough so people could no longer say, “But you just met!” Then we got married. Within 3 years, we had that house my mother didn’t think I was eligible for.

It’s now been 18 years. In that time, my husband taught me to drive and provided good enough medical coverage that for a while there, I had recovered well enough to work and could drive myself to my job. That isn’t lasting forever, but at least I proved I could. Me not driving now is an eyesight issue, not a matter of me being too stupid, or too mentally ill, or whatever they thought I was, to learn how.

My husband’s dear mother, who had welcomed me with open arms and treated me like one of her own, passed away last May. That brought us the rest of what we have. The rentals were hers. Hubby had been overseeing them for her, and now he owns them. We are now in a position to help others, and we do.

It’s true I married into this, as opposed to working four jobs and scrimping and saving every dime until I clawed my way into it. But I had thought I couldn’t even do that much, because no man of this caliber would have wanted me. That “perfect man for me” that my family approved of so hard, had an IQ just below normal. Think Forrest Gump or The Waterboy if you want something fairly comparable. I have also seen the movie portrayal of Richard Jewell, and that was almost spot on. Except that those men could go to college and/or hold jobs. That “perfect man for me” couldn’t. My family loved him because he was meek and gentle and didn’t make trouble and said “yes ma’am” when my mother spoke to him. He was a good man with a good heart. But he wasn’t capable of doing many of the things husbands do. Yet he was the best my family thought I could attract.

LovebirdsFlying · Saturday at 6:05 PM

Robban said:
I do not think it is anything new, look at a highwater mark, David ,King David.

The first 28 years of his life he was treated as an outcast by his own family.

His mother knowing why, kept silent until the prophet Samuel was sent to annoint him King.

Thereof the famous words when she broke the silence,

The stone the builders stumbled upon................

As in your case those who tried to discourage you have been proven wrong.

Why worry about it?

Very good points. They underestimated David too.

LovebirdsFlying · Saturday at 6:44 PM

timf said:
If you consider Indian reservations, the Roman bread and circuses, black ghettos, or Appalachia, one finds all sorts of examples of the corrosive effect of subsidization. Today there are people who make their living administering these programs and have a vested interest in their continuation and growth.

Consider that God cursed the ground for our benefit so that the selfishness of the flesh that carried us away from him would be hindered Even this was insufficient. As the imaginations of the heart were evil continually.

After the flood life became much more difficult. We now had winter and drought. We lived no more that 120 years, if that and had all sorts of diseases. These environmental and biological difficulties were sufficient to help us need each other to survive. Modern life has made it the role of government to care for us What a sad replacement for the family.

I once heard a preacher say that if families and churches were doing their jobs, there would be no need for government welfare programs. I don’t know to what extent I agree or don’t.

I do know that even some families have a vested interest in keeping people down. They get their identity and sense of purpose from being the caretaker. If the person they’re taking care of gets well and can function without them, then where would be their identity and sense of purpose?

LovebirdsFlying · Saturday at 7:13 PM

linux.poet said:
Tell that to my dad.

Honestly, if I had no pressure at all, I would just sit around in front of my computer and do web content/online ministry all day and figure out how to get paid for it. But no, I have to find a job. Never mind the fact that I fought for 10 years to get my degrees so I could do this. Nope, nope, the Almighty Job is more important than whatever I want to do. He’s stuck in a tape loop. All the yelling and screaming and eviction cases and pressure on me really has been counterproductive. This whole process would have been a lot faster if I hadn’t had to deal with his behavior, the CPTSD, and then the complications coming from the CPTSD and the secular university and all the additional relationships with their own give and take required to navigate the illness because you can’t have a relationship that is all take and no give even though you have nothing to give. Never mind my other family members just dumping work onto me in my fallen quest to earn love. If my dad had just left me alone, my life would have been a lot better off.

I bought the domains for the websites I want to build this week. I’ve honestly had enough. It will take me forever to build them, but whatever. I know what I want this time.

————————————————————-

But that’s not really the point, and that’s not what happened to you. The social workers and program directors job is to take care of people on disability. If too many people get off disability, they lose their job. They were acting in their own best interest - their own job security - at your expense.

It’s just another form of the homeless industrial complex. Many homeless shelters and rehab programs don’t actually help people escape homelessness or get out of drug addiction because, well, their job is helping people who are homeless and suffering from drug addiction. If they fix the problem, actually, then they would be out of a job. So they offer just enough aid to keep people alive and stuck in whatever situation they are in with no hope of escape. They also give bad advice to try and keep them there.

As for why you listened to the social workers, it was probably just fear and trauma. Trauma really negatively impacts your ability to work, and your confidence in your workplace abilities. Also, you were taking care of your kids at the time, and they needed their mom. There’s an appeal in disability in the fact that it is guaranteed and you don’t have to take time away from the kids to get it, likely important when they were young. Not to mention that trauma healing takes time and effort too, and is a bear of a process on its’ own. Between trauma and kids, you already had your hands full. Working on top of that? I shudder to think of it. Not to mention that the kids have been abused too and need therapy, need Mom to be there. The social workers and program directors might also have been thinking of this too.

I mean, traumatized woman on disability with kids. She gets a job, loses the disability, loses the job, they are worse off financially, not to mention the fact that Mom needs to be there with the hurting children.

I want to zero in on the part about program directors and social workers not really wanting the people who use their services to get better, because then they’re out of a job.

I do believe this is true. Way back in the 1960s, in the book Games People Play, the author Dr. Eric Berne described a social worker who was assigned to “helping” people in poverty look for work. Some of them had been unemployed for years. When she started knocking down their excuses, holding them accountable for their job searches, asking them to report back to her where and when they had applied, some of them did get jobs and start supporting themselves. Her superiors then criticized her for “putting undue pressure” on her clients. The fact that these people were off assistance and gainfully employed was not seen as a good thing. She was supposed to help them LOOK for jobs. Not actually GET one.

What’s short sighted about the whole thing is that there are so many out there who need help. These social workers and program directors who don’t want us to get better because then they lose a client and therefore funding—they don’t seem to realize, if they let me get better and vacate my spot in the program, untold numbers of others are waiting to fill it.

linux.poet · Saturday at 10:04 PM

LovebirdsFlying said:
I once heard a preacher say that if families and churches were doing their jobs, there would be no need for government welfare programs. I don’t know to what extent I agree or don’t.

If the church cracked down on abusers for their Scripture violations, there would be far less government welfare recipients. Abuse violates Ephesians 4:32 at a minimum, and many other verses of Scripture depending on the type of abuse. But you go through the process: confront the abuser, that doesn’t work, bring a witness to see what his behavior is like, even if it is only your kid. Maybe your neighbor in Christ. Witnessing for abuse takes longer because they cover it up. We know that. Poke, poke, poke. Then you take him to the church, you get him excommunicated. Now he can’t date women from the church anymore, he’s got the abuser label, send him away. Preferably before someone marries him, but even after. Then you provide resources and assistance to the victims. It’s really that simple.

The church wrings it’s hands over authority concerns in these types of situations, when it’s not about authority and law, it’s about sin. A man can sin against a woman, and a husband can sin against a wife, and a father can sin against his children. It is not sinful to confront sin in those in higher authority than you. Do we not challenge Satan himself for his lies and misdeeds, the authority over the world? Then why are we so weak when a woman or child comes to us with the truth?

LovebirdsFlying said:
What’s short sighted about the whole thing is that there are so many out there who need help. These social workers and program directors who don’t want us to get better because then they lose a client and therefore funding—they don’t seem to realize, if they let me get better and vacate my spot in the program, untold numbers of others are waiting to fill it.

I can’t say that is true for certain.

What I do know is that, I don’t fit the profile of “someone who needs help”, so they don’t help me. The therapists all say “you can solve your own problems”. When I confront a problem and I do the “get help” routine, I fit resources into slots. I know exactly what I want/need from them, and I say it. They don’t like that because they want control, someone they can declare incompetent. They don’t want to be a resource. They want someone they can push around, turn into a pawn to make them money.

The problem is, I know exactly what will solve the problem at hand, it’s just a resource gap that has to be filled. And meanwhile, my dad has been trying to push me around for about 32 years now, and I might as well be a mountain if you try to push or manipulate me around. They can see it coming from a mile away. I’m the kind of person who gets out of things, and they try to punish me for it. They turn what should be simple into a game. They blame me for being intelligent enough to see through their games, and they resent me for my anger at what should be simple. Eventually they give me what I ask for because that’s how they get rid of me and my anger coming at them. I make it so the only option is to help me in order to get rid of me so they don’t have to deal with me. And that’s how you win in those situations - persist, take control, and display a moderate amount of anger at their misdeeds so they are irritated enough to give you what you need in order to get rid of you.

LovebirdsFlying · Sunday at 12:14 AM

linux.poet said:
If the church cracked down on abusers for their Scripture violations, there would be far less government welfare recipients. Abuse violates Ephesians 4:32 at a minimum, and many other verses of Scripture depending on the type of abuse. But you go through the process: confront the abuser, that doesn’t work, bring a witness to see what his behavior is like, even if it is only your kid. Maybe your neighbor in Christ. Witnessing for abuse takes longer because they cover it up. We know that. Poke, poke, poke. Then you take him to the church, you get him excommunicated. Now he can’t date women from the church anymore, he’s got the abuser label, send him away. Preferably before someone marries him, but even after. Then you provide resources and assistance to the victims. It’s really that simple.

The church wrings it’s hands over authority concerns in these types of situations, when it’s not about authority and law, it’s about sin. A man can sin against a woman, and a husband can sin against a wife, and a father can sin against his children. It is not sinful to confront sin in those in higher authority than you. Do we not challenge Satan himself for his lies and misdeeds, the authority over the world? Then why are we so weak when a woman or child comes to us with the truth?

I can’t say that is true for certain.

What I do know is that, I don’t fit the profile of “someone who needs help”, so they don’t help me. The therapists all say “you can solve your own problems”. When I confront a problem and I do the “get help” routine, I fit resources into slots. I know exactly what I want/need from them, and I say it. They don’t like that because they want control, someone they can declare incompetent. They don’t want to be a resource. They want someone they can push around, turn into a pawn to make them money.

The problem is, I know exactly what will solve the problem at hand, it’s just a resource gap that has to be filled. And meanwhile, my dad has been trying to push me around for about 32 years now, and I might as well be a mountain if you try to push or manipulate me around. They can see it coming from a mile away. I’m the kind of person who gets out of things, and they try to punish me for it. They turn what should be simple into a game. They blame me for being intelligent enough to see through their games, and they resent me for my anger at what should be simple. Eventually they give me what I ask for because that’s how they get rid of me and my anger coming at them. I make it so the only option is to help me in order to get rid of me so they don’t have to deal with me. And that’s how you win in those situations - persist, take control, and display a moderate amount of anger at their misdeeds so they are irritated enough to give you what you need in order to get rid of you.

For background, I have dealt most of my life with complex PTSD and chronic major depression after suffering childhood and later marital abuse. I also have some permanent physical injuries from a car accident. (I wasn't driving, by the way, and it wasn't my car.) Currently I cannot commit to an outside job, and I am minimally functional around the house. I have to do housework in spurts until the pain becomes so great I have to stop and rest, then I do a little more. I cannot complete tasks such as vacuuming or cleaning the kitchen in one go. As mentioned before, I am also diabetic and losing my eyesight.

I've been homeless a few times in my life, both as a child with my mother, and as an adult. I've had mixed results with agencies set up to help. At one point I attended a day treatment facility for people with mental illness. They didn't want me looking for housing myself. They told me to leave that for them to find for me, while I stayed in a shelter. The shelter, noticing that I wasn't actively searching for housing, then told me I should "be more proactive." I did let them know that the day treatment facility had advised me not to look for housing, but then I decided to listen to the shelter staff anyway. At that same day treatment center, by the way, the staff told me not to get a job, because then I would lose my government assistance. That wasn't the only time I've heard a social worker say that. My then teenage children were in foster care at the time, by the way, so it wasn't a matter of leaving them unattended or not having child care. Why were these people so opposed to me taking steps to improve my station in life, so I could maybe get my children out of foster care?

Years later I was homeless another time, after a roommate decided to toss me out. I could have moved in with my mother, but then I would not have been considered homeless, and I would not have qualified for housing assistance. Besides, my mother lived in the middle of nowhere with no public transportation available, and she refused to teach me to drive. Last time I had lived in her house, in my thirties, I couldn't leave the house unless it was somewhere she was willing to drive me. I couldn't go to church, because she wouldn't go, and she would also not allow me to have anyone come and pick me up. She was worried that neighbors would see a church van pull up to her house and think she was "needy." When I told her it would just be somebody in a plain ordinary car, she snapped, "It's my house!" and ended the discussion. So, I couldn't go to church. I would not have been able to look for work, either, let alone housing, living out in the sticks with no transportation. She wanted me entirely dependent on her, just as my aunt had been entirely dependent on my grandmother. I would have more personal freedom in a shelter.

I got into a transitional shelter for women with psychiatric diagnoses. That program had a good director. She encouraged doing all we could do for ourselves, which again, I would not have had the freedom to do if I had moved in with my mother instead. The local housing agency told me, "You've done more to help yourself in a week than a lot of my clients do in a year." The shelter director agreed wholeheartedly, noting that a lot of the women there just sat around the shelter and slept all day. So I found housing within about a month, and I lived there until I met my husband. (At which point, I was cautioned not to go with him, because if I did, I'd lose my Section 8 voucher, and what if it didn't work out? I would have to start all over again.) But it did work out. Now I live in a house that is paid off, with my name on the deed, and unless something really drastic happens, I need never be homeless again.

The social workers wanted me to stay on disability. The Section 8 people wanted me to stay in government subsidized housing. If my mother had it her way, I'd still be living in her house by her rules, going to bed when she tells me to, getting up when she calls me, eating only what she shops for and cooks, when she decides it's meal time, doing chores she assigns me, going only where she is willing to take me, when she wants to go there, and having no independence or personal freedom whatsoever. Why? On the grounds that I have a mental disability, which in her eyes made me no different from my aunt. I was in my forties when I decided enough is enough, and forget that. Oh, she fought me tooth and nail to stop me from leaving.

And so did the government.

But thank God, I left.

linux.poet · Sunday at 1:23 AM

LovebirdsFlying said:
As mentioned before, I am also diabetic and losing my eyesight.

One of my surviving uncles is in a similar situation, which leads me to believe the problems are connected. Type II diabetes is curable with diet and lifestyle changes, but given your injuries and pain, those changes may be impossible. At some point, you’re just watching a medical disaster movie as a passenger in this life.

I don’t know, my friend. I am reminded of the time that I encouraged a mentally disabled friend to finish her college degree and become an editor. For me, a mental disability is not the end; nothing is ever the end.

I’m a fight until the end of the game type person; my disaster movie is the like Hunger Games. I hate it, but maybe that’s better than 2012 or Lucy or King Kong. My spirit is restless and always looks to win. But that is only me. Praise the Lord for having mercy on you and rescuing you from this terrible situation. May the glory be given to Jesus, and may he give you rest from trouble, for you have had more than your share.

I am also reminded of the plight of Christian children abused by unbeliever parents; that is not an easy problem to solve other than to give support to the spiritual orphans, as difficult as that may be, and plead for the spiritual widows who are married to unbelievers.

Larniavc · Sunday at 3:53 AM

timf said:
If you consider Indian reservations, the Roman bread and circuses, black ghettos, or Appalachia, one finds all sorts of examples of the corrosive effect of subsidization.

I think you’ll find it’s more likely the deprivation caused by a society that marginalised such areas that is the problem. America has a proud history of victimising certain peoples to it’s own advantage and then abandoning them to history.

Funny how subsidises never have that corrosive effect on businesses.

Larniavc · Sunday at 3:57 AM

LovebirdsFlying said:
Please pardon the long post. This is exactly what changed.

Twenty years ago I drew a monthly disability check. I lived in slummy government housing, on EBT and Medicaid. I had to rely on public transportation, and I was washing my clothes in the bath tub. Now my husband and I are comfortably well off, not in the lap of luxury but better off than a whole lot of people. To me it *feels* luxurious, although my husband grew up this way.

The house we live in, plus three rentals and two cars, are all paid off. Hubby is 62 and says he could retire tomorrow if he chooses to, but he’s going to hang in there a little while longer. I, at 61, probably will retire, since my health won’t allow me to work steadily. In particular, I have diabetes and my eyesight is failing. I can no longer see well enough to drive. I’m visiting an ophthalmologist in November, the soonest I could get in.

Well, first of all, PRAISE ALMIGHTY GOD for sending me my husband. I should make it very clear. This is from Heaven above. I was delivered out of that situation! A lot of people aren’t.

Now I wonder why those who “knew me when,” didn’t seem to want me to leave that lifestyle. Shortly before I moved out of state to marry my husband, I was describing to my mother the kind of house I would like to own one day. I wasn’t describing some mansion. It was a modest 3 bedroom cottage-style house I wanted.

My mother shook her head sadly, looked at me with pity in her eyes, and told me with a heavy sigh in her voice that she hoped I didn’t end up like my aunt, her sister, who was “still talking about getting married one of these days.”

Please understand that my aunt, then in her late fifties, had severe intellectual disabilities and could never live independently. She functioned on about a second or third grade level. She did not have the mental capacity to get married, and she didn’t even understand that it wasn’t a possibility for her. My mother was placing my disability in the same category. To my mother, I was as stuck in my condition as my aunt was in hers. To my mother, I was as likely to own that house one of these days as my aunt was to get married one of these days.

Over her loud protests, I soon moved away to join my husband, almost 3,000 miles away from where I grew up. We waited long enough so people could no longer say, “But you just met!” Then we got married. Within 3 years, we had that house my mother didn’t think I was eligible for.

It’s now been 18 years. In that time, my husband taught me to drive and provided good enough medical coverage that for a while there, I had recovered well enough to work and could drive myself to my job. That isn’t lasting forever, but at least I proved I could. Me not driving now is an eyesight issue, not a matter of me being too stupid, or too mentally ill, or whatever they thought I was, to learn how.

My husband’s dear mother, who had welcomed me with open arms and treated me like one of her own, passed away last May. That brought us the rest of what we have. The rentals were hers. Hubby had been overseeing them for her, and now he owns them. We are now in a position to help others, and we do.

It’s true I married into this, as opposed to working four jobs and scrimping and saving every dime until I clawed my way into it. But I had thought I couldn’t even do that much, because no man of this caliber would have wanted me. That “perfect man for me” that my family approved of so hard, had an IQ just below normal. Think Forrest Gump or The Waterboy if you want something fairly comparable. I have also seen the movie portrayal of Richard Jewell, and that was almost spot on. Except that those men could go to college and/or hold jobs. That “perfect man for me” couldn’t. My family loved him because he was meek and gentle and didn’t make trouble and said “yes ma’am” when my mother spoke to him. He was a good man with a good heart. But he wasn’t capable of doing many of the things husbands do. Yet he was the best my family thought I could attract.

I’m glad things have worked out for you. I was in a somewhat similar situation. As a child my speech therapist said I would be unable to function in the real world outside of the family.

FireDragon76 · Sunday at 4:05 AM

Larniavc said:
I think you’ll find it’s more likely the deprivation caused by a society that marginalised such areas that is the problem. America has a proud history of victimising certain peoples to it’s own advantage and then abandoning them to history.

Funny how subsidises never have that corrosive effect on businesses.

I agree. You have to be willing to look at a wider perspective and critique the system, not just individuals. American culture, particularly conservative Protestantism, has a habit of overly moralizing individuals, particularly those whose lives are deemed expendable. It's part of the exploitative and necropolitical logic of a country largely founded on settler-colonialism.

LovebirdsFlying · Sunday at 5:24 AM

Just for a visual. Please note, this is not my house. It doesn't even look like my house. But it's about the same in terms of "fanciness," similar size, similar amenities, and would be about the same value if built in my neighborhood. It just baffles me that something on this level was thought, by my own family, to be too far out of my reach to be a realistic goal. I guess I'm just trying to process that.

Ophiolite · Sunday at 5:27 AM

LovebirdsFlying said:
What puzzles me is why so many people wanted me to stay in it and not get out of it

Here are a handful of points, with tenuous connections:

If many people wanted you to stay in your situation, there were likely many diverse motives. Some of those would have been good motives, just ill informed; others would have been bad motives, relating to the personal issues of the would be "helper"; some may have been triggered by a perceived attitude from yourself; some may have been based on a stereotypical understanding of your situation.
Why worry about those motives? Celebrate the fact that you got where you think they did not want you to go, or certainly did not help you to go.
In those instances where you were actively seeking help, up until the point where you ignored the advice, the onus was on you for the consequences.
For those whose intentions were good, but recommendations bad, they deserve thanks for their compassion. For those who hoped you would stay "down", they need help. Can you give them the help that they failed to give you?
Schadenfreude
Pleased to hear you are in a good place now.

Keeping people down, who could climb up if you'd leave them alone

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

out of love attunement

Monergist; and by reputation, Reformed Calvinist

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My husband drew this cartoon of me.

"Encourage him to keep talking. He's hilarious."

Regular Member

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My husband drew this cartoon of me.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

out of love attunement

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

out of love attunement

"Encourage him to keep talking. He's hilarious."

"Encourage him to keep talking. He's hilarious."

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Recalcitrant Procrastinating Ape

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