Trusting myself or trusting God? (Seeing a testimony and trusting my faith rather than choosing to expand my heart to actually be keen to believe.

Ajj said:

Sorry for the long title.
I am not sure if I should be putting this in general struggles or encouragement threads but this about my faith after seeing a miracle. And how I probably did not genuinely converse or dwell on it but rather assume and associate. So please excuse me. I'll put this in another thread if this is not the right one. Pls notify me first so I can copy and paste, and you can check my posts about my crisis of faith.
Thanks. GB and prayers. Pray
for me too please.

Not sure if this is a trial or a normal mental issue of mines. Or a trial...
I just don't want to not believe, or to be discouraged. And I don't want to know that through a trial but rather a comfort because of my crisis of faith. I didn't necessarily feel or think that I didn't believe, but that I was left skeptical after thinking about not being able to believe in christianity from hearing a miracle. Do I believe what was said? Or am I able to remain in my faith knowing this is a trial, or just a thinking error. Or do I check what is wrong with my heart. Of course I have to check it.

I just depressively question. Like it isn't me but my illness.
I remember Sophomore year, or like a couple months ago I had started suffering from something, like apathy, that turned into a bunch of other stuff over the course until now. It wasn't really my question but it sorta just came to my head, "Why should I care?" And then everything I was doing felt pointless. I felt for the first time, depressed. But I did not reason off of that. So can I say the same for this?

I feel comfortable like as if I'm comfortable in Christ.


I can't just see it as a reason why I should not believe, I should see it as a reason to believe, not because I don't choose to, but because I should.

Both of my ears are feel hot btw, I was on the toilet.
I was on instagram just
scrolling and still just introspecting as I still think I'm in my crisis of faith that I was in ever since last week but it was more like it showed me that I'm trusting my own faith and not trusting God. Associating things I don't necessarily need to associate with.

So I was on instagram and I came across a post from Pastor Travis Hearn and I heard about his testimony of him having a stroke, basal ganglia, and basically losing his cognition, his movement, speech, emotions, etc etc. And I was like "hm okayy" and then I just remembered my own level of faith within Christ. Within christianity. I started to think presumably as if I did not believe because of my crisis of faith. It was like I thought to myself, "If I can't believe in miracles, or his testimony, then what makes me think I can believe God's miracles? If I were to see Jesus's works?" Then I almost tried to justify myself because I feared I wasn't able to believe in God's miracles, and so I went online searching for other christians who are skeptical but for me, I think it may have been false assumptions about my own faith, and then associations that distanced me.

It made me think that my heart was unable to believe because I was not seeking to believe. If I did not agree or love God how could I just find myself believing christianity from this supposed miracle?

How could I not believe in miracles? I certainly felt like I had already believed but this just felt like a false alarm. The things of prayers I believed in were of faithful requests from believers to God about actually helping others see and feel. Like to soften their heart, to let them see. I believed in those prayers, I did not necessarily believe in the literal impossible miracles. But, I thought of another video explaining how miracles are possible by InspiringPhilosophy on YT.


This made me feel or think that I did not have faith even though I was literally just chilling, feeling like I was just a little comfort living, like as if I were living for God, (check my other posts for backstory and my situation)
I quickly disliked the video, but thought about how God could be using this to show me that I'm still trusting my faith, still trusting the thoughts and feelings that I get. Thoughts and feelings that sometimes just aren't mines.
I already feel like I'm chilling in Christ as I'm on the toilet but I just don't want to dwell and doubt and then be disheartened, or even worse, lose my faith completely.
I was wondering how I couldn't just be convinced to believe in christianity after hearing of his testimony. And so that made me feel or think that I was prideful, that something was wrong with my heart and I didn't want to admit it because I was afraid of condemnation.
Please. I want to see God again. I want to believe miracles are possible. The supposed irreversible being reversed. That's impossible logically speaking. I thought I was not going to believe in God because I thought or presumed that I didn't believe in the first place. I did listen. I even felt faithful too. I just don't know what to say except for I want to believe. I want you guys to pray for me.

I do not want to deny miracles. I just want to grow my faith in God. So that I know him. That I'm safe. That I can have peace and to enjoy life, but most importantly, to live by his will. To serve others. To love others. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind.

Click to expand...