How do I make my wife feel loved when I don’t love her anymore?

KingFisher97 said:

Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months. She is miserable because I don’t love her like I did when we were dating. The truth is, I don’t. I love her like a close friends but truthfully I am completely romantically disenchanted. I want to love her and give her affection to make her feel loved but truthfully I find it so hard. I find her cute but not attractive which makes any form of physical Intimacy hard when you feel like you’re kissing, hugging, having sex with your best friend. I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that. This has been a huge factor in my falling out of love. A lot of it has to do with her behavior as she has bipolar like mood swings what seems like daily. The truth is, I’m not here to rant. I truly want rekindle my love for her. I want to touch her again and not cringe or be able to look deeply and lovingly in her eyes without feeling uncomfortable. Above all though, I want to love my wife to please my Father I’m heaven and to love her like Christ loves his church. I pray and pray daily that God would aid us but to avail though I trust He is always at work. I want no pity but real ways that I can rekindle my love for my wife or if that is impossible to be able to love my wife and make her feel loved selflessly?

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If you want someone to know you love them, then always think about and do what is in their best interest. That's what selfless love looks like. You might begin by trying to discover what she wants. Ask her about her dreams, her goals, and how you can help.

Love is NOT a feeling, its a series of actions. Kindness, compassion, tenderness, mercy, grace, etc,etc.

"I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that."

And because you now feel that way you have an underlying resentment. To fix your problem you will HAVE to deal with this resentment...

KingFisher97 said:

Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months. She is miserable because I don’t love her like I did when we were dating. The truth is, I don’t. I love her like a close friends but truthfully I am completely romantically disenchanted. I want to love her and give her affection to make her feel loved but truthfully I find it so hard. I find her cute but not attractive which makes any form of physical Intimacy hard when you feel like you’re kissing, hugging, having sex with your best friend. I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that. This has been a huge factor in my falling out of love. A lot of it has to do with her behavior as she has bipolar like mood swings what seems like daily. The truth is, I’m not here to rant. I truly want rekindle my love for her. I want to touch her again and not cringe or be able to look deeply and lovingly in her eyes without feeling uncomfortable. Above all though, I want to love my wife to please my Father I’m heaven and to love her like Christ loves his church. I pray and pray daily that God would aid us but to avail though I trust He is always at work. I want no pity but real ways that I can rekindle my love for my wife or if that is impossible to be able to love my wife and make her feel loved selflessly?

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May I suggest two men who have helpful insights into relationships. One is pastor Jimmy Evans, the other is also a pastor, Mark Gungor.

It helps to know that romantic love is like the starter motor on your car. It gets things going but it is not there for the long run. Check out 1 Corinthians 13. You will find not one word about feelings in God's definition of love. Also be aware that human love is fallible, conditional and easily turns to hate when offended. It's nothing like God's love. If you are born again, you have God's love in your heart. Jimmy Evans is excellent on this subject and he speaks from his own experience.

Mark Gungor is entertaining as well as informative. His view is balanced also, which is rare. You won't hear an anti male diatribe from him. You will get some excellent insight and relationship help, much of it practical.

My husband wasn't religious and I hung into there until his death 13 years later. Being in a relationship with a non-believer can be tough, but I focused on Jesus instead of my marital problems and I grew deeply in my faith. I prayed for my husband, but the choice was ultimately up to him as to whether he wanted to practice his faith or not.
In the meantime, I tried my best to be a good wife to him. It wasn't easy, but getting closer Jesus made it worth it.

Act as if you did love her?
Maybe find out her love language and focus on that for maximum value?

These are just ideas. I am not an expert at all on relationships.

KingFisher97 said:

Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months. She is miserable because I don’t love her like I did when we were dating. The truth is, I don’t. I love her like a close friends but truthfully I am completely romantically disenchanted. I want to love her and give her affection to make her feel loved but truthfully I find it so hard. I find her cute but not attractive which makes any form of physical Intimacy hard when you feel like you’re kissing, hugging, having sex with your best friend. I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that. This has been a huge factor in my falling out of love. A lot of it has to do with her behavior as she has bipolar like mood swings what seems like daily. The truth is, I’m not here to rant. I truly want rekindle my love for her. I want to touch her again and not cringe or be able to look deeply and lovingly in her eyes without feeling uncomfortable. Above all though, I want to love my wife to please my Father I’m heaven and to love her like Christ loves his church. I pray and pray daily that God would aid us but to avail though I trust He is always at work. I want no pity but real ways that I can rekindle my love for my wife or if that is impossible to be able to love my wife and make her feel loved selflessly?

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mood swings in one's spouse can be maddening; they tend to spawn mood swings in one's self as well. in order to guard yourself against reacting to her mood swings with your own moods swings, don't let her mood swings affect how you treat her. love is a commitment; feelings should be a part of love, but love isn't moved by feelings, good or bad. invite her to join your time in the Bible each day (if you don't read the Bible much, then start - God can't help you with this unless you have your ear inclined to hear Him, and reverencing His word enough to spend time with it each day is the only way to regularly incline your ear to His leading and direction).

remember your vows - if all you get for a while in worse, poorer, sickness, etc. - follow God's example, and overcome through love.

(Psa 15:1) A Psalm of David. LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?
(Psa 15:2) He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart.
(Psa 15:3) He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.
(Psa 15:4) In whose eyes a vile person is contemned; but he honoureth them that fear the LORD. He that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not.
(Psa 15:5) He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved.

Encourage everyone to watch "Marriage Today" Those Daystar televised programs are on Sundays

youtube Has "Return to intimacy" plus others

Additionally, their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.

Hi @KingFisher97 ,

I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but there are things you can do to help your situation.

First, you need to recreate the patterns you had when you cared enough about her to marry her. You probably spent 15 - 20 hours per week interacting with each other on dates and other events where your attention was undivided. This type of time is essential for maintaining romantic love in marriage. You can't shift your behaviors and patterns and expect the same results. Schedule 4, four hour dates out of the house (so no distractions) doing recreational activities each week. The dates should be set aside to bolster each other's love banks - no relationship talk or conflict resolution during them. Compartmentalize difficult conversations for another time.

Second, is there something you are doing that your wife is complaining about? If so, stop it. You are withdrawing units from her love bank, which could cause what you refer to as her mood swings. If they are worse now than while you were dating, they are likely due to something that changed in the relationship.
How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife : Marriage...

Third, when you are upset or angry with her, do you have anger outbursts? How do you express your anger to her?

Looking forward to your reply.
E.

If you decide to love her you will. Loving means making someone else live better, how do you do this? by making the person's needs as important as yours and doing what you can to help her. God bless

KingFisher97 said:

Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months. She is miserable because I don’t love her like I did when we were dating. The truth is, I don’t. I love her like a close friends but truthfully I am completely romantically disenchanted. I want to love her and give her affection to make her feel loved but truthfully I find it so hard. I find her cute but not attractive which makes any form of physical Intimacy hard when you feel like you’re kissing, hugging, having sex with your best friend. I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that. This has been a huge factor in my falling out of love. A lot of it has to do with her behavior as she has bipolar like mood swings what seems like daily. The truth is, I’m not here to rant. I truly want rekindle my love for her. I want to touch her again and not cringe or be able to look deeply and lovingly in her eyes without feeling uncomfortable. Above all though, I want to love my wife to please my Father I’m heaven and to love her like Christ loves his church. I pray and pray daily that God would aid us but to avail though I trust He is always at work. I want no pity but real ways that I can rekindle my love for my wife or if that is impossible to be able to love my wife and make her feel loved selflessly?

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You love her enough to tell her the truth and let her go. She might feel the same way. Life is too short to stay with someone you are not in love with anymore. I don't mean to promote divorce but it is not fair to either of you if the love is gone. It will just cause you to resent each other, feel stuck and trapped and eventually sin. You need to talk to her. The sooner the better.

KingFisher97 said:

Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months. She is miserable because I don’t love her like I did when we were dating. The truth is, I don’t. I love her like a close friends but truthfully I am completely romantically disenchanted. I want to love her and give her affection to make her feel loved but truthfully I find it so hard. I find her cute but not attractive which makes any form of physical Intimacy hard when you feel like you’re kissing, hugging, having sex with your best friend. I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that. This has been a huge factor in my falling out of love. A lot of it has to do with her behavior as she has bipolar like mood swings what seems like daily. The truth is, I’m not here to rant. I truly want rekindle my love for her. I want to touch her again and not cringe or be able to look deeply and lovingly in her eyes without feeling uncomfortable. Above all though, I want to love my wife to please my Father I’m heaven and to love her like Christ loves his church. I pray and pray daily that God would aid us but to avail though I trust He is always at work. I want no pity but real ways that I can rekindle my love for my wife or if that is impossible to be able to love my wife and make her feel loved selflessly?

Click to expand...

The first year of marriage is the hardest. Let me ask you this, was she different because you treated her like Christ loved the church and then once the mystery was gone and you got to see the good with the bad.... the for better for worse....you decided you couldn’t treat her the same as the beginning? Maybe now she’s moody because she doesn’t feel loved? A woman will most likely mirror how you feel about her. She can feel it. If you feel up and down about her she will feel that way in her emotions. It’s important to be the right spouse than to marry the right spouse.
You can have the marriage you want if you believe what you tell your self. Take 30 days pray for her. And every morning when you wake up say how wonderful she is to yourself find 2 things you like about her everyday. See if your perspective changes. No one is perfect.

Most everyone gets married with idealized expectations of what marriage should look like. When we are dating - we project the best image of ourselves. Then we get married and things seem great - because every experience is new and we overlook imperfections/differences in our spouse. After awhile - those differences are not so cool - even repulsive. We start wanting our mate to be like their perfect self - like when we were dating. We may even start questioning our choice in marrying them.
When my wife and I got married - we went to a Christian Marriage Seminar called "Weekend to Remember". Best thing we every did. We found out that every marriage has difficulties (not just ours). We heard that we need to think of our spouse as a "team mate". We learned that, as "team mates", we need to compliment each other in our abilities/weaknesses. We learned that we needed to appreciate one another for how God made them and learn to love even their weaknesses. Most of all - we needed to pray for our marriage daily - because spiritual attacks will come at us. All of this was so revealing to us because we thought we could just handle everything on our own. Not so. Marriages need help and support!! There are some great Christian counselors out there if you need. Check out Christian Family websites for counseling resources. God Bless and Prayers for your marriage to be strong despite difficulties!

catch_the_music said:

Most everyone gets married with idealized expectations of what marriage should look like. When we a

catch_the_music said:

Most everyone gets married with idealized expectations of what marriage should look like. When we are dating - we project the best image of ourselves. Then we get married and things seem great - because every experience is new and we overlook imperfections/differences in our spouse. After awhile - those differences are not so cool - even repulsive. We start wanting our mate to be like their perfect self - like when we were dating. We may even start questioning our choice in marrying them.
When my wife and I got married - we went to a Christian Marriage Seminar called "Weekend to Remember". Best thing we every did. We found out that every marriage has difficulties (not just ours). We heard that we need to think of our spouse as a "team mate". We learned that, as "team mates", we need to compliment each other in our abilities/weaknesses. We learned that we needed to appreciate one another for how God made them and learn to love even their weaknesses. Most of all - we needed to pray for our marriage daily - because spiritual attacks will come at us. All of this was so revealing to us because we thought we could just handle everything on our own. Not so. Marriages need help and support!! There are some great Christian counselors out there if you need. Check out Christian Family websites for counseling resources. God Bless and Prayers for your marriage to be strong despite difficulties!

Click to expand...

re dating - we project the best image of ourselves. Then we get married and things seem great - because every experience is new and we overlook imperfections/differences in our spouse. After awhile - those differences are not so cool - even repulsive. We start wanting our mate to be like their perfect self - like when we were dating. We may even start questioning our choice in marrying them.
When my wife and I got married - we went to a Christian Marriage Seminar called "Weekend to Remember". Best thing we every did. We found out that every marriage has difficulties (not just ours). We heard that we need to think of our spouse as a "team mate". We learned that, as "team mates", we need to compliment each other in our abilities/weaknesses. We learned that we needed to appreciate one another for how God made them and learn to love even their weaknesses. Most of all - we needed to pray for our marriage daily - because spiritual attacks will come at us. All of this was so revealing to us because we thought we could just handle everything on our own. Not so. Marriages need help and support!! There are some great Christian counselors out there if you need. Check out Christian Family websites for counseling resources. God Bless and Prayers for your marriage to be strong despite difficulties!

Click to expand...

How do you get past the fact that he said he doesn't love her anymore. You obviously still loved your wife. I cannot imagine being with a man who didn't love me anymore. No counseling in the world can make him love her again and you can't help the way you feel. It just leaves him wide open to infidelity because the love he has is there- just not for her.

April p said:

The first year of marriage is the hardest. Let me ask you this, was she different because you treated her like Christ loved the church and then once the mystery was gone and you got to see the good with the bad.... the for better for worse....you decided you couldn’t treat her the same as the beginning? Maybe now she’s moody because she doesn’t feel loved? A woman will most likely mirror how you feel about her. She can feel it. If you feel up and down about her she will feel that way in her emotions. It’s important to be the right spouse than to marry the right spouse.
You can have the marriage you want if you believe what you tell your self. Take 30 days pray for her. And every morning when you wake up say how wonderful she is to yourself find 2 things you like about her everyday. See if your perspective changes. No one is perfect.

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But he doesn't love her anymore. Saying nice things about her isn't going to change that. When you don't love someone anymore nothing can bring that back. You can't talk yourself into loving them. You are just kidding yourself. He got married too young is the problem.

You know Scripture reveals God's standard and He knows we have to have His help to follow Him and His Word - in every area of our lives.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" Eph 5:25

Asks the Lord to help you do what His Word says for you to do.. You can have a successful marriage with her because of God.

Our impediments to love are often the effect unpleasant experiences have upon us. We aren’t responding to the person. We’re reacting to the circumstances or behavior that wounded us or destroyed our trust.

We wanted better. We expected more. That’s the problem. Unconditional love isn’t predicated on conditions or certain treatment. It exists on its own.

I wrote this earlier. I think its apropos.

I love you. Love is not possession. It isn’t dependent on demands or expectations. The current conforms as needed. Whether its embraced or locked away in a box out of sight. The container can’t restrain it or dull the flame.

I love you enough to be your companion, friend, or memory.

That’s agape.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

tturt said:

You know Scripture reveals God's standard and He knows we have to have His help to follow Him and His Word - in every area of our lives.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" Eph 5:25

Asks the Lord to help you do what His Word says for you to do.. You can have a successful marriage with her because of God.

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How can he do that if he does not love her anymore? You cannot help the way you don't feel, and you cannot force yourself to love someone you are not in love with! Think about one of your exes who just didn't do it for you anymore. Imagine looking at eternity with that person! So much of the advice being given to this man is easier said than done. In a perfect world, we know what the Bible says and how we are supposed to view marriage but when you are living it, it is a different story. Have you ever felt trapped with someone who repulsed you? Everything they did and said just got under your skin, you had nothing in common anymore and you found yourself highly attracted to other people and you felt like you had made a huge mistake? You probably didn't marry that person and for good reason. You were too young, and it just didn't work out. Imagine if you had. None of us can imagine what he is probably going through right now but I don't think it is right to make him feel so guilty about not being in love anymore. God wants us to have loving marriages but He also wants us to be true to ourselves. Thou shalt not lie. It is one of the 10 commandments and if we are saying " I love you" to someone that we don't love, then we are Lying every day. To me staying in this relationship is living a lie and it is wrong.

bèlla said:

Our impediments to love are often the effect unpleasant experiences have upon us. We aren’t responding to the person. We’re reacting to the circumstances or behavior that wounded us or destroyed our trust.

We wanted better. We expected more. That’s the problem. Unconditional love isn’t predicated on conditions or certain treatment. It exists on its own.

I wrote this earlier. I think its apropos.

I love you. Love is not possession. It isn’t dependent on demands or expectations. The current conforms as needed. Whether its embraced or locked away in a box out of sight. The container can’t restrain it or dull the flame.

I love you enough to be your companion, friend, or memory.

That’s agape.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

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What about in terms of love that isn't? Thats all well and good but not if you dont love them anymore. Thou shalt not lie. Thats a commandment. So do you spend every day breaking that commandment when you don't love them anymore? Even more, do you base your whole life around that lie and LIVE IT? I think not. We have a merciful God and if he got married too young and went to God and explained that and repented and showed real true remorse, it could be forgiven. The truth shall set you free, and if the love is gone, why not be honest and let her go so that she might find someone to spend her life with that will love her the way she deserves to be loved?

Jaxxi said:

What about in terms of love that isn't?

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If you want an exit its easy to find. You have numerous grievances and discomforts to choose from. But we should tell the truth nonetheless.

An absence of love isn’t the problem. It’s a convenient excuse that warrants sympathy. The problem is your unwillingness to rekindle the love. You don’t think they’re worth it.

You don’t want to invest the time, energy, or emotional upset to get there. A clean slate is easier and more appealing than a broken one.

Your comfort is more important than the other...than the vow...than the effort. But you won’t admit that. It makes you sound selfish and heartless. Saving face is more important than telling the truth.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

There aren't any attached conditions to "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" Eph 5:25

Kingfisher97 is asking for Christian advice.

The first couple was united by God. Jesus told them about how Moses handled but "And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10

When we become married, we serve each other. Kingfisher 97 is asking how to make his wife to feel loved. Marriage requires a Christlike love - shown in the Eph 5:25 above.

We're to keep our vows Psa 15:4, Matt 5 Again, we can do it with God's help. God is always the answer.