I'm 35 and i'm only now just starting to find and accept God, i know 35 is still fairly young but it is pushing middle age and i wish i had reached this point about 20 or 25 years earlier, i have wasted so much time by not doing so. I had a very traumatic childhood, i was bullied very badly for many years at school and also abused at home by my parents. When i reached early adulthood i couldn't cope with getting out of bed most days, so going out and getting a job and facing the world seemed impossible. I didn't find a healthy way to deal with the abuse and to heal from it, even now i still haven't really healed from it. It still haunts me and still has an impact on my life.
When i was growing up i didn't really feel God, my parents aren't believers so i wasn't brought up in an environment where i was encouraged to seek God. When i was bullied and abused i didn't feel God in my life at all, i just felt alone and then since i have been an adult i have spent most of it distant from God. i have spent lots of time thinking about God but i always came to the conclusion that i was Agnostic. I also felt angry with God at times, blaming God for the abuse but now i realise that God is not to blame for choices people make.
Over the years i have dealt with the trauma of my past in negative and destructive and self-destructive ways. I have had long periods of unemployment, internet addiction, inappropriate content addiction, problems with binge eating, got into debt, had problems with alcohol and (i'm very very ashamed of this) ended up with a criminal record among other things. I used to think that these things made me feel better but then i realised they didn't at all, they might have given me a quick high but they caused far more misery in the long run. i also thought that i was entitled to behave like that as it was my way of coping with the pain i was going through. In recent years i've started to realise how wrong i was and i have turned away from some of my bad old habits and ways completely, while i have reduced the prominence of others i haven't stopped them completely (i still like a drink sometimes but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be)
I also have Borderline personality disorder, Avoidant Personality disorder, anxiety. social anxiety and often depression, so these things make life very difficult sometimes.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i realise i have sinned quite a lot over the years. What happened to me as a child and the abuse and bullying wasn't my fault, but how i chose to deal with it in adulthood and choices i made were. And i realise that using it as an excuse to behave badly myself is bad. I do regret and repent for this, i wish i had got into a decent therapy and accepted God a lot earlier than this.
Do you think God will punish me for taking so long to even start accepting and seeking him and for my sins over the years? I feel like i have actually been punishing myself for all this time, as i look back and realise how unhappy i was and how much i've hurt myself by doing this. But i do wonder if i still face punishment from God too.
When i was growing up i didn't really feel God, my parents aren't believers so i wasn't brought up in an environment where i was encouraged to seek God. When i was bullied and abused i didn't feel God in my life at all, i just felt alone and then since i have been an adult i have spent most of it distant from God. i have spent lots of time thinking about God but i always came to the conclusion that i was Agnostic. I also felt angry with God at times, blaming God for the abuse but now i realise that God is not to blame for choices people make.
Over the years i have dealt with the trauma of my past in negative and destructive and self-destructive ways. I have had long periods of unemployment, internet addiction, inappropriate content addiction, problems with binge eating, got into debt, had problems with alcohol and (i'm very very ashamed of this) ended up with a criminal record among other things. I used to think that these things made me feel better but then i realised they didn't at all, they might have given me a quick high but they caused far more misery in the long run. i also thought that i was entitled to behave like that as it was my way of coping with the pain i was going through. In recent years i've started to realise how wrong i was and i have turned away from some of my bad old habits and ways completely, while i have reduced the prominence of others i haven't stopped them completely (i still like a drink sometimes but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be)
I also have Borderline personality disorder, Avoidant Personality disorder, anxiety. social anxiety and often depression, so these things make life very difficult sometimes.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i realise i have sinned quite a lot over the years. What happened to me as a child and the abuse and bullying wasn't my fault, but how i chose to deal with it in adulthood and choices i made were. And i realise that using it as an excuse to behave badly myself is bad. I do regret and repent for this, i wish i had got into a decent therapy and accepted God a lot earlier than this.
Do you think God will punish me for taking so long to even start accepting and seeking him and for my sins over the years? I feel like i have actually been punishing myself for all this time, as i look back and realise how unhappy i was and how much i've hurt myself by doing this. But i do wonder if i still face punishment from God too.