Afraid of losing my son

So my son is 1yrs old. He just started having health issues like a few weeks b4 he turned ome. Turns out he's neutropenic. I went to a blood and cancer center for children and though his white blood cells went up to 6k from his last hospitalization which were at 0.

At first things seemed well-- the Dr said he sees signs but not enough of a red flag to collect bone marrow which scares me bc thats such a painful procedure. Painful enough to make a grown man cry and my baby may have to endure that.

....

So i went home feeling ok then i got a call from the children's hospital and they told me his blood cells was atypical and large common in those with bone marrow issues or leukemia.

I go back friday to get clarity but im afraid.
----

Even more afraid bc im expecting again with my bf. A girl this time and im afraid her fate may be the same. I found out i was expecting in Friday the 13th and her due date April 1st ( April fools)

Just seems like my life is a joke and would be the biggest F you if i lose both kids.

My faith is way too broken to believe in healing bc i dont want try with my broken doubtful mind to attempt to believe the best and my son dies anyway. That's incredibly traumatic.

Idk. Id appreciate advice from someone who has lost a child or parent bc i cant handle platitudes right now.

I so deeply wish I could switch places with my son. This is hard to watch and walk. . My grandma on my dad's side passed from leukemia and i learned with my son that im a carrier for Alpha Thalesemia so... I feel responsible. him through.

disciple Clint said:

My heart and prayers go out to you, my thought would be that you ask the doctor about support groups.

Click to expand...

I will bc my family is no help. Theyre yelling at me for petty things during this time. I dont trust them bc i feel they keep showing the worst side of themselves when I need them.

Phoebe Ann said:

Children are more likely to recover from leukemia that older people. My late husband's nephew had leukemia and recovered.

There was a lot of cancer in my dad's family. One sister of mine died at age forty-five. Another in her early fifties. My mother lived to be ninety-three. I'm in my seventies. It looks like a lot of us are praying for you and your son.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

BYW, 2 of my children had spinal taps when they were young. They both tested negative for meningitis. Praise God!

Click to expand...

True but its happening so early for my son. Hes only one. So idk ehat the outlook is like for that.

disciple Clint said:

My heart and prayers go out to you, my thought would be that you ask the doctor about support groups.

Click to expand...

I will. If it turns out to be what I think.

So. I told my mother abt going to Syds appointments on Friday 3 times-- three yesterday. Now comes today and my mom has an issue. She said," Well she just gonna have to wait" ( For rhe record youre not telling me to wait-- youre telling Syd to wait. Youre telling his Leukemia to wait and it won't.)

She then said, "if your dad keeps missing days he wont be able to settle ( they were in a car accident. They need to complete so many appointments so they can settle)

So money is more important.

Then she gave me no apology just told me to make cornbread.
.....

Ive decided if Syd passes. Im just going to a women's shelter.

I can deal with this level of evil.

turkle said:

I'm so sorry that you both have to go through this. I also had a very sick child who was seriously disabled her whole life until she went to be with the Lord at age 12.

It is natural to be fearful for both your son and your unborn daughter. The trouble is, fear helps nothing, solves nothing, and can be harmful for your pregnancy. Fear leads to poor decisions and behavior. I had to learn to stop fear in myself when I was dealing with emergency after emergency. The fear would creep up, and I would reject it by the blood of the Lamb. I prayed for clear thinking as I had to make many difficult medical decisions. God was faithful, and He led me through them all.

My daughter's death was gut wrenching, but peaceful at the same time. I knew that she was finally able to release her broken earthly body for her perfect heavenly body. This gave me peace, and allowed me to move forward with my life after her death.

There is nothing easy about having an ill child, but I know that if you depend on the Lord that He will lead you through it. He did that for me.

Click to expand...

Im so sorry to hear. I just feel i cant really pray righ now bc I have so much darkness around me. Just really rude mean people that wont help or kick me while im down or insult me.

And these people are family members. Praying right now seems to be asking for too much.

My son's illness reveals so much. It shows me I cant trust my family and my relationship with my mom will never be the same. Also my faith is made of much. Im no better than a demon. I just believe God exists and just hopes he takes me to heaven after this life is over. That is if he sees me fit to enter. However, i just dont believe in healing or anything else for myself for others yes me no. I see now Im not a true christian bc this will do me in. Christians are overcomers. Im not. Grief will consume me.

I've always been in a dark lonely place with God. He rarely speaks to me and it is the same now. Has been for 10yrs. I never felt his presence or peace or being led or just God telling me what to do.

I just feel alone in this and I dont want to beg and cry and twist Gods arm to make Him care about my situation when in his sovereignty he will still do what he wills despite how I feel.

Thats so traumatic and painful for me.

Phoebe Ann said:

IDK either. But whenever I'm scared or worried, I pray.

Click to expand...

Yeah but i just have a toxic view of God. I always feel like he hates me or is laughing at my down fall. If I lose my son it'll be confirmation.
If i had to be honest right now I dont like or love God. I question my own salvation. ( yes Ive been baptized water and HS) good christians let trials bring them twds God...however I find comfort in pulling away and just sitting my faith down for a while.

I dont think in my heart Im a real christian. I feel the harder it gets Ill just turn away. I cant do this esp if God is silent. I can't. Idk I dont want God anymore anyway. If God gave me a choice between him anf everything I want ( good health for me and my son, finances, friends ect) Id just leave God.

Just being honest.


Im not a good christian I should stop now. I iust dont feel like trusting God not with this. Way too hard.

Phoebe Ann said:

I'm very sleepy right now but I'll keep praying for you.

Click to expand...

Its ok get sleep.

Jeshu said:

Yet it would be such a wise decision. Whatever way this ordeal will go with Him onside you can weather the storms, while alone you most likely suffer far worse.

Faith in God's love means that you trust Jesus to have paid your price and failure being a good Christian, He can rebuild you to be able to stand the pressure. All good comes from God why would you leave Him for anything less?

The truth is satan is preying after the lives of your children and you contemplate leaving God? While He is the God of life? Please reconsider those things.

In life and in death you would want Him as God, if you but realised how good it is to have Him on-board.

Click to expand...

I think im gonna finally get on medication.