Am I two people? What is my true self, the good or the evil?

Elfkind · Sep 24, 2020

I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

venksta · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

Your true self, is your identity in Jesus. You have shared you have a servants heart. I too have that desire for the Lord, to serve Him where I can. I spent many years, serving God at church, while under the thought I was not worthy to even be there. It wasn't until he revealed himself to me, that I started to understand his grace. But it took me to confront him directly, and ask him who I was really, when I finally allowed him to break me, and turn to him with my full heart. The world had no identity for me. Only in Jesus, I discovered my life and could finally see how God had been beside me, even when I was the most terrible sinner, as far as I was concerned.

The more time you spend here on the forums, learning from others, especially allowing God to take notice of other fellow servants, you will see you are not alone in your struggles. There are those who are currently walking in their life, towards the point you are now, and there are those who are passed the point where you are now. There are many here who have seen "the depths of Satan", yet God is using them mightily in his kingdom. I just read that term the other day in revelations, and I would say, I have seen it too.

One of the greatest tools the enemy used against me, and still tries now, is to make me think I am alone in my sin, and suffering. That no one has done as worse as I have. This is a lie. Jesus shows we share in our suffering, no matter what it is. And if you start reading threads here, by others, you'll start seeing your experience is not alone.

You may find spending some time reading Romans 7-9 helpful, in regards to the sins, we still struggle with, even with faith in Christ.

God bless you. May you continue to be lead by God into his rest.

Elfkind · Sep 24, 2020

Thanks a lot for your frank and honest answer. I would probably be torn to shreds anywhere else then here, admitting I have weakness in me. I can see you are correct in every word you said here, and there's much wisdom in what you write. Thanks a lot again, I've gotten food for my thoughts, and a great relief - ironically - in your sins, knowing that you too are weak, and know what I'm talking about.

Be blessed "venksta". I wish for you a really nice day.

Jeshu · Sep 24, 2020

You will find your true self in Christ, and in Him alone. Untrue self we gather through our big I, it is this within we have to fight the hardest. To be humble and aware of your sin gives you a meek heart. Just like our Lord has.

Please do not make the mistake to think that the accuser in your guilty conscience is god or from god, he accuses us with sin and then gets us to sin again so he can gain control over our feeling world. The devil and his henchmen hate you to love God and neighbour, but honest it is the best way to follow. The more love for God grows in your heart the easier it is to break with sin.
Eating grace is the best diet you can be on for that teaches to love Jesus.

Be of good courage and let God's love also take control of the darker parts of your heart, honest it is amazing what He can do with us when we let Him.

Peace.

Albion · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life.

Alv, there are many doubts we have when it comes to the fine points of religion, but if there is one theme in the New Testament that is as strong as anything that can be found anywhere in the NT, it is that it is never too late to reform and be forgiven by God.

No one's sins are too great for God to forgive them. We all regret what we have done at times in the past, but please do not doubt that God is always receptive to the sinner who turns away from his sins. Think of the Bible story of the prodigal son, for example, or the reference to the lengths God is said to be willing to go to in order to save that one "lost sheep."

tturt · Sep 24, 2020

Welcome to CF, Alv. I understand what you're saying. After I became a believer, I kept thinking of the many things I shouldn't or should have done.

This is what I've learned.

Scripture says when we confess and repent of our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins (Luk 24:47, I John 1:9). Since He forgives us and forgets about them (I John 1:9; Rom 10:9-10, Heb 8:12

, why should we keep thinking about them? We just can’t give our previous sins and shortcomings more rank/value (more thought time) than Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection. So we do out part - renew our minds with His Word (IICor 10:5). That means when we start to recall what was, we can in all awareness of those past things switch and immediately start thanking Him for Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection and Him forgiving us, His love, grace, mercy, truth, peace, wisdom, etc.

Also, we can confess and repent of anything we do currently and He is still faithful and removes our transgressions as far as the east is from the west (Psa 103:12). Plus there’s not a limit on the number of times He’ll help/forgive us (Matt 18:21-22.)

One more look at that I John 1:9 verse, when we became believers, God not only forgives us and forgets about our sins, He cleanses us from our unrighteousness (I John 1:9). Therefore, God makes us righteous before Him. God declares you "not guilty."

Hazelelponi · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

The first step toward salvation is recognising we cannot save ourselves. We can try all day long every single day of our lives, but will fail every time..

We are fallen human beings and knowing God's law only shows us the sin that operates within us, which we cannot, within our own power, control. But it's not the law that is bad, it's the sin operating inside us which is.

This is why we need a Savior, a perfect being without sin, who has conquered sin and death.

When we accept His Lordship over us, after we come to believe in His Life, death, and resurrection, we come under His perfect tutelage and follow Him.

This doesn't mean the war is over, the war against sin is a life-long journey... but we wage this war because we love Him, we love what is righteous and just, we want to be called the children of the Most High on the day of our Judgement, as we stand dressed in white, our sins covered by the blood of Jesus, ourselves seen through His perfect lens, without which we have no hope.

If you feel hopeless, perhaps you're right and you've yet to place yourself under His authority, with Him as your savior...

If so, not one person deserves forgiveness. We all deserve nothing but the wrath of God. That's what makes God so God-like, He did what we couldn't, He forgave the guilty without reservation, even while they were His enemy.

A man might lay down his life for a freind - but only God laid down His life for His enemies.

As a beside, I'm a former Muslim... I've sinned more than most against the God of the heavens and earth, and I deserved being saved the least. Yet... he saved me anyway, because of His great love, because it brings Glory to Him to show the depth of His mercy and love...

Those who have been forgiven the most, love Him the most...

Daniel9v9 · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

There's an old expression that explains this - Simul justus et peccator - Which means that we are just and sinner at the same time. That is, upon believing in the person and works of our Lord Jesus Christ, we are justified - we are clothed with Christ's righteousness, which is external to us - we are declared righteous and made just before God. We are still sinners according to the flesh, but by the power of the Holy Spirit are gradually being sanctified, molded into the image of Christ, which produces good fruits.

This is why Paul, for example, in one instance says he's the worst of all sinners and laments his wicked deeds, but at the same time firmly believes in and recognises that his salvation is secure in Christ. He knows he is a sinner and a saint at the same time. He is a sinner that is declared and made holy, and this is true of every member of the body of Christ. Or to take a different example - consider the Lord's Prayer. When we pray "Our Father ...", this is reflective of our Justification, that God truly is our heavenly Father. But then we also pray "Forgive us this day our sins ...", which is reflective of our Sanctification, the reality that we still struggle daily with sin.

So, according to our flesh, we are not basically good (Pelagianism), or basically neutral (Semi-Pelagianism), or that soul is good but our material body is evil (Gnosticism), but we are sinful beings - evil and children of wrath, enemies of God and dead in sin. But thanks be to God, our identity is not in our sin, but in Christ. What you're experiencing is the growing pains of sanctification, where we are made aware of God's Law and realise how much we've fallen short of His glory. This is the Holy Spirit working in us, which is a good thing. So whenever the Law condemns us we run to the Gospel - God's promise of grace, which is firm.

In a word, your true self is a redeemed child of God. You were both forgiven once and for all, and every day, because God is rich in love and mercy.

Kristi fred til deg +

xaris · Sep 24, 2020

Our sin nature continues to adhere to us even as Christians until that day we receive our new bodies. Until then God declares us righteous (justifies) us through faith in the sinless blood of Jesus Christ.

John 5:24 NKJV
[24] "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.

Maria Billingsley · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

The flesh always fights with the Spirit. This is all through scripture and in all of our lives. Some "quench" the work of the Holy Spirit and fall into a cycle such as yours. Those who break that cycle have one thing in common,the desire to put an end to their hypocrisy. This can only be accomplished through the power of the Holy Spirit. And ths means trusting in Him. Be blessed.

Elfkind · Sep 24, 2020

Thank you a lot, all of you. I can't choose a "winner" from among all of these good and excellent posts, but I do feel truly blessed, and I realize how terribly lost I've been. I've gone for 20 years now, after living 20 years first as an atheist and unbeliever, then ending up finding the start of all the confusion I've seen, through a mix of occultism, "religion", drugs etc. until I finally could agree that there really is a God, and that salvation is to find in the name of Jesus. However, I'm really vulnerable, since I don't have any friend that believe. There's a evangelic church that have bought up and taken over a church right down the road, but I've only been there once and I feel as if all the other there are so perfect and as if they all are flawless and I don't know what to do or say to find a place among them. I've gotten to the point where I've seriously considered suicide this spring and summer, since I'm become addicted to drugs, are on an insane dose of methadone and also need pills while I'm drinking on top of that (that I've had to buy illegally on the black market until recently when I found a doctor that are willing to help prescribe something) in order to find relief from being so full of fear and sitting so much alone inside and thinking until I loose all concept of where the borders of my sanity can reach, I become so confused and afraid and only felt unworthy for two decades now of the Jesus I now is there.

I've had small breaks from myself now and then, and yesterday it didn't take more then watching some news of all the tragedy in the world, and then it is like someone just slams my head under water and the fear start again. And I've only made my whole life into a big mess. I wish my mother didn't have to worry so much about me, and that I was able to take care of my son, but are not even able to function on my own. So I've ended up in a neighborhood full of drugs, drug-dealers and drug-abuse and trouble, drama and other people with problems.

Normally I've been unable to find the deep peace I feel inside now, and I'm terrified of doing anything other then staying here, and that I might forget all of this again.

I'm too sensitive to the world around me it seems, also I'm too confused to function normally around people, are terrified of others and only feel as though the world is filled with so much mistrust and evil things, It's more then I can take.

Anyway, I have no words of how much it helped to just see that I'm simply one among many and not the unforgivable person I normally think I am.

Hazelelponi · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
Anyway, I have no words of how much it helped to just see that I'm simply one among many and not the unforgivable person I normally think I am.

You go to that church when they next hold services, and you tell them you need Jesus to save you and explain your own situation as currently relates to drug use and need of methadone to get off the drugs...

They will help you... don't worry about being who you are when you walk into that church okay?

com7fy8 · Sep 24, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved,

I think you mean that there are things that have hurt you and people who have hurt you, but you understand that you helped those things to happen because of how you were living.

Well, if you understand this, and this is what you mean, I think it is very good that you can see this. So, I would be encouraged that you are able to see this.

And, instead of trying to put some label on yourself because of how you have helped bad things to happen to you . . . do not just suffer in guilt and self-criticism, but thank God that you have some insight. And now we can do better, can't we? After all, we have God

This is part of what Jesus is for. Jesus wants us to start new with Him, and discover how we can share with God and love.

So, why give attention to merely criticizing yourself and giving yourself some label which means you have failed in the past? Start fresh, now

And I guess it is probable that you still will make trouble for yourself, at times; but forgive yourself plus generously also forgive others, and have hope of how God our Heavenly Father does change us to do better.

Already, you can be doing better, if you are able to not merely be in denial about your past and failures. But if we are forgiven, we need not to be claiming punishments and consequences. But the best way is to do better. And may be what helps you can help us, too, while we share with you.

So, thank you for telling us about such personal things.

God bless you, too

Bill

longwait · Sep 25, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

Yes, off course. We all are 2 people. Why else would Jesus tell Peter, "get behind me satan" just after he told Peter I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. There is good and evil within us all. We have to subdue the evil. Its an everyday and constant battle. Its tough.

tturt · Sep 25, 2020

True. Amazing how fleshy I can be in traffic. But God's still working on me.

Albion · Sep 25, 2020

longwait said:
Yes, off course. We all are 2 people. Why else would Jesus tell Peter, "get behind me satan"

Because Jesus was comparing Peter to Satan on account of Peter's talking against Christ's intention to go to his death at the hands of the Romans?

longwait · Sep 25, 2020

Albion said:
Because Jesus was comparing Peter to Satan on account of Peter's talking against Christ's intention to go to his death at the hands of the Romans?

Jesus was not comparing that was actually satan speaking through Peter. We all have a good side and bad one going on in us as a result of the partaking of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

honey badger · Sep 25, 2020

Alv Vatzdal said:
I do know I honestly believe in Jesus, and hope beyond hope that reality will be eternal life. I also honestly wish to follow all the teachings of Christ, and to be a servant of God. So this seem to indicate I am a good person.

The same time I suffer, but perhaps deserved, because I've truly been a great sinner, and I can hardly bear to thought of my own self and when I think of my weakest and worst moment in life. Where I've been full of desire, intoxicated, deluded and still are as if I'm two people, one of darkness and one of light, in a war against myself.

So what are my "true self", the acts I've done, but so much regret I have serious problems accepting Christ, simply because I feel so unworthy, and that make me feel as it is just that I should just continue to suffer? Or are this feeling of being unworthy and my deep suffering a sign that I - although a sinner - can do no better then do the good I wish to be part of instead?

It's so easy when confronted with the sins of others, and I can see myself in them, to wave their worries away, and pray for them and only wish them good. Also although I've read countless books and know the great sins of mankind, and how horrifying dark and full of evil history have been, I don't wish for the fate of others to be suffering. I don't sit in judgement against others then myself. And this is a serious problem I have, to come to terms with "the depths of Satan" as I've seen into half my life, as I grew up as an unbeliever. I'm tortured and a soul that feel like the shadow of a ghost, wandering around a world I do not understand, do not want to be part of and I'm at the borders of what sanity can bear with trying to understand it all, but would do better I think if I somehow was able to put it all behind me, and be the good I wish to be.

Cain and Abel are the two sons/perceptions of Adam/man ( good son/bad son ) and this pattern follows on through scripture until Christ having annulled in His flesh the law of commandments in ordinances, so that He might create in Himself the two into one new man, making peace,

to the left and to the right of a cross hangs a thief

Albion · Sep 25, 2020

longwait said:
Jesus was not comparing that was actually satan speaking through Peter.

I don't think so.

And, offhand, I don't believe I know anyone else who's advanced that explanation. I just checked several sources online and not one of them agreed with your interpretation.

honey badger · Sep 25, 2020

longwait said:
Jesus was not comparing that was actually satan speaking through Peter. We all have a good side and bad one going on in us as a result of the partaking of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

correct ... as he was rebuking Peters reasoning by way of two fruits of a tree , Jesus even rebuked his mother Mary in the same manner ...

Am I two people? What is my true self, the good or the evil?

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