Seeking advice re adult daughter

Maureen M. · Aug 4, 2020

One of our adult daughters (in her 30's) is currently living with my husband and I for a few weeks before moving out of state to start work elsewhere. She is currently in between jobs, but does have a new situation lined up out of state and she is financially independent.

Hubby and I are Christians, and our daughter, sadly, wants nothing to do with God. Daughter is moody. Think "16 year old moody" in a 30 something body. She barely wants to talk with us, and only says the minimum to be "polite". There is an edge to her voice and tension in the air ... though there is no particular topic going on that we are discussing. She is also upset with us because we are of the opposite political party from her, though we make it a point to never talk about politics with her.

I find myself getting hurt when she pushes us away ... we can all go on a walk together but she will put in headphones, walk ahead of us, and not say one word to us. I can take her in the car to run an errand and she will say the bare minimum of polite words, and pop in those headphones again.

I learned awhile ago that the one of the best things I can do is not give her any advice on any subject unless she specifically asks for it. She is an adult and can easily make her own decisions.

In Corinthians it says that "love keeps no record of wrongs". I find myself dwelling on how her actions and moodiness hurt me, then I start to feel sorry for myself, poor me and "she is not showing us any respect as people" and I go down an emotional path that does not strike me as being too mature or loving. The more she shuts us out, the higher the wall I build around me is.

I really don't know what the right way to feel or act towards her is. If she were not my daughter, I probably would have ended the relationship years ago, because I would not want to put up with being "treated like crap". But she is my daughter and I love her, I'd like the relationship to grow and heal.

I'm not sure what the most loving way to react to her would be? I'm too busy nursing my own so called "hurt" of her treating us poorly and without respect, to lift my head out of this self-pity fog. I ponder that there have been many times in my life when I wanted nothing to do with God, and he still pursued me with love.

PloverWing · Aug 4, 2020

Have you asked her directly, to find out what's bothering her? Something like, "I feel like there's a lot of tension between us lately, but I don't know what's wrong. Is there something that's gone on between us that I should know about, so that we can fix our relationship?"

It sounds like something has gone wrong between you, and that she's trying to distance herself from you because of it, but it's hard to fix whatever's wrong if you don't know what it is.

maintenance man · Aug 4, 2020

Maureen M. said:
I'm not sure what the most loving way to react to her would be?

I think you answered your question in your closing sentence.

Maureen M. said:
I ponder that there have been many times in my life when I wanted nothing to do with God, and he still pursued me with love.

Your daughter seems to be lost in the world at the moment. Continue to pursue her with love.

I'm praying that in time she will find her way back to a loving relationship with you and come to know Jesus through your demonstration of His love for her.

Maureen M. · Aug 4, 2020

PloverWing said:
Have you asked her directly, to find out what's bothering her? Something like, "I feel like there's a lot of tension between us lately, but I don't know what's wrong. Is there something that's gone on between us that I should know about, so that we can fix our relationship?"

It sounds like something has gone wrong between you, and that she's trying to distance herself from you because of it, but it's hard to fix whatever's wrong if you don't know what it is.

We were definitely not perfect parents and I know she is (understandably) resentful about things from her childhood ... though circumstances have changed now, these many years later. She is pretty much mad at God, mad at people with differing political viewpoints from hers, etc.

Maureen M. · Aug 4, 2020

maintenance man said:
I think you answered your question in your closing sentence.

Your daughter seems to be lost in the world at the moment. Continue to pursue her with love.

I'm praying that in time she will find her way back to a loving relationship with you and come to know Jesus through your demonstration of His love for her.

Thank you!

tturt · Aug 4, 2020

Wouldnt treat her like a guest.. At the very least, I would expect her to do chores

I would probably say your silent/distant treatment isn't going to keep me from loving you. Would inject humor and give her compliments about her positive characteristics.

This has to be hurtful. I'm sorry. Know it's hard - you know you have to forgive her. Also, you could asks God to remove the blinders from her mind and let her see the wonderful news of Christ.
. "...for their minds have been blinded by the god of this age, leaving them in unbelief. Their blindness keeps them from seeing the dayspring light of the wonderful news of the glory of Jesus Christ, who is the divine image of God." II Cor 4:4

Tony B · Aug 5, 2020

I would be asking her what is wrong, why is she being disrespectful towards me, and what can I do to fix the problem.

If she can’t give a reasonable answer, or doesn’t try to reconcile or allow me to reconcile, or to attempt to better fit into the home and be at peace with everyone, then I would be asking her to leave...it is not right/godly that anyone should hold the rest of the household to ransom through their petulant behaviour.

Tolworth John · Aug 5, 2020

I am sorry for your situation, I think you have answered it with she is still hurt from things that happened years ago, is resenting having to be dependant on you and basically hasn't grown up.

There is not a lot you can do other than as has been suggested be as humerous about the situation as you can and make the odd demand, like " you want me to run you to......, Ok only if you talk nicely to me on the journey!"
I have a daughter who's ' boomeranged' and can be very grumpy, humour helps with her.

Joined2krist · Aug 5, 2020

Sounds like she is into the world that's why she's being resentful of you. She is being controlled by the god of this world as she repeatedly pops those ear phones into her ears. You shouldn't stop being nice and kind to her, hopefully your love and sacrifices will give her a change of heart and win her over to Christ.

seeking.IAM · Aug 5, 2020

As frustrated as you feel, I'd like to jump in here to say you are doing a lot of things right:

You're allowing her to be an adult with her own opinions and points of view.
You are not forcing your politics or religion upon her.
You are supporting her as a loving parent by providing temporary shelter.
You are loving her despite her distancing, being open to a relationship with her when she comes around.
You are not offering unsolicited advice.

Love her. Be patient. Wait. Be willing to listen when she finally speaks. And be ready to receive her back when she is ready.

Prayers for you all.

Daniel Marsh · Aug 7, 2020

Maureen M. said:
One of our adult daughters (in her 30's) is currently living with my husband and I for a few weeks before moving out of state to start work elsewhere. She is currently in between jobs, but does have a new situation lined up out of state and she is financially independent.

Hubby and I are Christians, and our daughter, sadly, wants nothing to do with God. Daughter is moody. Think "16 year old moody" in a 30 something body. She barely wants to talk with us, and only says the minimum to be "polite". There is an edge to her voice and tension in the air ... though there is no particular topic going on that we are discussing. She is also upset with us because we are of the opposite political party from her, though we make it a point to never talk about politics with her.

I find myself getting hurt when she pushes us away ... we can all go on a walk together but she will put in headphones, walk ahead of us, and not say one word to us. I can take her in the car to run an errand and she will say the bare minimum of polite words, and pop in those headphones again.

I learned awhile ago that the one of the best things I can do is not give her any advice on any subject unless she specifically asks for it. She is an adult and can easily make her own decisions.

In Corinthians it says that "love keeps no record of wrongs". I find myself dwelling on how her actions and moodiness hurt me, then I start to feel sorry for myself, poor me and "she is not showing us any respect as people" and I go down an emotional path that does not strike me as being too mature or loving. The more she shuts us out, the higher the wall I build around me is.

I really don't know what the right way to feel or act towards her is. If she were not my daughter, I probably would have ended the relationship years ago, because I would not want to put up with being "treated like crap". But she is my daughter and I love her, I'd like the relationship to grow and heal.

I'm not sure what the most loving way to react to her would be? I'm too busy nursing my own so called "hurt" of her treating us poorly and without respect, to lift my head out of this self-pity fog. I ponder that there have been many times in my life when I wanted nothing to do with God, and he still pursued me with love.

ask her when she is going to give you grand children. And, tell her how you feel about how she is treating you.

Brenda Blakely · Aug 10, 2020

I have five adult children. Each of them are different. But I have learned that when they don’t want to hear what I have to say and/or they are coming under conviction for something not right in their lives they don’t talk. I try to respect that but I also expect respect from them for me and my needs and life. I think it is great that you are setting such a good example for her by respecting her and treating her as an adult. But her rude behavior is not acceptable in my sight and I don’t think you are doing her any good to allow it to continue. I suggest you set some ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell her you are glad to be her “port in the storm” but there are certain rules that remain in place in your house and not matter what the disagreement you expect respect and rudeness is not accepted. It is hard sometimes for adult kids to set proper boundaries. The book Boundaries is very helpful with that. I am praying that this will become a time of growing for each of you. I am praying that God will help you to establish proper boundaries and that God will use this situation to help all of you come closer to Him. Jesus doesn’t tell us to correct the world but to share/preach/teach the gospel and He will do the rest. Loving her may mean “tough love” for the moment. I pray that God’s love will pour from you in such abundance that no words will be necessary. I pray that God will help you to see your daughter through His eyes. God bless you and your entire family. Amen

antwaniiz · Aug 10, 2020

Maureen M. said:
One of our adult daughters (in her 30's) is currently living with my husband and I for a few weeks before moving out of state to start work elsewhere. She is currently in between jobs, but does have a new situation lined up out of state and she is financially independent.

Hubby and I are Christians, and our daughter, sadly, wants nothing to do with God. Daughter is moody. Think "16 year old moody" in a 30 something body. She barely wants to talk with us, and only says the minimum to be "polite". There is an edge to her voice and tension in the air ... though there is no particular topic going on that we are discussing. She is also upset with us because we are of the opposite political party from her, though we make it a point to never talk about politics with her.

I find myself getting hurt when she pushes us away ... we can all go on a walk together but she will put in headphones, walk ahead of us, and not say one word to us. I can take her in the car to run an errand and she will say the bare minimum of polite words, and pop in those headphones again.

I learned awhile ago that the one of the best things I can do is not give her any advice on any subject unless she specifically asks for it. She is an adult and can easily make her own decisions.

In Corinthians it says that "love keeps no record of wrongs". I find myself dwelling on how her actions and moodiness hurt me, then I start to feel sorry for myself, poor me and "she is not showing us any respect as people" and I go down an emotional path that does not strike me as being too mature or loving. The more she shuts us out, the higher the wall I build around me is.

I really don't know what the right way to feel or act towards her is. If she were not my daughter, I probably would have ended the relationship years ago, because I would not want to put up with being "treated like crap". But she is my daughter and I love her, I'd like the relationship to grow and heal.

I'm not sure what the most loving way to react to her would be? I'm too busy nursing my own so called "hurt" of her treating us poorly and without respect, to lift my head out of this self-pity fog. I ponder that there have been many times in my life when I wanted nothing to do with God, and he still pursued me with love.

I do believe you are reaping
what you sowed in her long ago.

Suck it up and endure it.

tturt · Aug 14, 2020

Honor your mother and father Doesn't come with a PS if we didn't make mistakes

In fact, EVERY parent makes errors Just like EVERY child does.

Seeking advice re adult daughter

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