I want to explain this well but I don’t know if I can for you all to see what it was like. It’s a long read.
I remember I sang this song called satan is your master when I was 14. I didn’t think it was bad or anything. It was catchy.
When I was about 15 or 16 I got obsessed with climate change and grew an excessive fear for the world and everything dying and getting hotter and I remember reading a climate change book I got so scared and I remembered Jesus so I prayed to Him.
I remember my mom took me to this therapist. Me and my mom both went to this therapist. I would have episodes (what my mom calls them) I would scream and cry and I would get violent at times. The therapist said she didn’t know what it was and she advised me to take me to a psychiatrist. So my mom brought me to the psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with schizophrenia. They put me on meds right away.
Then as I was getting more obsessed with Christianity I would read the Bible starting Genesis and I would watch Todd White videos and I wanted to start praying for people for healing everywhere like he did so I tried it out I would pray for people. Then as I was reading the Bible in Mathew 12 I read about the unforgivable sin and I also watched a video on it and I got so scared thinking I did it and I couldn’t function. I thought I was going to hell. I remember one night I could feel that bad horrendous blasphemous thoughts were coming then boom they were there. Jesus is Lord but instead my thoughts put Satan there. I got so scared my heart was burning and so were my legs. And I had other thoughts that were against the Holy Spirit. It got so bad my mom decided to take me to the ER (I would go to the ER lots of times before with my episodes but was never hospitalized) they decided to have me go to the hospital my parents drove me down state.
I just turned 17. I was at the mental hospital for like 24 or something days. My thoughts got worse and worse anything could trigger it. I couldn’t read the Bible. If I saw the word healing. I’d get a thought that’d say healing is of the devil. I don’t remember all my thoughts but they were the worst thoughts in the world. I remember crying and having panic attacks calling my mom why did God create me to send me to hell. They increased my antipsychotics. I found no relief. The thoughts would always be there. I would pray to God in my journal and it didn’t help none. Then I went home and didn’t go to school for months. Then I was taking 10 pills a day. I hated it so much. My mom and doctor would force me to take them. As time went on the thoughts got less and I stopped being so afraid and got focused on other things like trying to get a boyfriend. I went to hospitals throughout my life and I got put on a court order when I was 18 so they could continue forcing me to take meds. I didn’t think I was mentally ill.
When I was 18 I did sexual things with boys even though I didn’t have sexual feelings because of my meds and I remember thinking of the Holy Spirit during it but felt no conviction or anything.
Then in December of 2018 I went to my friend’s boyfriend’s house with her. And his friends were all there. We decided to go on a ride. My friend’s boyfriend wanted to drive (he didn’t have a license) but I let him drive. As we were driving around his friend was rolling weed up and I took two hits. And I didn’t think anything would happen but they all started laughing I got quiet then boom it hit me. I was thinking of my eternity. And I thought God’s not gonna forgive me after this, then I started to panic. My heart hurt like hell. It was on fire. I felt hell, I was in torment. I started telling them about how I don’t think I’m okay and I said I’m really scared of hell fire right now and the guy just laughed and then I started screaming and raised my body up. They told me you’re fine! You could literally tell they were lying to me. And I looked into their eyes and there was no love in them whatsoever. In my mind I said oh my gosh I’ll never find any love or comfort again. Oh my gosh, my worst fear is happening to me. I’m in this soul and I’m stuck in it to suffer forever. Now all they can do is give me drugs and I’ll die and go to hell. Then my friend and the guy switched spots. I tried telling them listen this is serious there’s still hope for you to go to heaven and I tried telling them the gospel but they just laughed and mocked me even my friend. And she was restraining me and I didn’t want her to touch me. I looked at the sky. It was a pretty sky but I knew I was already in torment. It was really bad. my mouth got dry and had a bad taste in it. I thought they couldn’t hear me cuz I was spiritually dead. I don’t know how to explain the feeling. But just know it was worse than fear and death itself. And you knew inside that you are going to suffer horribly forever on and on and you won’t be able to escape. I cried and screamed. Then all I wanted was my mom. I said I want my mom. I want my mom. They drove me back and we called my mom and I thought I was already in hell and that I’ll never see my mom again. My mom answered and I tried talking but she said what? and I thought I’m dead she can’t hear me but my friend took the phone and talked, my mom told her to bring me to the ER so I went and the lady there asked me questions my mom works the hospital so she called my mom to come to the ER and I got so excited to see my mom but I didn’t know if the lady was lying or not saying my mom was coming. I thought God must love me if this is hell. Since I was going to see my mom. Then my mom came and I was crying and said I’m so happy to see her but all she kept asking me is if I talked to my therapist today. Then I realized all I wanted was love. Then all I said was Jesus is so beautiful He’s the truth. And finally a nurse said something true about Jesus and I was so happy to hear the truth. I was trying to tell my mom about hell and Jesus and all that matters is love but she just kept telling me to watch Netflix on her phone. Then they gave me some drugs and the hell faded and I went home.
I moved in with my best friend from freshman year against my parents wishes.I knew the Bible said obey your parents but my friend said it’s okay and it’s time to move out. The first night there she drank so much alcohol she got black out drunk with her boyfriend and her other friend and I was the only one sober. It got so bad and crazy. So many crazy and horrible things happened as I lived there.
I moved out. As time went on I got scared of hell some more and I went to more hospitals and had more satanic thoughts and I never changed. A girl out of the blue said I’m not going to heaven. My niece said I’m not going to heaven. A pastor at a mental hospital was trying to get the Holy Spirit inside of me. He asked if I felt anything like peace or warmth in my heart I said no. He told me I was on the devil’s side before I repented (he had me repent and I cried but I knew it didn’t work) so I emailed a prophet who I messaged in the past first about the unforgivable sin and he said I’m not going to hell that I didn’t do it then I messaged him again after my hell experience and he said hell is for those who don’t believe in Jesus clearly you do. He said more. So I emailed him and he said he’d call me so I thought it was confirmation that God was still in me. Then I did more sexual things with guys. There was this one guy who claimed he was Christian and he told me all these crazy weird stories and he told me he thought God told him I was his wife. I thought maybe God wanted me to be with him even though I didn’t want to but we did things and it’s nasty and I did a lot more sexual things with other guys too then it all led to this.....
smoking weed. Again. (I’m 20 now) In December 2019. With that one friend I lived with. I didn’t think anything would happen. I was at her house and I took two big hits. I didn’t notice a change but then boom it hit me. I knew I was in hell. I thought it’s a cycle. My whole life is a cycle. Her and her friend had no love in their eyes and they were saying are you okay? And they were all over me. You could tell I was with demons now. But you could tell they don’t care and I was in torment. I felt hell again. If you experienced what I experienced you would know without a doubt you were in hell. My hands began to sweat and I started to get gassy and I tried to hold it in. My heart dropped. I asked God did I commit the unforgivable sin? No answer. they brought me to her room and they forced me to lay down they took my phone away they kept telling me to lay down and I thought they were going to have sex with me and I didn’t want that in my mind I thought oh my gosh this is what it’s like to pick sin over Jesus. And without God there is no love, no compassion, no comfort. Just horrible torment and suffering. It’s the worst thing in the world. It’s hell. I looked up to see if I could see heaven. I wanted to call my mentor but they wouldn’t let me have my phone and I said momma? Daddy? I said out loud God is good. He’s good. And I thought I deserve this. My only comfort is that I deserve this. But it didn't help none. My friend asked if I wanted to read the Bible. I said yes and we opened to 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter as I read it said without love you are a clanging cymbal and nothing. And it terrified me cuz I knew I never loved. I didn’t sleep that night. They wouldn’t bring me to my mom’s. They didn’t wanna get in trouble. It went on for months, the pain of hell. The surreal reality. Nothing seemed real. I was so confused. My heart would burn.
I could go on and on more about that I thought I was in hell. I would pray and pray and it wouldn’t help. I know all those verses in Hebrews like 10:26 I watched a video about that verse and this guy who went to “hell” like I did, he gave his life story and when he was talking about his hell experience. (he said he was in a house and there was a bible in there and he saw a picture of his family and he said I love you guys but he had no love and he didn’t cry. And he said you think you can pray your way out of this, you can’t) hell began to manifest again as I was watching it. I couldn’t continue watching it. I had to think to myself I’m not in hell, I’m not in hell, then it went away. But it never truly goes away.
Then I would pace around the hallway and yell and scream out to God to forgive me but I found no relief. He wasn’t there. I had many dreams of being separated from Jesus. One dream was I was with this Christian fellowship group and we were talking about what Jesus was doing in our lives but they all said Jesus is nowhere to be found and they don’t know where He is. I said what? Didn’t anyone have a good day? And they said no. Then I went out and I knew God was not here. This was not a dream but I went with my dad to his garage and I knew I was in hell. He was in the basement trying to drain the flood. He was in the same position for hours and I would run and call my Christian friends but they didn’t help me. I went back inside and prayed but God wasn’t there. My dad was still leaning over with the hose and the water was still up his legs. His friends were there. One said you’re forgiven Megan. But I looked at his face and you could tell that he was completely lying.
It was during Christmas time, my heart was burning and I watched this scary video on the scripture Hebrews 10:26 and 6:4-6 and the pastor was yelling at the people who sent in a letter saying they knew the truth and went back to their sin. He rebuked them. And it sounded like there was no hope. Fear drained from me. But my heart was still burning.
Later I was at my dad’s house. I was trying to go to his room. I didn’t wanna be left alone. I haven’t slept in days I couldn’t sleep and I was scared if I fell asleep I’d end up in hell. And he yelled angrily at me and pushed me to get out as I pushed the door with as much force as possible I said please daddy please and he said NO get out. It was like an image of me trying to get to the Father in heaven without wedding clothes and the Father shut the door on me.
I remember me and my mom were watching Gilmore Girls during the time I was feeling hell in my heart and surroundings strongly and a song came on on the show and it said “I’m sorry to say you’re in hell. It’s not gonna get better. It’s not gonna get worse, you're in hell.” And I felt like it was true.
As I would lay on my mom’s bed I thought hours passed by but it was only two minutes that went by. This is what eternity is like it goes on forever. I remember laying next to my mom and I was reading what she had on her kindle. It was a bunch of horrible and bad things. And when she looked at the news. The news was so weird. It was so dark. The sky in a city.
I had a girl who was a strong Christian who was helping me. She lived in the UK but she soon gave up because nothing improved and she said she can’t help anymore and I need to see professional help.
I just had a dream last night. I was in a classroom and everything was saying this thing where they said they found Jesus and were saved from hell and I told them how all I experienced was hell and I started to get upset but I didn’t cry and they looked at me and I knew I was in hell they said are you okay Are you okay. They weren’t really humans, they didn’t have compassion. And the look in their eyes. I was in hell, it was torment going on forever. Then I was in my dad’s kitchen and I don’t remember but all I heard was very angry footsteps and and my dad walked in face very red and so angry. Nothing was clear. I don’t remember well. I can’t explain it well. I can’t describe it right. You probably won’t understand that all this was indeed hell and what it was like. I’m not good at explaining but just know it was hell. It repeats and it goes on forever. There’s no love or compassion. I pray and it doesn’t help. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if this is hell. My parents never showed me the real Jesus. I don’t see any fruit in their lives. And nothing is improving and I can sense Jesus is not here with me. I get so confused. I don’t know what’s real. I think this is hell and it’s gonna go on forever. But I might go to the hell where there’s actual unquenchable fire, no water, demons ripping open your flesh, demons torturing you, no rest, maggots and worms never did out, suffocating, screaming, horrible smells. This might be hell and it might be a cycle or I committed the unforgivable sin and so it’s like I’m living in hell already and I’ll go to the actual place someday. I don’t really have fear anymore or anything and all I do is eat food and when I pray I get confused and nothing works. What is this life? Where’s Jesus? Where’s God? Is He good?
The good news is you are alive, and for those who are alive, there is repentance available. Your fear is that you have committed the unpardonable sin. To understand that sin you first need to understand the cross. The bible tells us that the cross covers a life time of sins.
Heb 9:27-28 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many;
That verse tells us that as a person lives one life and dies, so Christ was offered as a sacrifice for that life time of sins. Verses like Hebrews 6, that mention a person falling away, state:
Heb 6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.
Note Hebrews 6 states that the person is "crucifying to themselves the son of God afresh", or re-crucifying Christ. To do that the person must have died in their sins, for the cross covers a life time of sins. It is not referring to a Christian who has fallen into sin or sins, but rather to a Christian who has fallen into sin, stayed in those sins, and died in that state. For them repentance is no longer available. For there is no second cross available.
Sin has a blinding effect, it makes it hard for us to see the truth.
Heb 3:13 But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.
The only way to be freed from this blindness it to repent, or turn away from sin.
Jas 4:8-10 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
As for what the unpardonable sin is, it is a state of heart where no matter what God does to draw a person to repentance they deny it. The pharisees were in such a state, for they would rather call the workings of the Holy Spirit a devil, than believe.
But the good news is that you have hope, God is still offering you repentance.
