I think I’m in hell. Please help me get to the bottom of this.

[a-lily-of-peace]

He already devoured me pretty much.

If so, you wouldn’t be here still. You wouldn’t be aware of it even.

I don’t know what to do to help you. God does. Look up and trust him. Reach for him. He can surround you with ten thousand angels to keep that darkness away and let you run inside his strong tower.

The battle is his to fight, and to win, you make covenant so you can be sheltered by him. If you believe in the spiritual, believe this is true. Surrender anything and everything, and be cleansed and made new.

Jesus came in this world. He walked on this earth and ate real food. And he is the Son of God. He lay down his life so he can pick it up again, and we who lay down our lives in him can be reborn the same.

It’s all real and it’s all so beautiful. Don’t let anything hold you back from what your heart is so deeply longing for.

 

[Moonlight sonata]

I want to explain this well but I don’t know if I can for you all to see what it was like. It’s a long read.

I remember I sang this song called satan is your master when I was 14. I didn’t think it was bad or anything. It was catchy.

When I was about 15 or 16 I got obsessed with climate change and grew an excessive fear for the world and everything dying and getting hotter and I remember reading a climate change book I got so scared and I remembered Jesus so I prayed to Him.

I remember my mom took me to this therapist. Me and my mom both went to this therapist. I would have episodes (what my mom calls them) I would scream and cry and I would get violent at times. The therapist said she didn’t know what it was and she advised me to take me to a psychiatrist. So my mom brought me to the psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with schizophrenia. They put me on meds right away.

Then as I was getting more obsessed with Christianity I would read the Bible starting Genesis and I would watch Todd White videos and I wanted to start praying for people for healing everywhere like he did so I tried it out I would pray for people. Then as I was reading the Bible in Mathew 12 I read about the unforgivable sin and I also watched a video on it and I got so scared thinking I did it and I couldn’t function. I thought I was going to hell. I remember one night I could feel that bad horrendous blasphemous thoughts were coming then boom they were there. Jesus is Lord but instead my thoughts put Satan there. I got so scared my heart was burning and so were my legs. And I had other thoughts that were against the Holy Spirit. It got so bad my mom decided to take me to the ER (I would go to the ER lots of times before with my episodes but was never hospitalized) they decided to have me go to the hospital my parents drove me down state.

I just turned 17. I was at the mental hospital for like 24 or something days. My thoughts got worse and worse anything could trigger it. I couldn’t read the Bible. If I saw the word healing. I’d get a thought that’d say healing is of the devil. I don’t remember all my thoughts but they were the worst thoughts in the world. I remember crying and having panic attacks calling my mom why did God create me to send me to hell. They increased my antipsychotics. I found no relief. The thoughts would always be there. I would pray to God in my journal and it didn’t help none. Then I went home and didn’t go to school for months. Then I was taking 10 pills a day. I hated it so much. My mom and doctor would force me to take them. As time went on the thoughts got less and I stopped being so afraid and got focused on other things like trying to get a boyfriend. I went to hospitals throughout my life and I got put on a court order when I was 18 so they could continue forcing me to take meds. I didn’t think I was mentally ill.

When I was 18 I did sexual things with boys even though I didn’t have sexual feelings because of my meds and I remember thinking of the Holy Spirit during it but felt no conviction or anything.

Then in December of 2018 I went to my friend’s boyfriend’s house with her. And his friends were all there. We decided to go on a ride. My friend’s boyfriend wanted to drive (he didn’t have a license) but I let him drive. As we were driving around his friend was rolling weed up and I took two hits. And I didn’t think anything would happen but they all started laughing I got quiet then boom it hit me. I was thinking of my eternity. And I thought God’s not gonna forgive me after this, then I started to panic. My heart hurt like hell. It was on fire. I felt hell, I was in torment. I started telling them about how I don’t think I’m okay and I said I’m really scared of hell fire right now and the guy just laughed and then I started screaming and raised my body up. They told me you’re fine! You could literally tell they were lying to me. And I looked into their eyes and there was no love in them whatsoever. In my mind I said oh my gosh I’ll never find any love or comfort again. Oh my gosh, my worst fear is happening to me. I’m in this soul and I’m stuck in it to suffer forever. Now all they can do is give me drugs and I’ll die and go to hell. Then my friend and the guy switched spots. I tried telling them listen this is serious there’s still hope for you to go to heaven and I tried telling them the gospel but they just laughed and mocked me even my friend. And she was restraining me and I didn’t want her to touch me. I looked at the sky. It was a pretty sky but I knew I was already in torment. It was really bad. my mouth got dry and had a bad taste in it. I thought they couldn’t hear me cuz I was spiritually dead. I don’t know how to explain the feeling. But just know it was worse than fear and death itself. And you knew inside that you are going to suffer horribly forever on and on and you won’t be able to escape. I cried and screamed. Then all I wanted was my mom. I said I want my mom. I want my mom. They drove me back and we called my mom and I thought I was already in hell and that I’ll never see my mom again. My mom answered and I tried talking but she said what? and I thought I’m dead she can’t hear me but my friend took the phone and talked, my mom told her to bring me to the ER so I went and the lady there asked me questions my mom works the hospital so she called my mom to come to the ER and I got so excited to see my mom but I didn’t know if the lady was lying or not saying my mom was coming. I thought God must love me if this is hell. Since I was going to see my mom. Then my mom came and I was crying and said I’m so happy to see her but all she kept asking me is if I talked to my therapist today. Then I realized all I wanted was love. Then all I said was Jesus is so beautiful He’s the truth. And finally a nurse said something true about Jesus and I was so happy to hear the truth. I was trying to tell my mom about hell and Jesus and all that matters is love but she just kept telling me to watch Netflix on her phone. Then they gave me some drugs and the hell faded and I went home.

I moved in with my best friend from freshman year against my parents wishes.I knew the Bible said obey your parents but my friend said it’s okay and it’s time to move out. The first night there she drank so much alcohol she got black out drunk with her boyfriend and her other friend and I was the only one sober. It got so bad and crazy. So many crazy and horrible things happened as I lived there.

I moved out. As time went on I got scared of hell some more and I went to more hospitals and had more satanic thoughts and I never changed. A girl out of the blue said I’m not going to heaven. My niece said I’m not going to heaven. A pastor at a mental hospital was trying to get the Holy Spirit inside of me. He asked if I felt anything like peace or warmth in my heart I said no. He told me I was on the devil’s side before I repented (he had me repent and I cried but I knew it didn’t work) so I emailed a prophet who I messaged in the past first about the unforgivable sin and he said I’m not going to hell that I didn’t do it then I messaged him again after my hell experience and he said hell is for those who don’t believe in Jesus clearly you do. He said more. So I emailed him and he said he’d call me so I thought it was confirmation that God was still in me. Then I did more sexual things with guys. There was this one guy who claimed he was Christian and he told me all these crazy weird stories and he told me he thought God told him I was his wife. I thought maybe God wanted me to be with him even though I didn’t want to but we did things and it’s nasty and I did a lot more sexual things with other guys too then it all led to this.....

smoking weed. Again. (I’m 20 now) In December 2019. With that one friend I lived with. I didn’t think anything would happen. I was at her house and I took two big hits. I didn’t notice a change but then boom it hit me. I knew I was in hell. I thought it’s a cycle. My whole life is a cycle. Her and her friend had no love in their eyes and they were saying are you okay? And they were all over me. You could tell I was with demons now. But you could tell they don’t care and I was in torment. I felt hell again. If you experienced what I experienced you would know without a doubt you were in hell. My hands began to sweat and I started to get gassy and I tried to hold it in. My heart dropped. I asked God did I commit the unforgivable sin? No answer. they brought me to her room and they forced me to lay down they took my phone away they kept telling me to lay down and I thought they were going to have sex with me and I didn’t want that in my mind I thought oh my gosh this is what it’s like to pick sin over Jesus. And without God there is no love, no compassion, no comfort. Just horrible torment and suffering. It’s the worst thing in the world. It’s hell. I looked up to see if I could see heaven. I wanted to call my mentor but they wouldn’t let me have my phone and I said momma? Daddy? I said out loud God is good. He’s good. And I thought I deserve this. My only comfort is that I deserve this. But it didn't help none. My friend asked if I wanted to read the Bible. I said yes and we opened to 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter as I read it said without love you are a clanging cymbal and nothing. And it terrified me cuz I knew I never loved. I didn’t sleep that night. They wouldn’t bring me to my mom’s. They didn’t wanna get in trouble. It went on for months, the pain of hell. The surreal reality. Nothing seemed real. I was so confused. My heart would burn.

I could go on and on more about that I thought I was in hell. I would pray and pray and it wouldn’t help. I know all those verses in Hebrews like 10:26 I watched a video about that verse and this guy who went to “hell” like I did, he gave his life story and when he was talking about his hell experience. (he said he was in a house and there was a bible in there and he saw a picture of his family and he said I love you guys but he had no love and he didn’t cry. And he said you think you can pray your way out of this, you can’t) hell began to manifest again as I was watching it. I couldn’t continue watching it. I had to think to myself I’m not in hell, I’m not in hell, then it went away. But it never truly goes away.

Then I would pace around the hallway and yell and scream out to God to forgive me but I found no relief. He wasn’t there. I had many dreams of being separated from Jesus. One dream was I was with this Christian fellowship group and we were talking about what Jesus was doing in our lives but they all said Jesus is nowhere to be found and they don’t know where He is. I said what? Didn’t anyone have a good day? And they said no. Then I went out and I knew God was not here. This was not a dream but I went with my dad to his garage and I knew I was in hell. He was in the basement trying to drain the flood. He was in the same position for hours and I would run and call my Christian friends but they didn’t help me. I went back inside and prayed but God wasn’t there. My dad was still leaning over with the hose and the water was still up his legs. His friends were there. One said you’re forgiven Megan. But I looked at his face and you could tell that he was completely lying.

It was during Christmas time, my heart was burning and I watched this scary video on the scripture Hebrews 10:26 and 6:4-6 and the pastor was yelling at the people who sent in a letter saying they knew the truth and went back to their sin. He rebuked them. And it sounded like there was no hope. Fear drained from me. But my heart was still burning.

Later I was at my dad’s house. I was trying to go to his room. I didn’t wanna be left alone. I haven’t slept in days I couldn’t sleep and I was scared if I fell asleep I’d end up in hell. And he yelled angrily at me and pushed me to get out as I pushed the door with as much force as possible I said please daddy please and he said NO get out. It was like an image of me trying to get to the Father in heaven without wedding clothes and the Father shut the door on me.

I remember me and my mom were watching Gilmore Girls during the time I was feeling hell in my heart and surroundings strongly and a song came on on the show and it said “I’m sorry to say you’re in hell. It’s not gonna get better. It’s not gonna get worse, you're in hell.” And I felt like it was true.

As I would lay on my mom’s bed I thought hours passed by but it was only two minutes that went by. This is what eternity is like it goes on forever. I remember laying next to my mom and I was reading what she had on her kindle. It was a bunch of horrible and bad things. And when she looked at the news. The news was so weird. It was so dark. The sky in a city.

I had a girl who was a strong Christian who was helping me. She lived in the UK but she soon gave up because nothing improved and she said she can’t help anymore and I need to see professional help.

I just had a dream last night. I was in a classroom and everything was saying this thing where they said they found Jesus and were saved from hell and I told them how all I experienced was hell and I started to get upset but I didn’t cry and they looked at me and I knew I was in hell they said are you okay Are you okay. They weren’t really humans, they didn’t have compassion. And the look in their eyes. I was in hell, it was torment going on forever. Then I was in my dad’s kitchen and I don’t remember but all I heard was very angry footsteps and and my dad walked in face very red and so angry. Nothing was clear. I don’t remember well. I can’t explain it well. I can’t describe it right. You probably won’t understand that all this was indeed hell and what it was like. I’m not good at explaining but just know it was hell. It repeats and it goes on forever. There’s no love or compassion. I pray and it doesn’t help. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if this is hell. My parents never showed me the real Jesus. I don’t see any fruit in their lives. And nothing is improving and I can sense Jesus is not here with me. I get so confused. I don’t know what’s real. I think this is hell and it’s gonna go on forever. But I might go to the hell where there’s actual unquenchable fire, no water, demons ripping open your flesh, demons torturing you, no rest, maggots and worms never did out, suffocating, screaming, horrible smells. This might be hell and it might be a cycle or I committed the unforgivable sin and so it’s like I’m living in hell already and I’ll go to the actual place someday. I don’t really have fear anymore or anything and all I do is eat food and when I pray I get confused and nothing works. What is this life? Where’s Jesus? Where’s God? Is He good?

When you get these bad thoughts, you need to bring them into captivity to the obedience of Christ. See 2 Corinthians 10:5. I used to suffer from blasphemous thoughts and worrying I committed the unforgivable sin. As soon as these thoughts hit, I would say to myself, "I bring this thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." Do this constantly, every time you are presented with a thought about hell or having committed the unforgivable sin, and the bad thoughts will stop coming after a while. I pray you find peace, in the name of Jesus. I too have suffered a hell experience through an episode of psychosis so I understand how horrible and terrifying it is. There is a book called 'Seeing yourself through God's eyes' by June Hunt. It may be worth trying to get hold of and have a read of. Peace be with you love. ❤️❤️❤️

 

[meggy]

It's a class or workshop I am hosting online where week by week we discuss about the ability to audibly hear the Holy Spirit/God.

We go over scripture that prove and supports this phenomenon/ability of hearing God.

We also go over testimonies and witnesses of people hearing God regularly.

Then after we go over the scriptures and testimonies, we pray and ask God for these blessings so we can hear God.

Then we will do exercises that help people to hear and receive from God.

Each week we will do more exercises to train our ear and hearts to hear the HOLY Spirit's voice.

And I guarantee, you will hear or receive regularly from God within 3 months or I will personally buy you any bible of your choice for your efforts and time.

The class is free.

And the one hosting this class (me) hears the Holy Spirit audibly (like God talking to Moses) regularly (everyday). Confirmed with the Word of God, and with signs and miracles following in Jesus Name.

Also, if you need me to explain other things like:

Did you fall away?
Are you sinning willfully?
Are you returning back to your vomit?
Are you reprobate?
Are you Desolated?
Are you forsaken?
Did you quench the Spirit?
Are you like Esau?
Are you like Saul?
Are you like Jezebel?
Are you concerned about "nothing left but a fearful expectation of judgment"?

These were all the things I struggled with because they are the only scriptures of doom and seeming unforgiveness. I researched and prayed much about these parts of the bible.

Ultimately, I heard the Holy Spirit teach me about each point and he told me that I would never do these bad parts of the bible... and "proved" it to me with miracles.

About those bad parts listed above, you dont have to worry, the Holy Spirit also told me you have never and will never commit those bad parts of scripture. If you think you have, its merely a misunderstanding on your part.... nothing to worry about. I'll still see you in heaven.

Because I am confident God told me these things, you dont even have to believe me... you are saved whether you think you are or not, and whether you like it or not. Remember, he can save people for merely His name's sake:

"1 John 2:12 I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake."

I hope this encourages you. Remember, Jesus foresaw the twelve disciples judging the 12 tribes of israel before they actually reached heaven. So Jesus predicted or guarenteed them heaven before it came to pass. In a similar way, I predicted with help of the Holy Spirit that you will be saved and reach heaven.

Just remember that repenting makes the journey easier.

"There's an infinite amount of hope and blessings for you" --Thus says the Lord.

Peace and Blessings be to you.

I am willing to work with you more if you ever need help.

Hi, thank you! I think I might wanna take that class. And yes I have those kind of questions! I would like for you to explain if you would like. May I ask, what are you doing on Christian Forums? I wanna walk in signs, miracles and wonders in Jesus name! That’d be awesome. And I really wanna hear the sweet voice of the Holy Spirit. thanks you did encourage me. God bless you.

 

[JennaB33]

Maggie, are you still active on Christian forums. Any updates on how you’re doing?

 

[meggy]

Maggie, are you still active on Christian forums. Any updates on how you’re doing?

hi Jenna. No I’m not very active on Christian forums. But I think I’m doing better! I went to the hospital again and I had a feeling that when I got back home to my mom. Things would get better. So far they are. My mom is happier now because I’m doing better. I am taking a break from religious stuff a little. But I’m praying a little and I listen to Christian music a little. And I’m doing a schedule everyday. But sometimes I still get confused about hell and Jesus and stuff but my mom comforts me and I take a vistriral or I do something else maybe. And I have two good friends who are Christians, they’re very sweet. How are you doing?

 

[JennaB33]

I’m okay.. thanks for the update i’m very happy you’re doing better. I was just wondering, have you ever experienced Holy spirit of been baptized in the Spirit in the past?

 

[MJ Emberzo]

I’m okay.. thanks for the update i’m very happy you’re doing better. I was just wondering, have you ever experienced Holy spirit of been baptized in the Spirit in the past?

Can you only get baptized in the HS once?

 

[JennaB33]

I Think that there is an initial baptizing to be born again in the spirit and then you can experience Holy Spirit multiple ways after.