Said a prayer for you.
Most of my adulthood I struggled with difficult depression and anxiety, also alcoholism and all kinds of crap. I remember my hospitals trips and treatments, all those years quite well, although it seems like it was a different life. There were points I was sure I couldn't go on living anymore.
Just hang on. Persevere. When we can't do anything else, we just persevere. Remind yourself that all those feelings and thoughts you have, no matter how hard they're pressing you down, they are not God, they have no power over God, and they have far less power over you than it seems. No matter how much you must feel them, you don't have to believe them. You will only get better at fighting them, no matter if you sometimes take a few steps back.
You cannot feel or know it now, but the fortress of patience and strength God is building in you, it will be something to behold. He can and will use this for your good, and through you for the good of others. You will be a beacon of peace and mercy. People who struggle, they need those who have struggled hard to comfort them. God knows I've needed them. None of this will be in vain. God has the strangest ability to turn all kinds of suffering and filth into something else entirely. Just hang on in there, get whatever help you need. Our strength isn't in what's seen or even in ourselves or our feelings, it's in God who works in, for and through us, and Christ is with us every day, all the time. Blessed are those who weep, they will be comforted. Your life is safely hid with Christ, and in very good care.
