Give "Bad" Advice (3)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) said:

Go suited in it. Then make side conversations with people at the funeral about how all the good things on earth are mere types and shadows of the things we're going to experience in Heaven. As for the neon green suit then? Tell 'em you're going to be a cartoon or anime character racing around a racetrack Mario Kart style.

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How to best help someone who doesn't think they need any advice?

LaSorcia said:

How to best help someone who doesn't think they need any advice?

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Oh, he's a lost cause. Execute him.

(Sorry @( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

What to do with the Russian spies who are trying to corrupt this thread by not asking for advice?

We should send them a strongly worded letter letting them know we will not be Putin up with it!

My foot's asleep.

Play a practical joke on it quickly and quietly before it wakes. I suggest superglue and lego on the soles.

Remedies for a cold?

They say to fight fire with fire, so I suppose the opposite is true as well. Go ice fishing. If you become slightly hypothermic, all the better.


I'm still trying to figure out how to throw away a trash can.

Thrown it in to a bigger trash can. Then when you need to, throw that one into a yet bigger one. Then throw that one in here:



When that one's full, throw it in the world's actual largest trash can, the ocean.

I'm of a certain ethnic group and/or nationality, which I will not specify for fear of consequences and repercussions, and I need to know how many of us it will take to change this light bulb.

I'm assuming you're talking Christians from the kingdom of Jesus Christ. In such case, fine...However, we'll just sit here in the mirk and imagine we're basking in the Father's light instead.


Buy me a 9mm handgun.

Do you realize how small 9mm is? You'd drop it and probably vacuum it up before you realize it's missing. Go for a 1 meter.

I don't like the stripe on my tube socks, and don't want to just cut them off.

Extend your tube socks by knitting them into a full body sock suit. The stripe can then be mitigated by incorporation into the broader design all over your body.

How to get rid of house guests that simply don't realise when it is time for them to leave?

leave them a BIG list of chores to do, put a lock on the fridge, and turn the water heater to cold







how to get over fear of germs?

Use cognitive behavioral technique of flooding. Literally. Jump into a pond of fetid water and stay under as long as you can!


What's a good plot for my next best-seller?

How about something like adventures in house chores. It's doesn't get more exciting than that.

What time do I have to leave work to get to the movie theatre by 5:30, during rush hour, and it normally takes 20 minutes?

Rush Hour's run time is far more than 20 minutes. You'll have plenty of time to get in before it ends.

How can I get my financial affairs in order?

Gather all your money together and divide the bills and coins into their respective piles. Store all money in canvas bags with dollar signs printed on them, and then hide them in your mattress.

My closet door won't stay closed.

not a problem!
1/2 seconds you save not closing adds up to mins & soon you've added a whole hr to your life




should someone watch my back?

Yes, your back is very dirty.

ETA: Oh, you said watch.

What's a good book to read?

There is this one about this vampire falling in love with a blunted girl, or that one about people starving and then fighting gladiatorial style... If you prefer classics, Cather in the Rye. Otherwise, anything by Philip Pullman.

Maybe I should just buy an Olive farm and start afresh...

How can I liven up this boring Parent Teacher Association meeting?

Chesterton said:

How can I liven up this boring Parent Teacher Association meeting?

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Suggest a talent contest to raise funds for something either useful or contentious. Then agree to sit through the auditions personally and belittle most of the children Simon Cowell style.

This meeting will be lively as people will be busy ironing out the details. The next meeting will also be lively as you can justify your comments to the misguided children and stand by the truth.

What to do tomorrow at college when I already know that 2 out of my 3 friends aren't coming in?