Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[Quid est Veritas?]

I know someone with an ifrit infestation that could use it. The easier method is to just use the fruitcake as masonry, or the tried and tested method of asking yourself who you hate enough to give a fruitcake to.

I've decided to write a rip-roaring yarn about a post-apocalyptic excorcist Santa, but I need some ideas.

 

[Chesterton]

A post-apocalyptic exorcist Santa? Really? That hackneyed old trope?

How can I get my dog and the mailman to sit down and negotiate a peace treaty?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Appeasement... I mean, concessions. Rewarding bad behaviour always helps to end it. Look at the success of the Sunshine policy toward North Korea.

The difficulty is getting them to sit. You can teach the dog, provided he isn't old. However, telling mailmen to sit for a treat and a rub behind the ear has oddly been construed as rude.

How can I stop eating all the leftover Christmas candy?

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

get diabetes and save yourself.

preach to the choir

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

You can just show them a grainy videotape of Joel Osteen.

I just realised the Maya forgot to carry the three, so the world ends tonight at midnight! What to do with my final hours?

 

[Chesterton]

At this most solemn time, we should continue doing what gave us all the most joy in this life: finding fault with others. You can join with me. I'm going to continue correcting people's grammar until my dying breath. The long epic of human history has its ups and downs, but I for one will not see the light of civilization flicker out with any modifiers dangling!

How can I launch this old Saturn V rocket I picked up on ebay without unnecessarily startling the neighbors tonight?

 

[LaSorcia]

Knock on all their doors and tell them the end of the world is coming. Then, they'll be expecting something apocalyptic and won't be startled when they hear the noise.

How to survive an apocalypse?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Buy a volvo, then fill it with bottle caps for barter. Oh, and stockpile fresh fruit and vegetables.

How can I make the talk I am giving really pop?

 

[Chesterton]

Don't worry about making the speech good. At the start of the talk, give everyone a free car. People get really excited about free cars.

What should I do with all these ugly neckties I got for Christmas?

 

[LaSorcia]

Hang yourself?


Is January a good time for a garage sale?

 

[Matthew-59]

If you think it is, then it is. Doesn't matter what EVERYBODY else thinks. You don't need them anyhow.

What's the best way to return unwanted Christmas gifts?

 

[mama2one]

forget returning as lines are too long
donate unwanted & while you're at it, donate good ones too




shall I write a book containing all my good & bad advice?

 

[Matthew-59]

shall I write a book containing all my good & bad advice?

YES!!! By all means do! And make sure to order at least 100 billion copies to be made for sale on eBay.

I gained about 20 pounds over the holidays, so how can I get rid of it?

 

[Lost4words]

YES!!! By all means do! And make sure to order at least 100 billion copies to be made for sale on eBay.

I gained about 20 pounds over the holidays, so how can I get rid of it?

Dont eat anything for a whole month!

Best way to cook a cat?

 

[Chesterton]

Catatouille.

How can I keep Lost4words away from my cats?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Shouldn't be hard. Did you see the trailer and bad reviews?

How can I stop my neighbour from complaining about my loud children?

 

[mama2one]

threaten them with MORE children






how to make myself taller?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

It is called the Rack.
Alternatively many invasive and untested surgeries are also an option.

I need to take my car in for service, but I don't trust the mechanics.

 

[Chesterton]

Trust the mechanics.

I'm going to a funeral today and just discovered I have only one suit that still fits me, and it's a bright neon green suit. What should I do?

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Go suited in it. Then make side conversations with people at the funeral about how all the good things on earth are mere types and shadows of the things we're going to experience in Heaven. As for the neon green suit then? Tell 'em you're going to be a cartoon or anime character racing around a racetrack Mario Kart style.