Suspect spouse of having affair - how should I deal with it?

Harmonie7 said:

My spouse believes in God but is not baptised and doesn't feel ready to make the commitment.
I've had strong feelings for some years that there has been or still is adultery.
I have no hard evidence but little things keep cropping up such as a youtube vid in history about guilt over cheating, I also found an item in our car that clearly belongs to someone else (no one else goes in our car I know of except us and children) and distant behaviour.
I'm afraid I can't go into too much detail for privacy reasons.
Another reason for doubting my spouses honesty is that there was some serious deception towards me some years back. It wasn't to do with cheating but serious and very hurtful nonetheless.
On the other hand, my partner has been patient and supportive in many ways + we get along well and have a good life together 90% of the time. We also have children and finances are complicated so separating would be extremely difficult.
The not knowing and just having a sense of adultery is a disturbing way to live and I have let the frustration of it get the better of me on several occasions by losing my cool, making accusations and attempting to control the situation by often requesting honesty, to know the truth.
I have looked on spouses phones/laptop hoping to find something - Shame on me.
Above all of this, I want to be right with God and conduct myself in a way that glorifies him. I feel I am failing miserably and pushing my spouse further away.
What should I do? how can I overcome such a strong desire to know the truth, how can I control my emotions when I so often feel convinced of infidelity?
Any wisdom, advice or support would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.

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Hi Harmonie7,

All I can tell you is what I would do: If there were signs that my spouse was cheating on me, I would do what I needed to do (within the law and my rights) to find out. That might include me following him, hiring a private investigator, searching through phone records, or doing whatever I needed to do to get answers. But that's just me...

If you have suspicions that your spouse is cheating, that is something you should take very seriously and not discount or sweep under the rug. You'll never have peace until you know one way or the other. That's just my .02.

If my spirit is filled with unrest there’s usually a reason. Whenever I’ve sensed something deeply about the opposite sex, especially deception, I’m usually right.

Prayer is the first response. You need to take this to the Lord and ask Him to uncover the hidden things in your marriage. That will impact you both. But His truth will lead to healing and restoration.

I would speak with a marriage counselor. You need to get out of your head and talk with someone objective. If you decide to hire a detective, be mindful of the possibility you’re wrong or not. Are you prepared for that?

I think a conversation is on order. But I would broach it once you’ve spoken to the Lord and the counselor. You’ll be calmer and able to discuss the situation lovingly without hurt feelings.

I would share concerns for him and the distance you’ve noticed. Inquire about work and the areas of stress he has. Don’t steamroll him with accusations. Listen. Let him talk. Watch his body language. See if the question mark remains.

Harmonie7 said:

My spouse believes in God but is not baptised and doesn't feel ready to make the commitment.
I've had strong feelings for some years that there has been or still is adultery.
I have no hard evidence but little things keep cropping up such as a youtube vid in history about guilt over cheating, I also found an item in our car that clearly belongs to someone else (no one else goes in our car I know of except us and children) and distant behaviour.
I'm afraid I can't go into too much detail for privacy reasons.
Another reason for doubting my spouses honesty is that there was some serious deception towards me some years back. It wasn't to do with cheating but serious and very hurtful nonetheless.
On the other hand, my partner has been patient and supportive in many ways + we get along well and have a good life together 90% of the time. We also have children and finances are complicated so separating would be extremely difficult.
The not knowing and just having a sense of adultery is a disturbing way to live and I have let the frustration of it get the better of me on several occasions by losing my cool, making accusations and attempting to control the situation by often requesting honesty, to know the truth.
I have looked on spouses phones/laptop hoping to find something - Shame on me.
Above all of this, I want to be right with God and conduct myself in a way that glorifies him. I feel I am failing miserably and pushing my spouse further away.
What should I do? how can I overcome such a strong desire to know the truth, how can I control my emotions when I so often feel convinced of infidelity?
Any wisdom, advice or support would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.

Click to expand...

Pray fervently to the Lord and ask him to expose the truth to you as to whether or not it is true so the suspicion can end. Keep praying until it is so .... He will do this ... He did it for me and it was pretty amazing how He did it. I spent several weeks in prayer.

God Bless.

Harmonie7 said:

My spouse believes in God but is not baptised and doesn't feel ready to make the commitment.
I've had strong feelings for some years that there has been or still is adultery.
I have no hard evidence but little things keep cropping up such as a youtube vid in history about guilt over cheating, I also found an item in our car that clearly belongs to someone else (no one else goes in our car I know of except us and children) and distant behaviour.
I'm afraid I can't go into too much detail for privacy reasons.
Another reason for doubting my spouses honesty is that there was some serious deception towards me some years back. It wasn't to do with cheating but serious and very hurtful nonetheless.
On the other hand, my partner has been patient and supportive in many ways + we get along well and have a good life together 90% of the time. We also have children and finances are complicated so separating would be extremely difficult.
The not knowing and just having a sense of adultery is a disturbing way to live and I have let the frustration of it get the better of me on several occasions by losing my cool, making accusations and attempting to control the situation by often requesting honesty, to know the truth.
I have looked on spouses phones/laptop hoping to find something - Shame on me.
Above all of this, I want to be right with God and conduct myself in a way that glorifies him. I feel I am failing miserably and pushing my spouse further away.
What should I do? how can I overcome such a strong desire to know the truth, how can I control my emotions when I so often feel convinced of infidelity?
Any wisdom, advice or support would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.

Click to expand...

Oh, how my heart aches over situations like this! My sister went through this some years ago but, alas, it appears she did not make Christ her champion in the matter and it ended tragically. I am even more familiar with her case than would be natural for a concerned sibling, since her now ex-husband just happened to be my best friend. I needn't go into much explanation to state the obvious difficulty this added to an already awful situation. At one point she wouldn't speak to me for years, as she expected me to join her in her fierce hatred toward her husband. As is always the case in these matters, complications and misunderstandings were the rule.

My Sister, You need the Comforter in a way You might never have imagined possible before. You must now cling desperately to Jesus for sustenance and protection and familiarize Yourself with the characteristic snares the enemy of souls has fashioned for those who find themselves in Your particular position. I hate to give short advice that might be perceived by the hearer as fairly thoughtless. But as much as I sympathize with You, I fear it would be dishonest of me to withhold my suspicion that You may have to bear what will likely feel like nearly all the weight of this burden. But do not allow the devil to thus deceive You. I am assuming that You are very serious when You say "Above all of this, I want to be right with God and conduct myself in a way that glorifies him." This is the key to Your victory and happiness. He will never leave You, nor forsake You, even (and especially) if You make mistakes and suffer great setbacks.

There is much to justify and commend Your efforts. You have, Yourself, proven to be keenly aware of three heavily motivating factors in Your favor: You say that Your relationship is 90% satisfactory, apart from the obvious difficulty. This clearly shows that You do not have the attitude of many, who pounce upon the permission (not intended as the default option) to divorce in the case of adultery. If a sincere Christian cannot forgive adultery, who can? You say, in the same context of redemptive motivation that You have precious little (at any age) ones. In today's society, it is common to use children as a tool to justify divorce. It is obvious that Your values have been shaped by lucid, righteous principles and influences. Finally, You seem to be open to the possibility that You might bear some guilt, not necessarily (and rightly so, in all likelihood) for the behavior of Your spouse, but merely in general with regard to Your current circumstances. However correct You may be in this, You must dispose of it at the foot of the cross. You cannot bear it, and it will only hinder Your further efforts to alleviate Your dilemma. You should not hesitate to be very practical about this. Give no quarter to undue sentimentalism. It is a snare of the adversary of souls. He loves to taunt Christ when it succeeds. He says, "Lo, Your people, who are called by Your Name have scarce little faith in the efficacy of Your sacrifice in their behalf." Do not afford him this victory and pleasure.

Finally, I would share with You the secret of success You seem to be aware of, to a degree which is not mine to judge: Nothing is loved and rewarded by God like self-sacrificing, other-centered love. It is literally the exhibition of His very character, image, glory, and essence. If You consent to receive this gift, You will truly know Him more and more, day by day, regardless of any and all outcome and circumstances. He is with You; Go with Him; You cannot fail.

As much as it may comfort You, I will have You and Your family in my prayers and In the prayers of those with whom I trust with such petitions before the throne.