According to the premise of each person being their own adult and not subject to the control and judgemental superiority of the other, you need to come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement about the kids and faith.
That's the problem. There is no agreement. He made the decision, after telling me it's what he, as the leader and head of the home decided, he was going to do. Despite my feelings, despite my opinions, despite my counsel, despite my objections, which still continue to this day. He does what ever he wants...and I just have to shut up, because "headship" and all. But if I want to do something I think is in the best interest of all of us (including him), he tells me no and then gives me all sorts of reasons that he deems are valid. And of course, his reasons are the only ones that matter, even though he tells me mine do too...he's already made up his mind, so my opinion is dead in the water. He's proven that already. So the religion thing is something I can't even discuss with him, because he just gets mad, throws his tantrum (exactly as you've outlined that tantrums go, above) and we get nowhere, except him getting his way, still. Because now, our two youngest are confirmed Catholics and according to him, would have to denounce the faith in order to go to any other church. And the whole reason they agreed to be confirmed, was because they felt coerced and manipulated into it, because dad has that manipulative way, and they knew he'd be upset if they didn't go along with what he wanted. Both have told me they wished they could still attend my church once in a while, and they felt they were somewhat forced into deciding to go to his church. I've always said they should be able to go to both of ours...but my husband refuses to hear me...or......listen to reason. His mind is made up and that's all the matters. No compromise is possible because he thinks it's HIS decision to make.....ya know..."headship" and all. He has basically shut me out completely on this issue.
And I'm sure I mentioned it before, but he often makes rude, mocking and criticizing comments about Protestants in general (which includes me) and in front of the kids, and it hurts, but he doesn't care. He has obvious disdain for anyone who is not an SSPX Catholic, as he is. He infers that anyone not of his EXACT religion is lesser than, and probably not going to Heaven, etc. He's basically said as much. So how do I make it work when he has that attitude and refuses to even respect my beliefs or faith at all? This is what we knew for the first 11 years of our marriage, as we both went to the same church and believed the same things, and practiced the same way. Then HE took the path toward Catholicism, and decided to go on his own there...and then force our 2 younger kids to go too. Luckily he allowed our oldest to decide, and he chose to go with me. But my husband tells me lately, that I'm lucky he doesn't force me to go to his church, and that he could if he wanted to, but he knows that isn't the way to do it, so he won't. It makes me sick to my stomach at how chauvenistic he's become since he joined that church. He was not like that before. He was not so legalistic and locked on following all these rules and regulations that his church has put forth. And he never reads his Bible. He always just reads his Missile, so I don't even think he's getting actual scriptures. But he acts so smug and superior to me, preaching at me like he's totally in line with God and I'm so beneath him, because I'm just a "Protestant". And he pushes, no....he beats me over the head metaphorically, with all this Biblical follow the rules crap....insisting I have to do this and I have to do that...but totally either ignoring the parts HE is supposed to do, or twisting it totally out of context to fulfill HIS needs, HIS wants. It always comes back to HIM being served first.
So I sit here, time and again, praying over all this and knowing in my heart and my soul that this is wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. A wife should not feel this way. A husband should not treat his wife that way. I feel that if a husband has to constantly berate his wife with biblical verses to get her in line with what he thinks is Biblical rules to follow, than HE is not doing HIS job correctly, as Jesus has instructed him to do, biblically. I remember Greg Laurie (of Harvest Mnistries) has often said, you focus on what YOU are supposed to do, not what your mate is supposed to do. You take care of your responsibilities to God, not theirs. So that's what I try to do. I don't ever remind him or point it out to him, what HIS role is supposed to be....unless he asks me. I just try to do my part, what I'm supposed to do, and it is harder and harder every day, when my husband has become demanding, to the point of controlling and pushing his own needs and desires under the guise of godly works. It's wrong. I KNOW it is. THIS is not what marriage is supposed to be. I know that and it breaks my heart, because I feel trapped.
So with respect to the car usage, if he's not enthusiastic about you driving your quite new car for 2,000 miles, perhaps you would need to drive his car, or rent a car for the trip, or buy airline tickets.
That's the point. We don't have the funds to rent a car or pay for airline tickets (when tickets would be over $600 roundtrip per person). And why would we do that, when my van is free and capable, to use? If you think it's a point to prove that other solutions aren't feesible, how does that help my cause, when we end up back at square one, which he has a problem with to begin with? And as it is my parents are covering the cost for fuel. And his car is not an option because it's in worse shape mechanically than mine, its older and has triple the miles than mine. Not to mention, won't hold the people going. The whole reason I'm taking my van, is because it's newer and has less miles and is road safe and can seat 7 people. We have 4, maybe 5, adults and 5 kids going. So with my van and my parents vehicle, we would be able to carry all the people together.
If the cost is the issue, perhaps you're not happy with some of the other costs in the budget that are preventing an inexpensive, mostly gifted trip to attend a wedding.
There is nothing there to compromise with, since the only other cost I'm paying for is our food, which I'm paying for regardless of whether we go or stay, we all have to eat no matter what, right? So not sure where the compromise on that would be. Just insanity that he doesn't recognize the free trip the kids and I can take. This opportunity to spend time with my family (see my sister and my niece whom I rarely get to see because they live so far away and don't visit us very often). A chance to make memories with my family and kids. And a chance we wouldn't otherwise get to take, to get away and actually TAKE a vacation, instead of what we usually do, a staycation.
This whole thing is insane. He's so legalistic in his approach to this and keeps pushing his hatred for my cousins church. She's apparently getting married in a Vatican 2 church. This is not the same religion as I, since I am non-denominational. And the way I see it, is Jesus would not have a problem with this at all. Jesus didn't discriminate or turn his back on people who had different beliefs or ways of doing things. I just can't understand how absolute he is in his thinking that HIS church is the ONLY real church that Jesus recognizes and all others are heretic and evil. How does this thinking align with what Christ taught? Because I've read a good portion of the Bible and this way of thinking seems TOTALLY contradictive to Gods word. It's antithetical, if not outright heretical in itself, IMO. But he refuses to see otherwise.
And just to be clear, when we got married, we were both non-denominational and got married in a regular Christian (4-square) church by a pastor we had gone thru marital counseling with. So he hasn't ever experienced any Catholic wedding, Vatican 1 or Vatican 2. And other than what he's being fed by his church, his parents and his own Googling, he seems more hateful toward other faiths, than non-believers sometimes are. Even hateful against me and my faith. It goes without saying, our home is divided.
I tried talking to him more about it this evening, and my emotions got the better of me and we ended up yelling at each other. I was trying to keep calm and talk to him about why he again told the younger kids it was a no on the trip, but he claims he was apologizing to them for my outburst the other night and said my outburst was because he was still saying no to the trip. I wanted to make sure he understood that I'm not on board with that and still want to go. I wanted to know that he heard me the other night and that he understood I meant what I'd said. He of course, focused in on the fact that I told him I have one leg in our marriage and one leg out, because I'm so unhappy and miserable with the way things are. And instead of focusing on WHY I feel that way, he takes issue with that, saying it's a threat. But I wasn't threatening him, I was explaining to him how i feel. And he keeps insisting it's a threat and he'd never use our relationship to threaten that, and then he throws out, he meant his vows and marriage is for life, etc etc. And I agree, when I got married, I meant it for life too...hence why I've been putting up with so much crap from him, because I keep praying and hoping it'll get better. But it's not getting better, and just trying to tell him how I feel, and he isn't hearing me. He's dead set we're never getting separated or divorced - he won't allow it. I've told him before that I was in a place where I felt like I wanted to be separated and he just got upset and told me never to threaten him. He doesn't stop to ask or find out WHY I feel that way, or what has made me feel that way or get to that point. He just sees it as a threat to us being together and then he gets upset and starts throwing a tantrum. But it's not a threat. Im TRYING to telling him, that is where I am at, mentally and emotionally. He's not getting it.
In an earlier conversation a couple weeks ago, I mentioned that the whole religion thing makes me feel like he took my rights as our kids mother, away, because our youngest two now can only go to his church and he refuses to let them ever go with me or participate in any religious activity with me, because he is against my "Protestant" status. I said, I feel like I'd have more rights if I went and got custody rights thru a court of law. So to him, that was a threat that I was going to sue him for custody. And so he yelled at me never to threaten him again, even though I explained it wasn't a threat, it was just trying to make a point of what I am feeling.
It's obvious we are not on the same page, but it's like we are reading from different books. He isn't hearing me tell him years of animosity and resentment have built up because of his bad behaviors over the years, his verbal, mental and psychological abuse have taken a toll on my trust...and that takes time to rebuild. Not to mention that now, instead of verbal abuse, it's controlling abuse and he is refusing to see it. I was trying to tell him, albeit loudly, that it's not just something I can "let go of", because it's still happening...and he kept talking over me, telling me basically that I'm Satan and calling me Lucifer, for trying to tell him how I feel.
Then he said if he told the kids they weren't going to Texas, they wouldn't go. And I said, yes, they would, because they told me they want to go as badly as I do. So he gets up and runs thru the house, telling the younger ones, they aren't going to Texas because he said so. And of course, they nodded in agreement. But as soon as he walked away, they looked at me and said "we're still going though, right mom"? It's like I'm dealing with a 5 year old maniac, who hungers for ultimate control and TO BE RIGHT. He tells me it's not about control, then he pulls that? How is that NOT about control?
So that's where we ended the night. Him calling me Lucifer and me telling him I really don't like him.
And I believe his reasons and concerns about this trip are....when it comes right down to it....about control, even though he claims it's not feelings or desires at all, it's just logic that he's using. By what logic is it, that a husband, who claims to love his wife, trying to do everything he can and find every little tiny reason possible, to hinder her from being with her family, knowing her desires, knowing her wishes, knowing he is insulting her and crushing her spirit by doing so, but still insisting his reasons stand and his say goes? I'm so absolutely livid, I could scream. He has no clue what sacrifice is. He has no clue what being selfless is. He has no clue what laying down your life, for your wife is. Because he's never been willing to do that....and continues not to, either.
So what do I do with that? What happens when I find his reasons petty and invalid? And what happens when I tell him his concerns are insulting to me and disrespectful to me and try to counter point his concerns, and he tells me my counter points don't matter?
As much as I hate to be a b-word....do I have to literally smile and nod until the day of the trip, and then leave as soon as he leaves for work? He can't stop us then.