Predicament with a fellow believer

BigRed009 · May 21, 2019

Hey there, folks.

So I need some advice from the perspective of some other Christians.

Since I started volunteering at my church, I've known a much older man who is there with us. It seems like he may have some sort of mental disability, but I don't ask.

He's very nice and all but almost every time he sees me (whether I'm volunteering or not) he asks for a ride home on the other side of town (which is kind of far). I've given him rides home before and I wouldn't mind. I'll at least give him something for the bus if I can't. But it seems like almost everytime I go to church now he's asking for a ride and for money.

Once, he asked for $5 for a "drink." I didn't have much concern. I thought he was maybe getting a gallon of something to drink for the week, idk. I know he doesn't have a car. I was feeling generous and gave him some money. As I was waiting for him at the gas station (on the way to his house) I saw he spent it on some huge slurpy or something. I don't mean to sound cheap but I don't exactly have a lot of money. I have to stay somewhat frugal each month and I don't like the idea of my cash being spent on something like that.

I don't like doing things out on a whim (it's just how I am). I plan out my days. So when I go to church, I kind of dread him coming up and asking me for stuff. My whole relationship with him is him coming up to me and asking me for stuff.

I know he's poor and has a condition it seems, but I'm sort of conflicted. I know for him a ride home is a blessing compared to taking the bus and I don't want to deny a brother asking for some help, but I'm honestly getting tired of this.

Last Sunday, right after service, he did it again. He ran up, started walking with me on my left, put his hand over my right shoulder and said "Hey, lemme ask you something" and he asked me for a ride and money. At that point I started getting annoyed. I hate it when people do that dominance move on you by putting their hand on your other shoulder, with their arm over you. I find it extremely disrespectful.

I want to know if I should be setting some limits.

I don't want to get a cold heart. I want to help my brothers and sisters out when they ask for help and to do God's will. I do care that he gets home, especially with reliable transport, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

What do you guys think?

Bible Highlighter · May 21, 2019

I would talk it over with the Pastor of the church. He should be able to help in finding a ride with someone who is more comfortable and able to help in these circumstances. Also, pray about it, and ask the Lord for you to help someone else who is poor on the street, and or to help someone who needs encouragement to follow the Lord, etc. Ask God to help you to find another avenue to redirect your talents for God that you are more comfortable with.

In the meantime, pray for this person and only have good and loving thoughts towards them, and treat them with love and respect. But that does not mean you have to keep giving them rides, and for them to keep taking your money that you don't really have (So that they can spend it on things that are frivolous).

quietpraiyze · May 21, 2019

Well I think you know that you need to set limits for this person. His behavior is inappropriate. Does your church have a “help's ministry” or Deacons where others can receive support? I think you should probably seek them out, tell them what's going on, and release this man to their care so that they can deal with his situation. They might or might not be aware of his behavior. So you need to let church staff know what's going on. Also you need to let this man know that you are no longer comfortable with him asking you for anything and the answer is "no". Sometimes people are savvy in their “taking” so you need to be consistent in saying "no". Don't do sometimes yes and then sometimes no. If after you've talked with church staff and he's still asking for things, just let him know you're not available (no) and redirect him back to church staff....

JacobKStarkey · May 21, 2019

Ask the Pastor, and be guided by that.

We had a guy in our church who was disabled with several strokes and a problem with his nervous system from them. He was single-minded on issues (a big Ben Carson fan back then). He could not drive.

He asked me for rides to the doctor over in Burnet, and it would be two hours. I was feeling irked but kept doing this, and he would ask me on the way home to take him to the store. The last time he asked, and I complied but asked the Lord to give me grace in my heart for I felt used.

Two days he died from a massive convulsion and stroke.

I did not feel used then.

SeventhFisherofMen · May 22, 2019

BigRed009 said:
Hey there, folks.

So I need some advice from the perspective of some other Christians.

Since I started volunteering at my church, I've known a much older man who is there with us. It seems like he may have some sort of mental disability, but I don't ask.

He's very nice and all but almost every time he sees me (whether I'm volunteering or not) he asks for a ride home on the other side of town (which is kind of far). I've given him rides home before and I wouldn't mind. I'll at least give him something for the bus if I can't. But it seems like almost everytime I go to church now he's asking for a ride and for money.

Once, he asked for $5 for a "drink." I didn't have much concern. I thought he was maybe getting a gallon of something to drink for the week, idk. I know he doesn't have a car. I was feeling generous and gave him some money. As I was waiting for him at the gas station (on the way to his house) I saw he spent it on some huge slurpy or something. I don't mean to sound cheap but I don't exactly have a lot of money. I have to stay somewhat frugal each month and I don't like the idea of my cash being spent on something like that.

I don't like doing things out on a whim (it's just how I am). I plan out my days. So when I go to church, I kind of dread him coming up and asking me for stuff. My whole relationship with him is him coming up to me and asking me for stuff.

I know he's poor and has a condition it seems, but I'm sort of conflicted. I know for him a ride home is a blessing compared to taking the bus and I don't want to deny a brother asking for some help, but I'm honestly getting tired of this.

Last Sunday, right after service, he did it again. He ran up, started walking with me on my left, put his hand over my right shoulder and said "Hey, lemme ask you something" and he asked me for a ride and money. At that point I started getting annoyed. I hate it when people do that dominance move on you by putting their hand on your other shoulder, with their arm over you. I find it extremely disrespectful.

I want to know if I should be setting some limits.

I don't want to get a cold heart. I want to help my brothers and sisters out when they ask for help and to do God's will. I do care that he gets home, especially with reliable transport, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

What do you guys think?

I say put your foot down and say “sorry I can’t give you a ride today.”

It will not be fun saying so at first and you may have second thoughts on the way home even like you’re doing something wrong, don’t listen to the guilt trip thoughts the enemy might send your way, you need to stand up for yourself.

Like I said put your foot down and say no. Also on a side note yes I totally agree I hate when people touch me that I don’t want touching me even if they mean it in a friendly way if it comes off negative it is a huge mood changer.

Joined2krist · May 22, 2019

I think you should let your Pastor know what's going on. He should be able to handle this, it's not your sole responsibility to take him home all the time or give him money. He may even have a drug problem. Your Pastor should find out if the man can handle a job and if he can, he should help him by asking people who may need his service. God bless

Albion · May 22, 2019

The guy probably doesn't think he is being abusive, especially since you are kind enough to always agree to help him out. But before taking action, it would be a good idea to speak with the pastor, I agree. He most likely knows all about what makes the man act as he does, what his financial condition is, and other facts that you need in order to make a sound decision about your own actions hereafter.

A Realist · May 22, 2019

BigRed009 said:
Hey there, folks.

So I need some advice from the perspective of some other Christians.

Since I started volunteering at my church, I've known a much older man who is there with us. It seems like he may have some sort of mental disability, but I don't ask.

He's very nice and all but almost every time he sees me (whether I'm volunteering or not) he asks for a ride home on the other side of town (which is kind of far). I've given him rides home before and I wouldn't mind. I'll at least give him something for the bus if I can't. But it seems like almost everytime I go to church now he's asking for a ride and for money.

Once, he asked for $5 for a "drink." I didn't have much concern. I thought he was maybe getting a gallon of something to drink for the week, idk. I know he doesn't have a car. I was feeling generous and gave him some money. As I was waiting for him at the gas station (on the way to his house) I saw he spent it on some huge slurpy or something. I don't mean to sound cheap but I don't exactly have a lot of money. I have to stay somewhat frugal each month and I don't like the idea of my cash being spent on something like that.

I don't like doing things out on a whim (it's just how I am). I plan out my days. So when I go to church, I kind of dread him coming up and asking me for stuff. My whole relationship with him is him coming up to me and asking me for stuff.

I know he's poor and has a condition it seems, but I'm sort of conflicted. I know for him a ride home is a blessing compared to taking the bus and I don't want to deny a brother asking for some help, but I'm honestly getting tired of this.

Last Sunday, right after service, he did it again. He ran up, started walking with me on my left, put his hand over my right shoulder and said "Hey, lemme ask you something" and he asked me for a ride and money. At that point I started getting annoyed. I hate it when people do that dominance move on you by putting their hand on your other shoulder, with their arm over you. I find it extremely disrespectful.

I want to know if I should be setting some limits.

I don't want to get a cold heart. I want to help my brothers and sisters out when they ask for help and to do God's will. I do care that he gets home, especially with reliable transport, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

What do you guys think?

My guess is that you're the "new guy" in the volunteer group and he's latched onto you since he's probably tried/done the same thing to others in the group, and they've gotten wise to it and stopped letting him take advantage of them.

aiki · May 22, 2019

BigRed009 said:
I want to know if I should be setting some limits.

I don't want to get a cold heart. I want to help my brothers and sisters out when they ask for help and to do God's will. I do care that he gets home, especially with reliable transport, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

What do you guys think?

You want to set limits? Why haven't you done so already? Certainly, if you detest someone putting their arm on you as the fellow did, you should have removed his arm (from you, not from him).

If the fellow has a mental disability, he may have a problem understanding and observing proper social boundaries. You may simply have to be direct with him. There is a fellow in our church who is very much like this fellow you've described. He has a mental disability. Once you tell him where the boundaries are, he takes pains to observe them. If you don't, though, well, he will stomp all over them without a thought. Tell your "friend" you don't have a lot of spare cash and so don't want to fund frivolous purchases.

I would say, though that your money isn't really your money. It's God's. And He would rather we err on the side of generosity, I think, when we can. It's easier to do this - it's a joy, in fact, - when your giving is "as unto the Lord." Think of the car rides and money you give to this fellow as sacrifices of love unto God - which they ought always to be, anyway.

1 Corinthians 10:31
31 Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Andrew77 · May 23, 2019

BigRed009 said:
Hey there, folks.

So I need some advice from the perspective of some other Christians.

Since I started volunteering at my church, I've known a much older man who is there with us. It seems like he may have some sort of mental disability, but I don't ask.

He's very nice and all but almost every time he sees me (whether I'm volunteering or not) he asks for a ride home on the other side of town (which is kind of far). I've given him rides home before and I wouldn't mind. I'll at least give him something for the bus if I can't. But it seems like almost everytime I go to church now he's asking for a ride and for money.

Once, he asked for $5 for a "drink." I didn't have much concern. I thought he was maybe getting a gallon of something to drink for the week, idk. I know he doesn't have a car. I was feeling generous and gave him some money. As I was waiting for him at the gas station (on the way to his house) I saw he spent it on some huge slurpy or something. I don't mean to sound cheap but I don't exactly have a lot of money. I have to stay somewhat frugal each month and I don't like the idea of my cash being spent on something like that.

I don't like doing things out on a whim (it's just how I am). I plan out my days. So when I go to church, I kind of dread him coming up and asking me for stuff. My whole relationship with him is him coming up to me and asking me for stuff.

I know he's poor and has a condition it seems, but I'm sort of conflicted. I know for him a ride home is a blessing compared to taking the bus and I don't want to deny a brother asking for some help, but I'm honestly getting tired of this.

Last Sunday, right after service, he did it again. He ran up, started walking with me on my left, put his hand over my right shoulder and said "Hey, lemme ask you something" and he asked me for a ride and money. At that point I started getting annoyed. I hate it when people do that dominance move on you by putting their hand on your other shoulder, with their arm over you. I find it extremely disrespectful.

I want to know if I should be setting some limits.

I don't want to get a cold heart. I want to help my brothers and sisters out when they ask for help and to do God's will. I do care that he gets home, especially with reliable transport, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

What do you guys think?

Yup, that putting his hand over your shoulder thing..... Other people may think badly of me, but that deal right there sealed it completely... that's a not a friend or a brother, that's a user who thinks he found a victim, and I'll be putting that boy through re-education camp fast.

I've seen that move before. That is the used car-salesman move, that he does right before he sells the car with three salvage titles to the sucker.

If you are telling the truth, and that is exactly what happened, then if I'm you this relationship just vanished. My skin started crawling just reading that.

So in your most polite and friendly tone that you can choke out, you say

"I'm sorry brother, I don't have any money for you, and I have plans after church today."

You might money, but it's not for him. And your plan is.... to go home. That is in fact a legitimate plan in my book.

SeventhFisherofMen · May 23, 2019

Andrew77 said:
Yup, that putting his hand over your shoulder thing..... Other people may think badly of me, but that deal right there sealed it completely... that's a not a friend or a brother, that's a user who thinks he found a victim, and I'll be putting that boy through re-education camp fast.

I've seen that move before. That is the used car-salesman move, that he does right before he sells the car with three salvage titles to the sucker.

If you are telling the truth, and that is exactly what happened, then if I'm you this relationship just vanished. My skin started crawling just reading that.

So in your most polite and friendly tone that you can choke out, you say

"I'm sorry brother, I don't have any money for you, and I have plans after church today."

You might money, but it's not for him. And your plan is.... to go home. That is in fact a legitimate plan in my book.

Amen preach it brother

carp614 · May 23, 2019

Limits are healthy, seek guidance as to setting them in a God honoring way.

Don't give away what you cannot do without.

If you are unhappy about how your blessing is being used...well...in whose name are you blessing? Give a handout to someone in obedience to the Lord. How that person uses the handout is a reflection of their obedience to the Lord (or lack thereof).

Andrew77 · May 23, 2019

I could almost hear that guy saying, when he put his arm over his shoulder "Have I got a deal for you!" as he walks him to a 2003 Saturn ION with 200,000 miles, and spray paint on the fender.

DM25 · May 24, 2019

quietpraiyze said:
His behavior is inappropriate.

The OP said he had a mental disability. It's not his fault..

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