- Feb 19, 2017
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Okay, so... remember how I said a few threads ago that I was feeling like I might die soon and that I wasn't scared of it? I take that back, at least for right now.
Last night and even today, my heart has been weeping for and mourning so many different people who have died in tragic ways. I just feel so bad for them, but at the same time, I think it might be getting to me a bit too much.
Last night, after reading how one poor guy died, I was feeling pretty afraid to go to sleep. I kept feeling like the spirit of the dead guy was going to come into my room at any time, just because I was thinking of him. I was so scared that I couldn't even say my prayer out loud when I prayed for his soul, just in case speaking would cause something scary to happen. Then I tried to sleep, but the moment I turned off the lights I freaked out. Thankfully I have a night light in my room, so I turned that on and it helped just a little bit... but I was still scared, so I turned on some comedic YouTube videos to fall asleep listening to. I thought the videos would drown out my own thoughts and fears, but I was wrong. I ended up having a nightmare and seeing so many deaths and dead people in it. It was so scary.
Now, today, I'm still feeling shaken up. It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm still feeling very scared about this. And I'm feeling almost morbidly obsessed with death. I'm scared that I'm going to die at any moment and so I've been avoiding places that are concealed or shaded, I've been driving extremely carefully, I've made sure to tell my grandparents about my movements today, and yeah... I'm just very scared right now. Scared out of my wits.
I know that worrying about death won't make it go away, nor is my fear based in anything in fact (at least, I hope not), but I'm just ever so scared that I'm going to die because of the fact that when you die, you always die alone. You can't hold the hand of someone else's soul when you die, you just die alone and meet your maker alone and you get judged alone and it's just so scary to me.
What if I die before I'm able to be received into the Catholic Church? It's not like I'm baptized, so I have no "insurance" to help me. I'm scared of what will happen when I die and, even worse, if I'm wrong about the afterlife and it turns out that we just cease to exist after death.
And aside from that, I'm also so very scared of being dealt with in any way after death. I'm scared of the dark. I don't want to be buried 6 feet deep in the ground where I'll be all alone, and I'm scared of the natural process of my body starting to putrify, breaking down, and worms eating away at me. But I'm also scared of being left alone with no one to find me. And then there's the option of being in a moseleum, which is still not comforting and is very scary. And I absolutely do NOT want to be creamated. My (Muslim) mom says we can still feel things after death (which is why the Angel of Death can torture us in the grave and it will hurt if we were bad during this life), and while I hope to think that she just fed me hogwash, what if she's right? I'd feel my body's natural reflexes as it curled up in pain from the flames and turned my body to ashes (I saw a mortician's video on creamation and, if memory serves me correctly, people's bodies do react to the flames).
I guess it doesn't help that I've also listened to some tragic 9-1-1 calls too today, in an attempt to somehow cope with the fear and grief I've been feeling today (please don't listen to the 9-1-1 calls of Brittany Murphy or River Phoenix. It's not worth it). Just hearing them cry, wail, and freak out in desperation is too much. It's just too much... but, even if I hadn't listened to those calls, I'd still be having this really bad reaction right now.
I admit that I feel slightly better after typing all of this out, but I'm still pretty scared all the same. Does anyone have any advice or words of reason/comfort to help me calm down a little bit?
Last night and even today, my heart has been weeping for and mourning so many different people who have died in tragic ways. I just feel so bad for them, but at the same time, I think it might be getting to me a bit too much.
Last night, after reading how one poor guy died, I was feeling pretty afraid to go to sleep. I kept feeling like the spirit of the dead guy was going to come into my room at any time, just because I was thinking of him. I was so scared that I couldn't even say my prayer out loud when I prayed for his soul, just in case speaking would cause something scary to happen. Then I tried to sleep, but the moment I turned off the lights I freaked out. Thankfully I have a night light in my room, so I turned that on and it helped just a little bit... but I was still scared, so I turned on some comedic YouTube videos to fall asleep listening to. I thought the videos would drown out my own thoughts and fears, but I was wrong. I ended up having a nightmare and seeing so many deaths and dead people in it. It was so scary.
Now, today, I'm still feeling shaken up. It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm still feeling very scared about this. And I'm feeling almost morbidly obsessed with death. I'm scared that I'm going to die at any moment and so I've been avoiding places that are concealed or shaded, I've been driving extremely carefully, I've made sure to tell my grandparents about my movements today, and yeah... I'm just very scared right now. Scared out of my wits.
I know that worrying about death won't make it go away, nor is my fear based in anything in fact (at least, I hope not), but I'm just ever so scared that I'm going to die because of the fact that when you die, you always die alone. You can't hold the hand of someone else's soul when you die, you just die alone and meet your maker alone and you get judged alone and it's just so scary to me.
What if I die before I'm able to be received into the Catholic Church? It's not like I'm baptized, so I have no "insurance" to help me. I'm scared of what will happen when I die and, even worse, if I'm wrong about the afterlife and it turns out that we just cease to exist after death.
And aside from that, I'm also so very scared of being dealt with in any way after death. I'm scared of the dark. I don't want to be buried 6 feet deep in the ground where I'll be all alone, and I'm scared of the natural process of my body starting to putrify, breaking down, and worms eating away at me. But I'm also scared of being left alone with no one to find me. And then there's the option of being in a moseleum, which is still not comforting and is very scary. And I absolutely do NOT want to be creamated. My (Muslim) mom says we can still feel things after death (which is why the Angel of Death can torture us in the grave and it will hurt if we were bad during this life), and while I hope to think that she just fed me hogwash, what if she's right? I'd feel my body's natural reflexes as it curled up in pain from the flames and turned my body to ashes (I saw a mortician's video on creamation and, if memory serves me correctly, people's bodies do react to the flames).
I guess it doesn't help that I've also listened to some tragic 9-1-1 calls too today, in an attempt to somehow cope with the fear and grief I've been feeling today (please don't listen to the 9-1-1 calls of Brittany Murphy or River Phoenix. It's not worth it). Just hearing them cry, wail, and freak out in desperation is too much. It's just too much... but, even if I hadn't listened to those calls, I'd still be having this really bad reaction right now.
I admit that I feel slightly better after typing all of this out, but I'm still pretty scared all the same. Does anyone have any advice or words of reason/comfort to help me calm down a little bit?
