Update on my daughter issues

Boidae · Feb 18, 2019

It's been a little bit since I updated things on my 18 year old daughter who moved out the day after she turned 18 because I am too controlling. As I mentioned before, she went back to live with her mom and her mom was encouraging her to get a GED. That never happened. She didn't go back to school either.

She has come back down here, not living with me as I won't allow her to as she brings strife and discord to my apartment and her younger siblings do not need that. She is living with her boyfriend with her mother's blessing. Her mother paid for her to come back down here. Although, her mother has already said to me that she expects a phone call asking to come back up there within a month.

My daughter messaged me a couple Sundays ago wanting to come over to see me. I told her it has to be a weekend and not with the boyfriend. I suspected that she had ulterior motives in this and she didn't prove me wrong. The conversation devolved with her basically screaming at me over messages about how crappy a father I am for leaving them over 10 years ago, that I am pathetic, etc, etc, etc.... I simply told her that I don't need her to come over to my home for her to tell me all this. That I already know her opinion of me and her younger siblings don't need to hear it. She basically accused me of not wanting to be a man and taking what she has to give me in conversation. I reminded her that there is my side of what happened that led to her mother and I breaking up (we weren't married) and that I am not ready to tell my side, but I have accepted my part that I played in it. Her mother has yet to do the same and continues to just blame me.

I will not tell her my side because she has a younger full sibling who is only twelve and has no choice in where she can live if my revelation of what happened ruins her relationship with her mother. She has six years to go and I am not going to do that to her. I am protecting her. She would not come live with me because she doesn't really see me as her father because she was only two years old when we broke up and I left and went 1200 miles away. She grew up with another man in her life as her dad and I am thankful for him and hold no ill will towards him and his part in what happened as he too had a part in it. He has also passed away.

Anyway, that's my update. It's been hard and I have held onto my side of the story going on eleven years and not told any of them.

Am I in the wrong for holding back?

Darkhorse · Feb 18, 2019

Of course, this is very sketchy information for such a complex situation, but I suspect your judgment is sound. Families do not need avoidable disruption and turmoil, and that goes double for the children in them.

Good to hear from you again.

paul1149 · Feb 18, 2019

Boidae said:
Am I in the wrong for holding back?

I did much the same in my situation, to my own hurt. I had joint custody, and I never down-talked my exwife - to the kids, or hardly to anyone really, because it would have been destructive to the kids, and because I had brought my own failings to the marriage, despite being faithful to it and trying very hard to make it work. Now the kids are of age and they can make their own judgments. If asked, I will tell my side, but I won't chase after them.

I think your judgment is very sound, in a difficult situation.

mkgal1 · Feb 18, 2019

Boidae said:
I will not tell her my side because she has a younger full sibling who is only twelve and has no choice in where she can live if my revelation of what happened ruins her relationship with her mother. She has six years to go and I am not going to do that to her. I am protecting her. She would not come live with me because she doesn't really see me as her father because she was only two years old when we broke up and I left and went 1200 miles away. She grew up with another man in her life as her dad and I am thankful for him and hold no ill will towards him and his part in what happened as he too had a part in it. He has also passed away.

That's tough for the children (and difficult on you, too). They've endured a lot of loss already, and I know that has to be really confusing for them.

The fact that your older daughter blames you for "leaving her" is what's troubling for me (and that she had to go through another loss with the death of the man she also knew as her dad). People say that kids are resilient, but I'm not so convinced of that. I understand your reasoning in wanting to hold back your side of things and not point the blame at your ex (and I think that's honorable - and shows that you've given thought to the consequences of that).......but I'm wondering if there's a way that doesn't blame your ex, but also reassures your children that you didn't willingly leave them? I don't have the answer to that - but I wonder if there's a child advocate/social worker that can help you with that? Maybe contact the juvenile center near you for a resource. The sooner these losses are dealt with - the better it will be.

Jesus' Follower · Feb 18, 2019

This sounds like a difficult situation. I cannot offer advice as I have not been in this situation, however it appears as some members have who would provide better advice.

I will be praying for your situation. :prayer:

Boidae · Feb 18, 2019

mkgal1 said:
That's tough for the children (and difficult on you, too). They've endured a lot of loss already, and I know that has to be really confusing for them.

The fact that your older daughter blames you for "leaving her" is what's troubling for me (and that she had to go through another loss with the death of the man she also knew as her dad). People say that kids are resilient, but I'm not so convinced of that. I understand your reasoning in wanting to hold back your side of things and not point the blame at your ex (and I think that's honorable - and shows that you've given thought to the consequences of that).......but I'm wondering if there's a way that doesn't blame your ex, but also reassures your children that you didn't willingly leave them? I don't have the answer to that - but I wonder if there's a child advocate/social worker that can help you with that? Maybe contact the juvenile center near you for a resource. The sooner these losses are dealt with - the better it will be.

I have given much thought to it, but there is no real good way to say that your mom wanted to be with someone else and so she cheated on me with this other man and ended our relationship to start one with him. My 18 year old is the only one that has made an issue out of it and seems to be really affected by it. My oldest son, who's 19 talks to me a couple times a week, her younger sister that is 16 is a successful competition cheerleader as is her younger brother who is 15. They don't reach out to me, but they will talk to me and not do as my 18 year old does. Her youngest full sibling who is the 12 year old will talk to me here and there on her own, but she doesn't really consider me her dad. I can understand that and is the reason I keep my side to myself.

There is too much that could shatter her world and I don't want to do that to her.

mkgal1 · Feb 18, 2019

Boidae said:
I have given much thought to it, but there is no real good way to say that your mom wanted to be with someone else and so she cheated on me with this other man and ended our relationship to start one with him.

True - there's not a good way to say THAT....but there may be some way to explain your moving away that doesn't necessarily tear apart your ex.

My own father had to deal with this with my younger brother - and I wish now that he had someone to come along side of him to explain to my brother - without trashing our mom - that he didn't leave willingly. Instead of saying it - he tried to demonstrate it (but that fell short). My brother is now in his 50's and still suffering from believing, for so long, that our father "left him" (even though our dad did all he could to be there for my brother - he even moved around the corner from our mom).

Maybe it's enough to have someone explain to your oldest daughter that relationships get complicated between adults and even though they love their children - they have a difficult time living together in harmony? Now that she's technically an adult - and living with someone - maybe now she'll begin to understand the truth in that. At this point, though, I think it's maybe better received from a third party (and it would be great if there were the opportunity for counseling as well). It's so difficult to advocate for yourself

I think it's a positive that your daughter is now - finally - living near you.

Andrew77 · Feb 19, 2019

Boidae said:
It's been a little bit since I updated things on my 18 year old daughter who moved out the day after she turned 18 because I am too controlling. As I mentioned before, she went back to live with her mom and her mom was encouraging her to get a GED. That never happened. She didn't go back to school either.

She has come back down here, not living with me as I won't allow her to as she brings strife and discord to my apartment and her younger siblings do not need that. She is living with her boyfriend with her mother's blessing. Her mother paid for her to come back down here. Although, her mother has already said to me that she expects a phone call asking to come back up there within a month.

My daughter messaged me a couple Sundays ago wanting to come over to see me. I told her it has to be a weekend and not with the boyfriend. I suspected that she had ulterior motives in this and she didn't prove me wrong. The conversation devolved with her basically screaming at me over messages about how crappy a father I am for leaving them over 10 years ago, that I am pathetic, etc, etc, etc.... I simply told her that I don't need her to come over to my home for her to tell me all this. That I already know her opinion of me and her younger siblings don't need to hear it. She basically accused me of not wanting to be a man and taking what she has to give me in conversation. I reminded her that there is my side of what happened that led to her mother and I breaking up (we weren't married) and that I am not ready to tell my side, but I have accepted my part that I played in it. Her mother has yet to do the same and continues to just blame me.

I will not tell her my side because she has a younger full sibling who is only twelve and has no choice in where she can live if my revelation of what happened ruins her relationship with her mother. She has six years to go and I am not going to do that to her. I am protecting her. She would not come live with me because she doesn't really see me as her father because she was only two years old when we broke up and I left and went 1200 miles away. She grew up with another man in her life as her dad and I am thankful for him and hold no ill will towards him and his part in what happened as he too had a part in it. He has also passed away.

Anyway, that's my update. It's been hard and I have held onto my side of the story going on eleven years and not told any of them.

Am I in the wrong for holding back?

Generally speaking, someone who acts this badly, isn't owed anything.

No matter what happened, if someone can't be decent and respectful, then I don't need to give them the time of day.

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Update on my daughter issues

Boidae

Senior Veteran

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Darkhorse

just horsing around

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paul1149

that your faith might rest in the power of God

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mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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Jesus' Follower

ACCOUNT NO LONGER IN USE

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Boidae

Senior Veteran

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mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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Andrew77

The walking accident

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