What would YOU do in this situation? Dilemma!

Fallingupwards · Aug 25, 2018

Hey guys, I'm coming back to you all again because something's been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do. For those of you who've read my previous thread, this is related to that.

Please keep in mind everyone in this story is in their 20s.

I've recently reconnected with some people whom I haven't seen in years and I absolutely loved every minute of the reunion. I found out that they had recently converted to Christianity a few months ago and are highly devoted to their faith, and that was really inspiring to me because it made me want to get straight with God as well. It was a blessing to see them again.

Now, this is where the dilemma kicks in. Someone I know recently asked me to introduce him to them because he's interested in seeing them and getting close to them, and my only problem with this request is that this individual is highly unreliable and sometimes untrustworthy. He has said and done many questionable things, some of which have ruined friendships, relationships (attempted to convince someone to break up with her partner so she could date him instead), and told a lie that could've sent a married couple into a war had they heard it.

This individual has been confronted several times before, had cried and apologised each time and claims he doesn't understand why he behaves in such a way, only then to repeat his offence all over again weeks or months later...

I hold those people whom I reunited with in high regard and I honestly do not want anyone to ruin my relationship with them. By introducing them, I fear he will do or say inappropriate things that would cause drama between us, as he has done before with others... But at the same time, I can't help but think maybe they could help him change? Maybe by ignoring his request, I am also ignoring his only chance of redeeming himself from all his horrible traits?

I honestly don't know what to do.

What would YOU do?

Thanks!

tdidymas · Aug 25, 2018

Fallingupwards said:
Hey guys, I'm coming back to you all again because something's been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do. For those of you who've read my previous thread, this is related to that.

Please keep in mind everyone in this story is in their 20s.

I've recently reconnected with some people whom I haven't seen in years and I absolutely loved every minute of the reunion. I found out that they had recently converted to Christianity a few months ago and are highly devoted to their faith, and that was really inspiring to me because it made me want to get straight with God as well. It was a blessing to see them again.

Now, this is where the dilemma kicks in. Someone I know recently asked me to introduce him to them because he's interested in seeing them and getting close to them, and my only problem with this request is that this individual is highly unreliable and sometimes untrustworthy. He has said and done many questionable things, some of which have ruined friendships, relationships (attempted to convince someone to break up with her partner so she could date him instead), and told a lie that could've sent a married couple into a war had they heard it.

This individual has been confronted several times before, had cried and apologised each time and claims he doesn't understand why he behaves in such a way, only then to repeat his offence all over again weeks or months later...

I hold those people whom I reunited with in high regard and I honestly do not want anyone to ruin my relationship with them. By introducing them, I fear he will do or say inappropriate things that would cause drama between us, as he has done before with others... But at the same time, I can't help but think maybe they could help him change? Maybe by ignoring his request, I am also ignoring his only chance of redeeming himself from all his horrible traits?

I honestly don't know what to do.

What would YOU do?

Thanks!

For the sake of his eternal welfare, someone must confront him with his pattern of bad behavior. Be honest and let him know why you won't introduce him. No one can change him but God, and he won't repent and seek God's help unless he sees the true condition of his soul.

And think about it: would you want someone to introduce a deceiver to you? Do for others what you want them to do for you - don't introduce him to friends who you don't want to hurt. If he makes the request again, be honest and say "No," and tell him why if he asks.
TD

Albion · Aug 25, 2018

TD has offered a good answer, but it will take some guts to follow through with it. I am not sure if I would venture there myself, but since you are asking about putting yourself out there in the hopes that he can reform...

I would not just inflict him upon your new friends, however.

Andrew77 · Aug 25, 2018

Fallingupwards said:
Hey guys, I'm coming back to you all again because something's been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do. For those of you who've read my previous thread, this is related to that.

Please keep in mind everyone in this story is in their 20s.

I've recently reconnected with some people whom I haven't seen in years and I absolutely loved every minute of the reunion. I found out that they had recently converted to Christianity a few months ago and are highly devoted to their faith, and that was really inspiring to me because it made me want to get straight with God as well. It was a blessing to see them again.

Now, this is where the dilemma kicks in. Someone I know recently asked me to introduce him to them because he's interested in seeing them and getting close to them, and my only problem with this request is that this individual is highly unreliable and sometimes untrustworthy. He has said and done many questionable things, some of which have ruined friendships, relationships (attempted to convince someone to break up with her partner so she could date him instead), and told a lie that could've sent a married couple into a war had they heard it.

This individual has been confronted several times before, had cried and apologised each time and claims he doesn't understand why he behaves in such a way, only then to repeat his offence all over again weeks or months later...

I hold those people whom I reunited with in high regard and I honestly do not want anyone to ruin my relationship with them. By introducing them, I fear he will do or say inappropriate things that would cause drama between us, as he has done before with others... But at the same time, I can't help but think maybe they could help him change? Maybe by ignoring his request, I am also ignoring his only chance of redeeming himself from all his horrible traits?

I honestly don't know what to do.

What would YOU do?

Thanks!

Well, I'm a bit of a blunt person. I'll cry with you, but I don't sugar coat stuff. So I would tell him.... "you have lied to me too many times, and you are not trustworthy. No I'm not going to introduce you".

Especially if he's already caused drama between you and other people... no. Just no. NO. "NO." is a complete sentence. Use it.

Kerensa · Aug 25, 2018

I agree with TD — I know I've had times when someone has confronted me with bad behaviour that seriously needed to change, and that was painful (and not easy for the person pointing my faults out to me either!), but it was worth it. Only God can change him, as TD says, but if people aren't honest with him about why his behaviour is wrong and harmful, he may never fully realise the need to change. Or even if he still doesn't, at least you said something and stood up for integrity and honesty.

Hazelelponi · Aug 25, 2018

So, you've reconnected with some old freinds and a current freind of questionable character wants an introduction.

My question would be why does he want the introduction?

Does this person simply want to know and talk to everyone you know? if so just tell him no.. there's no reason for that unless there is a reason!

That's not even something my husband and I require... my husband has an author friend who has put a character in his book series and modeled the character after my husband and I've never met this author freind...

There's no requirement for someone to know and speak with everyone you know, regardless of your relationship to them.

lastofall · Aug 25, 2018

You should have not told him about them since you already know his history, but alas, now you must, or else tell him you cannot: but do not lie and bear false witness to him; these are only what can be done, and nothing wavering.
If they are Christians then they will discern his fruit, and not accommodate his wiles.

redleghunter · Aug 25, 2018

Fallingupwards said:
Hey guys, I'm coming back to you all again because something's been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do. For those of you who've read my previous thread, this is related to that.

Please keep in mind everyone in this story is in their 20s.

I've recently reconnected with some people whom I haven't seen in years and I absolutely loved every minute of the reunion. I found out that they had recently converted to Christianity a few months ago and are highly devoted to their faith, and that was really inspiring to me because it made me want to get straight with God as well. It was a blessing to see them again.

Now, this is where the dilemma kicks in. Someone I know recently asked me to introduce him to them because he's interested in seeing them and getting close to them, and my only problem with this request is that this individual is highly unreliable and sometimes untrustworthy. He has said and done many questionable things, some of which have ruined friendships, relationships (attempted to convince someone to break up with her partner so she could date him instead), and told a lie that could've sent a married couple into a war had they heard it.

This individual has been confronted several times before, had cried and apologised each time and claims he doesn't understand why he behaves in such a way, only then to repeat his offence all over again weeks or months later...

I hold those people whom I reunited with in high regard and I honestly do not want anyone to ruin my relationship with them. By introducing them, I fear he will do or say inappropriate things that would cause drama between us, as he has done before with others... But at the same time, I can't help but think maybe they could help him change? Maybe by ignoring his request, I am also ignoring his only chance of redeeming himself from all his horrible traits?

I honestly don't know what to do.

What would YOU do?

Thanks!

I would not poison the well. Meaning don’t let your struggling friend who can’t control his meddling in others lives to latch on to a new Christian.

It may not be a bad idea to discuss your struggling friend with your pastoral or ministry team. Have them pray for him. Maybe invite him to your church outreach events.

Greg J. · Aug 25, 2018

Fallingupwards said:
...
This individual has been confronted several times before, had cried and apologised each time and claims he doesn't understand why he behaves in such a way, only then to repeat his offence all over again weeks or months later...

Sounds like mental illness to me.

Fallingupwards said:
I hold those people whom I reunited with in high regard and I honestly do not want anyone to ruin my relationship with them. By introducing them, I fear he will do or say inappropriate things that would cause drama between us, as he has done before with others... But at the same time, I can't help but think maybe they could help him change? Maybe by ignoring his request, I am also ignoring his only chance of redeeming himself from all his horrible traits?

I honestly don't know what to do.

I think you know what you want to do, but don't want to do it. I'd change your question to how to do it nicely. Perhaps tell him he's done enough bad things in relationships and that you'd be happy to introduce him after he has worked through his problems, which he can do with a licensed psychologist—whether or not it is due to an "official" mental illness. Psychologists do a lot more than just treat mental illness. They do marriage counseling and other relationship counseling, etc. In his case, he needs to find out why he has those reactions and says and does relationship-harming things so he can change (or do what is necessary for God to change him).

LoricaLady · Aug 25, 2018

Fallingupwards said:
Hey guys, I'm coming back to you all again because something's been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do. For those of you who've read my previous thread, this is related to that.

Please keep in mind everyone in this story is in their 20s.

I've recently reconnected with some people whom I haven't seen in years and I absolutely loved every minute of the reunion. I found out that they had recently converted to Christianity a few months ago and are highly devoted to their faith, and that was really inspiring to me because it made me want to get straight with God as well. It was a blessing to see them again.

Now, this is where the dilemma kicks in. Someone I know recently asked me to introduce him to them because he's interested in seeing them and getting close to them, and my only problem with this request is that this individual is highly unreliable and sometimes untrustworthy. He has said and done many questionable things, some of which have ruined friendships, relationships (attempted to convince someone to break up with her partner so she could date him instead), and told a lie that could've sent a married couple into a war had they heard it.

This individual has been confronted several times before, had cried and apologised each time and claims he doesn't understand why he behaves in such a way, only then to repeat his offence all over again weeks or months later...

I hold those people whom I reunited with in high regard and I honestly do not want anyone to ruin my relationship with them. By introducing them, I fear he will do or say inappropriate things that would cause drama between us, as he has done before with others... But at the same time, I can't help but think maybe they could help him change? Maybe by ignoring his request, I am also ignoring his only chance of redeeming himself from all his horrible traits?

I honestly don't know what to do.

What would YOU do?

Thanks!

You can catch sickness but you can't catch health. I would say protect yourself, as well as your friends, from this guy. The Bible says to avoid fools and bad people in general.

LoricaLady · Aug 25, 2018

Kerensa said:
I agree with TD — I know I've had times when someone has confronted me with bad behaviour that seriously needed to change, and that was painful (and not easy for the person pointing my faults out to me either!), but it was worth it. Only God can change him, as TD says, but if people aren't honest with him about why his behaviour is wrong and harmful, he may never fully realise the need to change. Or even if he still doesn't, at least you said something and stood up for integrity and honesty.

I agree, but alerting someone to their problems is not the same thing as letting that person into your circle of friends. Can't he find his own friends?

LoricaLady · Aug 25, 2018

Greg J. said:
Sounds like mental illness to me.

I think you know what you want to do, but don't want to do it. I'd change your question to how to do it nicely. Perhaps tell him he's done enough bad things in relationships and that you'd be happy to introduce him after he has worked through his problems, which he can do with a licensed psychologist—whether or not it is due to an "official" mental illness. Psychologists do a lot more than just treat mental illness. They do marriage counseling and other relationship counseling, etc. In his case, he needs to find out why he has those reactions and says and does relationship-harming things so he can change (or do what is necessary for God to change him).

If some people have good success with psychologists then great. I have seen that they really aren't effective with the people I have known. Psychologists talking about this and that will not really change character problems, or spiritual problems (which are essentially the same kinds of problems.) Only the Lord can do that.

Greg J. · Aug 25, 2018

There's bad psychologists. I've only gone to Christian psychologists who happened to be gifted. One was also a pastor. It was indeed the Lord that did the inner work. I could tell after almost every appointment. Regardless, the work of psychologists is to help a person uncover connections between the causes and effects that have followed (which has the person seeing the psychologist in the first place). This statement by Jesus is a revelation of a general spiritual truth—not just tied to the reason for which he spoke it.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32, 1984 NIV)

Not thinking a (good) psychologist can help someone is like thinking that knowing you were abused as a child won't help you with the emotional results of being abused. Another way to describe the job of psychologists is to say they help you synchronize your psycho-emotional state with what you believe (and you can't believe what you don't understand and can't understand what you don't know).

LoricaLady · Aug 25, 2018

Greg J. said:
There's bad psychologists. I've only gone to Christian psychologists who happened to be gifted. One was also a pastor. It was indeed the Lord that did the inner work. I could tell after almost every appointment. Regardless, the work of psychologists is to help a person uncover connections between the causes and effects that have followed (which has the person seeing the psychologist in the first place). This statement by Jesus is a revelation of a general spiritual truth—not just tied to the reason for which he spoke it.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32, 1984 NIV)

Not thinking a (good) psychologist can help someone is like thinking that knowing you were abused as a child won't help you with the emotional results of being abused. Another way to describe the job of psychologists is to say they help you synchronize your psycho-emotional state with what you believe (and you can't believe what you don't understand and can't understand what you don't know).

I did say that if some people are helped by psychologists, great. Okay, so a psychologist helps you uncover, and talk about, your childhood abuse and maybe affirms you and helps you see it wasn't your fault. That's all good. But it doesn't really heal the person's wounds. If the victim just stops there, and doesn't turn it over to the Lord, the problem hasn't really gone away at all. I assume sincere praying Christian psychologists would do far more good than secular psychologists, therefore.

Greg J. · Aug 25, 2018

If truth about a situation comes newly to light, yes, it does heal you.

LoricaLady · Aug 25, 2018

Greg J. said:
If truth about a situation comes newly to light, yes, it does heal you.

So, if a person uncovers repressed memories of childhood abuse, that's it? The truth is now out in the light. So they are healed then? No, they need the Lord to heal those wounds. Knowledge alone is not enough.

Greg J. · Aug 25, 2018

Jesus is the Truth. If you get more truth, you have gotten more Jesus. I understand what you are saying and I agree with you, but I think you are ignoring the fact that Jesus works through people to heal you. You'd agree if I was talking about a medical doctor and physical damage, wouldn't you?

(Edited.)

LoricaLady · Aug 25, 2018

Greg J. said:
Jesus is the Truth. If you get more truth, you have gotten more Jesus. I understand what you are saying and I agree with you, but I think you are ignoring the fact that Jesus works through people to heal you. You'd agree if I was talking about a medical doctor and physical damage, wouldn't you?

(Edited.)

We are really not supposed to get off topic and get into debate so I am bowing out of this. Sorry.

GandalfTheWise · Aug 25, 2018

Fallingupwards said:
Hey guys, I'm coming back to you all again because something's been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do. For those of you who've read my previous thread, this is related to that.

What would YOU do?

Thanks!

My first reaction was wondering *why* is he so interested in being introduced. If I hear about someone interesting from a friend, my reaction tends to be one of "hey, it would be fun to meet them some time", not "I want to get close to them." That raises red flags with me. I also have a nagging sense if part of that is to play off your relationship with them to gain some instant credibility with them.

The only situation where I might introduce someone like that to friends of mine is if they had been friends for a long time and were solid Christians and I had given them ample warning and they were okay with it. I'd not introduce someone with that background to someone I had just reconnected with. There's just too much that can go wrong.

We are not responsible for fixing other people's problems. Some people have a knack for guilting other people into "helping" them by making them feel bad if they don't do something for them. Don't do something out of guilt or pressure. From what little I read, it sounds like this person is manipulative to some degree. If you are feeling guilt or pressure, consider the possibility that it might be him manipulating you to take advantage of you and your friends rather than sincerely asking for help. I'd also consider putting strict boundaries into place yourself with this person.

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