How can I regain lost friendships? Afraid of rejection

worththewait · Jan 5, 2017

To give a bit of a background, I lost my mother when I was 20 years old (5 years ago). Although it was definitely the worst experience of my life, I felt an amazing sense of peace during the first few months after my mother's passing. However, about a year and a half after she passed I realized that I had begun to distance myself from practically everyone including family, friends and my church. I later realized I was coping with my grief by withdrawing and emotionally distancing myself from people I cared about.

My family remained diligent in connecting with me. However, I think a lot of my friends didn't quite understand my distance especially since it didn't start until a year and a half after my mom passed. Many of them took it personally. Looking back, I can understand why. I just wasn't in a good place to be a good friend to anyone and was so emotionally disconnected that I didn't consider communicating that with anyone. It's been almost 3 years since a lot of my friends and I grew distant. Now I'm in a very happy place in my life. Some of them have gone on to get married and some are married with babies and my heart aches a bit at the thought of not being there to experience those moments with them.

It's been on my mind for months now to reach out to a couple of the ladies I used to be so close to but I'm worried that we're in such different places in our lives now that they've moved on and aren't interested in regaining their friendship with me. I know I hurt some of them a lot (unintentionally of course) but now that I'm happier emotionally and past the worst of the grieving process, I really miss them and don't want to miss anymore major milestones in their lives, neither do I want them to miss anymore of mine. However, I also don't want to disturb the new lives they've created or rehash anything negative.

Any suggestions on how I could attempt to regain these lost friendships? I really feel like God is leading me to reach out to them but I don't know how and I'm afraid of rejection. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Winken · Jan 5, 2017

worththewait said:
To give a bit of a background, I lost my mother when I was 20 years old (5 years ago). Although it was definitely the worst experience of my life, I felt an amazing sense of peace during the first few months after my mother's passing. However, about a year and a half after she passed I realized that I had begun to distance myself from practically everyone including family, friends and my church. I later realized I was coping with my grief by withdrawing and emotionally distancing myself from people I cared about.

My family remained diligent in connecting with me. However, I think a lot of my friends didn't quite understand my distance especially since it didn't start until a year and a half after my mom passed. Many of them took it personally. Looking back, I can understand why. I just wasn't in a good place to be a good friend to anyone and was so emotionally disconnected that I didn't consider communicating that with anyone. It's been almost 3 years since a lot of my friends and I grew distant. Now I'm in a very happy place in my life. Some of them have gone on to get married and some are married with babies and my heart aches a bit at the thought of not being there to experience those moments with them.

It's been on my mind for months now to reach out to a couple of the ladies I used to be so close to but I'm worried that we're in such different places in our lives now that they've moved on and aren't interested in regaining their friendship with me. I know I hurt some of them a lot (unintentionally of course) but now that I'm happier emotionally and past the worst of the grieving process, I really miss them and don't want to miss anymore major milestones in their lives, neither do I want them to miss anymore of mine. However, I also don't want to disturb the new lives they've created or rehash anything negative.

Any suggestions on how I could attempt to regain these lost friendships? I really feel like God is leading me to reach out to them but I don't know how and I'm afraid of rejection. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Pray. Do it. If you know their Facebook or E-Mail get in touch. Send them greeting cards. Ask about them through friends of friends. Don't apologize for drifting away from them. Drift back in! How could Christians reject you? Go to church. Sit on the 4th row back, next to other folks.

Goodbook · Jan 6, 2017

Christians wont reject you...Jesus said the good shepherd left the 99 sheep and went after the one that was lost to bring it back. So follow Jesus back to the fold!

TurtleAnne · Jan 6, 2017

My personal 2 cents advice, just based on a similar experience, is to not worry about regaining the friendships. If they were genuine friendships and meant to be, then simply making peace with them will be enough to reignite the friendship. Otherwise, you can still make peace on your end, and there are always plenty of people out there who need and could be good friends.

And, some things can seem like rejection when they are not. You know this from your own experience, since you did not reject any of these friends, but you realize that they might have taken it that way. So now you know from your own experience, that even if they do not respond to you, that does not necessarily mean that they are rejecting you personally. In some cases, we just never know about each other, regarding coming and going from each others' lives, or never hearing back again, or in some cases not understanding in the moment why we can't bring ourselves to respond when we hear from someone else. There is no reason to assume personal rejection, though, on any sides.

So my advice would be to let them know that you have been thinking about them, that you were so distant and socially shut down during your grieving process for your mother that you lost touch with some people whom you really loved, including them, but that now you are doing so much better, and you are glad to see that happy things are happening in their lives, as well.

yuppers · Jan 6, 2017

First off congratulations on coming to a point in your life where you're happy again. It must feel good to have gotten through that tough patch in life. My advice for reconnecting with your old friends is just send them a email, text, call, Facebook message. Let them know they have been on your mind and you want to see how they are doing. That is basically all you can do to attempt to reconnect the friendship. Once you have sent the initiating message it's up to them to decide if they want to reconnect the friendship again or not.

ToBeLoved · Jan 6, 2017

TurtleAnne said:
My personal 2 cents advice, just based on a similar experience, is to not worry about regaining the friendships. If they were genuine friendships and meant to be, then simply making peace with them will be enough to reignite the friendship. Otherwise, you can still make peace on your end, and there are always plenty of people out there who need and could be good friends.

to @OP

I really agree with this.

Even if the friends do not reunite with you, you will be loosing the guilt associated with drifting away. A head of time prepare yourself that they may not want to be friends anymore, but know it could be for many reasons. They may have just grown closer to other people, or just have a busier life now. Accept any way they want to be friends, even if it is just yearly x-mas cards. The Christmas cards can even be a way of sharing the gospel with them, so even if it is just for the Lord (ie.. gospel sharing) , you can make it a good situation, pleasing to God.

The Holy Spirit is putting it on your heart for some reason. It could be God wanting to cleanse you of something or God wanting you to maybe even give them closure of why you drifted away. If you hurt them, they may need closure, knowing why you did it and it happened.

com7fy8 · Jan 6, 2017

If any of them have been really Christian friends . . . even so, now they might have redeveloped their lives to adjust to you not being involved with them.

But you could get into group activities where they will be, anyway, and simply appreciate being around them or in small group being able to listen to all they are sharing about their lives.

Greg J. · Jan 6, 2017

I agree with posts #3 to #6. A short simple communication would be good and see how they respond (more than a greeting card if you want to connect rather than just say "hi"). They will have forgotten a lot of things that you remember, because what you remember will have been part of your struggle, but they probably filled the gap left by you drifting away with other things that they've subsequently spent their time thinking about.

It may be worth 1 sentence to explain what you went through that caused you to pull away. 1 sentence. More means that you are trying to relieve guilt (explain yourself) instead of just give them part of the context of why you are connecting with them at this time. It is almost certain that they didn't experience you drifting away the way you think they might have. They'll respond to the sentence if they feel the need to.

worththewait · Jan 7, 2017

Thank you everyone who responded. You all offered some sound advice and confirmed some of the things on my mind. Just to add a bit to my original post, a couple of the ladies expressed their disappointment about me drifting away a few years ago. But during that time it made me upset because I felt that they were being selfish and it's likely that it caused me to stay at a distance. It wasn't until later that I realized they just really had no idea the magnitude of grief I was feeling at that time and it was unfair of me to expect them to understand.

I guess it's important that I consider the fact that things may not go back to being the way things used to be especially considering how a couple of you mentioned that they likely adapted their lives to the lack of our friendship, rightfully so. But I feel as though I'd definitely gain some peace of mind by contacting them even if things don't go the way I'd hope them to. It definitely has been consuming my mind lately and I've been praying for the courage to reach out to them. I think aside from fear there may also be a small bit of pride as well. Vulnerability hasn't been the easiest for me. But I appreciate all of you for offering me clarity and perspective.

ToBeLoved · Jan 7, 2017

worththewait said:
Thank you everyone who responded. You all offered some sound advice and confirmed some of the things on my mind. Just to add a bit to my original post, a couple of the ladies expressed their disappointment about me drifting away a few years ago. But during that time it made me upset because I felt that they were being selfish and it's likely that it caused me to stay at a distance. It wasn't until later that I realized they just really had no idea the magnitude of grief I was feeling at that time and it was unfair of me to expect them to understand.

I guess it's important that I consider the fact that things may not go back to being the way things used to be especially considering how a couple of you mentioned that they likely adapted their lives to the lack of our friendship, rightfully so. But I feel as though I'd definitely gain some peace of mind by contacting them even if things don't go the way I'd hope them to. It definitely has been consuming my mind lately and I've been praying for the courage to reach out to them. I think aside from fear there may also be a small bit of pride as well. Vulnerability hasn't been the easiest for me. But I appreciate all of you for offering me clarity and perspective.

Vulnerability is very hard. Keep praying and let God guide you.

Maybe just start with one friend and see how it goes. Then you may not feel so vulnerable. Maybe one positive response will give you the courage to take a chance with the others.

Be blessed

NothingIsImpossible · Jan 7, 2017

If they are good friends they will understand when you tell them you were in a state of grieving for a long time. If they don't understand/reject you then its their loss. They should understand someone whos grieving. If all else fails you will surely meet new people that will be part of your life.

Greg J. · Jan 7, 2017

By the way, I would guess that it happens to most people that they are sometimes not comfortable reconnecting to someone they knew in the past, although they have decided to do so. Almost everyone drifts away from some people they used to know. In this respect you are definitely not alone. People that have tried to reconnect to me after 20+ years always approach with an attitude trying to protect themselves from rejection. e.g., "I don't know if you remember me ..."

worththewait · Jan 7, 2017

Thanks so much everyone!

HittitesA-muk · Jan 7, 2017

hi Not much p-ossibility in friendships . On the other hand you have every p-ossible advantage in singing at church .

worththewait · Jan 7, 2017

HittitesA-muk said:
hi Not much p-ossibility in friendships . On the other hand you have every p-ossible advantage in singing at church .

Thanks for your response. I'm not following. Can you elaborate a bit please? Thanks!

Sketcher · Jan 7, 2017

The fear in these situations is always bigger than any possible problem will ever be. Pick one or two that will have the best likelihood of re-invigorating their friendships with you. Use that success to help you with the others. You should probably go in the order of closest to most distant, tiebreakers going to who is most accessible due to distance or lack of children. Kids keep people really busy.

2X4 · Jan 8, 2017

worththewait said:
To give a bit of a background, I lost my mother when I was 20 years old (5 years ago). Although it was definitely the worst experience of my life, I felt an amazing sense of peace during the first few months after my mother's passing. However, about a year and a half after she passed I realized that I had begun to distance myself from practically everyone including family, friends and my church. I later realized I was coping with my grief by withdrawing and emotionally distancing myself from people I cared about.

My family remained diligent in connecting with me. However, I think a lot of my friends didn't quite understand my distance especially since it didn't start until a year and a half after my mom passed. Many of them took it personally. Looking back, I can understand why. I just wasn't in a good place to be a good friend to anyone and was so emotionally disconnected that I didn't consider communicating that with anyone. It's been almost 3 years since a lot of my friends and I grew distant. Now I'm in a very happy place in my life. Some of them have gone on to get married and some are married with babies and my heart aches a bit at the thought of not being there to experience those moments with them.

It's been on my mind for months now to reach out to a couple of the ladies I used to be so close to but I'm worried that we're in such different places in our lives now that they've moved on and aren't interested in regaining their friendship with me. I know I hurt some of them a lot (unintentionally of course) but now that I'm happier emotionally and past the worst of the grieving process, I really miss them and don't want to miss anymore major milestones in their lives, neither do I want them to miss anymore of mine. However, I also don't want to disturb the new lives they've created or rehash anything negative.

Any suggestions on how I could attempt to regain these lost friendships? I really feel like God is leading me to reach out to them but I don't know how and I'm afraid of rejection. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

You're learning how selfish people really are in this world. One day you will look back and learn that God is your only true friend you have. Man was created in the image of God so Man and God are ONE. Despite the selfish people you observe, they too have only ONE true friend IN GOD.

In the next generation, ALL created MEN will know that they and GOD are ONE. Then it will be very peaceful when we share our stories with each other because we won't see any selfish people.

insurchoftruth · Jan 8, 2017

The only way to have a friend, is to be one.

We have to be very careful of letting anger, when communicating with our friends, to control our words and actions. Anger can burn a relationship, which has been going on for many years. Just one explosion of anger, can ruin a long term friendship forever.

But, ofcourse, there is forgiveness and restoration, because all or us make mistakes, even in our friendships.

ToBeLoved · Jan 8, 2017

2X4 said:
You're learning how selfish people really are in this world. One day you will look back and learn that God is your only true friend you have.

Very true.

As wonderful as it is to have Christian brothers and sisters, they are still sinful beings. They WILL let us down, it is not if, but when.

Jesus is the only perfect Friend. Are only perfect God. Our only perfect everything. I have learned this is too true. And once it really sinks in and we see people as they WILL hurt us, not if, it is easier to handle.

2X4 · Jan 8, 2017

ToBeLoved said:
Very true.

As wonderful as it is to have Christian brothers and sisters, they are still sinful beings. They WILL let us down, it is not if, but when.

Jesus is the only perfect Friend. Are only perfect God. Our only perfect everything. I have learned this is too true. And once it really sinks in and we see people as they WILL hurt us, not if, it is easier to handle.

That will all change after the day of the Lord when Satan and the Beast are destroyed. Then we will all love our neighbors, ourselves and God as ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

Isaiah 65
16: So that he who blesses himself in the land shall bless himself by the God of truth, and he who takes an oath in the land shall swear by the God of truth; because the former troubles are forgotten and are hid from my eyes.
17: "For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth; and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.
18: But be glad and rejoice for ever in that which I create; for behold, I create Jerusalem a rejoicing, and her people a joy.
19: I will rejoice in Jerusalem, and be glad in my people; no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping and the cry of distress.

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