Hi there FightingPain,
I saw your post:
I'm tired of it all, I wish I had been aborted. If there was a pill or an injection to make me straight - even if there was an increased risk of fatality - I would take it. I never chose to feel this way. I hate feeling this way, it's driving me insane, day in day out. I am a bane to my family, friends and an abomination to the Lord himself. Satan must love me. If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I couldn't care less. If I was killed by an arch-enemy, my reaction would be the same. In fact, it would be great because then I wouldn't ruin my family's reputation. I distance myself from people because if they knew my evil struggles, they would despise me and they would be hurt and disappointed. Some may even blame my parents. I have to avoid and prevent that.
I want deliverance from lesbianism. I despise feeling this way. I want to be normal just like my heterosexual counterparts. Most people I emailed, I assume aren't bothered because they never replied back after two mutual messages.
Don't worry, I wouldn't consider committing suicide as it will not alleviate the matter.
I crave guidance and was wondering if I could be helped? Many thanks.
I also posted this here because I don't want to be a burden on the recovery moderators. (I wrote this lastnight, i apologize if this is too heated, I was overwhelmed.)
I am praying for you for sure!
I'm also thinking that some of the struggles I've been through might be similar to what you are facing.
If not please feel free to tell me so.
I've fought losing battles with thoughts/feelings/behaviors that left me frustrated, hopeless, angry.
When using my own power to change failed, I'd cry out to God to change me with His power.
But it seemed like that didn't work either.
The struggle was still there strong - maybe stronger than ever.
At this point of total failure, I gave up trying, I came to the end of myself, I saw no way to change.
I didn't know why God didn't just set me free.
So I stopped fighting, pressing, trying, chasing.
I just sat down and faced God and said, now what?
I have no hope left. I don't know what else to do. I give up. I want to change but I have no idea what more to do or how to change.
This quiet, non-active coming to the end of self, allowed God to deal with me in a deep way. I had no where to go other than God, so I just sat there in front of God because I had run out of all other options.
#1. He showed me He loved me as I was. I couldn't earn more of His love by becoming a better person, nor lose ANY of His love by being a failure.
IOW His love for me was consistent, unchangeable, unconditional, unmerited, and based not one iota on how good I was. God's amazing eternal love for me was based on HIS GOODNESS.
God is sooooo good that HE loves me as I am right now, whether I change or not. He also loves me so much that He helps me change and become a better person.
It seemed like not understanding this truth was part of the cause of my failure. Somehow I was deeply afraid of displeasing God, and thought He could only love me if I performed better.
I let that truth sink in and work through my heart and thoughts.
Doing what God said is good, disobeying what God says is foolish, but the real core issue is about me understanding the depth of how much God loves me.
Somehow my whole life up to that point consisted of me trying to earn God's love, and the love of other people.
I felt unloved, unworthy, sub-par in so many areas, as though I was terribly and hopelessly flawed, and intrinsically unlovable, even to God.
I didn't realize that this subconscious deep rooted self-concept was interfering with everything I tried to accomplish - life goals - spiritual goals, my relationship with God, my success as a human and as a Christian.
So this is the 1st point that I needed to sort out with God.
After that, my struggles were taken to God one by one, and I patiently dealt with God on how to become free.
Just to clarify, God is extremely patient with us. It's us who are not patient with ourselves.
Does my experience resonate with you?
If not, no problem. I thought I'd start to share my journey just in case it helped.
I'll only carry on sharing my experience if it seems to somehow make sense to you.
Otherwise I'll keep praying that God help you find the deliverance you seek.
We are all unique and special to God.
Sometimes one person's journey is similar to another person's.
God Bless you.
You are very special to God, and I care about you and your success and happiness.
Your praying friend and supporter, TF
