Is there any hope for me? I really feel like i can't go on anymore. I left Christ 4 years a go and began to have a relationship with someone who didn't believe what i believe. For the past 4 years i have lived with guilt knowing this man is not for me, but yet I couldn't let go of him. The guilt of being with someone that was not a believer has haunt me, but yet i put it aside.
I lived with Pete for the past year and after having a lot of problems in the relationship, he finally told me that he needed a break. The thought of me being the last woman he slept with scared him. He wanted a break to go sleep around and come back when he was ready to marry me.
Of course i said no. I had to move out of his place and in desperation i took the first thing that was set before me. A place next to his. I signed a lease and now i'm stuck here for the next 6 months.
While i was with him i quit going to church and began to smoke. I have been smoking off and on through these past 4 years and I've also done things that i never thought i would do.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I'm hurt because i still love him deeply and the worst part of it all is that i see him everyday.
I feel so alone. All my friends (childhood , christian friends) stopped talking to me because i was leaving in sin. I have a couple of friends that are not christian. They have beeen supporting me the only way they know. "Go out, meet other guys", " it's alright to sleep with them, because it helps with the pain" so on and so forth.
I know that doing those things is getting myself in a bigger mess. So i can't follow their advice.
I really feel like such a hypocrite coming back to Christ only because i feel the way i feel.
I don't trust myself. I want to go back to God because my first true love was God but I don't feel right.
When i was a little girl i would pray for that special someone to come to my life. I always prayed for a man that loved God above everything. Somehow i got tired of waiting and gave in to my worse nightmare.
I thought this man could change ( even though i knew that he wouldn't) I really thought he could love me, and i even thought i could bring him to Christ. (believe me, i knew this was almost imposible)
I'm struggling with the cigarette addiction now. I know i'm hurting myself and i want to quit.
I also want to quit thinking of Pete because he has done nothing but hurt me. I'm scared...i'm scared that i'll go back to Christ and Pete comes back (like he has in the past) and i will leave Christ again and go follow Pete.
I also wonder what if this is my last chance? What if this is the only chance God is giving me?
I'm scared that in my loneliness and desire to be loved, i will fall for another person who doesn't fear God and I will leave the Lord again.
I was such a great girl before i met Pete.
The other night i read all these letters that i wrote to God when i was growing up. I really thought i loved the Lord.
What happened to me? What have i done with that great girl?
What if Pete never said those things? I know i would've stayed with him.
I feel like i can't face the Lord because deep down in my heart i want Pete to come back .
I only want to come back home to Lord because i'm alone and heartbroken...not from a sincere heart.
Where is that love that i felt for God growing up? Did i not mean it? was it all fake?
I really just want to curl up and sleep. I want God to take me because i'm afraid of what i'm capable of doing if i continue to follow my emotions.
Sorry this is long. I really needed to vent.
I lived with Pete for the past year and after having a lot of problems in the relationship, he finally told me that he needed a break. The thought of me being the last woman he slept with scared him. He wanted a break to go sleep around and come back when he was ready to marry me.
Of course i said no. I had to move out of his place and in desperation i took the first thing that was set before me. A place next to his. I signed a lease and now i'm stuck here for the next 6 months.
While i was with him i quit going to church and began to smoke. I have been smoking off and on through these past 4 years and I've also done things that i never thought i would do.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I'm hurt because i still love him deeply and the worst part of it all is that i see him everyday.
I feel so alone. All my friends (childhood , christian friends) stopped talking to me because i was leaving in sin. I have a couple of friends that are not christian. They have beeen supporting me the only way they know. "Go out, meet other guys", " it's alright to sleep with them, because it helps with the pain" so on and so forth.
I know that doing those things is getting myself in a bigger mess. So i can't follow their advice.
I really feel like such a hypocrite coming back to Christ only because i feel the way i feel.
I don't trust myself. I want to go back to God because my first true love was God but I don't feel right.
When i was a little girl i would pray for that special someone to come to my life. I always prayed for a man that loved God above everything. Somehow i got tired of waiting and gave in to my worse nightmare.
I thought this man could change ( even though i knew that he wouldn't) I really thought he could love me, and i even thought i could bring him to Christ. (believe me, i knew this was almost imposible)
I'm struggling with the cigarette addiction now. I know i'm hurting myself and i want to quit.
I also want to quit thinking of Pete because he has done nothing but hurt me. I'm scared...i'm scared that i'll go back to Christ and Pete comes back (like he has in the past) and i will leave Christ again and go follow Pete.
I also wonder what if this is my last chance? What if this is the only chance God is giving me?
I'm scared that in my loneliness and desire to be loved, i will fall for another person who doesn't fear God and I will leave the Lord again.
I was such a great girl before i met Pete.
The other night i read all these letters that i wrote to God when i was growing up. I really thought i loved the Lord.
What happened to me? What have i done with that great girl?
What if Pete never said those things? I know i would've stayed with him.
I feel like i can't face the Lord because deep down in my heart i want Pete to come back .
I only want to come back home to Lord because i'm alone and heartbroken...not from a sincere heart.
Where is that love that i felt for God growing up? Did i not mean it? was it all fake?
I really just want to curl up and sleep. I want God to take me because i'm afraid of what i'm capable of doing if i continue to follow my emotions.
Sorry this is long. I really needed to vent.
you.
