I need some advice

beanbagboy · Oct 14, 2005

well, my wife wants to call it a time out and leave with our daughter so i can seek GOD. she says that i am immature and not ready to handle a daughter and a wife, we have only been married for less than a year and we have a 2 month old baby. she says that i am not romantic, i am not a Godly man anymore and not prepared.

i agree to these remarks but i dont think her leaving for a little while, even if it is a weekend is right.
i also have been having a hard time with her submiting to me and even though i am the husband and the man of the household i feel that i dont have and never had the authority in our marriage. she gets upset when i dont do things her way, i am 23 yrs old. maybe its having a new baby that is stressing us out but i feel that the situatuion is out of my hands, divorce is not an anwser and i know that even though its gone through both our minds it is not a answer or a choice for us. what can i do?

please help if you guys have any suggestions.

what can i Do?

JulesM · Oct 14, 2005

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I expect a new baby brings a whole heap of new stress to a marriage - let alone in the first year.

It seems like you guys aren't communicating effectively.

I wonder if getting a third party such as a pastor or a counsellor to act as a mediator (with you BOTH in the room) might help? That way you both get to tell your side of the story, without being interupted or a fight breaking out. You might both learn stuff about each other you didn't know (as in how they're feeling and why).

LynnMcG · Oct 14, 2005

This is tough, because we're not counselors and we're not privy to both sides of this situation. However, I can say that walking away, even for just a weekend, isn't the answer. It sounds like you are both struggling for control in your relationship, trying to "make" each other do things the other isn't doing. It's not going to work. But it's also not going to be fixed over night.

I agree with Jules, it really sounds like you're not communicating very well. And third party might really be helpful. It also sounds like you guys need to learn how to fight. Walking away isn't the answer. Finally, your wife is not the judge of your relationship with God. No one knows your heart but God.

Seek some help before this gets out of control.

beanbagboy1982 · Oct 14, 2005

LynnMcG said:
This is tough, because we're not counselors and we're not privy to both sides of this situation. However, I can say that walking away, even for just a weekend, isn't the answer. It sounds like you are both struggling for control in your relationship, trying to "make" each other do things the other isn't doing. It's not going to work. But it's also not going to be fixed over night.

I agree with Jules, it really sounds like you're not communicating very well. And third party might really be helpful. It also sounds like you guys need to learn how to fight. Walking away isn't the answer. Finally, your wife is not the judge of your relationship with God. No one knows your heart but God.

Seek some help before this gets out of control.

Thanks, i am the same as beanbagboy its just that i thought i lost my password so i started another name but i found it like 5 minutes later, My wife says that she feels her heart is telling her to leave whil i find God and mature and desire her is the answer and she will not have our Desciple teacher help us.

HIM4JC · Oct 14, 2005

beanbagboy,

Raising children is the hardest, most rewarding thing that you will ever go through. But you've got to accept the difficulties that you wife is dealing with. Not to mention the physical and mental stresses she is under having to take care of a newborn.

"Bro" (a term used to get someones attention when they aren't carrying their load) you need to step up and be the man that she needs you to be. At 23 I don't know if any of us males are really ready for the responsibilities that come with fatherhood, and to be married less than a year just complicates things.

In the period of less than a year you have gone from not having to answer to anyone, to being responsible for the physical and emotional well being of 3. This takes a tremendous amount of maturity, but to be the man that God calls you to be, you need to step up to the plate.

I'd have to go with the advice of seeking out your pastor or a mature Christian for a little guidance. You might want to look into joining a Mens group at church or attending a Promise Keepers Conference or support group.

The only drawback that I can see to taking a couple of days to "get with God" is that it's yet another strain on your bride to have no help for those couple of days.

Please don't take this wrong, I do not mean to insult or condemn you. It is only out of concern for you that I attempt to comment. God didn't bless my marriage with children until we had been married for 8 years, I don't know if I could have handled it at your age, but God has called you to serve your wife and to do it humbly and with love.

God bless you for having the foresight to ask.
Hal <><<

llghoney · Oct 14, 2005

I agree with you on this one!! It sounds like you are not giving her something she needs. I wish you well & :pray:

for you & your family!! :angel:

HIM4JC said:
beanbagboy,

Raising children is the hardest, most rewarding thing that you will ever go through. But you've got to accept the difficulties that you wife is dealing with. Not to mention the physical and mental stresses she is under having to take care of a newborn.

"Bro" (a term used to get someones attention when they aren't carrying their load) you need to step up and be the man that she needs you to be. At 23 I don't know if any of us males are really ready for the responsibilities that come with fatherhood, and to be married less than a year just complicates things.

In the period of less than a year you have gone from not having to answer to anyone, to being responsible for the physical and emotional well being of 3. This takes a tremendous amount of maturity, but to be the man that God calls you to be, you need to step up to the plate.

I'd have to go with the advice of seeking out your pastor or a mature Christian for a little guidance. You might want to look into joining a Mens group at church or attending a Promise Keepers Conference or support group.

The only drawback that I can see to taking a couple of days to "get with God" is that it's yet another strain on your bride to have no help for those couple of days.

Please don't take this wrong, I do not mean to insult or condemn you. It is only out of concern for you that I attempt to comment. God didn't bless my marriage with children until we had been married for 8 years, I don't know if I could have handled it at your age, but God has called you to serve your wife and to do it humbly and with love.

God bless you for having the foresight to ask.
Hal <><<

Yitzchak · Oct 14, 2005

The trouble with giving you advice is that it sounds like you have lost almost all of your bargaining power in the relationship. You are pretty much at the place of just reacting to whatever she hands out. Not a good situation. The thing is in order for you to get back an equality in the relationship it will require her giving it and not you taking it. I am not sure how to solve the kind of situation that you describe.

It basically boils down to her bailing on you instead of working on the problems and that leaves you with not too many options. You either push the issue and probably end up pushing her away even more and take the risk that will end the marriage altogether. Or you wait and pray that she decides to come back and work on the marriage.

If there are some specific and measurable things that she is looking for changes in you about , I would suggest working on those things. But it sounds like she has just about given up on the marriage and you need to seriously pray because it doesn't sound good.

Autumnleaf · Oct 14, 2005

beanbagboy said:
well, my wife wants to call it a time out and leave with our daughter so i can seek GOD. she says that i am immature and not ready to handle a daughter and a wife, we have only been married for less than a year and we have a 2 month old baby. she says that i am not romantic, i am not a Godly man anymore and not prepared.

i agree to these remarks but i dont think her leaving for a little while, even if it is a weekend is right.
i also have been having a hard time with her submiting to me and even though i am the husband and the man of the household i feel that i dont have and never had the authority in our marriage. she gets upset when i dont do things her way, i am 23 yrs old. maybe its having a new baby that is stressing us out but i feel that the situatuion is out of my hands, divorce is not an anwser and i know that even though its gone through both our minds it is not a answer or a choice for us. what can i do?

please help if you guys have any suggestions.

what can i Do?

In the Ghost Busters movie the tough monster came out near the end and asked Ray if he was a God. Ray said no and the monster almost blew them off the roof at which point one of the other guys said, 'Ray! When someone asks if you are a God you say yes!!' While I don't think you should say you're a God I do think you should act like you are a competent husband and leader even if you don't feel like it. Your wife needs to believe in you as her leader in the marriage, if you can't give her that how can she respect you? In fact you are the leader and should lead prayerfully and respectfully.

Your first decision as leader might be to tell your wife to stay and stop talking about such nonsense as leaving her husband, like some harlot from Proverbs, with YOUR daughter. If you come across like a limp noodle you'll be received as one.

AbidingInHim · Oct 14, 2005

First thing you need to understand is she's still post-partem.....it takes a long time for those hormones to settle down. However leaving in order to control a situation is a very bad habit to get into.

There is an excellent marriage bible study by Dr Bruce Wilkenson and his wife Darlene.....the woman's part is the Heart that makes the HOme and the Men's is Leading and Loving.....it sound like you could both benefit immesnsely from this study....My church library has both the audio and the video....see if your does or if you can find it somewhere else.....

Is she gone for just the weekend or indefinately?

If she's coming back at the end of the weekend...spend the time cleaning the house, grocery shopping and when she comes home make it clear you are glad she's there but do not give her the idea that you were hurt or angry by her leaving.... rather show her you were just fine and self-sufficient while she was gone

Lastly, if you haven't been very helpful with the baby and aren't quite sure what to do....guess what she doesn't either, it's a matter of educating your self and figuring out some as you go so jump in there and try helping with the baby or at least ask her every now and then if she needs help.....she sounds very insecure and unhappy. Very often people will become overbearing and manipulative due to their own insecurities and need to protect themselves. She probably wants you to lead she just isn't sure how to submit.....that bible study I mentioned will help her do so with a joyful heart

llghoney · Oct 14, 2005

Why are the reasons she is saying you are immature? There has got to be explanations of why she is saying these things. And if you agree & tell her that you will work on them then she should be understanding. Communication is soooo important. Believe me I have found out the hard way!

EmSchmem · Oct 14, 2005

I don't want to be insulting but you're 23 not 13. I agree with those who say Man Up. It sounds like you both have a good deal of growing up to do. If she does leave, do what she asks. Take the time to draw closer to God. If she doesn't leave, take responsibility for yourself. Be the husband she needs and the father your daughter needs. Rely on God to make that changes in you but take the steps of faith.

Athene · Oct 14, 2005

Is your wife suffering from post natal depression? My sis in law had terrible depression after the birth of her son, she kicked my brother out of the house, he had to live with my parents for a while.

InTheFlame · Oct 14, 2005

Call up your church, whether your wife likes it or not, and ask for help for YOU. Don't ask them to fix her, or talk to her, or anything. Ask them to sit down with you and work out a game plan for working on YOUR problems.

If you're the reading type, see if you can get hold of Love Must Be Tough (James Dobson) or Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud and Townsend). I think those books might help you work out the best way to deal with the problems in your marriage.

I'm not going to comment on the rightness or wrongness of your wife's actions, because there could be some very good reasons for her to be taking a relatively drastic step. Or maybe she just needs some comfort and help from someone she can rely on, I don't know.

If you feel as though you've lost 'power' in your relationship, I think the best thing you can do is to take charge of YOU. Let your wife do what she wants for a weekend and open YOU up to God... let him do some work with you. It'll probably be far easier to mope around at home and whine about what your wife has done to you... but you won't fix any problems and you'll be in a 'victim' mentality (life just does nasty things to me).

God bless.

Bunnaroo · Oct 14, 2005

I don't want seem as if I'm passing the buck, but one of the best resources I know for your situation is to call 1-800-A-FAMILY. That connects you to Dr. Dobsons' group Focus on the Family. I would advise seeking the counsel of someone that both you and your wife are comfortable with. (She has a reason she doesn't want to talk with your Disciple Leader.) My wife says she wouldn't talk to someone that doesn't have the onus of patient confidentiality. Pastors, for instance, are obligated to keep confidences, as are licensed counselors. The pastor is cheaper, though.
If your wife isn't nursing, go claim your daughter for the weekend while SHE recovers. You can put the baby in a baby backpack or sling, which can be gotten inexpensively at Thrift Shops, and clean the house with her riding around. The Cub loves that! This will encourage your wife to come home.
Call her mother, and seek counsel and help. Ask if her mom believes her to have post-partum depression. Encourage her parents to cooperate with you to get her treated for it, which probably includes medication. (Here you can help by aiding in the taking of the meds.) Since there is such a stigma attached to taking medications for depression, maybe all of you can help her overcome her reluctance with a little social pressure.
I might back off of the "Man of the House" attitude for a while. There is a time and place for everything, and this isn't the time to have a turf war. Once your wife is emotionally stable, then you can (quietly) discuss roles in the household, or not. Amx tells me that when you are loving your wife as Christ loves his church, and typifying his leadership, she'll melt and want to be submissive. Pray for her and your child. Prayers for a person have a tendency to change our attitude about that person. as well as the situation. Once you take on the responsibilities of leadership, the privileges of leadership will follow.
For some odd reason, when women have their first child, they expect us guys to be "more mature." The fact of the matter is that if we have made the choice to be a good father, we have no choice but to be more responsible in our behavior. when The Cub was born 17 months ago, I had to give up a lot of the things I found as "fun". My priorities had to shift to taking care of my family, as opposed to my best friend (my wife of 13 years). It's a sacrifice, but the rewards will be greater than the stuff you gave up. If you think a two-month old is time consuming, wait until she's mobile!

Amx and I prayed for you tonight. We hope things work out quickly for you and your family.
Chin up, Beanbagboy. The light you see at the other end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train!

Leanna · Oct 14, 2005

There is a lot of stress with a new baby. What exactly does she want you to do that you are not doing? Do you have a job? Does she? Do you both attend church? I hope she realizes that its always best if a child has a mother AND a father.

You sound like you want respect, and maybe she wants to be cherished and romanticised. How can you do that? You can't change her, but you can start by changing you, meeting her emotional needs and being the kind of man she needs. If you meet her needs, I bet you respect and honor will follow. But she may not believe in man being the authority, I don't know. I don't.

heartnsoul · Oct 15, 2005

I agree with all the posts here. It sounds like both of you are at the "war of the egos". If your wife wants some "time out", then give it to her. Sometimes in the middle of chaos, people need that little break to regroup and clear their heads. She may have a better perspective of things once she has time to think things through. Meanwhile, I think it is important that you set aside your pride and begin learning how to be submissive and love your wife. Be the best husband and father that God expects you to be. The first step is to "let go and let God." Don't try to control her by demanding that she stays. As others have already said, focus your energies on improving yourself and draw closer to God right now. Your marriage needs to be centered upon Christ. BOTH OF YOU need to submit to God's authority.

You can win your wife back by strengthening your walk with God. Both of you are at "stalemate", so to speak. One of you needs to be the "mature" one and take the lead to act maturely. It might as well be you. Take the lead by being submissive to Christ. To gain respect, you first have to earn it. To earn it requires hard work and humility. Being "self-less" is something both of you will need to learn in order to grow together as a team and live a godly marriage. May God help you grow in Him and give you the courage to love deeper. God bless you both. :pray:

beehoney · Oct 15, 2005

JulesM said:
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I expect a new baby brings a whole heap of new stress to a marriage - let alone in the first year.

It seems like you guys aren't communicating effectively.

I wonder if getting a third party such as a pastor or a counsellor to act as a mediator (with you BOTH in the room) might help? That way you both get to tell your side of the story, without being interupted or a fight breaking out. You might both learn stuff about each other you didn't know (as in how they're feeling and why).

I think this is a very good suggestion.

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