So what's wrong with me?

You said you believe the Bible. Then you make statements that reflect a distrust of it. Which is it?

What you need to do is find a good male mentor who can give you one on one discipleship on a regular basis helping you grow in your faith. I encourage you to talk with your pastor or someone on staff to see what can be worked out.

Hey MrDude.
When i read your post here my heart went out to you. But it's not that you want my sympathy.
It appears that everyone here is trying to solve your problem, and it seems to me that there is no prescribed answer of how to get past this block that you have come to.
To me, it looks like you are going through a dry spell. We all go through them and they suck majorly, it seems like one day we are on a high with God.. and everything seems so great, then suddenly we wonder, "where did he go?" I can't hear him anymore and it seems like God has left me for dead.
I don't have a reason as to why times like this happen, but i do know that it can stretch your faith to the limit! I have a journal entry from years ago that is begging God to take the pain and the lonelyness away.. those aren't even the right words to explain the feeling that i felt, but i didn't have any other words.
Just be reminded that God is there, and sometimes we need to just be still and know that...
I am not trying to solve your problem, but know that i don't think there is anything wrong with you, this is normal! And DON'T GIVE UP!!!!
Here for you,
MG

God loves you, and He has your best interests in mind. He absolutely adores you. Nothing can separate you from His love, even a lack of emotion. The God of all Creation, of everything that is good, has a special place in His heart for you. The Lord of everything Loves you with a depth you can't comprehend. Believe that. Like that. Count on that. Put all of your Faith and Hope in that truth. The guy above said that there is no real prescribed answer, and he's right, as is the case for most spiritual problems. You typically can't just do something, and voila! everything's back to normal. But, everyone that gave you a suggestion did so because they care for you. They did so because that is what helped them. Ultimately, it comes down to you and your perseverance, because God, if you pursue Him, He'll be where you can find Him. My suggestion is to come back to the core of what God is, and that is love. Believe that God is Love and that Love is everything good. Stake everything on it... and keep going. It has to be difficult after four years, I understand, but you will not be given any trial that you cannot stand up under. God has to think you're pretty tough and devoted. I'm sure He's right.

I haven't read through all the replies, I'm just going to give you my thoughts and hopefully they will be of some encouragement.

I struggle to want to read my Bible, I struggle to pray. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes I thirst for it. Most times I do it because I know I need to. I've been in places where I was really fed up with God. Less than a year ago I remember laying on the floor in my basement and telling God I hated Him. I told Him that I didn't want to hate Him, that I wanted to love Him. But at that time I hated Him. Let God know how you feel, He's big enough to take it. Whether it's in prayer or in writing or however you can express yourself fully and honestly, let Him know how you feel. But also let Him know how you want to feel, what you desire.

Trying harder at reading your Bible or praying isn't going to help. We don't come to God by our own efforts. I'm not saying give them up, just know that they may not bring your answers. From what you wrote I gather that you don't want to feel this way towards God. It's how you feel, but you're obviously wrestling with God and seeking to have that love for Him. Chase after that. Don't just complain, seek answers. You aren't the first person to go through this, search out other people who have walked the path you are on now. I've suggested Philip Yancey to you before. "Reaching for the Invisible God", "Where is God when it hurts?", and "Disappointment with God" are great books. If you are into older books, check out John Dunne's "Devotions", written as he lay in bed believing he was going to die from the plague. Someone suggested the book of Job, I would reiterate that. There are many others that have struggled and have written down their struggle to share with others. Do some reading.

We all go through a crisis of faith and times where God feels like an enemy, if it feels like He is there at all. There are no easy questions, nothing that any of us tell you is going to suddenly solve what you are going through. Hopefully we can help and encourage, but this is about you and your relationship with God. Wrestle with Him and chase after Him. Read through the Psalms, I'm guessing that Psalm 42 will probably resonate with you right now. Probably Psalm 22 also. I wish I had more to give you, but there are no answers. You must seek God and wrestle with Him.

Here's something I hold onto during those dark nights of the soul




#_ftn1 #_ftnref1Wiersbe, W. W. (1996, c1991). Be patient. An Old Testament study. (Job 19:1). Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books.

I'm sorry that you lost your a/c and I know an apology doesn't make you feel any better.
We don't understand the reason or rhyme of things but we are to still trust God.
I will pray that God will either give you an a/c or help you to deal with the situation.

MrDude said:

I asked God for help, a sign, for Him to talk to me, anything at all....


...and my A/C just exploded. And it's summer and I live in Texas. This is not a good omen.


(I'm not joking)

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I hear you on that man. I was just praying about how tight my finances are. And decided to tighten a little more and increase my tithe.

Then my muffler went and the hospital tacked an extra $750 onto my emergency room bill.

Makes absolutley no sense to me, but I'm holding God to His word that He'll take care of it.

MrDude said:

I asked God for help, a sign, for Him to talk to me, anything at all....


...and my A/C just exploded. And it's summer and I live in Texas. This is not a good omen.


(I'm not joking)

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Realize that satan can speak too, and sometimes "stuff" happens. We have to look for God in the little things, but when we are so negative we tend to look for Him in the negative things and think we find Him there. Usually He's working where we're not looking and He speaks in a quiet voice that is easy to miss.

1Kings 19:1 ¶ Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword.
1Kings 19:2 Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.”
1Kings 19:3 And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.
1Kings 19:4 But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”
1Kings 19:5 He lay down and slept under a juniper tree; and behold, there was an angel touching him, and he said to him, “Arise, eat.”
1Kings 19:6 Then he looked and behold, there was at his head a bread cake baked on hot stones, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank and lay down again.
1Kings 19:7 The angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise, eat, because the journey is too great for you.”
1Kings 19:8 So he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mountain of God.
1Kings 19:9 ¶ Then he came there to a cave and lodged there; and behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and He said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
1Kings 19:10 He said, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.”
1Kings 19:11 ¶ So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
1Kings 19:12 After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing.
1Kings 19:13 When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
1Kings 19:14 Then he said, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.”
1Kings 19:15 ¶ The LORD said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus, and when you have arrived, you shall anoint Hazael king over Aram;
1Kings 19:16 and Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint king over Israel; and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint as prophet in your place.
1Kings 19:17 “It shall come about, the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael, Jehu shall put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu, Elisha shall put to death.
1Kings 19:18 “Yet I will leave 7,000 in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him.”

Mr. Dude, I totally went through what you are going through now, about (hmm) a few months ago. I was really angry about something, and angry that God wasn't noticing what I thought I needed. Im from Texas too btw, and yea its hot here right now (and its hot in other places as well!)-but weather is not something that anyone can predict!

But in all seriousness, God will give you what you need always. I would encourage you to do exactly what Little_Tigress said, and humble yourself and worship God. Praise Him when you think nothing is going your way. Tell the devil to get out of your mind because you are covered in the blood of Christ.

Remember this verse: 'Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.' Psalm 51:10

And this one: 'Do not be decieved, God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. THe one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature, from that nature will reap destruction: the one who sows to please the Spirit, form the Spirit, will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.' Galations 6:7-10

God loves you, and He will do anything to OPEN your eyes.

Just want to share with you about my life right now (and by no means I want to brag about things)...just simply want to share.

I'm currently struggling with life's sufferings. I got laid off 4 months ago from my last job. I've been looking for a new job but nothing yet so far and it can get very frustrating at times. Not to mention that the bills keeps on going. Then I had an accident last month (not my fault), took my car to the shop.. got it all taken care of by the insurance. Have been driving it about a month, another accident happened yesterday, a hit and run incident...a minor one, the guy in the motorcycle who hit me took off just like that meanwhile I was trying to ask if he was ok. Plus, I've been having a high fever this week because of one of my teeth's infection. I found a cheap dental plans (not insurance), so I got to go to the dentist. He gave me some antibiotics but if I don't get better this week, I need to have a root canal and it's gonna cost me a lot. I don't even know what I'm gonna do if that happens... I just simply can't afford it. On top of that, my family has been going through a very hard time, financially and mostly with my younger brother (drug-related issue and his physical confrontation toward my dad). And yes, I'm a single woman who lives here in the States by myself (my family lives overseas).

I've cried many tears and asked God why all these happen in my life - just one after another in a short period of time? Life seems so hard and challanging right now, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel almost. I questioned God - why all these happened to me? I follow His ways and obey His commands all these years - why me? It almost seems like He's punishing me. I can kinda relate to the book of Job of what have been happening to me (in different forms of course).

I only have 2 options - to become angry/bitter at God and leave Him or to keep on trusting Him no matter my circumstances are, eventhough I don't understand why all of these happen. I decided to choose the latter. I am giving and will still give praise to Him and see Him as my only God and Lord eventhough if my sufferings would only get worse from here (I really hope not, though). I still see Him as a good and kind God because of what Jesus done for me on the Cross. I don't want to lose sight of The Cross. Knowing Him is all that matters in my life and all other things come of second importance. Someday, when I meet Him face to face where there are no tears and suffering anymore, I want to look at His eyes and looking forward to hearing, "well done, My faithful Child." Then all of these would be worth it.

Psalm 73 reflects how I'm feeling right now:
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

God gives grace to whomever he chooses to give grace to. And that's how He is, we can't question why. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. We may not understand now why specific things happen to us, but someday it will be revealed to us in heaven. God never says life would be easy, but He promised that He would never leave us. This is maybe one of the hardest moments in my life, yet I feel that this is the moment where I depend the most on God and that brings me an unspeakable joy to know that He is with me during my trials...and there is no other place I'd rather be.

We need to get the right perspectives about God first, then it will come down to us, not the other way around. Take heart, MrDude. God’s grace is sufficient for you and me.

My latest blog entry:

Make me feel like a beggar
Make me feel like a thief
Make me feel like a battle, that cannot end in peace
Make me feel like running, as if I’ve lost my nerve
Make me feel like crying, tears I don’t deserve

Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you’ve done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb, I am numb, I am numb

Is this really living? sometimes it’s hard to tell
Or is this a kind of gentler hell?
Turn out the lights
And let me stare into your soul
I was born and bled for you to hold

Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you’ve done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb, I am numb, I am numb

Never said thank you
Never said please
Never gave reason to believe
So as it stands
I remain on my knees
Good lovers make great enemies

Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you’ve done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb, I am numb, I am numb

"Please Bleed" by Ben Harper

I picked up a CD by Ben Harper yesterday. I don't know what was going on in Ben Harper's mind when he wrote this song and I don't know why it intrigues me. I think it has to do with the love/hate relationship I have with God. I think the line "good lovers make great enemies" states it really well. When you allow someone into your heart you open yourself to the heights of joy in their love and the deepest pain in their betrayal. Maybe the desire for God to bleed comes from the desire to know that God knows the pain. As we immerse ourselves into God, our lives our destroyed and who we are dies. We long eagerly to become who God created us to be, but until that final redemption comes we exist in a constant state of destruction and reconstruction. The pain can be immense, even when accompanied by the utmost joy.

As it appears God has brought into my life the possibility of acquiring one of my greatest desires, I have been called to lay it on the alter as a sacrifice to Him. I lay it there out of faith and I weep, and I wait to see if a substitute is in the bushes and God will allow me to take the object of promise home.

I think one reason that I still like a lot of secular music is that they aren't afraid to speak from their heart the things that Christians aren't honest enough to say.

okay so you have gotten a lot of response to this already and i havent read everything posted before this but just thought i'd share my 2 cents too.

You know God loves you, you know He gave His Son to die for you, but you aren't feeling it...the question is...why not? Why aren't you feeling the passion and the desire to be with God? My advice...try something new.

Maybe you're just in search of something new and/or somewhere NEW and EXCITING to go with your faith, because BELIEVE ME...this faith is EXCITING, AMAZING, and REFRESHING...maybe you aren't feeling it now but its there.

What is your church like? Are you feeling anything there?? Probably not since you said you don't like prayer or worship. Maybe the style your church is offering just isn't for you. What your searching for is there, just look for it with an open and excited mind.

Also, it sounds like you are bitter about this all...don't be bitter. TRUST that God knows what he's doing and look for ways to STRENGTHEN YOUR FAITH!! Never get down, thank God even for the bad things that happen to you and in all you do glorify and praise His mighty name.

Petrarch said:

I admittedly do not attend church because I am not comfortable doing the activities you have mentioned in public. But to have a total disdain for those activties is, with all due respect, unfathomable. It seems like such a foreign concept to me.

I shall pray for you, because it is clearly problematic to you.

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Psst, don't be afraid to love God like that in public. Your putting a fear of "embarressment" by PEOPLE above your love of God it seems. just a hint.

I think one reason that I still like a lot of secular music is that they aren't afraid to speak from their heart the things that Christians aren't honest enough to say

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Totally agree. Christians who like to think that all other Christians are going to be happy and fake and talking Christianese all the time are so... annoying.... at least to put it nicely. It seems these types of Christians also are the ones to think secular music is of satan or not godly enough or something, too. (which is also totally distorted thinking.... I also think that a lot of these types of Christians aren't very bright in an abstract sense and need to have their lyrics spelled out for them, rather than expressed in subtleties)

Reps for you, Ben.

Petrarch said:

It is not a fear of embarrassment. It is just that I am extremely introverted, and prefer doing those things in private.

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For me it is embarrassment but also I am extremely introverted and do things in private. But once somebody gets to know me, then I am down to earth and funny.